124: A Tale of Two Birders and Other Niche Tea

This is a lighthearted episode–because we all can use a break from all the heaviness around us. I’m welcoming Caroline, “The Niche Tea Lady,” to the show. Join us!

Show Highlights:

  • Understanding “niche tea”

  • Caroline’s favorite story of niche tea: the amazing tale of two birders

  • The biggest plot twist in a niche tea deep dive

  • Memorable niche tea surprise endings

  • Pyramids, video games, and the nuances of content creation

  • Everyone loves an underdog story!

  • “Discords” and weirdo behavior

  • The funniest niche tea in Caroline’s experience: a published back-and-forth between two high-level academics

  • The most viral niche tea stories in Caroline’s experience: birding and beekeeping

Resources and Links:

Connect with Caroline: TikTok, X, Instagram, and YouTube

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Casey, hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to Struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today we're gonna have a little bit of a light hearted episode. I feel like we all deserve a little break from the heaviness, and so I'm here with a very special guest, the niche tea lady Caroline, thank you for being here.

    Caroline 0:21

    Thank you for having me.

    KC Davis 0:24

    Okay, so you run a Tiktok account where you post about niche tea. Can you explain what that is to those of us above 35

    Caroline 0:33

    got it? Yes. Niche tea is think of it as like if you hyper focus on drama, and you jump from story to story. It's that but each story is based around a different hobby or online community or niche, basically anything you could call it a niche. So something that I found myself doing a lot on my own was just usually on YouTube. I'll find some hole of content to fall into, where it's relating to something, right, something that I probably haven't engaged with before, but I'm very interested in kind of just getting people's opinions about it. And when that happens with drama, I found myself with no one to talk to about it, because it was always so specific, and there's all this background on it. And so I made niche tea as a way to just talk about those things as I hyper focus on them and jump from thing to thing. Yeah,

    KC Davis 1:25

    this is like, I'll find myself in like, a YouTube rabbit hole, and then my husband will come home, and I'll be like, there is so much drama between people that like to quilt in quilting circles and people that feel like quilting should be an A one, you know, a solo hobby. And I'll just, like, force him to listen to it. He'll be like, I don't care about quilting drama at all, exactly,

    Caroline 1:44

    and neither do I necessarily, or at least, I don't care about quilting, but I care about this,

    KC Davis 1:51

    but when the tea is hot, yeah, the tea is hot. Okay, so, Caroline, I just, I invited you here today because I genuinely just wanted you to regale, regale us with, like your top favorite stories of niche tea. Got it paint us a word picture.

    Caroline 2:08

    Oh, my God, that's a tricky one. I think one easy one that I could choose actually would be the episode about bird watching, from the bird watching community, from that one so many people were interested in. That one I love. A big part of what I love is what loving the response I get from people about these things. But that particular one involved, it was basically a story of two men who reached the world record for bird sighting. I believe it was specifically sightings, because sometimes they count. I've learned bird calls as count as like. That's like the difference between birding and bird watching. Birding includes if you hear them, apparently, right? And so basically, there's one guy in the field in the hobby who's been big into the hobby. He's well known throughout the community, and he was going to break the world record for the most, let's say, seen birds in the world, different species. And then he was planning it out, like a year in advance. He was He knew what his plans were going to be and which birds he was going to hit and what the plan was. And then a couple months before, it out of nowhere, this challenger shows up. Who when you watch birds. When you do bird watching, it's not something like, everybody knows everybody, because you're only not that many people are like, routinely logging their bird sightings and talking about it and doing all that. So first of

    KC Davis 3:32

    all, where are they logging their bird sightings? Like, do they have to take a picture of it? There

    Caroline 3:35

    are, there's no like, Review Board of whether or not,

    KC Davis 3:39

    is this the honor system. Caroline, is this the honor system? Yes, there are

    Caroline 3:43

    a number of different websites that are neutral, kind of third party, you know, places where people can come log their sightings, and then also discussion boards and things along those lines. So this guy comes out of nowhere and just logs like nearly 10,000 birds in like a couple days or something, and claims that he's just been he claimed he was just, he's been doing this his life, too. He just hadn't put it anywhere online. And no one has ever heard of him, and it's very hard to find any record of him. I looked into it. And so the original guy who was building toward this, the one the community knew. He said, You know what? Instead of debating whether or not this new guy, I believe his name is Jason, and whether or not Jason was is real or not, you know, I'm just gonna assume he is, and I'm gonna adjust my timetable accordingly, like he even openly said that he's like, so now I'm going to, you know, I'm gonna treat this as though it is real, because I can, you know, like, and I can adjust things if I need to. So

    KC Davis 4:45

    is Jason's claim that he's been, like, analog tracking his birds, and that he just uploaded them all, like, logged them all into the website at once.

    Caroline 4:55

    Yes, that he's been doing this for years and years and years, just like. Uh, just like the main guy, who was a diplomat, and I'm trying to remember his name, but so the primary guy decides to move up a bunch of his travel and he starts, he's a diplomat, actually, so that helps him get to different places across the world. But he ends up meeting the getting that 10,000th watch like he as he moved his timetable up, Jason did too. So he kept seeing, you know, he would originally go, I cannot remember his name. I'm gonna call him Michael. He would originally go to a location, and then he'd find out Jason had just gone to a different location, or a similar thing, you know. And it was, ended up being this neck and neck thing, and about six months, at least earlier than when the primary guy was going to finalize his, you know, actually do the whole thing, have his friends and family there, you know, and see his 10,000 stop.

    KC Davis 5:53

    He had, like, a, he had, like, a little award ceremony, like he was gonna, like, see his 10,000th bird, with his, like, family and friends around, yeah,

    Caroline 6:01

    because it's like, a, it's like, a lifetime achievement, like, it's a big deal. Like, people were all like, very, you know, it was a thing that he'd worked toward for such a long time.

    KC Davis 6:09

    And is the diplomat showing his work? Like, is he taking pictures, or he's also on the honor system, also

    Caroline 6:14

    on the honor system, but he's well, but we believe him. We yes, there's nobody's doubted him that I seen is my understanding of reputation, yes, and he's also been

    KC Davis 6:25

    mainstay of the Birding community. Exactly, he's a pillar, so pillar of the Birding community. We can trust

    Caroline 6:33

    one person. We can trust him. There's no reason to question him. He's somebody who would have people with him. You know, while he's going on these hunts for a particular bird, he's somebody who travels very frequently for his job, and there's enough evidence to corroborate that he's telling the truth. I'm sure there's potentially one or two that maybe people couldn't like, weren't physically there for. But generally, he's trusted. We're not worried about him. But for the Jason guy, we don't know anything about him. Nobody knows him. Nobody knows anything about you know what his theoretical fines were. And so there are people though, the diplomat is moving forward, and he's like, I'm just going to assume you know. And like I said, he ended up getting there about six months earlier than he had originally planned, and he wasn't able to make it kind of a celebration of this lifetime achievement the way he wanted, because he had to change his plans, and where he ended up finding his last bird was not anywhere local, so it was something that he had to do last minute, and wouldn't have been able to organize other people for. But even so, Jason claimed to have beat him by like eight hours.

    KC Davis 7:40

    So he's just dogging his steps. Yes, really

    Caroline 7:44

    hard. And even so, again, the diplomat is very diplomatic. Shocking. He posts, you know, a statement about, you know, reaping his 10,000th and that regardless of whatever else is going on, this is a big achievement for him. He is very proud. He said, thank you to a bunch of people like his wife and like people in the community who've been very supportive and whom he's built relationships with over the years. Meanwhile, there was a single article on a website for a traveling like guide tour company in South America, and it said congratulations to Jason for for beating the world record

    and seeing 10,000 being the first person in the world to hit 10,000 and do the whole thing. And it was written by him, if you look at the up,

    and people are like, what is this? So by the time I get into this, people are going through, you know, people have been going through for the last several months his bird list in addition to this. And so by the time I jump into this, that article is gone from that website, I can find traces of it. You know, like Google will hold caches of things. So something hip, if people ask me a lot like, how I find some of my information, especially for stuff that's gone the way, that machine is obviously a really good tool to use. If people aren't familiar with what that is, it's a website where you can put in a URL for a page, and then it'll archive the state of that page as many times as you want to do it. So if you want to archive something for the future because you think it might change, you can go there and have a manual archive done of it, and then if anything changes on that web page, you can go back to this website, the Wayback Machine, find the URL, pick the date, and you'll see a living state of what it was at that time. But another easy one for stuff that gets deleted real fast is simply that Google search engine doesn't live look up everything on every website all the time. It's storing it everyone smiles. Think of it, the same as Google Maps when you do street view. That's not your house yesterday, that's. Your house the last time the Google car came through and took a picture of your house, right? So it's the same thing on the search engine. And so when things have changed like, oh, they 404, that page last night, if you need to see something on that page, you can still search it, and you won't be able to click the link when it comes up, but it will still come up with some details. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So the preview, if there's a Featured Snippet, anything along those, like those standard things that help you from SEO, those things get cashed. So I've had situations where people are like, Oh, I can't see, you know, I can't tell what the name of this he was associated with this person, and I can't find like he took it down? Well, I've searched people's websites and found like, for example, like their PR page that still had details on it, because it's the cache of it. So I could find, if I look up somebody's name, and potentially, like their web, like this person, whatever PR this you can get to a point where the preview will show you what you searched for. So you can see in the preview that name might be listed under a bunch of lists of names. And now you can say, so for your website, you had this page. Now when I click on it, it goes to a 404, or it's changed. But at the time, you can see that it was here that you've changed that it's kind of a neat thing. So by the time I go to do that, the article is gone, but I could still see the 404, of it, basically, and confirm that he did write that. And then right at the same time, I'm also seeing that the bird community's kind of investigators, the people who've chosen to go through the 10,000 bird list, found a whole host of different birds that were improbable, like very improbable, and then a whole other host that it would be shocking if they were not wrong or false some way, like birds that were have been assumed to have gone extinct, birds that would have it would have been a newsworthy event for a confirmed sighting, that type of stuff, like last seen in the 30s. You know, that type of stuff. So, in combination with so there's that coming out about Jason, also this only, the only place this gets reported on is this one travel website. People are like, What do you mean? What's happening? Who are these people? What's happening? Apparently, the travel website just got company, just got inundated, and they ended up putting out a separate statement that was like, We did work with this man. He came to us, we do bird tours. He did one with us, and then later he wrote that article, and he gave it to us, and said, Would you publish this on your website? And we were like, yeah, he's worked with us before, so yeah, but we're not trying to say anything. I can't tell whether or not to feel bad for them. I kind of do, though, because I think they were just like a client wanted this fine, you know. So I felt a little bad for them. They had to put out a separate statement, Jason still didn't. He posted like, one or two direct responses to people on birding websites, but for the most part, he does not have an active social presence in any way that you can figure out. So he's just gone silent. He's been silent. That's what I'm saying, is like, didn't exist. Like he when I say he came out of nowhere. I don't mean like, oh, we just weren't paying attention. And look, this guy's got pictures of birds all over his Instagram. And it turns out he's been logging like, he doesn't have social profiles that I was able to find, or anything that where he talks about any of this, or if, like, they're very locked down. If so, so he's not someone who's out there, like on his Twitter talking about his side of it. He literally, like, doesn't he's not part of the conversation, except in these very controlled, weird little areas where it's like, I'm gonna put my birds here and then leave them, and then I'm not seeing back and forth with him talking with anyone, and then him say, like, releasing an article on a website, but not posting anything on social media, or like, doing, Like, just the vehicles he's using to talk about these things, every move is bizarre, is the point. I still only vaguely believe he's a real person. Supposedly, though he emails the diplomat and concedes because of some of the questions relating to, again, newsworthy, extinct birds, and he kind of throws out, like a yeah, maybe, you know, I he's like, he kind of throws some wishy washy I'm gonna let this go because, you know, I'm taking the high road. And yeah, I, you know, he said I'm gonna be the bigger man, right? That that was the tone of the email to the diplomat. And the diplomat was like, he just posted. He's very, again, very communicative with, like, his friends, family, fans, whatever, community. And so he posts on his Facebook like, you know, I got this, you know, this is a nice email from Jason. It's very kind of him, whatever. And everybody's like, you're being nice. Just it was very funny. He is very much a diplomat, but

    KC Davis 14:56

    that is a wild I feel really bad for the diplomat. Can you imagine, just like, being some guy that, like, that's just your life? Is you just a birder, and some dude comes out of nowhere and just totally like, yucks your yum and rains on your parade? I mean, the man wanted his friends and family there when he saw his last bird. Yeah,

    Caroline 15:15

    I know. And that was a big sentiment that a lot of people had coming off of this story, that comment I got a lot like, man, that's rough, you know, and he was still so gracious about it, given everything. And as loathe as I am to support government entities in specific situations, I'm gonna give him this because, yeah, he just seemed like a guy who just likes birds. And why would you do this, even if this was real, even if you take everything he says at face value, even if that was me, I feel like I would still hesitate, because, man, that's rough. Let the

    KC Davis 15:49

    man have his win. So okay, here's so that makes me think of this question, what's like the biggest plot twist you've ever had in a niche T deep dive, the

    Caroline 15:58

    one that I think had a good twist to it. Was the, I guess the whole story was kind of the twist, but it was, I like the academic ones, and there's one those are some of the really fun ones, because usually people don't hear those unless they're close to it, right? Like, it's not a thing that you necessarily hear a lot about, is what's happening in academia. But there was one about it turned out there was this, like, big discovery or claim that had come out about the oldest pyramid in the world being in it, think it was in the Philippines, and the paper behind it, and it was a whole discussion about that. And that had been something, there was this big paper that had come out, and had been something that had been very highly regarded in the archeology field. It had been peer reviewed. It had, like, all of this stuff. And then basically it turned out way later that all of these different things, that this initial group of people, led by this one particular guy, the researcher, had claimed everything they had discovered could be explained by other reasons. And then it also came out that the peer reviewers weren't archeologists, they were all different, or weren't geologists, like they weren't correct in the field that they were in. And that was such a weird one, because it was just like 20 years later, like it was a significant amount of time, and that was just crazy, honestly, like that whole situation, like the idea that it could go through, because there's so much rigor around academic papers, that one was just such a weird it was bonkers to hear every single thing that was in this particular piece of research that took so long, took so much manpower, took all of these different things, and all of it falling kind of apart, was just a little a little bonkers to be able to hear about from the people who actually were in this area. And it throws off so much about what people thought of, what archeology was like, it changes some of the developmental pieces of what we think humanity went through, like, what our actual timeline looks like. That's like a big deal, right? So like, because we thought that, like, in order for it to be a man made pyramid where it was, it implies a level of technological like ability of humans, right? Like that just would not have made sense at that time. And it implies a lot about the area and the what people would have lived, and whether or not it would have been something like we were at a point where we were able to do that there, and how that would impact everything in that area. So it's the difference between it being, like, I think it was some massive, like, 20,000 years old to like, Oh no, actually, the oldest pyramid is like 5000 years old, maybe somewhere in that range. Okay,

    KC Davis 18:51

    so my next question is, like, Tell me some niche tea that had, like, the best twist to it, or, like, the best, like, surprise ending. Yeah,

    Caroline 19:00

    something about niche tea. That is, I think people get frustrated about but something that is that I is something that's kind of inherent to it, is that there's almost never part two. I moved I've moved on. I try and wait until there's something really interesting to talk about, or I lead people to other places where they can continue to dive into it. But, you know, it's an ADHD rabbit hole. I have now expelled that energy and I'm leaving one of the few times that I've done a follow up was because there was a twist when entirely against what the original video was, and I was, I felt lied to and irritated. And that was one that was, it was about genshin impact, which is this, it's a gotcha game. It's like, I think they're, I can't tell if they're mostly mobile or not, but it's a video game. Doesn't matter. People play it online. People make content around it. And so the original story was, there are a lot of YouTubers who make content around genshin, and they are people who work with the company that owns this game. And. So the company will give you know, contracts to certain people to talk about it, which is obviously very helpful if you are a full time content creator, if you're somebody who and especially if you're specific to this video game for the most part, then yeah, you want to get in with the company, because that's going to help promote your ability to continue making money doing this thing. The original conversation was, and the original video was about the company released something for the game. People in the community who make content about the game had mixed opinions on like, like, some people thought it was, we're saying, Oh yeah, we love this. Some people, a lot of people, were saying, We've been not only is this bad, it's been bad, and they keep doing things that are bad, and we're getting frustrated. Somebody just casually made a joke about that, like said, it was a tweet that it said the duality of man, and it was, it showed two screenshots from YouTube, of one saying, this is the best update ever. I love it. And the next one like, this is the worst update ever, I hate and so it's just a really funny like, Look at this. But this tweet, this tweet started an absolute Apocalypse within the community, because everybody started jumping in and saying, Yeah, everybody who are posting positive content about this update are shills. They've been paid off. They're not people you can rely on. They're not people who you can actually like. They're not going to give real criticism because they're paid to do this, and very likely they have a non disparagement, or at the very least, they're not going to get they know. They're more likely to get more contracts with the company if they say good things about about the so it

    KC Davis 21:37

    wasn't like so people didn't think that it was genuinely a split opinion, like, Oh, it's just a polarizing game feature. Like, people kind of immediately went to, like, oh, the people who are giving positive reviews are because they're on comp. Now, do we know did we know that? Did we know that only the Okay, so that was just our assumption. Yeah.

    Caroline 21:55

    So that was the assumption. And the stupid thing about that is, like, this is a jumping off point to the actual thing. So like, this is, we're not even there. We're not even there yet. This was such a hard one to do because, like, I had to go down, like, real into the into the weeds on this one to figure it out. Yes, oh my god. So this is

    KC Davis 22:11

    like me explaining, like, sometimes I come across a tick tock video that is so funny, like

    Caroline 22:16

    a ninth tier meme, yes, and

    KC Davis 22:18

    I really want to show my husband, and he's not even on tick tock. He doesn't even have a Facebook so, like, I literally, I will sometimes go and, like, save other videos, and there'll be, like, six videos before I get to the video I actually wanted to laugh at. So be like, Okay, so there's this trend. Here's what it looks like, but then, like, there was this iteration of the trend that looked like this. Now there's this person that nobody likes, but, and it's like, I have to explain all nine layers, and it's never funny by the time I get to, like, that point, but I insist on doing it anyways. I feel justified.

    Caroline 22:50

    And like, No, trust me. Like, next time, next time, you'll get it. Share this joy with me, damn it, right? I always think about, when I think about that, not to stay on the tangent, but like, I always think about the memes, like in April, where it's like, you know, like, it's like, right now and it shows rain, but soon, and it's ramen, and it's just an uncooked block of ramen. Gonna be May, it's gonna be May. So, like, you either get it or you don't get and, like, how do I explain that? Would that be still being funny? Like, it's funny inherently, but you have to get there on your own, yeah? So we've got people now going back and forth, saying, yeah, and there's actually two full camps. So a little bit to what you said. They're the people who were aligning to the guy who was complaining about the things that they didn't like about this was a patch to this game, because it's an online games. It was a series of updates things the guy who was saying, you know, and the people who aligned with the guy who was negative were like, you all are shills. Nobody's legitimately criticizing this game. These are bad things. Like, even if you want to be positive, even if you want to, you know, make positive content, like, we should get better from these companies. And they keep getting away with it because people like this keep making this type of content, reviewing it when you're not giving a good faith assessment of what's going on. And then people on the other side are like, I just want to play the game that I enjoy and see people talk about it in a joyful way. I don't want to be this is my escape. This is whatever. Like, yeah, not everything's perfect, but like, I don't want it to be a hateful space. It's a gotcha game, you know. Like, I just want to let me have fun with this and not worry about these things. And, yeah, if we can't change the frustration, then let's just keep a positive spin on it. I enjoy the content more that way. So that's what it originally started as. And the people who made those videos that were excited have no issue with each other, not really like they were, pretty much. One of them was known to be a guy who does positive spins on things, and I don't know, he wasn't considered necessarily to be a shill, but he was considered be somebody who was positive in nature. But because of this, people started taking sides. People were also still mad at the company for different reasons. This is a community of, like, a ton of people. People go back and forth. It just keeps escalating. And then people start getting mad at the content creators and start trying to out them for different stuff and all. All of that ends up coming to two completely different people. One of them comes out and says, so you've got atsu, and then you've got braxophone. Is the name of the other guy. Brax the phone atsu is well known within the community. He's one of the leading content creators, and he is well known to have connections within the company, like his roommate worked there, or, like, that type of stuff. No one in his family, but he's friends with these people, so that's also, it's not really contested that he gets benefits from that, right? He comes out and he's like, Hey guys, can we all, like, calm this down? And he's talking to the guy who's very negative, who's kind of riling people up and calling everybody shills. And he's like, Hey, look, I know you don't like me. I know you know we don't get along whatever. I think we can bring this all down. I'd love to talk to you because I think I know why you don't like me. Because this other person has told, I think someone's told you some negative things about me. I'd love to have a conversation with you because, like, I promise you a lot of that's not true. In response to that Brax, the phone comes out and like, Hey, I'm that guy that you're referring to. Here's an eight page Google document about how I think you have been specifically sabotaging my entire career in this space as a content creator because of you don't like me and you have connections. He basically says they had a series of interactions as he got bigger in the space as a content creator, he met this guy at SU, so braxophone was up and coming at SU is already very well established and has good connections. Brax the phone basically says, like, I was trying to get to know you, and like we had these misunderstandings at these parties, like I was trying to do XYZ thing, it didn't come off well. Basically, they just kind of didn't vibe. Braxton really wanted to be closer to atsu, and basically said, atsu decided he didn't like me. He had a click. He's been actively sabotaging my career, and he's blacklisted me. He's gotten me blacklisted with the company so that I can't get contracts. This was, like, a big deal to me, because I'm like, oh, like, that's okay. That's like a thing that's actually right. Like, Okay, now we're not just complaining because, like, we're YouTubers yelling at each other, like, guys spend time in commentary YouTube spheres like I'm used to, that that's normal. This is, that's, this is, this is another level of

    KC Davis 27:06

    whatever. This is, IRL

    Caroline 27:08

    in real life, exactly. This is bottom line type of stuff, you know. So atsu responds to this, but by the time he does, atsu is pretty well not like it seems like, by a lot of other content creators, and so a lot of people came like, had come forward and were like, at manipulative. Like, atsu is really Clicky. He does have his group of people that he hangs out with, and he was really exclusionary to this guy. And this does suck. And it just kind of kept going. And atsu basically got kind of nuked by this, like, he just kind of stepped back and he tried to defend himself. People didn't really pay attention. Everybody kind of was like, out to was one of a bunch of people who all kind of got negative feedback, because everyone's like, all of you suck. Like, all of this comes together to suck for all of for everyone involved. So, like, we're just over it, come to find out. So like, three months later, Azu had, okay, that's the original. That's kind of how it ended. And it was just like, okay, like nobody, like people were kind of basically on Brax the phone side, like, this is, what an awful thing to do. Like, you're, you're hurting someone's career because you don't like them. And, you know, Brax, the phones document outlined, like the times they met, and the reasons things were awkward, and you talked about being, I believe, I believe you talked about being autistic and having struggling with the social cues and that type of thing. So, you know, it looked bad, as far as otse was concerned. That's pretty much where it kind of just fizzled out from there. But I was just like, this was a lot that came out of something very small, like, literally, a patch, update on a game. Got it so good? Atsu, this major player kind of like, disappears. He's just like, okay, yeah, he just steps back and kind of falls into the background, while the other guys kind of just keep on trucking right. Several months later, atsu comes forward and is like, I'm quitting. This whole thing destroyed my life. My wife of 10 years had been cheating on me. I am now getting divorced, like unrelated, like these things. Just he drops this bomb and is like, this all sucked, and he talked in it was literally like a 40 some page Google that there are just so many Google Docs and they're all so long. But in this next one, in this, I

    KC Davis 29:20

    mean, that's so dorky. I love it so much. People like battling online with Google Docs. It's

    Caroline 29:25

    so common. The joke, Mr. President, another Google doc has hit the tower is, like, actually, super common.

    KC Davis 29:33

    That is a fun I feel

    Caroline 29:34

    like a horrible person, but I actually, like, find anything where it turns into like, oh, it's the Pentagon. Like, no, they have the Pentagon.

    KC Davis 29:39

    Like, no, listen, the rule about 911 jokes is that if you were sitting in a classroom, like, if you were in school when you had to hear that news, and it like, rocked your child, you now get to make the 911 jokes.

    Caroline 29:54

    That's what I thought. I was like my dad worked, like, right near the Pentagon, and I had to, like, go make sure he was alive. And. Come home and, like, I remember,

    KC Davis 30:01

    yeah, like, if you were pulled out of freshman English with that were under a terrorist attack and had to hide in the locker room, you get to just make the funny joke about Mr. President. Another google doc has hit,

    Caroline 30:14

    okay, it's just so funny. So in this new one, I'm kind of going through it, he's talking about his wife. I feel bad, you know, and he's going back through and explaining stuff. He goes back to talk to Brax the phone again, and he's like, here's the thing, though, you and I, there's one section in this doc where he says, You and I both understand that you currently have a contract with the company, and you have and you and I both know that, and I didn't come forward and out you as having this, because I kept thinking you were gonna make the right decision and do this and say that this is the case. And like to me that I feel like that hit me harder than everyone else. Like, what do you mean? He has a contract with them right now. Dude, does do words not have meaning anymore? Like black ball has a very specific meaning, and because I was coming from the position looking back on it, you are just upset that he doesn't like you and doesn't want to invite you to parties with him. You're upset about that. And you then tried to add in this idea, like, because then he came back again and said, Sorry after Aussies document, Brax, the phone came back again and said there was, like, one of his first sentences was, I'm not going to pretend everything I said in my first document was true with no clarification.

    KC Davis 31:38

    He just dropped that line. And was like, listen, he just

    Caroline 31:40

    dropped it and kept it pushing. And I was like, hello. And then also he says, you know, talking to atzu, you know that I had an NDA, and that part of the NBA was that I wasn't allowed to talk about the fact that I had a contract or an NDA, which my husband and I get into fights about this all the time, about the legality of whether that would hold up in court, because there are situations where you have to be able to acknowledge, wait,

    KC Davis 32:04

    it's hilarious that he that, like, it has accidentally gone full circle to, like, proving the original people's point that, like, yes, people aren't disclosing that they have these contracts when they're giving these reviews and pretending to be, like, neutral about it. Oh my god. And you know what? It really does make so much sense, because everyone loves like, that story of like, I'm the underdog, the up and comer and like this person who's already made it that has all these privileges, you know, is like, secretly a really shitty person like that. I feel like that narrative, we eat it up like we love to hear some celebrity is secretly, like, shitty and like, now we really like this underdog, and for some reason, I find it such a delicious twist to find out, like the underdog sucks,

    Caroline 32:47

    right? And that's the thing. Like, this was an easy one to do, too, because again, atsu had always been fairly polarizing and had been seen to be fairly Clicky. The way he describes it in his follow up that happened later is the second one that I'm talking about in this same document. He's like, Look, I've had people who have clung on to me because they knew that my friends, like I have connections there that I had before I got into this content space. Like, I didn't make these like friends, at least not all of them, like a lot of them, are just people I was already friends with, and this is just how things played out. And I've had people use me for this and cling to me for that, and I really have a distaste for it. So when I see people listen,

    KC Davis 33:26

    no new friends. You know what I mean? I know a lot of YouTubers, or

    Caroline 33:29

    I hear a lot of YouTubers saying, No, I don't have a discord. No. And personally, oh my God, never I think that's the worst decision, complete tangent. But don't make a discord. It's going to be, there will be minors in it, terrible things will happen in it. It will be your fault, and I need you don't make a discord. But

    KC Davis 33:46

    that's such a weird choice to me. Like, the only time I've ever participated in a discord was like, when, so when my book launched, I did like a book club, like my publisher set up a little book club, and we, like, had people sign up, and so we did it through like discord, because that was just the easy was just the easiest way to do it. But I mean, it lasted like, six weeks where we would, like, read the book and come together and, like, talk about the chapter whatever, like, whatever. But outside of that, like, I know of content creators that have discords with their fans, and it's such weirdo behavior to me. I

    Caroline 34:19

    agree, like I've never had I think about all these, you know, because a lot of the stuff I consume is heavier stuff that I don't, you know, utilize for niche key, because it's not tea. And so every time you hear about another YouTuber has been exposed for XYZ, inappropriate slash, criminally implicating behavior. I always think, like, how do you fall into these traps? Like, I get DM requests. I get all this stuff you can easily, like, I just don't hold back and forth conversations with people who I am not able to physically like, look at you and verify. Like, I know that you are not a child. I know you. Know what I mean? Like, I don't know, yeah. So I that whole thing. That's a pretty good twist, pretty weird, yeah. So that twist threw me off a lot because, oh, so he's literally correct, because you went out of your way to use the word black ball. You went out of your way that words have meaning. Can we not do this? Because now I feel manipulated. Is what I said. Like, do I believe that atsu is like, based on this whole thing and the way he talked to people? Because then, of course, when his document came out, some of his friends were coming out and sharing screenshots from discord about him, saying, like, he doesn't like Brax a phone, but literally, even in that same thing, he's like, I'm not a big fan of the guy, but please don't not hang out with him because of me. Like, I'm not telling anyone else to not hang out with him. I'm just not interested. He's, you know, whatever, he doesn't owe you like friendships, simply because he doesn't have to like you. He doesn't have to give you extra opportunities, just because he has the ability to do so like but I do believe that all of these people are very like emotionally immature, and I hope that I know Otzi said he's stepping away, but I'm more on his side. I hope he just goes to therapy and, you know, is able to kind of maybe find something else that's less intense to get into. But yeah, I was just, I was so mad, like, What do you mean? What do you mean? Because I don't care if he didn't invite you to parties, I What, what do you mean?

    KC Davis 36:20

    Yeah, okay, that's a good one. Let me ask you this, what tell us about, like, the funniest tea that you've ever had.

    Caroline 36:27

    I had to think about this a bit, and it's not so much any it's a class, a class of tea That's the funniest. And the class is academic. Academic is so funny because usually you're talking about PhD level, just nerd people and, like, you know, as a math person, these are my people. I understand. I'm fully in support, but they are just the way they engage in drama with each other, especially because a lot of times we're talking about, like, if it's big enough that it makes it into niche tea, it always ends up being like you're talking about, like front of their field, PhD, publishing, research level stuff. Two stories come to mind. One I had mentioned to you previously, that was the one about the a guy made an entire he was a geologist, and it was in Indonesia, and he found there was a basically, he was claiming that this structure on a mountain was a pyramid. And then he was, he wrote up, he did a whole series of, you know, over almost a year, you know, worth of research, where he went on site and with teams and did digging and did all the stuff and wrote up a whole thing. And his conclusions, though, were that this was definitely a pyramid, and that based on the dating he did of the stuff around it, like the soil, the raw you know, all the context is what they call it. It was like 20, 30,000 years old. That is insane. Before that, we would have thought the oldest pyramid was that we've confirmed the man made pyramid is like five to 10,000 years old. So, like, that's a significant difference. And also in Indonesia, like, that's a totally different place, yeah,

    KC Davis 38:04

    that's like a rewriting history, kind of like, Babe thing. It was

    Caroline 38:07

    huge. It was huge, huge, huge. And about a year after that paper, when that paper got released, eventually, a bunch of people and it was peer reviewed, is the thing. It was published through Wiley. This is not one of those quick turn places. Like, there's another place called archive, where you can kind of just put up whatever you want. And it turns out that, you know, a lot of people were really challenging it, to the point where Wiley got involved, and, like, a year later, came back to them and said, Hey guys, a lot of questions. How do you respond to these things? And then this email back and forth is one of the funniest things I've seen like this, watching this descend, because they end up retracting the paper. And so this guy, it starts this email chain that starts in like, November of like, 2023, and like, goes into January, just back and forth between the main representative at the publishing company, Wiley, and the main researcher on this thing. And by the end, it's basically like, Hello, I hope you're having a great day. Go fuck yourself. Like they are so mad, like they're just, they're like, I really don't understand. And I would love to, you know, like in the mass per our last email, you piece of shit, yeah, yeah. Like, and it's just watching the anger, like, but they have to stay professional, because this is what we're doing, you know, go back and forth. So, like, similarly, we had one. It's like the

    KC Davis 39:21

    definition of white on white crime Exactly. Although neither of these people are white, I think, like, because this guy, but just like the clinging to, like, politeness, yes, as they descend into just like, full on loathing of each other. And

    Caroline 39:35

    because the guy who's in charge of this too, the researcher, he, his name is Dr nataway dia and he then also started posting these massive rant on like Facebook. He eventually, once it got retracted, he started claiming that he was being suppressed, and basically that there was, like a archeology mafia that is like, not allowing him to bring

    KC Davis 39:55

    out the truth. Oh, like the archeology Illuminati, sure, sure, sure, exactly would.

    Caroline 39:59

    Is some serious coke that was really, really funny to watch. And meanwhile, the rest of the academic community is like, hey, so I we're more worried about the fact that when this paper came out, this was a really big deal, because obviously, it literally changes so much about human history and this retraction. Can we be that loud? Can we be that loud on the retraction? Because, like, not people aren't really understanding this, because we

    KC Davis 40:20

    need to change it back now. Yeah, we need people to stop quoting. We need to change history back now.

    Caroline 40:24

    And you can't just quietly retract the thing. You've gotta, we've gotta, like, get this circulating too, you know, but the way that they descend, like they're, I think, to your point, like the facade of kindness, while you're just like, I hate you so much. And there was another one that was for physics, and it was basically these two groups of people who theoretical physics. We're talking like, literally, conceptual level stuff, nowhere near the point of even being taught, like in any kind of school. It's just PhD level people writing papers at each other. And these papers are different. They're not peer reviewed, so they can just kind of upload it and go back and forth if they need to. And that ended up happening in this case, since guy came forward and was like, I have this new idea for how gravity might work. I won't it doesn't matter, and doesn't

    KC Davis 41:10

    matter, I wouldn't understand it, even if you explained it

    Caroline 41:13

    doesn't matter and not proven very theoretical, still, still. And he put out a couple different papers, and he where he was exploring different aspects of what might support this idea that he has around gravity. And then these other guys came forward and started writing, like counter papers to his paper and basically saying, like, this doesn't make any sense. This doesn't explain the things you say. It does like, kind of just coming out and saying that. And the thing that I this is when I first realized, like, oh, where normally most people will go to Twitter and start, like, going back and forth on Twitter. These guys don't do that. They literally just keep publishing at each they're publishing at each other, but it's a paper. So then the first guy comes back is like, actually, like, and there's so much passive, aggressive sassiness that sounds like a teenager, like a 14 year old girl writing a note to her friend that she knows another friend is gonna read, you know, like, that kind of thing. Like it

    KC Davis 42:07

    starts. It's like, despite the erroneous conclusions by Alfred at all, no,

    Caroline 42:13

    literally. It's like, we can see here why this might have been this is the reason we think this was incorrectly assumed and then utilized incorrectly. It's like you would under the phrasing that was in there, like you would notice this if you worked with these on any regularity, like, if you understood that, like this, we understand how these mistakes can be made, like that type of stuff. Like here, why don't we break this down? Like there was one part where it's like, we understand how you got to this point, and they're both doing it back and forth. I don't remember who said this to who, but it was like, to who, but it was like, you know, we understand. You know how? You know, this was confusing, so we're gonna go into it in in more depth, which is like, why don't I say it again for you, but slower? Would that help? It

    KC Davis 42:53

    reminds me of like posh Lords fighting by like slapping each other with their gloves,

    Caroline 42:58

    like getting not even just that. It's the it's the posturing, it's the stand up in a huff. You walk over, you raise your hand, you finger by finger, take off your glove, slap across the face like, you know, it's a 20 minute lead up type of thing, like the pomp and circumstance of it. And I remember I got one of my favorite comments ever in that video, because so the guy who came up with the new thing. It was this idea he's calling cotton gravity, again, doesn't matter. And then one of the responses from the other guys, the title of the paper was farewell to cotton gravity. And someone who icons is like, farewell to cotton gravity is fighting words. Actually, people get so they have no idea. These are people. This is like, that's a 14 year old girl who knows, you know what I mean. Like, that perfectly encapsulated. Like, oh, excuse me, do we need to have a talk? Like, I didn't know anything about this before today, but now I'm invested. Like, it's because it's a sort of thing where I describe it as, like, if these guys, like, yeah, they're not on social media for the most part, and when they are, you can see that they're just as insane. Like, same thing with the geologist who was climbing the pyramid. Like, when he's on given a platform on Facebook or any other anywhere else, he just rambles. And you were like, Oh, this guy might be crazy, you know, but for the most part, we don't see that. And so to see it in these really, like, academic places and have it highlighted, and to know that, like, if these guys met in a bar, they made spike. Like, that's so funny. You picture these old men who just, like, teach in a paper, and then they see a guy and then,

    KC Davis 44:26

    like, it's on site, academic conference. I

    Caroline 44:29

    love that. I love that stuff that makes me laugh so much. Okay, so

    KC Davis 44:33

    I want to end by having you tell us, like, what the most viral niche tea has been.

    Caroline 44:39

    That definitely was bird watching one. It was definitely that I went, I went back and triple checked, and that one, it's got like, three some million views. Any honorable mentions? Oh, honorable mention would be Flow Hive, another one that I put the bird watching one, and the Flow Hive in kind of the same, in the same genre, in. The sense that it's a niche that people have a lot of interest in, but there's also a lot of neat information. So it's like a fairly people really, like, find it to be interesting in a way that I wasn't prepared for. Like, people love beekeeping. Nobody's a beekeeper, but people love beekeeping. You know what I mean? Like, like, nobody. Like, think of the woman who saves another day, saving the bees. Like, I don't know there's something about bee content. Or

    KC Davis 45:26

    the woman that, like, scoops the bees with her bare hands. Yeah,

    Caroline 45:29

    that's the same woman I was, Oh yeah, yeah, getting the bees her. I do think there's

    KC Davis 45:34

    something sort of like, as someone who reads a lot of fantasy books, there is something like primal about watching someone interact with bees, where you're like, This is magic. There's no other explanation. The

    Caroline 45:44

    same thing with the bird watching, where it's like, I feel like the sea glass video I did was similar where it's like, just about people who collect sea glass from beaches. That's it. You know, it's because it's such innocuous outdoor It sounds very peaceful type of stuff. And because, I think again, same thing with the bird watching. You picture like, this man that's like, in his 60s or 70s, right? And you just, you're like, Oh, I bet he wanted to fight that guy. That's

    KC Davis 46:12

    how I feel when there's, like, tea about, like, knitting patterns. There's

    Caroline 46:15

    another one. I is always good knitting drama. I just never, I haven't found one that's like, really, really juicy. But knitting is one of those ones that I never people constantly say they're like, the knitting community goes wild. The stuff that people get upset about in the knitting community, the drama there goes insane, like with patterns, and certainly, AI has created, I'm waiting for a really good knitting story. It's I like to check off niches. And if it's a new a net new one, I'm way more interested, you know, and knitting is one of those ones I really meant to but yeah, I'd say the beekeeping one, that one had to do with a beekeeper on tick tock, who was he was testing a new hive from a company called flow, and basically explaining his concerns with some of the back and forths he had with them and their customer service because of some recommendations they made to him, that he's like, Hey, if I did this, my bees would die, and that's not good. And he was theorizing that the reason for that would be because flow is based in Australia, and he is in the Midwest of the US. And so, you know, winter is a real thing. It's the Midwest, in a really serious way, that it's not the same in Australia. And he's like, here's the thing. I know enough to know that that recommendation, those recommendations they made, wouldn't make sense, and all he was doing was a product review. He wasn't coming out to, you know, come after them, or anything like he said, from beginning, I'm gonna try this hive, because I keep hearing about it, and I'm gonna take you guys on this journey with me. He has a whole series that he goes through. I think part of the reason people like those, beyond just the topic, is that people are really interested in learning about that. Because part of what I try and do is lay a groundwork so that as you come away from it, you have an understanding of, like, what is this thing? What's the basic history behind it? How do things work? So, like, I was explaining the difference between traditional beehives and the Flow Hive and how it works, and like, what it and people love, love that, like the kind of the history of and again, with bird watching, like, What do you mean, where? Where do people love birds? Is there a committee? Is there oversight? Is there? Are there? They're famous birders. Like, I mean, I

    KC Davis 48:18

    truly feel like you do, like a humanitarian service, because, especially right now, everything post election is so stressful and like, things really matter that, like, there's kind of and like, Yes, I do want spaces where, you know, it's like, oh, it's, you know, you don't have to think about anything, but like, there's some kind of, like, weird need that niche T fills, where it's like, I want to feel something about something that doesn't matter.

    Caroline 48:42

    Yeah, it's fun because it's just, it's like, an indulgence. It's like, it's the same reason I love reality TV. Well, yes, like, there's

    KC Davis 48:50

    things that matter that you feel about, and then there's things that don't matter that you don't feel anything about. And it's like, sometimes you need that, like things I can feel about that don't matter. Probably why I like books exactly

    Caroline 48:59

    like, yeah, you want to hear about how the, you know, princesses are, the princess community is beefing over the way they wear dresses, you know, whatever.

    KC Davis 49:08

    Oh, that happens. There's some real tea in the like Disney community about the changes they made to the Disney princesses. Exactly. Well, Caroline tell us where we can look you up, where people can follow niche tea. I

    Caroline 49:19

    am predominantly on Tiktok, but I'm also I try to have a presence pretty much everywhere. I'm on Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, I repost to Instagram and YouTube. You can find me any of those places, just trying to make it easy for people to follow me. I'm Arith girl, A, E, R, i, t, h, g, I R, L, everywhere. So I should be easy enough to find. And I use the same profile

    KC Davis 49:41

    photo, so I'm making it as easy as I can. Awesome. Well, Caroline, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It was great talking to you. You.

Christy Haussler
123: Are You an Introvert or is it Social Anxiety? with Natasha Daniels

Social anxiety is an interesting topic. Natasha Daniels is a social anxiety therapist and mom who joined us recently to discuss OCD and kids; today, we are exploring another form of anxiety as Natasha helps us understand social anxiety. She wrote a memoir, Out of My Shell, detailing her personal experience. 

Show Highlights:

  • Natasha’s background, personal experience, and book about social anxiety

  • The neuro-divergent affirming movement

  • The difference between social anxiety and introversion

  • Do we ALL have some degree of social anxiety?

  • Thoughts on “bed rot,” social anxiety, and what’s “normal”

  • Social anxiety as a defense mechanism

  • The isolation that comes with social anxiety

  • OCD, social anxiety, and autism—a common connection?

  • “A paralyzing fear of others’ perceptions and a preoccupation with managing those perceptions”

  • The difference between a defense mechanism and a personality trait

  • An overview of Natasha’s experience with social anxiety and why she wrote her book

  • Social anxiety is NOT a self-esteem issue.

  • Outsmarting the negative critic in your head

  • Dr. Kristin Neff’s concept of “fierce self-compassion,” which is “a feistiness of advocacy”

Resources and Links:

Future Fans:Helping little kids become BIG fans

Connect with Natasha Daniels: Website (and book) and Instagram

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music. Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today we're going to talk about social anxiety. I actually have Natasha Daniels back in the studio with us. Last time Natasha was here, we were talking about OCD in kids. And now we're going to talk about a different kind of anxiety, which is social anxiety. Natasha, thank you for coming back. Oh,

    Natasha Daniels 0:23

    thanks for having me again. I appreciate it.

    KC Davis 0:25

    So Okay, the last episode about OCD, you kind of talked to us about what you know about OCD, but talk to us a little bit about kind of who you are and how that relates to social anxiety. And I understand you actually wrote a book as well on this topic.

    Natasha Daniels 0:39

    I did. I wrote a memoir. So I am an anxiety and OCD child therapist, and I'm also the mom to three kids with anxiety and OCD, and all three have social anxiety, and I also have struggled with just generalized anxiety disorder and predominantly social anxiety. And so yeah, I get social anxiety on a very deep, personal and clinical level.

    KC Davis 0:59

    So what is the name of your book?

    Natasha Daniels 1:01

    It's out of my shell, overcoming social anxiety from childhood to adulthood. I gotta think about that for a second.

    KC Davis 1:07

    So here's one of the things that I'm really excited to listen to this because I am firmly situated in sort of like the neuro divergent affirming movement, where we are trying to just like, normalize that people have different neurotypes, they have different personalities, they have different ways of socially interacting, and also trying to kind of normalize like that a good portion that is going to be disabling for the rest of our lives, you know, and that there might be accommodations we need for the rest of our lives. And there's kind of this long history, especially when it comes to autism, and somewhat with ADHD, where all the therapies around autism and ADHD were really focused on just making those kids act more, quote, unquote, normal, right? So making autistic kids make eye contact, making ADHD kids, you know, stop interrupting because and so a lot of us carry a lot of this shame from childhood, and are now really being empowered with this idea of like, Oh, I'm not wrong. I'm not bad. This is just the way that my brain works. And I think that there that that movement is really important and really good. And one of the things that I like as a therapist, and just my personal and professional experience, like, have begun to think about is kind of this, I wouldn't say, like guardrail, but it's kind of like this parallel truth that I think is really important to have in this movement, where there are things about our brains and our bodies working differently, that there's nothing wrong with them, and maybe They don't need to be fixed. And I think sometimes we need to remember that there are also disorders that are inherently debilitating, and are things that can and we should be seeking to overcome, that we can live differently that they aren't or don't have to be a part of our core personality or identity or experience, and that's why I really find your experience with social anxiety really captivating and important. Because, you know, and I want to kind of start here with like, the difference between introversion and social anxiety, because there's nothing wrong with being an introvert. There's nothing there to fix. But I'm wondering how many people maybe actually have social anxiety that just think they're an introvert and they're maybe missing an opportunity to grow in a direction that would make their life more fulfilling, happier, more meaningful?

    Natasha Daniels 3:38

    Yeah, and I love that question, because I really feel like that has been a big part of my journey, which has been, how do I love and accept the introvert part of me and get the social anxiety much, much smaller and how they are separated? Because I think that one is to accept who you are, and that was part of my journey, because I think social anxiety is really good at getting you to give yourself a narrative that's not true, you know, to make you feel like it's not a disorder. It's just that people don't like you, or that you repel people, or that you're just an introvert. And really social anxiety is the fear of rejection criticism, the feeling that you are going to embarrass yourself or be found out, or that you're not enough. I mean, I think that's the core fear under social anxiety for most people, is I'm not enough in some category, and I get my value by you validating me. And so there's this panic, if I'm not validated externally in some way, then I'm not good enough. And that's different than being an introvert. I mean, you can be an extrovert and have social anxiety. I've got one of those at my house, and she, I mean, she wore a banana suit to a Hawaiian dance. I was like, I think you got the wrong she's like, No, I want to be different, like she was, I'm sure she was the only banana dancing in the Hawaiian dance party. But it's not about being an introvert extrovert. I mean, a lot of people with social anxiety are introverted. Sometimes. Maybe not organically. Maybe it happens that way. And some people are shy, but some people aren't shy, and some people have social skills and some people don't. It's not a lack of social skills, per se, it's just that fear of judgment and criticism that dominates it, and it's, it is debilitating, and it, it does squash your ability to live a full life. And it, it can be worked on.

    KC Davis 5:20

    So, you know, when you talk about the root of it, I mean, I remember feeling that as a teenager, like really needing people's validation, really being afraid of rejection. And I think that's a normal sort of developmental space. But at the same time, I wouldn't describe, like, my behaviors or fears around that as social anxiety, because, like, although I was afraid of being judged, I don't know if I just like, I felt like I knew how not to be, if that makes sense or like, I never, I didn't have like. I was always out. I always wanted to be with people. I always, I guess in my head, it was like, I'm good at getting people's validation. So yes, I'm still afraid of not having it, but I don't have any anxiety about my ability to gain it. You know what? I mean, it's almost like kind of tending towards narcissism, almost,

    Natasha Daniels 6:07

    yeah, and I think it is developmentally appropriate, especially middle school and high school, you know, your tween and your teen years, to feel like you're living in a fish bowl and to feel, you know, that real. I mean, it's developmentally appropriate, like, I want my peers to love and support me. I want to people have people like me. And I think it's also a human condition. I think with social anxiety is the acuity, it's the level of debilitation that goes with it. And most people's social anxiety don't have that tenacity to say, I'm good at it. I think it's the opposite. It's like, I'm bad at it, and I should avoid it.

    KC Davis 6:40

    So is that really, I mean, you said in the podcast about OCD that avoidance is the fuel of anxiety. Is that the difference between like, maybe what makes because you could have a lot of people that have that fear of rejection or that needing of validity, and you know, some people that might express, as, you know, I'm, you know, almost narcissistic. Some people, it might just be I'm really clingy, or I'm really needy, or I'm kind of a pick me, or I'm real insecure, or I'm real manipulative to people, because I really need everyone to like me. Is what distinguishes the social anxiety, the avoidance aspect of it, that that fear kind of causes an avoidance.

    Natasha Daniels 7:17

    I think that's one component for sure. I mean, I think avoidance fuels all anxiety disorders, and so do I avoid my, you know, avoid putting myself in situations that are going to be uncomfortable? Do I avoid talking to people, you know? So, yes, avoidance is a component of it. I think there's other elements too. There's checking in a non OCD way, like, am I blushing, or am I sweating, or am I is my voice shaking, or, you know, Do I look okay? Or whatever your theme is, it does show up differently for each person. We all tend to hyper focus on specific things, and that's different for each person. But then also it's the ruminating. And so let's just, you know, analyze that conversation for the next 24 hours, and what I should have said, or what I could have said, or so there's a lot of ruminating that also happens, and then a lot of times, a lot of anxiety attacks. You know, you're in a situation that you couldn't avoid or that you had tried to do, and then it's that's not going well, because your inner critic is telling you, oh my gosh, this is really sucking right now, and then full blown panic. And so having those anxiety attacks is also sometimes a hallmark of it.

    KC Davis 8:21

    Yeah, and I wonder, you know, I think one of the things, there's a few disorders that are some like this in that one of the things that I think makes social anxiety a little bit difficult to I talk about in the abstract, like, it's probably not hard as a clinician to identify when you see it, but it's hard to talk about in the abstract because, like, to a certain degree, all of these behaviors are just like typical behaviors. And we all have had a conversation where we're kicking ourselves going, Oh, I must have looked so stupid. I can't stop thinking about it. You know, we all have situations where, you know, maybe you're sweating and you're thinking, oh, gosh, I got probably an armpit water left. And so, you know, it is part of this, the frequency of those things. Because, I mean, I have interactions where I can't stop thinking about for days because it was, you know, I did or said something stupid. But I also think that, like in those situations, I have, in fact, done or said something stupid, you know what I mean, as opposed to, maybe there's not anything identifiably wrong at that moment, but then later, you know, you start second guessing, and you start, like, that kind of thing.

    Natasha Daniels 9:25

    Yeah, I think that's why a lot of people's social anxiety aren't diagnosed. Don't even recognize they have it, because it is, like this severity of it. It's the volume of it that creates the disorder. And I know even when I was talking to, like my brother about it, you know, and I was writing my memoir, he's and I was like, explaining stuff, and he's like, Well, don't we all have that? And actually, my uncle too, he was like, don't we all feel that way? And I felt really discounted. It's like, read my book, but when they did, it's interesting, because that was both of their reactions. And then when they read my book, they were like, Oh my gosh, I did. Realize you were suffering like that internally. And I have a friend who's really outgoing, and she's like, I didn't realize people think this way or struggle this way. And so I think it's in the detail of what's going on in our head and the severity of what we avoid, or how much we like ruminate and think about it, that becomes the disorder.

    KC Davis 10:17

    Yeah. And I think you know, as much as we even say, like, some of these are normal fears and feelings and things to do. You know, in adolescents, they're still even there. Like, you know, when you have a kid that is crying every morning before school because they're afraid that they, you know, won't be liked, or they like even then, like, you can see the outliers where it's like, okay, yes, a degree of that is normal. But here we have a kid that is, like, damn near not functioning. And it's not just the I'm afraid to get on stage for this presentation, or what if I don't have friends, though, the first couple of weeks, whatever, it's kind of like things beyond that at a different frequency and intensity and even like a benignness, even the benign ones are really heightened.

    Natasha Daniels 11:02

    Yeah, exactly. I mean, even when I think about my kids or my own childhood, it's like throwing up before going to school every day, like that was the norm. Or, you know, for my daughter, having to take, you know, medication to calm her before she goes to a birthday party, because otherwise she feels like she's gonna throw up or pass out, or my son even, like, we went to a pumpkin patch thing the other day, and he is in online school, and I was like, Oh, he needs to get out. And he has social anxiety, so that's definitely not helpful. And just the panic, and him just standing in the line, you know, I'm trying to dance a little bit, and he's like, stop it. Just stop it, you know? And I'm like, we're in the dark. No one can see me, and everyone's dancing like, why is this a problem? But that level of feeling like you're in the spotlight, and that level of panic is definitely more extreme than your your average kid. You

    KC Davis 11:54

    know, one of the things that I think is kind of funny that happens on social medias is there's kind of this, like normalizing, like, they call it like bed rotting. We feel like this. My favorite place is my bed. I just want to be in bed with my treats and a good show and binge watch TV. And the thing is, is like, I agree, like, I love a good bed rot day. Like, I've always been a person that, like, that's my day. That's my idea of like, a day off and but then, like, as a therapist, my mind always goes to, like, those bumper rails of like, we've got to have some bumper rails on this conversation, on this trend, on, on a kind of trending towards, like, normalizing, not always having to be out and doing things. Because I do think that it would be easy for someone with social anxiety to go, yeah. See, it's normal to always want to be in, to never want to be out, to not like anyone, to, you know, not and, and there is some pushback that I'm seeing, you know, in at least in the spaces that I exist, where people are like, hey, like, it's not normal to hate everyone, right? It's, it's not normal. Like, it's okay to be like, I'm not a people person, and then like, but like, that's different than like, I, you know, vehemently dislike participating in communal spaces because I don't like other people. You know what I mean, like, and I'm just curious, like, if you have any thoughts about that, about like, things that you know, maybe even that you personally kind of justified as well. This is just normal, or this is my personality, or it's okay, and that you later realized, like, Oh no, that was me being in distress. Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 13:25

    it is really it feels better to just be like, I just don't like people. Or people suck. And, yeah, some of them really do. But I think there's a defense mechanism that happens with social anxiety that I definitely was part of in my teens. I was just like, Oh, I'm going to be anti establishment. I'm going to like, you know, I'm going to go goth, I'm going to go Nine Inch Nails. And there was like, liberation in that, because I was like, Okay, now I can, like, not like people, and be very overt about it, and I don't want to fit in. I don't want to be with you. And I really feel like, not only was that a phase, that was a defense mechanism, although, you know, I still like the music. And then as I got older, again, still not recognizing that I had social anxiety, I would always make excuses like, oh, well, I'm new here, you know, or this is a new thing, or maybe next time, I'll make friends. And then it was just like, I don't fit in with these people, like they're too wealthy, or they're too this, or they're too that. And I would always find a reason why I was excluded. And then I just doubled down, really, in my 30s and 40s, I was like, I just don't get along with people and so, and that's okay, I'm just gonna stay here and just be best friends with my husband. And that was unproductive, because that wasn't really the whole story. I mean, I was avoiding because I didn't know how to make connections, and I was afraid of rejection, and I felt like the minute I left my house, I was there's a spotlight on me, and so avoidance was just an easier way. I

    KC Davis 14:43

    remember when I was in rehab, they had me do this, like one exercise about, I can't remember what it was about, but it was during, like a family processing therapy session. And I read this thing where I talked about how every time I move. I don't see my body moving from my point of view, from like first person that, like, I see everything I do in third person. So I'm thinking, How did my body look as it moved in that way? And how did that sound as somebody heard it, and that even when I was alone, it was like being in The Truman Show, like, in my head, it was just kind of like, always a performance, and it was specifically related to, it wasn't related to like, I don't know how to act, or like, I don't get social cues. It was specifically related to the judgment of the people around me and making sure that I was liked, that I looked cool, or that I looked okay, or that I looked and that like that was like this preoccupation that, like, I couldn't do anything, everything I did and said I observed in third person. And that was kind of like my primary preoccupation was, how is this going to be taken? How is this going to be observed? How is this going to pass? Even if I was in public and no one was looking at me, it still mattered to me. And I remember thinking, like, Man, this is a really, like, broken part of me. This is like, a really disordered, maybe part of my addiction, part of me being, like, very different. And my sister, who's 12 years older than me, so she was, like, in her late 20s at the time, was like, Well, I remember feeling that when I was a teenager. And I remember that at the time, feeling a little confused, because I was like, Wait, am I not that unique? But then also being like, oh, that's kind of relieving, because she, like, didn't have addiction problems, but she was like, I mean, I remember feeling that as a teenager, and ever since then, that has really been kind of this really important memory, because it seems like at least from my understanding of, like, social anxiety from that aspect of it. It's like, and maybe you can correct me if I'm wrong. It's kind of like a normal phase, but you don't ever grow out of it. Like, if you kind of get, like, stuck in that, I can only ever think in public, in this, like, 3d Truman Show, what am I looking whatever. And then that's causing this, like, almost like, it's debilitating to think that way, and so I can't really, I don't know what you think about that, but I just, I'm trying to thread that needle, even for myself, between, like, it would be normal to experience some of this stuff at like, certain phases of life or certain heightened experiences, but that, like, I did, kind of just pass through that, like, I don't, I don't. Now, in my, you know, 30s, experience the world that way, yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 17:27

    well, and I think, like, okay, during your tween and teen years, if we had, like, a radio dial, you know, it's at like a nine, you know, normally for, like, developmentally appropriate, you know, phase of life, and when you have social anxiety, it's at like a 20. And then as you get older, you know everyone else's dial goes down to maybe, like a five, and yours is still at a 20. And so because the level of intensity that I felt starting in eighth grade was still so above and beyond. I mean throwing up every day before going to school, and then not your typical just like, I feel like I'm on stage when I go into the cafeteria. You know, it was like It dominated. And then I started having anxiety attacks in eighth grade, because we had this one teacher who was lazy and would just make everybody read again. Nobody likes reading. It can be embarrassing to read in public, but for me, like I would get stuck on it. I would think about that one hour, and I would worry about it, and then I would have an anxiety attack reading. I would run out of breath, and I would start to panic that I was going to pass out, and then for the rest of the day and the night, I would like lament on, I have to go back. And, you know, everyone saw me. Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Everyone heard me mispronounce a word, and so I think it's like that volume button is at a really dysfunctional level.

    KC Davis 18:45

    It also seems like when your description of it, what strikes me about that is you just seem very alone. And I think my experience of those kind of developmentally appropriate experiences of like self you know, what is like self consciousness? I didn't experience those as feeling alone, like they were still very much in the context of connections that I was feeling with other people, if that makes sense, like there wasn't like a love, there wasn't an anxiety or a worry or avoid there was definitely, like, maybe a preoccupation, or a little bit of like, I really care, or I'm a little afraid of this, but I think when I hear your experience, it makes me feel very much sad about how alone and kind of almost like disconnected from the reality of kind of what was going on around you. Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 19:32

    and I think that is an earmark for social anxiety. Is this isolation and feeling like you are alone? And I think that's also why people don't recognize they have it is they think I'm the only one that has these thoughts. I'm the only one that worries about these things. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in in any area of my life, even in my family, I thought, you know, they don't like me that much. You know, they don't call me enough as an adult, my work environment once I became a mom. Oh my gosh, that just like, like, social anxiety to the power of two, because now my kids are embarrassing me, or people are judging me about my parenting. On top of that, I don't fit into my community. I don't fit into my work, and so it's and for some people, it's just one area. It might just be their work. They feel like, you know, they're not good enough, and they're worried they're gonna blush and they're worried they're gonna shake. And for me, it's ironically, the other way around. I feel pretty confident in work. If I'm wearing a professional hat, I can have a conversation all day, but throw me in a party where it's unscripted and, like, I have to actually, like, find out who I'm gonna talk to. I rather die. Like, that's a tent for me. And so it's different for each person with social anxiety. One

    KC Davis 20:35

    of the things that is standing out to me, you know, in contrast to the conversation we had about OCD is that, like, I could for sure see someone who is OCD and has social anxiety as getting diagnosed autistic, because they'd go, oh, you know you worry in social situations. You're uncomfortable in social situations. You know you miss social cues. But again, that's your like self report about thinking that you're missing social cues, or you don't get what's going on you always feel on the outside, and then you have these obsessions and compulsions that maybe get seem like restrictive and repetitive behavior. And I can also see the opposite, right? Like, maybe someone who is autistic just kind of going to a therapist that isn't familiar with autism and being like, Oh man, this looks like OCD and social anxiety, and it is making me think about because I have so many autistic people in my life like I think sometimes we hear a lot from people in the autism community that experience, that feeling, way they talk about they call it social deficits, which I'm not a huge fan of, the deficit language, but that's what it's referred to. A lot of times I'll hear people express that experience as this sort of like, I'm always worried that I'm not doing something right socially. I'm always overly concerned that, you know, I don't know when it's the right time to leave. And I'm always worried that, you know, what, if people don't like me here and I can't pick up on it. But I think sometimes, you know, there are just as many autistic people who experience their social symptoms as like, the opposite, if that makes sense, where it's like, I don't worry. I don't think about it. I don't, you know, there's this, for lack of a better term, kind of like, an obliviousness of like, this isn't something I worry about at all, and that's part of the symptomology. And I guess I'm just wondering, like, you know, it seems like it would be difficult as a parent to figure out what's going on, or even as a person, but it also strikes me like, how many autistic adults also have social anxiety, but because they are autistic, or because they have an autism diagnosis, maybe are thinking like, well, this is just a part of my autism. There's nothing that can be done about it. And are, like, really trying to, like, drum up some self acceptance for this part of them that maybe isn't so central to their identity as they have previously thought, like, maybe this is social anxiety, not saying you're not autistic, but maybe part of this is social anxiety that actually can be, you know, drastically minimized, and increase your experience of life like so I'm just curious your thoughts on that. Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 23:13

    you know, I think sometimes there is an overlap. I think when you take social anxiety without the autistic element, a lot of times, what drives it is that you are too aware of people's cues. And so like, I can tell that someone's uncomfortable, like, a mile away, I could be in a room and I could be like, Why is that guy in the corner? Like, looking uncomfortable, and now I'm uncomfortable for him. Like, I can read subtle cues to the point where it's a deficit, because I can tell when someone's not interested in what I'm saying, and I think I'm accurate a lot of the time, because I'm so clued in, I'm like, hyper fixating on their eye contact. Where are they moving their eyes? How are they participating in this conversation? And so it adds to the narrative I'm picking up on things that I think the average person doesn't pick up on and so they can live in Oblivion, which I wish I could when you're dealing with an autistic person. They may or may not, they may struggle reading social cues or truly having like the reciprocity of the back and forthness. And so the skills might make them struggle. And then, though the social anxiety can add to it, like I need their approval, that that narrative underneath of I need them to like me. I'm not good enough if they don't accept me, that part can be worked on, where I can stumble on my words, or I can not fit in, and I can do these things anyway and be okay with them not liking me, and that there's room for growth in that area, no matter what,

    KC Davis 24:45

    yeah, it seems like I mean, or I can. Maybe this is a question like, is the core of social anxiety, kind of like a paralyzing fear of others perception, and that causes. Like a preoccupation with needing to manage that, which, in turn, often results in just an avoidance of social situations when at all possible.

    Natasha Daniels 25:10

    Yeah, I think it's a really good way to summarize it. Yeah, exactly. Okay, cool.

    KC Davis 25:16

    That's a helpful way to think of it, because I think that helps me distinguish, like, okay, although I relate to some things that I've heard people talk about in social anxiety, I don't relate to this core sort of like thing happening, if that makes sense, yeah, and I like what you said about basically, like, the difference between a defense mechanism and a personality trait, right? Like, we can be introverted, or we can prefer to have a quiet time by ourselves, and then that's different than social anxiety, which kind of is like a defense mechanism. So what are some of the things in your experience? And if I remember correctly, the book is like a memoir of your sort of like coming through social anxiety. So what were some of the key points for you, or maybe some of the key interventions that actually helped you? And I'm curious, like, What have you discovered about your personality that you didn't know before, because it was kind of being covered up by the social anxiety? Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 26:14

    you know, I the book goes back and forth to, like, my childhood and then my present, and then in between, I'm doing actually therapy sessions with my younger self, and trying to get my younger selves to realize that it's social anxiety and not kind of the stories that I was telling myself. But I so I did start to develop like a hierarchy. It's like a first batch of working on my social anxiety. And then I revisit it back in my 40s. I'm not that old. I'm in my I'm like, 52 but because it's a good daily practice. But to speak on, like, introvert versus social anxiety, one of the things that I did as an exposure was I signed up for this conference. It was like, an entrepreneur conference or whatever, and I was like, we're gonna go alone in it's another state. And then I even, like, I kind of developed because I named my social anxiety para, because it makes me feel really paranoid. And so I kind of personified it as an element of myself that I didn't want that was this negative critic. And then there was this Natasha 2.0 who was like, this, like, annoying cheerleader, who was like, You got to go to this conference, and you got to, you know, sign up and go and and then she was like, you should get a roommate, you know, which really pushed me over the edge. And so let's get a stranger, you know, who's going to the conference. Going to the conference too. Because people were looking for roommates. The roommate was, I couldn't decide, and this is in the book. I was like, trying to figure out, like, do I want to diagnose her? Like, she's definitely quiet, you know, does she have social anxiety too? And so we had dinner, and she's like, you know, not talking, and she's distracted or whatever. And so I thought, Oh, I think she might have social anxiety as well. And then I meet this other girl randomly who just walks up to me, thank goodness, because I was like, overwhelmed, and she's outgoing, and she's an extrovert, and she, like, just takes me under her wing. And so the whole weekend, I'm like, learning I'm watching her, like, how she's talking to these strangers, and I see my roommate who was very like, not friendly and wasn't really engaged. She read a book at night, and I eventually, I was like, I think she's an introvert. Like, I wouldn't sit there and read a book. She doesn't seem to care. But I saw her when we were, you know, taking a lunch break, and there's a sea of people, and she's just sitting there on the grass reading. And I was like, that's a comfortable introvert. That's the difference, you know, I have social anxiety. I'm totally aware, and she is in the middle of the sea of people, and just wanting to recharge sitting there. And that eventually became my goal, like, I want to accept who I am. But the problem was, if I'm sitting in like, let's say I'm sitting in an auditorium with a sea of people, my social anxiety is like, oh my gosh, you're the biggest loser. People are staring at you, grab your phone, look busy. This is so awkward. Everybody else has friends. Look at them talking over there, and it will it's non stop. And I realized I don't want to be sitting with a group of people, but I want to be able to sit there and be like, I'm cool. This is fine. This is who I am. I'm not the life of the party, and so it's rectifying that, and that's what I learned about myself in the book, was, like, I am a solid introvert. I don't know if I would have been I wanted to be an actress when I was in fourth grade, and I was really loud, so I don't know if, like, the bullying in middle school, like, shut that down, but I know now, like, I'm a solid introvert, and my goal wasn't to have a large group of friends. My goal was, Can I sit in public, in groups and not feel like there's a spotlight.

    KC Davis 29:24

    You know, one of the things that strikes me, and I say this as a morally neutral term, but just as an observation, like, there's quite a bit of self absorption in social anxiety, of like, self preoccupation, and I wonder how much, how many people are trying to fix their social anxiety by treating it like a self esteem issue. Like, well, I just need to think better about myself. I need to like myself more. I need to like that kind of thing. But it seems like all you wanted to do was just. Think about yourself less, like, that's what you saw in the lady reading the book. It wasn't that she, like, liked herself more than you. She just, like, was able to sit in a place and not have to overthink how everyone in that place was thinking about her and, like, whether it was weird to be reading a book, or whether anyone was judging her reading a book, or something like that. And I mentioned that just because I feel like that's one of, like, I feel like my life lessons was that, like, there were so many issues that I tried to treat as I can solve this if I just like myself more. And then I realized, like, no actually, like, I can solve this by just like, learning how to think about myself less frequently. You know what I mean. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I can just go whether it was like body issues or insecurities or any of those kind of things, because it seems like that's the freedom, not that you have to be socially suave, or that everyone has to like you, or that you have to like yourself, but just that you could exist in a public place without feeling like all eyes are on you, or having to like think In that kind of third person, yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 31:02

    I mean, I did feel like I for me, like I had to accept the reality that people may not like me and that I was okay with that. And for me, I did have to become as cliched as it sounds like. I had to become my own best friend and my own advocate, where it was like this, screw you. I don't care if you like me attitude. And once I got that, when I was like, I'm gonna put myself in situations. So one time, one of my exposures was, if I see that I'm doing something that's bothering other people, I'm gonna keep doing it. It was like, just this mental game I was playing with myself. And so I was in this gym in my community, and I was somebody was on this exercise machine that was squeaking, and it was squeaking, and it was super annoying. And we were all getting annoyed. I could tell everyone it was a very small gym and and I couldn't tell what exercise equipment was doing that. And so, like, 10 minutes later, I found it because I'm on it and it's like, er and squeaking. And I was like, No, you were gonna do 50 reps. You have to finish the 50 reps. And I was like, mortified, but I was doing it because I wanted to put myself in situations where it wasn't going to be a positive response. Like, can I put myself in situations where I might have a confrontation, or I might be annoying people, or people legitimately don't like me in that moment? And can I accept that? I think sometimes on the surface, we do social anxiety exposures, like, let's prove that people are going to be nice to you, or let's prove that you can get along with people, or that it's going to go well. And that was not my goal. My goal was like, Can I care less about what people think? And actually, ironically, care more about what I think? And so my self esteem did grow. I think the more I worked on my exposures, because I was, like, rooting for myself, but it

    KC Davis 32:41

    seems like that was the result, not the like. Because I think what you just said is kind of what I was, what I was trying to say, which is, like it wasn't, let's prove that I'm so likable and that I'm not that I that it's not true, that people aren't going to be annoyed with me. It almost seems like you approached it more like a distress tolerance exercise, rather than like a self love exercise. And when you learn the distress tolerance of, yeah, people might be judging me, or like, Oh, I'm not being liked right now, like that led to you having higher self esteem.

    Natasha Daniels 33:17

    It got smushy, yeah, I don't know. I feel like it's smooshy. I feel like I started to really, like, pay attention to the negative, like critic in my head. And then I started, like, I forced myself I did, like, a lot of mental exercises. I would force myself to not, like, negate what I was saying. Like, if I was like, Oh my gosh, like, you look like such an idiot, it would be like, what's another way to say that to myself? Or what it's something I do like about myself, and not in a very trivial way, but like, can we double down on liking your quirks, you know? And then somebody said, like, gave me a compliment, I always have to negate it. Like, if someone says, Oh, I like your shoes, I'd be like, Oh, I got them at pay less, like they really were like, or got them at, like, goodwill, like, I always had to, like, put myself down. And so I made this mental rule, like, if someone compliments you, you just have to say thank you, which was so uncomfortable. Just be like, thank you. Oh, I appreciate that. So I did a lot of games, but I really feel like, along with the exposure, because I don't think the exposure would have worked if I wasn't like, you know what? Honestly, it was like this screw you attitude that came before the exposure. I was like, I'm so tired of what everyone thinks. I'm like, Screw everybody. Like, I love myself, I'm quirky, I'm not your flavor. That's a you problem, not a me problem. I got kind of feisty and angry about it, and I was like, I don't care if my hair doesn't look good, or I don't care if you don't want to be my friend, or I don't care if I sit here in this auditorium and you're worried about that. That's a you problem. And so I got a little feisty, and then, at the same time, was putting myself in exposures. And so I think it was a two for up for me, yeah,

    KC Davis 34:42

    well, it does. It sounds like it goes hand in hand, but I do like the distinction you made where it was like, I do think a lot of us make the mistake that, like, we first need to, like, sit in our closet and convince ourselves we're worthy, and then we can go out and do things, as opposed to Yes. And I think. So what I hear you saying is a lot of even kind of like self compassion. And Christy Neff actually makes a distinction where she talks about self compassion and she talks about fierce self compassion. And fierce self compassion is angry. It is fu it is, I don't care. It is this, like, feistiness of advocacy. And so I like, I mean, it kind of sounds like exactly the same thing, which is funny, because, like, you know, when I wrote how to keep house while drowning, that was kind of the backbone of that book, was we have to do these at the same time. Like, we have to have this, like, gentle skill building, where, yes, we're looking for accommodations, but we're also like, doing the thing right, and we have to have this like, emotional skill of self compassion, where we're like identifying when we're being critical and we are, you know, trying to change the way we're talking about that. And like giving ourselves permission to be human, and giving ourselves permission to, you know, not always be perfect. And I just, I feel like, the older I get, the more I feel like that's like most issues, right? Is like that double approach of like gentle skill building that has to balance accommodating and, you know, challenging exposure and those, like emotional skills, like they really does have to be both,

    Natasha Daniels 36:26

    yeah, it does. And, I mean, and even it's a daily practice, like, even, you know, currently, I have to ask myself some, some of the time, like, do I do I want to go there, you know? Or am I forcing myself to go there just because I think I'm avoiding because of my social anxiety, or do I just not care and I don't want to, you know? And so it's like, because you want to be true to yourself, and it's not just about throwing yourself off the cliff all the time, which is what I did initially. It's like, you know, sometimes I don't really want to go there, or I actually learned how to say no more with my social anxiety, you know, like I often said yes because I didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings, or I felt like I wanted them to like me. And so I'm saying no to a lot more stuff as well, because, like, that is my authentic self, yeah.

    KC Davis 37:10

    I mean, people pleasing has a lot of forms, yeah? And in some ways, you know, I can see how much more of a boundary person you would become in that process, yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 37:21

    to protect because you become your friend. You know, you're like, I Natasha, doesn't want to

    KC Davis 37:28

    go, you know? Well, Natasha, this has been another great conversation. Can you tell everybody? Tell us again, the name of your book and where we can find it.

    Natasha Daniels 37:35

    Yeah, you can. It's called out of my shell, and it's where books are sold online, you can go to social anxiety reality.com. Is the website for it, and I did create a separate Instagram account just for social anxiety, which is social anxiety reality, where I do reels, and I just like they're embarrassing, I try not to watch them. That's my daily struggle. So yeah, if you want to be voyeuristic, you can check that out. Awesome. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. You.

Christy Haussler
122: Addressing Sexual Violence on College Campuses is Easier than You Think with Nicole Bedera

Today’s topic carries a degree of sensitivity, so consider this a trigger warning if you are sensitive to discussions about sexual assault and sexual harassment. Our focus is on how universities and workplaces are dealing with these issues–and how they can do it better. My guest is Nicole Bedera, a sociologist and author with a Ph.D. Her upcoming debut book is On the Wrong Side: How Universities Protect Predators and Betray Survivors of Sexual Violence.

Show Highlights:

  • Nicole’s background as a victim advocate in the criminal justice system

  • College as the entry point into an adulthood of privilege for perpetrators of violence

  • The biggest challenges for universities regarding sexual violence

  • Title IX: where it all began in 1980

  • Punishing perpetrators AND meeting the needs of survivors—can we do both?

  • Power, punishment, and consequences

  • Nicole’s surprise when she dug deeper into sexual assault cases

  • The myth: Sexual violence only happens from evil men.

  • White supremacy history and sexual assault

  • Barriers to justice and societal norms

  • The truth: Perpetrators rarely change their behavior.

  • The research shows that a lot of men will stop perpetrating IF they know there will be negative consequences.

  • There is little accountability on college campuses for perpetrators.

  • The need to create safe spaces for survivors over perpetrators

  • The Brett Kavanaugh scenario

  • What we CAN fix to have huge ripple effects

Resources and Links:

Connect with Dr. Nicole Bedera: Website, Twitter, and On the Wrong Side book

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today we are going to talk about something that is a little bit of a sensitive topic. So just sort of putting a trigger warning out there, if you couldn't tell by the title, we're going to be talking about sexual assault, specifically sexual assault sexual harassment, and how universities and workplaces are dealing with it and how they can deal with it better. And our guest today is Nicole Bedera. She has a PhD. She's a sociologist and an author. She has an upcoming book called on the wrong side, how universities protect perpetrators and betray survivors of sexual violence. Nicole, thank you for being here.

    Nicole Bedera 0:43

    Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

    KC Davis 0:45

    So tell us a little bit about yourself, like, how did this kind of become your area of expertise?

    Nicole Bedera 0:50

    Yeah, so I started out as a victim advocate, actually, and I was working inside the criminal justice system, specifically in the hospitals with meeting with victims during forensic exams, which you might know was a rape kit. So a lot of the time, I was one of the first people that a survivor was asking very basic questions about what happened to them. Why is sexual assault so common? Why is it happening to so many people? Why did it happen to me? Is it something I did? And for a lot of people, it was their first window into what happens if you try to report and it doesn't look the way people expect. If you watch a lot of SVU, you're pretty horrified when you see the way it actually works. And so they would ask these really simple questions around, why does it work this way, and is this a good way to do it? I'm kind of surprised by what's going on. And at the time, this was about 10 years ago, a little more than that, the academic literature wasn't very well developed to answer those questions. The questions that we had were mostly victim blaming, or the answers that we had were mostly victim blaming, they were things like, well, here are the risky behaviors you behaved in, and this is why you are in the situation you're in. And it just didn't feel right to answer that way. We were not trained to answer that way either for what it's worth, but the other response of saying we just don't know didn't feel satisfying either. So I decided to get a PhD and study how sexual violence happens in our society, why it's so predictable, why so many of these cases look the same, and also why our responses just aren't working for survivors, and why it's so rare for survivors to get their needs met when they come forward. I ended up on college campuses mostly just because college is the entry point for the most privileged adults in our society to learn the norms of adulthood. So if violence is normal on a college campus, it's gonna feel normal in a workplace, if it's normal for your school to sweep things under the rug, you'll expect that in your family, and you might that might be something you teach your own kids. And that's why I focus on college campuses, not because I think they're particularly unique, but because it is that entry point for the most powerful people in our society to be thinking about violence and thinking about their role in violence perpetration and violence response and in being victims too.

    KC Davis 3:01

    Okay, thank you. Here's kind of where I wanted to start, right? Because you're talking about how universities can be responding differently, and I want to start with like, what are some of the challenges that universities face when they're trying to address these issues of sexual violence? Because I think that one of the things that I think about a lot is I'm someone who like when someone tells me you know I was victimized, I believe them, but I also am not a person in charge of punishing the person that victimized them, and so just as a member of society, I've almost never met someone who says that they were sexually victimized that I didn't believe because, yeah, yes, I believe you. We believe victims, but if you are actually a person in charge of, like, handing down decisions that change people's lives, you know that's why we have, like, a court system when it comes to actually doing those sort of things. And it strikes me that, like, universities are in this weird in between where they're not a court system, but at the same time, they are making decisions that are affecting people's lives and futures and and I guess I just want to kind of start with what are some of the challenges that universities are facing when they're trying to deal with these things. I think

    Nicole Bedera 4:20

    one of the biggest challenges is exactly what you're talking about, which is they see a survivor coming forward as something that's bad for a perpetrator, and they see survivors as an object as evidence, which a part of how they've ended up in this place is not because the law requires them to do this. I want to be really clear about this. Everything I say today, schools could do better tomorrow, if they want to. They have so much flexibility in how they implement federal regulations around Title Nine and sexual violence and sexual harassment. But the issue is, they've been trying to mimic the criminal justice system. You. Even though the reason our schools are supposed to care about sexual violence is totally different than the criminal justice system. So the criminal justice system is focused on punishment, but if you look at the law of Title Nine, and it's the same thing in your workplaces too, but schools and workplaces are supposed to care about sexual assault, because if they don't do something about it, it creates a hostile environment for other women who cannot be safe in that space, and for the victims, we know that if, for example, they are forced to share space on campus with a perpetrator that really negatively impacts their academics and the academic opportunities that are open to them. So the entire title nine process on paper isn't supposed to be about punishment. It's about civil rights. It's about making sure that just because you were sexually assaulted doesn't mean that then you have to change your major, or you have to be the one to move out of your dorm to get away from this violent person, or that you have to be the one to sacrifice all of these opportunities. The original court case that about Title Nine, that said that schools have to care about sexual violence, was actually about these issues. So in this court case, it's called Alexander V L, if there any nerds that want to look it up, and it's from 1980 so it's been around for a while. And what happened in this case is that there was this culture of sexual harassment at Yale University, where professors would ask women for sexual favors in exchange for high grades. And it happened to such a degree that even women who had not received that kind of solicitation didn't feel like they could go to office hours, felt like something unsafe might happen. And that is the court case in which the judge at the time, you know, declined to hear the case because all of the students had left campus by that time. It's one of the big challenges in this particular field, as students move through pretty quickly. But he did write that it was really reasonable that if sexual violence is happening on college campuses to the point that victims and women more broadly, have to have a smaller experience, and they have to avoid some of the opportunities that then are open to only men as a result, that that's a form of sex discrimination. And so the biggest issue that I think campuses are dealing with right now is they're still thinking about what they should be doing in terms of the perpetrator and punishing the perpetrator and using the victim as evidence, as an object in the perpetrators story, where they're the main character and the victim is the side character who's trying to keep them from graduating. But that's not why victims come forward, and that's not the way they should be thinking about sexual assault. They should really be thinking about how this type of violence and having to share space with a perpetrator can make it hard to complete an education. And if they thought about it from that perspective, we'd have a really different system than the one we have right

    KC Davis 7:45

    now. And do you think that there's a way to you've said, like, okay, it's they treat it like it's about punishing the perpetrator. Do you think that if universities treated it not as punishing the perpetrator, but more as meeting the needs of the survivor? Is that separate from punishing the perpetrator, like if a survivor's needs is, I need to not see this person, or I need to be in safe you know that, like one of us has to move? Is there overlap there? It depends

    Nicole Bedera 8:12

    on how you think about punishment. And I actually think that abolitionists are the people we should look to, because they're very clear on what is punishment and what is consequences? And I think sometimes we think of things as punishment for perpetrators when they're actually just the natural consequences of committing an act of violence. And so one of the things that Maria Macapa writes that I think is really great. If you're not familiar with her work, you should get familiar. And it's worth noting that she started her work as an activist about campus sexual assault. That is where her beginnings come from. So she's very, very well aware of these issues, and one of the things that she says is that expecting a perpetrator to give up a position of power is not a punishment. They might not like it, but it's a consequence, and that in comparison to punishments which are inflicting suffering and cruelty. The intention is to sort of teach someone a lesson or to make them hurt for what they've done to someone else. A consequence is just recognizing, you know, we really can't trust you in this position of power anymore, because if we leave you in this position of power, you might hurt more people, or you need this position of power to perpetrate abuse, which is something that we don't think about it very much that way, but that's really true that one of the most common types of sexual violence that happens on college campuses is a professor sexually assaulting or harassing a graduate student, where they're their advisor. And so for anybody who hasn't been through a PhD program, it's really different than an academic advisor in an undergraduate setting, your PhD advisor literally decides when or if you graduate, and they have so much power over that decision that if they can hold that over you, they can get you to do a lot of things that you wouldn't agree to otherwise. And so in this case, saying, you know if you're sexually harassing students, we can't trust you with advising graduate students. It's not. Much about teaching the perpetrator a lesson. It's a form of harm reduction. It's a form of saying, We don't want you to be in this powerful position that you are abusing to hurt other people. So to go back to some of the examples we've been talking about before, things like switching dorms. You know, I don't really think of it as a punishment to say that if you perpetrate a sexual assault, you have to live in a different dorm, or that you can't live on campus at all. I see that as a consequence, which is that if we don't do this, the victim will be the one who feels like they have to leave. And that's another thing that I think a lot of the time, whether it's a college campus or workplace or wherever, people aren't thinking about quite the right way when it comes to sexual violence, they seem. I think the most generous read is to say that they want to be able to keep both people to say, you know, violence has happened. Can the victim and the perpetrator just both find a way to stay in this workplace, to be nice to each other? But that isn't something that is physiologically possible for the victim. It's never safe for a victim to remain around their perpetrator, and victims do it, let's be clear, victims do it, but it always brings on a series of harms, things like being more stressed out. Victims that are forced to share space with their perpetrator are more likely to have PTSD, anxiety, depression, sleep difficulties. They're more likely to develop chronic stress related conditions like migraines, back pain, heart disease and cancer. So even though people can do it, it's with a cost that most victims will eventually opt out once it's safe for them to do so. And so the decision we're really making is not, how can we keep both people? It's Which one do you want to keep? And that's where I really hesitate to think about these interventions as a punishment for the perpetrator, because it's just a natural consequence of violence, and we're deciding, is that borne by the victim? Are we going to keep making things harder and harder for the victim? Are we going to say this is just the way things are now the perpetrator is the one who made the decision to be violent, and they're the one who should bear the consequences of being violent.

    KC Davis 12:06

    And I feel like all that makes sense, and but I want I'm wondering is, like, there's nothing that you're saying that I disagree with at all, especially when we're talking in the theoretical where, like, we definitely know in our theoretical like, who the perpetrator is who the victim is. And, like I said, I don't think I've ever met a woman I didn't believe, but I'm thinking as a university like, do you think that that's why the universities, sort of, like, mistakenly try to replicate the justice system, not only from the punishment perspective, but from the like, what are we supposed to do if, you know, one person is saying it happened and the other person is saying it didn't, and now we have to choose who are we going to keep and they're like, I would assume they're equally worried about, like, what if I make the wrong decision on either side of those things? And so is there a way that I can almost like, you know, soft peddle, some in between solution, right, where I'm keeping them both, or I'm making them compromised so that I can avoid having to basically, like, pronounce who I think is telling the truth. Like, how do universities handle, you know, that aspect of it? Because that's kind of the part where it seems like they're trying to be the court system, where they're, like, looking for the evidence and trying to figure out what really happened. And I guess I'm wondering, like, does that have to be a step in order to serve a survivor? Or, like, how are universities handling that aspect of it? So I want to answer

    Nicole Bedera 13:37

    that two different ways, because I think that there are two different answers. I want to be clear from the beginning that there are a lot of things that survivors need that don't involve a perpetrator, that we don't need to adjudicate whether or not they're being truthful. We know the research is so clear that overwhelmingly they are, that when people make false allegations, researchers like me, we know what they look like. And one of the one of the things that people don't realize is that most false allegations do not name a perpetrator, and so for the most part, when a victim is coming forward about a specific person, that is a trustworthy claim, the big exception to that is when perpetrators who are facing accountability proceedings accuse their victim of violence, which is something that's been on the rise. Debt the herd is a really good example of this, but that too experts, which I think it's fair to say that our HR departments, our title nine offices, they should become experts on these issues. We can recognize these patterns. We know what they look like. And so in the case of these types of retaliatory complaints, it's that there is a victim who is speaking out first, and that the perpetrator is really trying to recast their self defense or things that they are doing, like speaking out in the first place as defamation, as violence, even though that's not the victim's goal. One of the things that we look for when we tell apart victims and perpetrators is is this person trying to get away from someone and maintain their autonomy, or are they looking to control? Someone and control what they're allowed to do. And sometimes, to an untrained eye, those things can look similar, but to a trained expert, they're very, very easy to tell apart. And so in a lot of scenarios, we should just believe victims and we should give them what they want. I think in the context of things like workplace accommodations, like something that really helps victims of stalking is to be able to be late to work sometimes, so if their stalker is outside their door, they don't have to walk past their stalker or else they'll lose their job. And that can actually make it harder for stalkers to stalk. If the victim is no longer going to be leaving there outside the front of their door at the same time every day, then they can't predictably be there to have an interaction with the victim, right? Something like that. I don't think we need to even adjudicate whether or not something happened. It's an easy thing to be more flexible. We should just be more flexible in cases where the perpetrator is involved, where we're asking for something like for the perpetrator to be removed from a specific place. My personal opinion, an expert opinion, is that we should err on the side of believing victims, that in this period where we're figuring out what happened, we should put protections in place. And those may need to be temporary for a period of time, but we already, you know, it's funny, we actually kind of already do this in the criminal justice system with things like protective orders. We there's a temporary period where the protection is so life saving and so crucial that we put it in place immediately and then revisit it later. And there are a lot of things that I think schools should be doing that way, and it's worth noting that they already do this for other disciplinary procedures. If a straight cisgender man punches a straight cisgender man on campus, they put that person on suspension until the case is over. That is the way a lot of schools already handle this. We're making an exception for sexual assault and treating it differently than other cases of violence on campus.

    KC Davis 16:48

    Well, I would imagine there's probably quite a bit of misogyny that goes with that, right, which is like, Well, women aren't as trustworthy, women are hysterical, women are vengeful, all these things. And I do think that, like when you say, you know, universities are trying to mimic the court system. They don't need to do that. I feel like your answer really illustrated that you have to deconstruct that on several levels, right? Like, your first point of like, it's not about like, it's not about the perpetrators on trial and the victim is the evidence, right? It is, there is a survivor that we are serving, and we need to think of it that way. But even deeper than that, when you were talking about how there are so many things that don't have anything to do with whether or not you are aren't doing anything with the perpetrator, like so many needs that you can meet. And then I think your third point of like there are things that you can do in the interim that err on the side of safety, and we should probably always err on the side of safety. And it seems like if Title Nine has made it legally a university's job to address these issues, then they are beholden to have experts, or to learn the expertise that you know in order to make those kind of decisions about, you know, what does it look like when someone reports, and how can we go about this in the safest way possible? Yeah,

    Nicole Bedera 18:17

    and I want to say too that underlying all of this is this myth that school administrators and the criminal justice system really want us to believe, which is that all cases of sexual assault or He Said, She Said, and that there's not enough evidence to be able to make a good decision. But one of the things that I was really surprised by during my year at a university, which is what the book is about, I spent a year observing these processes from the inside, interviewing the victims, the perpetrators and the school administrators. So I really got to see all sides of this issue. And one of the things I was most surprised by is how much evidence there actually is in a lot of these cases. It's the digital age. People are not just talking in person. There are text messages, there are emails in cases of sexual harassment, especially, you know, I did all this work before the pandemic, but I could imagine even more so in 2020 when a lot of classroom interactions were moving on to zooms that were being recorded, that you have all of these messages that are right there. There's no question about what happened a lot of the time. And I actually start the book with a case like that. So there was a case of a graduate student who she attended a networking event on campus, and the keynote speaker took a real interest in her somehow dug up her email address, she doesn't know how, and started offering to be her mentor. And over a course of text messages and emails, it escalated into sexual harassment and some actions that started to resemble stalking, that he was not leaving her alone. When she was saying she wanted to be left alone, there was some escalating threats and those sorts of language, and she was worried he was going to start showing up at her house and things like that. In this case, the title nine office sort of replied by saying, we can't possibly know what happened. We would need. Interview him, we would need to know his side of the story, but everything happened in text messages and emails, so there's actually no question about what happened. And I was surprised by how many cases look like that. Now, I think maybe there was some truth in the past that it was hard to find evidence in these cases, but that really isn't the case anymore, and even in cases where a victim and perpetrator went into one space alone, and that's where the violence took place, I was really stunned by how often the perpetrators narratives of what happened mimicked the victims, but they had been trying to convince investigators that what they did should just be considered okay and that it's not that bad. And this makes me think of research I did in the past where I interviewed young men about how they seek consent, and this phrase kept coming up, which was, well, it wasn't rape, it's just non consensual. And so what they would do when they were saying that something was just non consensual is they would come up with reasons that a victim deserved what happened to them. And so if we can cut through that victim blaming and say there is no scenario in which something non consensual is okay, there is no victim who deserves this, well then it's a lot easier to make the right decision. You know, one of the cases I talk about in a lot of depth in the book is one where I did interview everybody involved, and at the very beginning of both the victim and the perpetrator's statement, they both recognized that before the sexual assault occurred, the victim had clearly communicated she did not want to have sex, and the perpetrator agreed that they would not have sex, and yet that case still ended in what the school calls insufficient evidence, because They were looking for all of these complexities. And there's actually a term by another researcher named Jackie Cruz, who I work with very closely. She's very smart, but she calls that. That's what she calls it. She calls it orchestrating complexity, looking at cases that are clear, cut and straightforward, and trying to find reasons to justify inaction. Because it makes us feel guilty. It makes us feel like the bearer of bad news to be the one who says to a perpetrator, you know what, you have violated our Code of Conduct. You are not someone who is safe to be in this community, and we actually think you should leave people feel guilty about it, and a lot of the reason they feel guilty about it is because so many of us have been socialized our whole lives, that men are valuable, that men's space needs to be protected at all costs, and that we need to find a way to, you know, lead them in the right direction, as opposed to setting firm boundaries with them well. And I

    KC Davis 22:34

    wonder if that's connected to not only are we socialized to think all of that, but we're also, I think, historically, socialized to believe that sexual violence only happens from evil men, like it's only like conditioned to believe that sexual violence is so abhorrent that it only happens from an evil person. And so then you're looking at this person, and you're going, well, they don't seem evil. And you're looking at even some of those areas where you know we have this idea that rape is holding a woman down while she screams. And I just wonder how many people you know when you get in the position to have to navigate these you're in a position of leadership when you come across realizing that, like most of these cases, are not like that, and they're not ready to sort of look at the reality that like no like people that you might relate to do things like this. And I even wonder if part of it is like people in power needing to distance themselves from the idea that they could ever be capable of something like this, like it needs to be this crime that only people who are completely othered would ever do. And it's a little too close to comfort to realize, oh shit, this is a mistake I could have made right in college, right? Or maybe I have made well,

    Nicole Bedera 23:59

    and I want to shift the framing on that a little bit, because the research is pretty clear, people do not sexually assault people on accident. We've known that for 40 years that and it gets back to the same thinking that I talked about in my research before, that when men are confronted with things they've done that they know that they hurt somebody, they know it wasn't great behavior, they'll make these artificial distinctions of it's not rape, it's just non consensual. That's what that looks like, where somebody will say, I know I was hurting that person, but I thought I was allowed to do that.

    KC Davis 24:28

    And that's what I mean, is it's not that, like I thought rape was okay, and it's not that I thought what I was doing was okay. It's I knew what I was doing wasn't okay, but in my head, it wasn't rape, it was this other non okay thing that I could justify as not being the taboo thing that I should be punished for. So you shouldn't really punish me.

    Nicole Bedera 24:49

    That's exactly right, and that's where the white supremacy history comes into play, right? Because this idea of rape being something that comes from a stranger in the bushes is really a racialized. Class history intended to cut down on what was considered to be loitering by free black men. After the abolition of slavery, there was an idea of, if they're public, they're dangerous, but there was nowhere private for them to go. They didn't have private property because of slavery, right? And so that's where a lot of our modern ideologies about sexual violence and who its perpetrators are come from. It's this idea of black men, poor black men in particular, are who we think of as perpetrators of sexual assault, whereas wealthy white men who are doing the same thing to their spouses, to their children, well, we want to exempt that. And so that's where we get this distinction that a lot of us, we don't talk about it in a racialized way a lot of the time, but that distinction between stranger rape versus acquaintance rape, that's a way of saying, if we're the insiders, if we're the ones in position of power, if you know us, then it doesn't count. This is a way that we can treat women and children and transgender and non binary people as well, while also being able to hold this double standard for men of color in particular. And you see that dynamic on college campuses too. There's a real sense I heard this rhetoric around the stranger in the bushes or the creeper in the bushes from a lot of administrators saying that's what we thought all of sexual assault was, which, again, is a real indication that these administrators are not the experts they need to be, because that is sort of sexual violence, rape culture, 101 stuff is that stranger rape is really rare, and the most sexual violence happens between people who know each other. I learned that on my very first day in victim advocacy training, probably in the first 10 minutes, and I knew it before I got to that space too. And so it's a reflection of how little they know, but it's also their way of saying, you know, if somebody has the class privilege to be able to afford to be on our campus, they're not the kind of person we expect would commit sexual assault at all. And that really is the way they're thinking about it. Is anybody who has any kind of privilege, you know, that's the only kind of person that we admit. And so if they're here by default, we don't think that they could do something like this, and that's part of why school administrators feel so guilty. It is exactly what you're talking about. It's not what they expect it to look like. And I was really stunned by how many of them didn't expect that sexual violence was a real problem on college campuses at all. There's a lot of research. Well, there's a little research on this that when we do surveys of people who work in higher education, they don't think of campus sexual violence being a real issue despite all of the conversation in the media. And even if they think it happens at other schools, they think it doesn't happen at theirs. And so if that's the mindset of the person who's adjudicating a sexual assault, of course, their response is to be shocked and to have a hard time believing it. And that's a really big theme. And what I saw is just this disbelief of Wait, people really act like this here. If it were this bad and this violent, wouldn't I know? But it's just so normal that, no, we don't see it very clearly well. When

    KC Davis 27:52

    you said at the beginning of our conversation, you know, to be clear, these are things that could change tomorrow. Like, I think that when you know, as someone that really doesn't know a lot about the inner workings of how colleges are handling these cases, or what the data looks like of these cases. I know from my perspective. You know, if you ask me, like, what do you think the biggest barrier was? Like, I would say, I think it would be hard to try and figure out what's really going on and feeling this burden. Like, you don't want to unfairly punish someone, but you also don't want to ignore a victim. And what if you make a mistake this way? What do you make? And I think that that it seems like that's a myth, yeah, like that is not the barrier. Like, the barrier is not it's difficult for us to know what's going on. The barrier is truly things that could be changed if people just wanted them to change enough, and if people would get educated, and if college campuses would just, like, take five minutes to figure out the best evidence based way to approach this.

    Nicole Bedera 28:53

    I think that's exactly right, that, yeah, the problem isn't that we don't know what's going on. It's that we don't want it to be true, and that the perpetrators aren't the people that we hoped they would be. This is the way I feel about the metoo movement in general, and a lot of our conversations about sexual violence in society. Something I say to my students a lot is that everybody thinks sexual assault is wrong. Everybody thinks rape is wrong up until the perpetrator is someone they already know and love, and then there's a real hesitancy to support survivors. And I see this at my research with survivors all the time. If they do something like just tweet out me too, I've been sexually assaulted, they'll get support from everyone in their lives. But if they name a perpetrator, and the perpetrator is someone who is in their family or in their friend group, they will find themselves pushed out because people have a really hard time grappling with it, and people just they don't. A lot of people don't think that this is a good reason to stop being friends with somebody. A lot of people just don't think that sexual assault is a good reason for someone to be expelled from school. And I think that's our biggest challenge, is making the really strong case that it actually is a very good. Reason to end your friendship with somebody if they've committed a sexual assault, especially if you are friends with the survivor too, and if the survivor can't be safe and can't spend time around you, if every time you have a birthday party, you're inviting their rapist, you can't really be surprised that then they're the one who's gonna end up leaving their social situation. And that's one of the things that we're increasingly finding as sexual violence researchers, is that how sexually or how traumatic sexual assault is isn't determined by the physical violence itself. The thing that determines how traumatic sexual assault is is how the victim is treated once it's over, and a lot of victims their entire life unravels because everyone in their lives is focusing on being fair to the perpetrator. And I put fair and big air quotes there, because saying you can't be friends with me is a pretty fair boundary to set. There's this real there's this myth that when somebody is accused of sexual assault, it will ruin their lives, and that everyone in society will shun them and turn away from them. They'll lose out on every opportunity. Researchers actually find it's the opposite, that being accused of sexual assault confers benefits on perpetrators, that everybody is sort of thinking the same way, thinking everybody else is going to take the side of the victim, so I'm going to be the one person who takes the side of the perpetrator, but everybody is thinking that everybody is protecting the perpetrator, and before long, it's the victim who's the one who disappears. One of the studies that, you know, I can never unread it, and I'm glad I read it, but I hope other people feel the same way, because it feels like something that's fundamentally unfair. There's this study where they it's called an audit study. So what they do is they create these fake resumes that are identical, except for a couple of different you know, the name will be different, and then a couple of different details, and they will show them to participants and say, Would you hire this person? How much money do you think they deserve? And in this case, the detail that was different was that one person had been accused of sexual harassment in their last job, and the other person had been the victim of sexual harassment in their last job, and participants overwhelmingly preferred to hire the perpetrator and to pay them more money. And so that is actually the normative view in our society, is that we really do side with perpetrators, thinking that we are giving them a second chance. And I just want to be clear that, because that's such a norm in our society, perpetrators really change their behavior. They have no incentive to do so. They have a lot of people giving them credit for something they haven't done, and it's really, really important that we do hold them accountable in meaningful ways. And I say this not just from a moral perspective if it feels like the right thing to do, but also from a pragmatic perspective. One of the things that we also know in the research is that the places that are safe where sexual violence doesn't occur are just places where it isn't tolerated, and one of the reasons that that happens is because most perpetrators of sexual violence are looking to impress other men. Most perpetrators are men, and they're looking to impress other men. So if they're in a place where, when they sexually harass someone, a co worker says, You know what? That's funny. I think that's hilarious. I want to work with you on more projects. I want to promote you. Then, of course, that's going to quickly turn into an environment where a lot of sexual harassment is happening, and that is the main reason that men commit these acts is to bond with other men. The Kavanaugh case is a really clear example of this, where we haven't heard of many stories, not to say they don't exist, but we haven't heard of many stories of Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulting women privately. We hear stories of him doing it publicly to entertain other men who are laughing. And so when we instead of giving benefits to perpetrators, when we instead say, that's the kind of person I'm not inviting back to this party, that's the thing that creates safe places. And one of the things we see in the research is that a lot of men will stop perpetrating if they know there will be negative consequences, instead of positive ones, because they feel kind of ambivalent about the violence itself. So

    KC Davis 34:06

    you know, even if you are someone who is worried about or thinks it's important to give second chances, what I hear you saying is the best way to give someone a second chance, the best way to give someone the opportunity to change and grow is to have zero tolerance. Yeah,

    Nicole Bedera 34:24

    I say this a lot to people who, again, coming from a very well intentioned, well meaning place, they find out that a friend of theirs has committed sexual assault, and they say, but if they don't have support, how will they ever change? One of the things I say most often is, well, you were in their life when they committed this act of sexual violence, and so the presumption that you're the right person to push them in that direction, you know, it's a big assumption. Are you maybe somebody who tolerated their violence? Are you somebody who, you know, if you keep them around, are you sending them the message that this is an okay thing to do and this isn't a deal breaker for you? I. And we don't have a lot of studies on what happens to individual perpetrators when they face boundaries, in part because it's so rare, it's hard to study. You would be really hard pressed to find a group of men who committed acts of sexual violence and did not benefit from that violence. So it's an open question, but I do think it's worth trying. I do think that the research we have so far around organizations that are safe would tell us that if a perpetrator going back to the college campus, example, if they're expelled and they have to go to another school, at least, they have to make new friends when they get there. And because of the way a lot of our campus organizations work, they might make really different friends. You know, it can be difficult to rush a fraternity as a junior. It can be difficult to join an athletic team as a senior, if you've already completed so much of your education. And so we know that the perpetrators on college campuses, they're really concentrated in a few places that they are overwhelmingly places that are very masculine or male, only that they are competitive and that they're hierarchical. So places like you know exactly where I was talking about before fraternities, where you have a hierarchy within them, and the rushing process is competitive. Football teams where there's a captain, there's a hierarchy of which string are you on. But also places like the marching band have pretty high rates of sexual violence perpetration too, even there, where you have individual sections being male dominated, and there's a hierarchy of first chair to whatever it's chair. So knowing that a lot of these organizations, because they are so hierarchical, you have to start at the bottom and move up, having a perpetrator start in the middle often means they have to go somewhere without that kind of hierarchy, and they might make different kinds of relationships that might be safer for them. The best predictor of whether or not a man will be violent is whether or not he is friends with men who are misogynistic and so disrupting those friend groups is a pretty good idea. Actually, it is a good way to potentially give somebody a second chance, which

    KC Davis 37:08

    I do think you know, back to your conversation about punishments and consequences, I think that is exactly those two things to marry together. I think are exactly how we should be thinking about things like dispelling fraternities. You know, there's been lots of cases where, you know, a survivor comes forward and says, you know, this happened at a fraternity house or at a fraternity party, and the college has disbanded the fraternity or kicked them off campus for however many years until basically nobody who's involved in that fraternity would be around when they were allowed back on campus. And you know, you hear kind of that side of, well, what about people that didn't do anything, and what about it's important for how men need to bond, and they need the support or whatever. And but I think going back to what you just said, which is, like, disrupting those social groups is the most beneficial thing you can do for the survivors, for the community at large. And it sounds like even for people who are in that social group to prevent them from perpetrating or from kind of going in that direction. And I think when we think about consequences versus punishment, that I think that's another helpful way, because when we talk about punishment, we have this big thing about like, Well, you shouldn't be punished if you're not the perpetrator. But consequences are different. You can suffer a consequence of someone else's actions. Victims

    Nicole Bedera 38:28

    do it all the time, and we're really comfortable putting that on victims

    KC Davis 38:32

    exactly like if you're participating in a in a group, in a culture, then yeah, you might suffer the consequences of the perpetrator being from that group or that culture. And again, like disbanding those groups, not as a punishment, but as a like a risk, honestly, like a restorative, a restoration of community of like, the best thing we can do, because we know that there is some toxicity being bred here, is to disrupt it

    Nicole Bedera 39:01

    exactly. And you know, another thing that is sort of lurking in the background of this conversation is when we talk about something like disbanding a fraternity, we don't usually talk about all of the other opportunities for connection that will open up for its members. We think about it as you know, if you're expelled from this one university, then that is the end of your education. But it's not one of the things that I think is a strength of the work that I did is I got to interview the perpetrators too, including, you know, the one perpetrator who was expelled that year. And this is just a fact, I like to sneak into as many interviews as possible, but people are really concerned that the campus sexual violence proceedings are unfair to perpetrators, but your average university expels one perpetrator every three years. It's actually really, really rare for them to hold a perpetrator accountable in any meaningful way. When they do hold perpetrators accountable, still, the most common way they do that is by deferring sanctioning until after graduation and by. Saying you will be suspended, but only after you graduate, which is a non sanction, right? It's which is nothing. It's nothing, and it offers the victim nothing. Because often what happens in those cases is it's not safe for the victim to be on campus, so the victim takes a leave of absence, and the victim is the one who acted as if they had been suspended for two or three or however many years. And so that's sort of the reality of things right now. But to get back to what I was originally saying on this point, which is that there's this idea that when somebody is expelled, which again, is really, really rare, that this is the end of the road for them, that they will never get into another school. That wasn't true, that is not true, the perpetrators just go somewhere else. And that's upsetting in its own way, that the perpetrators just go somewhere else, and that there's no sort of the stigma that we think will be there for perpetrators of violence doesn't exist, and that schools aren't thinking about the safety of other students that schools really do. They don't hesitate to bring these men back onto campus. They often think they do a lot of victim blaming. They'll say, Oh, well, the particular victim who led them to violence, who made them act violently, they won't be here, so they'll be safe in this space, which is victim blaming. And it's not true. The one perpetrator who was removed school that I studied, he'd been removed from at least one other university before that, and so the idea that he would go somewhere else and be safe somewhere else. That was certainly not true. But all this being said when

    KC Davis 41:23

    we see this in other places too, like you see the police officers get fired and just go get hired by another, you know, police department. You see doctors who get lose a license, move to a different state, and

    Nicole Bedera 41:34

    part of the reason for that is because we don't have a lot of schools that have different social norms, and so they go into a school that kind of acts the exact same way. They fall in with similar people. So a big part of this whole thing I'm thinking of working is that we have to have schools that are committed to safety and to holding a different standard of their students. And that's a big part of making this type of change, too, on the prevention side. But the thing that I find kind of freeing about this reality, because we know what's horrible about it, but the thing that's kind of freeing about it is I don't think we have to worry too much about what happens to the perpetrator. Will their life be ruined? Because overwhelmingly, they're welcomed with opened arms wherever else they go. And so we really can think from an abundance mindset, when we say we're going to disband this fraternity, well, those men will be able to find other friends. They'll be able to find other social groups. The whole world is huge, and I think this is most visible when we talk about a really common thing that victims want. Actually, the most common thing that victims want in studies is to never see their perpetrator again, to never be in the same place as them again. And people will get really caught up in thinking That's so unfair, because what if the perpetrator wants to be where the victim is? And my response to that, after conducting this study, is they can be literally anywhere else in the world. If we're saying they can't be in the place where the victim is, that is one place at any given time that they can't go. And so we're getting really fixated on this one place when the whole rest of the world is still open to them and they are okay. And I think it helps us a lot to remember to be accurate about that and to stay grounded in reality, that when we hold a perpetrator accountable, we tend to feel guilty thinking, What if everybody else does what I do? But that's not the world we're living in. The world we're living in where this is maybe the only place they're going to be held accountable, and the rest of the world is open to them. So don't think about that. Think about the part that's only in your control, and the part that's in your control is things like creating a safe place for survivors so that they can stay instead of the perpetrator being the one to push them out.

    KC Davis 43:38

    Well, and the idea that college campuses are privileged people's first introduction to how the world is going to treat them is obviously very powerful when you think about a survivor, but when you think about a perpetrator, and I mean, is there some, you know, degree of men that probably are straight up sociopathic evil, like the kind of sure, but I think the majority of cases, it actually is kind of hopeful. That's not the majority of cases, because what that means is it's not about creating a society that has this really specific mode of identifying and punishing and segregating. And you know, what do we do about this? But it is the case that we might actually be able to prevent people from becoming perpetrators, if we get them at this developmental time in life where the institutions have no tolerance for it. How many of these men go on to be serial perpetrators, as you said, because the first time it happened, they're fine, and the men around them like it, and there is no fallout. And it's like, well, sweet, I like this experience. I can continue to do this right. Like, and how many times have we heard of cases where. But you couldn't find that person's first perpetration in their early adulthood. And to me, that's kind of hopeful, as if you are someone who wants to think from a restorative justice standpoint of like, this isn't like we could prevent this,

    Nicole Bedera 45:16

    right? And it makes me hopeful for that reason, for sure that taking a sociological perspective, because that's what I am. I'm a sociologist, one of the reasons I was drawn to thinking about violence sociologically is it feels like a losing battle if our form of sexual assault prevention is trying to change the hearts and minds of individual rapists who are getting benefited from committing violence and who are in positions of power in our society. Again, thinking about Brett Kavanaugh as an example, there is no world in which I over here on my little spot, am I going to be influencing the way he thinks and the way he acts? He's so powerful in this society. And that's, I think, one of the realities we don't think about very much when it comes to sexual violence. We tend to think about it when people are young, because that's when perpetrators tend to be sexually assaulting people who they are not married to. But when we think about sort of the next phase of violence as something that happens privately, in the home or in workplaces, where there's such a big power imbalance, people can't come forward, you know, it is really important to think about catching people early and teaching them that this is not an appropriate way to behave, and thinking about it sociologically, it just feels a lot more doable to me than having like a new round of potential perpetrators come up and going to them one by one and saying, We know that you'll be rewarded if you do this, but we hope you won't. Please don't. It just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. But the other thing that I find really helpful about all of this, and that makes me feel very grounded, is that a lot of the time, people throw their hands in the air and get overwhelmed after violence has happened, and they say when they feel backed into a corner where they don't know what to do, what they'll eventually say is it would be better if we prevented it altogether. It's too late to help this victim. There are no good outcomes. And one of the things I like about this way of thinking about it is we never reach that place. We never reach that place where it's too late, because there's recognition that how damaging the sexual assault is is still up in the air for the victim, and that we can actually make violence less traumatic for victims if we give them support and inclusion and we try to keep their life from unraveling. And so for me, that feels helpful because it gives us an agenda like gives us a clear directive about what to do. And so we're not just coming up with what do we think is the right response that feels punitive enough or harsh enough against perpetrators, but instead, we're letting our response be guided by what will give a tangible benefit to the victim, what will make this better, and that, to me, also feels more hopeful. So we have the hopefulness around the prevention of perpetration, but also the hopefulness around restoring access to society for victims, making sexual assault less damaging, retaining women in places where currently we are hemorrhaging women. And there's one study that finds that one of the best predictors of whether or not a woman will complete a major in a STEM degree is whether or not they have a sexual violence history, and that it kind of makes sense when you think about all the stress structures that are involved that a lot of our STEM degrees in college, they include weed out classes, and if you were sexually assaulted the same semester you take organic chemistry and the perpetrator is in your class, then, yeah, there's a good chance you're going to fail that class, and there's a good chance that you're going to have to change your Major, and you're going to probably have to go into a major that's more female dominated, because those majors tend to be more flexible and more understanding about the types of things you're going through, whereas all the other majors that mostly cater to men just aren't really thinking about what survivors need. You know, you start to see very quickly how when this violence is happening with adolescent women, queer and trans people, that it leads to a lot of other segregation in society too. And that gives me a lot of hope as well. To say, Wow, if we could fix this one thing, if we could move in this one direction, the ripple effects might be a lot bigger than we think.

    KC Davis 49:17

    Yeah. And I think to your point, that just because the assault has already occurred doesn't mean you've missed the window of prevention, because preventing Fallout, preventing the post traumatic issues like you still. We're still in the world of prevention, with still so much that we can do,

    Nicole Bedera 49:38

    and we actually know a lot about what to do. We know a lot about what survivors need in the aftermath of violence. They need agency because sexual violence, it's not traumatic because it causes physical injury. Most of the time it doesn't the reason it's traumatic is because there's a loss of bodily autonomy, and that is inherently one of the most traumatic things. We can experience. And so part of how we heal it is giving survivors power back, respecting their agency, respecting the things they say they need. And so part of why survivors are traumatized by sexual assault in its aftermath is because when they go to their friends and say, I really need you to not invite my perpetrator to your birthday party, because I want to go and the thing they hear back is, well, I'm going to prioritize that person ahead of you. That's again, denying that agency. It's denying their assertion of what they need to be okay. And so we know that that kind of stuff makes a huge difference, and that the more that we create stability in survivors lives, the more that we tell them that they're valuable, that they are valued members of our society, and that we will put them first, the better they do. And it's something you can see really clearly in this college context, especially when students are trying to report there's this academic concept that's so useful, created by Jennifer fried, called institutional betrayal. And institutional betrayal is defined as actions or inactions taken by an institution that exacerbate trauma. And there's a list, and I have the list in the book. If you want to see the whole list, it's in the book, but there's a list of the things that we know exacerbate survivors trauma when we respond that way, and they are things like mishandling a reporting process, responding in ways that make sexual violence seem more likely in the future, responding in ways that tell the victim that they are not valuable, or they're not as valuable as another person, very commonly, their perpetrator. And the thing about institutional betrayal is it's not that it's just a bad thing or that exacerbates trauma a little bit. We actually find in the research that when victims experience these types of reactions, it exacerbates their trauma at the same severity as the violence itself. So another way of putting this is that survivors who experience institutional betrayal look the same on surveys as someone who was sexually assaulted twice in a very short period of time. And so when we're talking about how much we can take these burdens off of survivors, it's really significant. We're talking about reducing the trauma by half, or more than half. That's a huge thing to be able to make, just make it easier for somebody who's experienced sexual violence, to be able to show up the way they want in their lives, to be able to fully participate in our society. And again, that makes me really hopeful, because that's something we can do. We don't have to be going to perpetrators and trying to get convince them to do something different. We can just make their violence less damaging on our own without trying to involve them at all. And I say that not because I think it should be our job, but because I'm realistic about who is most committed to this work. I know that we are the ones who are most committed to this work, and so it feels nice when we can do it without needing the permission of the people who are causing harm. Well, Nicole,

    KC Davis 52:53

    this has been such a great conversation. I feel like I just took like a master class in such a difference in what I knew before this hour and what I know now. If you guys want to check out the book again, it's called on the wrong side, how universities protect perpetrators and betray survivors of sexual violence. Nicole, where can we find you if we wanted to do you have a website? Do you have kind of ways to follow your journey and your work?

    Nicole Bedera 53:18

    I do. I have a website. It's just my name. Nicole badera.com, I'm also on Twitter and trying out blue sky. I'm really, really trying this time, because I don't know how much longer I can stomach Twitter. But the other thing that I just want to plug here is that if you are someone who this all sounds really good to you, and you're involved in an organization that's trying to end violence within it, no matter what type of organization it is, we know all types of organizations have violence within them. The other place you can find me is I just founded a consulting group called Beyond Compliance consulting. We're very selective with our clients. We like to work with people who don't just want to meet the bare legal minimums for helping survivors and addressing sexual violence and gender discrimination. We work specifically with people who want to end it, and that is their goal. And so if you want to meet us for that, we'd love that too, and we're just beyond compliance consulting. Awesome. Well, thank

    KC Davis 54:06

    you again.

    Nicole Bedera 54:07

    Thank you for having me. You.

Christy Haussler
121: What if Children Designed Cities? with Mara Mintzer

What if our cities were designed with children participating in the process? What they would prioritize might surprise us all! My guest, Mara Mintzer, did a TEDx talk on the topic of including children in the city planning process, and she’s been involved in this kind of unique child-friendly endeavor in Boulder, Colorado, as the co-founder and Executive Director of Growing Up Boulder. Join us as we take a look at this topic!

Show Highlights:

  • Mara’s background and current role in Boulder, CO

  • Public spaces aren’t often designed for children (and mothers).

  • The United Nations guidelines for human rights for those under 18 years of age

  • Wisdom from the tiniest voices about slowing down, enjoying the world around us, and noticing our experiences on life’s journey

  • The Nature Everywhere Initiative in cities across the US

  • Are we supporting kids’ development with our public spaces?

  • The value in having culturally relevant third spaces for kids

  • What would a teen-friendly park look like?

  • Hearing the voices of many diverse groups that have been traditionally excluded

  • Feedback from people about what they want in their communities

  • Promoting involvement from kids to understand their issues and craft workable solutions

  • A few unexpected things that kids want in their spaces

  • The dilemma for parents in kid-friendly restaurants with “adult food” AND “kid food”

  • More relaxed parenting in other countries and better work-life balance

Resources and Links:

Connect with Mara Mintzer: Growing Up Boulder

Mentioned in this episode: The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today we're going to talk about designing cities with children in mind, but not just about designing them with children in mind, but actually designing them with children participating in the process of design. I'm here with Mara Mintzer, and I just recently watched her TED talk about this idea of including children in the design of cities. And Merrick, tell me who you are, and then let's talk about this, because you have actually done this in Boulder involved children in the planning process. So tell me a little bit of your background, absolutely.

    Mara Mintzer 0:41

    And I'll tell you my background, and I'll also say that when I first heard about child friendly cities, I also thought it was designing cities that would support young people, it didn't occur to me that it was with them. So I even had a learning curve. But My name is Mara Mintzer, and I am a co founder and executive director of growing up Boulder, we are now a nonprofit program. We were originally based at the University of Colorado, Boulder, and what we do is we elevate the voices of young people to make our communities more equitable and sustainable for everybody. For my career, I have been running programs for and with underserved young people. They are caregivers and parents for many years, both in New York City and in California, before I moved to Colorado. And when I moved to Colorado, I did some networking, and I heard this idea of child friendly cities, which I'd never heard of before. And I said, this has my name written all over it. I want to be a part of that. The

    KC Davis 1:39

    reason why this topic is so interesting to me is I had this experience probably about a year ago. My daughter was attending a preschool at the time, and I had gone to some parent involved thing, and she had to go the bathroom. So I went into the bathroom with her, and I noticed that all the sinks were really low and all of the little potties were really low, because it was like a preschool. And I was like, That's so clever. Of course, they would do that in the preschool. And I watched her independently go to the bathroom and wash her hands and get paper towels and do this whole routine that I didn't even know she could do independently. Because every time we go somewhere, I have to help her with it. I have to physically pick her up. You know, she gets water all over her clothes because she can't reach the sink. And after that, I started noticing all the places that we went. And it never occurred to me before that even the places that were made for children didn't have these features. Like, we were at the Children's Museum, we were at the zoo, we were at, you know, public parks with playgrounds. But I started noticing like, huh, isn't it interesting that even when they make something for children, designing for children in mind, doesn't reach the bathroom. And so that kind of opened me up to this thinking about how we don't really design public spaces to be hospitable for children, and in turn, they're not hospitable for mothers and parents. And when I talk about this on the internet, you know, you get this huge surge of parents kind of agreeing with me, but then you get this, like, kind of minority but vocal section of adults that are like, well, I don't want to have to look at children. And it's just an interesting you know, children really are a marginalized group, and I think it's so interesting that your approach is including them. So how did that even come about? Because that would not occur to me, I'm sad to say,

    Mara Mintzer 3:31

    Yeah, well, I mean, and you know, children are, and have always been, and will always be, a part of our society, and some societies are much more open to just having kids integrated and everything. So for instance, when I lived in Argentina, kids would come out to dinner, they would participate. There weren't adult and Kid activities. And so part of it is a mind shift of like there being kid things and adult things, when, in fact, that's really an artificial boundary that I think we create, but yeah, so the way I first learned about this concept was I met this professor, Willem von fleet, in at the University of Colorado, Boulder, and he had founded this children youth and Environment Center. And he explained that there were these child friendly city initiatives around the world. And if you take a step back, and this is going to get a little intellectual, but I think it's actually really important for us to know. So the United Nations has this treaty that's been signed by all the countries in the United Nations, except for the United States, but this treaty has been signed that says there are certain human rights that we need to respect for anyone under the age of 18, and they're different, like some are the same, but some are different from the human rights we think about for adults, like, for instance, the right to schooling, the right to assemble with your friends. You know, things that are not a given everywhere and all these cities work with UNICEF to create these child for. Family cities, and a way to do this is with the young people themselves. That's a key part, is youth participation and child participation. And I actually hadn't specifically done that before, but when we started this program in Boulder, it turns out there are so many ways we can be including young people, and we often think of only teens as being able to be included, but we've worked with preschool kids. Like, one of my favorite stories that always makes people chuckle is we wanted to hear from preschoolers about the transportation master plan for our city so that, like, why go to preschool or care about that? But what we wanted to understand is like, how do they get around, and what do they need to get around safely? And so we put GoPros on their heads, and the preschool classes went out with their teachers, and the teachers are Reggio Emilia trained teachers, which means that they take careful notes and observations of the children. And what we learned from those videos and the notes from the teachers is that the kids felt really unsafe trying to cross the street, even where there was a crosswalk, the cars were just going too fast and they weren't seeing the kids. And so that leads us to think about, well, what are some interventions we can do for areas where there are high levels of children to really slow down traffic and really make it safer to cross the road. And we learned that from, you know, two to four year olds. So it's really, it's eye opening, and it's so beautiful. Yeah,

    KC Davis 6:30

    I was going to ask, you know, along those lines, like, what were some of the things? Because I know in your talk, you talk about a park and including all these different ages in how this park was going to get redesigned. And I loved the comment you made about noticing that toddlers wanted to stop and look at the leaves in the ditch. And I'm just curious from those littlest voices, like, what were some things that surprised you? Because I think as adults, we think, Oh, they're going to really love the slide. They're going to really love this, like, the features that we think they're really going to love, and it's not like they don't love slides, but what were some of the things that were kind of aha moments for you from some of those littlest voices?

    Mara Mintzer 7:08

    Yeah, definitely the slowing down. Like I always say that toddlers are our Zen masters, if we will listen, they force you to slow down and just again, think about that journey. And what are you seeing on that journey, and what are you experiencing? You know, kids bodies. They kids breathe more quickly than adults do, and so they're actually taking in more of the air around us, and so air pollution is much more concentrated for them. So just thinking about like, if they're having tons of cars come by and there's no green barrier between the little kids and the road, they're inhaling all of that. And not only is it not good for them, but it's really unpleasant and much less joyful. But what if we create those green barriers between the sidewalk and the road, and then even have cycling there too, so you're even farther from the cars? Those sorts of things came from, you know, there's research about it, but also just the observations. They also taught us to kind of look for the really interesting things along the way. We were doing a walking field trip with a group of second grade English language learner students, and they noticed things that we adults never would have noticed there were little dinosaurs, like plastic dinosaurs hidden under a giant pine tree that we didn't notice, but they found right away because they were closer to the ground. And so when we designed a little walking route that was child friendly, it had all these joyful elements that we adults had completely missed, and it was just delightful.

    KC Davis 8:46

    I love that. I also love it because I think that the idea of remodeling a park or turning a green space into, you know, a park, it seems like it would be a very expensive endeavor, and I'm sure it is, but it also seems like our heads go right to, okay, we need play structures that you know are probably going to be very expensive, and we need, you know, very manicured spaces, and we think about having to kind of, like, equip the space. And it sounds like, you know, these kids are more interested in just an opportunity to be where they are

    Mara Mintzer 9:23

    absolutely and I am so lucky because I am working with an amazing team of parks planners at the City of Boulder right now, and we have a pretty unified vision of bringing well. And it's also with the National League of Cities, and it's called the nature everywhere initiative that the National League of Cities there children cities, connecting children to Nature Network is rolling out in different cities. But what we are doing is we are looking to include nature play and nature experiences and nature learning all over the city. And to get to your point, Casey. Right? It doesn't have to be that expensive. For instance, one area that we were looking at right now, there's something that's kind of falling apart. It was a first attempt at nature play well, what we figured out is, if we put just like a very loose fence around that area, and then ask the parks department, you know, don't mow the grass inside, right? They won't mind that, because it's less area to mow, let's let the grass go really tall and wild. We'll put in a few nature plate elements just to update them and make sure they are really safe. And then we're also going to put in things that allows kids who might be using a wheelchair to access the spaces as well, so that there are multiple ways for multiple kids to engage. This will likely not be very expensive. It's much cheaper than buying ready made, plastic and metal pieces, and it can hold children's attention for so much longer because it's free play. It's imaginative, and this is what we need more of. Yeah,

    KC Davis 10:56

    you know, when I had the first place that we lived, when we moved here in Houston, there was a park near us that was, you know, obviously everything here is, like wooded before you bulldoze it down. But instead of leveling all the trees, and like building this really manicured Park, they had just gone through and bulldozed a path through the trees. And that was literally the only thing in this park, and it was my kids favorite park. And it had me reflecting on, gosh, we do so much for the average park where we have to put in, we make it like a lawn, right? Like a Suburban Lawn, like grass that has to be watered and, you know, maybe some play equipment, and this, that and the other. And here was this spot of land, and I think, you know, they had even sort of named a nature reserves that nobody could bulldoze it down, but it literally had nothing else in it. And not only did my kids like it better, but it was also just more family friendly. First of all, we're in Houston, there was shade. You could go when it was windy, you could go when it was hot, you could even go if it was sprinkling a little bit. And they just never ran out of things to do. And they eventually added a few things here and there about, I think there was, like, a QR code that you could scan to hear about, like, what kinds of birds typically were there. That was one of the points for me that really got me thinking about looking at the spaces that I was visiting with my kids. And I think it's interesting we think about that section of the population that's like, well, I don't like sharing a space with kids, and I think a big part of that is just being a curmudgeon, right? But another part of it is when you have to force kids to be in a space that does not accommodate them, they are going to act and behave in ways that are not going to be, you know, like they're going to be more disruptive, they're going to be more energetic, they're going to be more frustrating and impatient. It's like, that's not just, oh, I don't like kids. That's there's not a way for a child to be in a restaurant where anyone's thinking about their needs. And so do you not like kids, or do you not like how we've designed these spaces to exclude children? That's

    Mara Mintzer 13:05

    exactly right. And in fact, an example of that is right. So some cities, over time, have used these really high pitched noise makers that only teenagers can hear. We can't hear them, and it tries to stop teenagers from loitering. And it's often in front of, like a store, it's some area that they feel like the kids are engaging in anti social behavior. But I like to turn that around and think, what aren't we offering to our young people as ways that are supportive of their development? So you know, a lot of the behaviors, I think, that we find annoying, as you said are just we're not creating those outlets, that space for them to do what they're supposed to do. And so what is a teenager supposed to do? They're supposed to be social. They're hanging out with their peers. They like to see and be seen just a little bit and be up a little bit higher and watch everything. If we build those spaces, they also want thrill seeking, right? Like, thrill seeking is a part of that age. That's why younger people are sort of more prone to fights or those other pieces. They do have this piece of them that needs an outlet. But like, what if we design spaces that allow that thrill seeking, that adrenaline rush, in a pro social way, and that teens have helped create, that they're then going to go to. Can you imagine what a decline there would be in, you know, graffiti, where we don't want it, and just behaviors that as a society, we've said we do not want, and it's because we're not creating those opportunities for them

    KC Davis 14:35

    well. And you know, you hear people complaining about, oh, these, you know, kids going into Sephora, and they're too young, and they're into tumblers, and it's, I think there's a big thing about this to talk about when we talk about the absence of third places for adults, but I find that as I've grown it's the absence of third places for teenagers that I think are hit hardest, because, like, when I was growing up, we had malls. Yeah. Even if you didn't have money to buy things, like you would go to the mall, and your friends would be the mall, and there'd be a safe place to walk around. There would be things to look at, there would be things to you know, a couple of things that you could do. And like, malls are dying, right? And think about it like you try to loiter in in front of a store in the way we used to loiter in the mall, and, like you said, they're turning on high pitch noises to get you to leave and then, and I still remember, even with parks, you know, when we would go to parks as teenagers, there was always kind of this side eye of like, this is for little children. You must be doing nefarious things here, and that's kind of where you get this, okay, we're all driving around aimlessly looking for, I guess, someone's house to go, whose parents aren't home. And the very few places, you know, where there was maybe a skate park or something, where that was a little more oriented to teenagers, even when I was a teenager, those were hard to find. And it does make you sort of reflect on, you know, when we find ourselves frustrated by the way teenagers or children behave. It's like some of that we just need to get over, because we've all been children, right? It's important for them to go through those phases. But how much of that are we creating by not treating them like full citizens that have the right to gather and have places to go and just exist. Because, you know, I think I would want my kids socializing in public, instead of driving in them into these private nooks and crannies that they're finding where nobody's watching, nobody's around,

    Mara Mintzer 16:38

    completely and and, you know, the other thing is, when we think about spaces having culturally relevant third spaces, so one of my colleagues here in Boulder, I just love his vision, but he has this vision for a youth center where it would be created by a variety of nonprofits. So it's not just one nonprofit, but it's a space where there's a place for performances, there's a place for art making, there's a place for group work. There's a place for individual like therapy or coaching. It's staffed by people from the community, for the community, and also it's celebrating these amazing cultures that we're lucky to have in our communities, instead of sort of only showing one version of what a culture and age is supposed to look like. Can you imagine if you're being seen like that and having these spaces where there are other adults that you can work with or be mentored by? I think that would just make such a difference to every teen. What were

    KC Davis 17:39

    some of the insights that the teenagers had that surprised you about like, what they how they experience spaces?

    Mara Mintzer 17:49

    Yeah, well, it shouldn't have surprised me, but it similar to what you were saying. We did this project on what would a teen friendly Park look like, and it came out of one of my colleagues when her son was about 10 or 11, he started getting yelled at by the mothers on the playground, being like, get off the equipment. You know, you're too old to be here. You're scaring our little kids. And he said, like, where am I supposed to go? What am I still want to play? And actually, I see this in our middle schools all of the time, and it's heartbreaking. And I actually remember experiencing this. So our kids go from being in elementary school, we get recessed once or twice a day, and there's stuff to play with, and you have free time, and suddenly in middle school, there's nothing to play on. And it turns out that developmentally, they still want to play. They really do and so, but it's this sadness of like everything kind of closes down for these middle school aged kids. And so it was a reminder to me of that need to play. Still, I didn't know that that was normal and part of development, and when I experienced it myself, I was kind of ashamed of like, Oh, I'm 11. I'm not supposed to play. Actually, you are. And so like, we need to bring that back out into the open. We need to give our kids more free time to be able to play and meet without adults hovering over them and choosing all their activities for them and just being unstructured. And that really goes across the ages. And Jonathan heights new book The anxious generation, which I'm sure many of your listeners, and maybe you have read it was, it was heartbreaking and it was exciting, because when I read it, I said every single thing he's talking about in this book is what growing up older my nonprofit does. We have been addressing this for 15 years, and now people are starting to understand why it matters. And before we would talk about it, and people didn't really understand it, but now they're really getting it, and so I think there's an opportunity right now to change things. Yeah, I

    KC Davis 19:46

    hadn't even really thought about this until now, but I mean, when I think back to middle school, when we had recess, it was like, post like, right after lunch, they did just send us out to the football field, like we weren't going to the. Playground anymore. We were going to the football field, where we were either sitting on the bleachers talking, maybe some boys were running around, and we might have had, like, Foursquare, like, maybe a few balls, but it's interesting, right? Because you're right, we didn't stop playing. We would go home and play. You know, you still invite your friends over and play mermaids in the pool, but you just there really aren't those spaces for those kinds of kids. I thought it was interesting. One of the things that you mentioned in your TED talk that you got from the kids is separating the walking paths and the biking paths. My husband always gripes about the people that like to bike in our neighborhood because it slows down traffic so much. And he asked me one time, like, why don't they bike on the sidewalk? And I was like, well, interesting fact that I just happen to know that bikes are more dangerous to pedestrians than cars are to bikes, which is why bikes legally are supposed to be riding on the road. But in a lot of our parks around here, we have these big, wide concrete kind of like trails, for lack of a better term, and you are allowed to bike on them. But as someone who now has kids who like to walk and sometimes run, you can't really take children on a path that has bikes on them, and so I thought it was so interesting to hear them talk about wanting to separate, you know, where people were riding and where people were walking. But even so, you know, okay, bikes are supposed to be on the road. What about children? My children know how to ride bikes now, and I don't want them to ride in the road. Where do I take them to ride bicycles and things like that. And I just think this is such an interesting concept, because as much, and you know, you what I love that you say at the end of your TED talk is that, you know, this is just the beginning, and when we learn to listen to children, it has a broader implication to listening to people of color, to listening to people who are indigenous, to the space, to listening to people who are disabled, that it's not just about children, it's about including those voices who previously haven't been included. And I love that phrase, you know, nothing about us, without us, and it just really got me thinking about how we don't consider children marginalized, and how the marginalization of children is so connected to even the marginalization of women and mothers still. But I'd love to hear from you also like, how have you seen that ripple effect, like when you center children, how has that rippled in the community, or even in the design to better listening to all kinds of voices.

    Mara Mintzer 22:21

    What we often see is that the same approaches, the same techniques we use for listening to kids, work really well for listening to groups that have been excluded in the past. So I'll just give you an example, and I learned this somewhat through trial and error. At one point earlier on in growing up boulders history, we tried to create a youth group, and we would have the kids come to us, and we were going to create all these things together. And I reached out to all these organizations, and I was so excited. And who showed up, but only the adult representatives, not one teenager showed up. And so it was a moment to think about, okay, well, what isn't working here? And the answer was we needed to go to them instead of them coming to us in our university towers where they maybe weren't familiar or comfortable. And so instead, we started going to after school programs, or we went to school classrooms that were set up in a way that our programs could work, that changed everything because it was on their territory, they already felt comfortable, and then we could ask good questions, and if we were good listeners, get really insightful information. That same thing works for hearing from adults. And so we've been working to become a recognized, UNICEF, child friendly city, which is a multi year process which ends in official recognition. And one of the pieces of that is called community conversations, and that really is having conversations with our community. Well, what's so exciting is we partnered with over 30 nonprofits, government programs for kids, all sorts of spaces where young people and their parents were and we said, look, this is our goal. We want to hear certain things, but what? And here are a few different ways that you might approach this. Choose what works for your community. So in one of our partner nonprofits that works primarily with Latinx families, they wanted to use storytelling. Right? Instead of filling out a survey, they wanted to do storytelling, and so it was facilitated by their own leader in Spanish using a storytelling method, and the data and information we got from that was so rich and so useful, and that was primarily adults we were hearing from, but we were doing it in a way that worked for them, and really honoring what the community was telling us. And if we take the time to do that, we can create such better spaces and policies, but it does take more time. And so again, it's a really different way of approaching engaging with children or adults. And so, you know, it's a whole change, but I think it's worth the time and energy. And

    KC Davis 24:56

    you didn't just like, ask people questions, like. So there were some really cool things that you did about the park that you talked about in your TED Talk, where it wasn't just like asking kids questions like you. I mean, these kids were holding clipboards like these kids were walking through parks and taking pictures of the things that interested them and the things that they thought were problems, and even like really young kids, you know, we're making model, you know, model parks out of, you know, Ed cartons and candy and things like that. And talking about these things, can you talk a little bit about how much we are perhaps underestimating children's ability to understand issues and come up with creative solutions.

    Mara Mintzer 25:43

    I mean, the kids never cease to amaze me with their insights. I was just at a meeting that we ran two nights ago where a group of teenagers, you know, maybe 13 to 18 were they were running the whole meeting. They were so amazing. And by the end of the meeting, they had typed up an entire plan for and divided up. Okay, everyone's reaching out to three organizations. Here's your name and here's what you're committing to. Because, again, they're experts on their own lives. They knew which organizations they could reach out to to get a variety of demographics to come to a meeting that we're having no The other thing we do with young people is, when they were at that civic area Park in my TEDx talk, they were using their five senses, right? And so we weren't just asking them visually what to do, but like, what do you want to experience with your body, with your sense of smell, your taste? And so all of that then feeds into how you design a space like, for instance, we've heard from kids over time they've wanted sort of edible gardens, and I mean, and forests. And I'm really excited. I think this is more coincidental, but our open space department is looking to design some forests now that are have all sorts of edible plants in them. And so kids really are thinking outside the box when they're creating their spaces.

    KC Davis 27:08

    Would you say that there were things that you went into that project, or any projects you've done, like, what are some of the things that you went in thinking, like, Oh, this is going to be perfect for kids, that when you actually brought kids into the conversation, you realize, like, Oh, this is actually not something that, like is the best thing to do here. Because I feel like we often have in and I mean, even as a parent, you're like, Oh, they're gonna love this. And then they're like, No, we really, like, she said, like we wanted to stare at leaves in the gutter. Like, were there any of those kind of surprises about like things that you assumed children would be most drawn to in public spaces or in parks and playgrounds that you were kind of surprised to hear? They weren't.

    Mara Mintzer 27:52

    You know, it's been so long now that I don't, I can't think of anything because, and there might have been at one point, but the themes, actually, that kids are asking for now are pretty similar most times. And actually, when I've compared it across cultures and looked at other countries, it actually is somewhat similar, although the way that they might roll it out for a specific space changes. So they constantly want interaction with water, play with water. They want nature and beauty and flowers and color around them.

    KC Davis 28:24

    It's like the opposite of most parks. Most parks are a big, open green field, maybe a playground,

    Mara Mintzer 28:31

    yeah. And, you know, I think of sort of the also the junkyard type spaces, like in in Wales, where they have the land, or in New York City, where they've got on governance island that kind of wild and free and Dangerous play with like hammers and fire and all this. And really, that is what kids often prefers, this messy play, and not the neat, manicured play that we create and parks, there's like one little surprising thing, but it wasn't. It wasn't so surprising. We were working with second grade students on a bus route, like looking at a bus route and how to make it more child friendly. And so the two things that they came up with were, one, they were really kind of bored and disengaged when they were waiting for the bus and on the bus. So they designed playful sort of signs for all the busses inside the bus that it was count the number of bunnies, hidden bunnies. And so the kids had actually drawn the artwork, and then for other kids to have something to play with and do while they were on the bus, to make taking public transit more fun. So I thought that was so clever. And the other piece was they get really tired when they were waiting for the bus to come, so they installed a bench there. And of course, I've been noticing around town how frequently adults and kids will use benches if you put them there. So I hadn't thought of that, and it really made a lot of sense when the kids raised those ideas.

    KC Davis 29:56

    I really love the note about like being bored at the bus stop, because I. Like a lot of adults would hear that quote, unquote complaint and be like, Okay, we'll get over it. Parts of life are boring, like, you don't need to be entertained all the time. Yada yada ya, right. However, when I think about adult design, I think about and I notice how much boredom is taken as a real issue that deserves to be addressed. Like when I'm sitting in a waiting room waiting for my oil to be changed, there is always a TV. There are always magazines on the table when I am waiting at the doctor's office, again, there are always magazines on the table. Like these are things that we dismiss in children that I don't think we realize we design around as legitimate needs for adults. I've never been I really like wait in a place where someone hasn't given one at least one thought to what can I do to entertain myself? And now we all have phones, but even so, like there aren't a lot of waiting places for children that, unless it's specifically a pediatrician that are thinking, how can we help children wait here

    Mara Mintzer 31:09

    Absolutely and you know, sometimes we think that these things have to be a certain way, but they're all human designed. These are not things that have always existed. So there's no reason to say that having something interesting for adults to look at is more important than having kids have something to look at or to do. And again, that goes back to that adults who don't want kids around, if we are designing spaces that are keeping kids in mind, it really changes it. And so like when I lived in Australia, there were all these cafes that had sections set up for kids. You know, there were chalkboards they could write on. They had toys there, and so then you could spend many hours eating and drinking at this cafe with your kid also having great opportunities for socialization. It's not that hard to do, but it's a different mind. You Yeah.

    KC Davis 32:04

    Like, one of my biggest if I could, like, wave a magic wand as a parent and get is that, like, it's not that there aren't restaurants that are accommodating children. It's that the food is never good at those restaurants. Like, it's fine. But, like, I'm not thinking, like, you know what, I would love to go, man, it would just be so great to go and have a sit down meal at Wendy's, right? Like this, just, you know, there's, we have one restaurant in my neighborhood that has an out gated outdoor play area with some playground equipment. And they even do like, a bouncy house on the weekends. And we go there all the time, because when my kids can run around and expend some energy, they don't mind waiting. It's easier for them to sit down and eat. And they'll even do the thing where they'll eat a little pop up, go play. Eat a little pop up, go play. And there's also some TVs on the sports for parents. And so you have a more relaxing experience, and you never really have despite the fact that kids are running around even more chaotically because of the play place. You almost never see child parent conflict. You never see anyone being disrupted at their other tables, even though the kids are running around because it is designed for them and the food sucks. It sucks so bad. And, you know, if I want that experience of being able to sit down and eat a meal and not have to worry about, you know, my kids ability to sit for, you know, 3040, minutes. You know, those are the kind of places we want to go. I have always yearned because I spent some time in Guatemala City when I was in my early 20s. And there was this one restaurant that my friends who had kids would always take me, and it had, like, kind of an old school McDonald's esque, like indoor playground. But the restaurant was like, a la Madeleine, like, that's the closest I can think to it. And we would it like it was an adult restaurant with a child's play place, and this is where all of these mothers would go to actually sit down and have a conversation, actually sit down and do a book club. And again, there was very little conflict between patrons and children. And I just ever since, and I've always noticed that like restaurants that accommodate or cater to children are like you said they're like, children specific, they're not also trying to make a good adult experience, and so that we have that separation of like, oh, we have adult restaurants and children's restaurants, versus just like a restaurant where anyone could go, where everyone might be accommodated. And I just wish that there were more places like that, I completely agree,

    Mara Mintzer 34:41

    and there's absolutely no need for that dichotomy. Actually, one of the things I feel really strongly about also is actually in terms of food. So when we think about again the way our American society works, we think of adults food versus kids' food, when, in fact, if you look at cultures all over the world. There's no need for that. Like you don't have kids in other parts of the world saying, I'm not going to eat this. I'm only going to eat chicken nuggets. No, if you eat antelope for dinner and your parents eat that, that's what you eat too. And so you know, what? If there were restaurants that had just kid sized portions of the same adult food, and then things that kids could do again, that could give them a break, or have other ways of being at dinner, we could really transform the way our society works. And the other benefit is it would reduce stress and anxiety for parents. Because again, you know this is sort of the hot topic now, and I know our Surgeon General just talked about this crisis in parenting and in the US, how stressful parenting is, and it is absolutely true. There was a great book I read that looked at parenting in Denmark and how much more relaxing it is, and the reasons for that are the following. One, they have universal child care and after school programs so that it doesn't matter what your income is there, that is just a given that you will have that time. There is better parental leave. There's also a better work life balance, right? Like you're not working as many hours. And then there's the expectation that adults and kids have other activities they engage in. And so when each when the parents and the children are getting to be seen as whole people, and there are supports in place, and the kids are also expected to help out at home, it's just what you do, you set the table, and no one asks questions about it, it reduces stress so much for parents, and it's more enjoyable. And so I think there is a possibility for us to do this, but we have to really change the systems around us and also our own expectations and beliefs and what we think kids can do like they can do so much more than we allow them to do, and that's another change I'd love to see in our country. Yeah,

    KC Davis 36:55

    it reminds me, you know, full circle to like watching my tiny little preschooler do like, a full independent bathtub routine, and it was like this whole time, it's not that she wasn't capable of doing it, it's that she had never been in a space that had empowered her to do it on her own. And how many parents are overloaded with how much we have to do for our kids, especially out in public, when, like, half the problem is that there just aren't spaces that are thinking about how a child could exist in those space and she has it, there's a psychology aspect to it, right? Like, when it is accessible to my kids, they feel like they feel more of a responsibility to do it, as opposed to, well, you know, I can't pick me up. Like there's kind of this challenge to them that they sense in the environment of, oh, I'm expected to do this. And I think that matters. I also think that some of the things that I've heard my kids voice, it's not the big things, right? Like, some of the things you've talked about are kind of big, like, big parks and bus stops and things like that. But like, I'll never forget my daughter like commenting to me one time, like, I wish more restaurants got the crayons that didn't roll away, because there's a couple of restaurants around us that have crayons that are, like, hexagonal, if that makes sense, like they have flat sides, so they're their triangle, so that when they're coloring on the table, they don't roll off the table. And that's always stuck with me about like, what a small thing that if we were listening to children, we would hear, you know, I am more engaged in a restaurant when I have something to color, but more than that, because that's what parent with, what adults think, right? Oh, well, give them something to color, but it's specific to when my crayons don't run away.

    Mara Mintzer 38:38

    Yeah, you know, Allison gopnik is a professor who does work around child development, and one of the research studies she's done has to do with children actually being better problem solvers than adults, even. And these are, I think, young children, maybe like four or five, and what happens is, the reason they can be better problem solvers is that as we get older, we have frameworks that help us understand the world, because there is so much information out there, and it makes sense that we have to have some way of wrestling all this information into submission and to be usable. But kids don't yet have those restrictions, and so they can look at a problem and actually solve it more quickly or more creatively, because they just are literally thinking without such rigid framework. The crayon example is a great idea. Maybe there are other things we haven't even thought of. If we brought kids in for our randd team to help come up with answers, yeah.

    KC Davis 39:37

    And then the other short one that I'll share with you before we end our time is, you know, one of my daughters is four, and what's really difficult for her we go on airplanes is she kicks the seat in front of her, and we spend the whole flight really kind of managing that. Now, part of that is, you know, she's neuro divergent, and she's, you know, kind of squiggly wiggly, but a big part of it is that she doesn't fit. Sit in the seat, and so she's constantly pushing on the seat in front of her to push her body back up in to the seat, because where her knees hit the seat, she can't really sit comfortably. So she's always kind of like slowly sliding down. And that's like, one of the biggest complaints that people have on airplanes, ah, Kid kick in the back of my seat, and it's like, okay, well, some of that is okay, yeah, kids are restless. They want to swing their feet and they're not as aware. That's fine, but some of that is, and I can say this as a short person who also, like, my knees genuinely hurt when I sit on long flights, like, there's nowhere to prop my feet up, and that has to do with, like my body being comfortable and aligned. And how many of these kids, you know, how simple would it be to think about, where are kids legs and feet hitting in an airplane seat, and is there a simple way for them to put have a foot rest, to put their feet on something, to have a booster seat or something kind of built in. And again, you would think, Oh, look, this is so much. But like, I don't know, they just unveiled that, like, brand new Southwest Airlines, you like, whatever. And like, part of it is like, there's TVs in the back that we thought about people's entertainment. And the other part is, like, that little part of the headrest that kind of folds forward to support your head if you want to sleep. That's not necessary. That's luxury. Like, that's not like, we could have just told adults, like, get over it. It's a flight. It's not supposed to be comfortable. But we didn't. We thought about, how do we make people be able to watch TV on flights easier? How do we support their heads so they're more comfortable? Why can't we think, why is where a child's knees and feet hit on the seat, not as valid as you wanting to rest your head again, like it's just kind of something to think about. You're very

    Mara Mintzer 41:51

    welcome. No, I was gonna say the thing is, right, the kids aren't the ones with the wallets and voters, and I think that is why they so often get ignored, is that they're not seen as constituents. But in fact, I think we should be. And I love your example, it wouldn't be that hard of a fix, but if we have to start thinking about it first,

    KC Davis 42:10

    yeah, well, thank you so much. And where can people go to learn more about your organization and the cool things that you've done there?

    Mara Mintzer 42:18

    Absolutely so they can go to our website, which is growing up, Boulder, B, O, U, L, D, E, r.org, and if they want to support us, there's opportunities for donation. There are also ways to support with skills that they have, and all the resources that we've discussed are on there, and we've written a book, and there's my TED Talk. So there are a variety of ways, if you want to learn more and take some of this into your own communities. Our goal is for others to be doing this as well and then teach us while we go along. Awesome.

    KC Davis 42:51

    Thank you so much. Thanks. you.

Christy Haussler
Going Back To School as an (ADHD) Adult

Returning to school as a neurodivergent adult brings unique challenges, and we are discussing all aspects of this topic in today’s episode. I’m joined by “The Neuro-Spicy Student,” Amber, to share her experience and perspective on this topic. Join us!

Show Highlights:

  • Amber’s “alphabet soup” of diagnoses, misdiagnoses, and disabilities

  • Amber’s childhood experience in school

  • Two sides of the coin for most neurodivergent students

  • Amber’s story of multiple attempts at college and (finally) earning multiple degrees

  • Internal barriers in returning to school as an adult

  • A common experience for adults with ADHD: Learning and learning and learning—without formal degrees to show for it

  • Differences in going to school as an older student with accommodations

  • Finding empowerment in advocating for yourself–and healing your younger self

  • Specific accommodations you can ask for in college

  • Amber’s parting words for listeners considering a return to school

Resources and Links:

Connect with Amber: LinkedIn

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Hello you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today we're going to be talking with the neuro spicy student. I have Amber here with me in the studio, and we're going to talk about going back to school as a neurodivergent adult. Amber. Thank you so much for being here.

    Amber Anthony 0:21

    Thank you for allowing me to be here.

    KC Davis 0:24

    So tell me what your alphabet soup is of diagnoses.

    Amber Anthony 0:29

    That's a long list. We do have ADHD that one is formally diagnosed, and then we have the self diagnosis for autism, but I have been misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I feel like that is something that a lot of other Audi HD ers have in common, and I've also been diagnosed with bipolar type two. Believe that one is also a misdiagnosis. I do agree with the OCD diagnosis, because that's pretty on par for some of my struggles, but I also do have a couple of physical disabilities, hot Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, ethos Danlos Syndrome, the hypermobility. I think that is something that is very much shared amongst neurodivergent folks, that just something that we all sort of have in common, that those are some struggles we all go through, and they very much impact being able to go to school, stay in school, and find success in school throughout all like from the youngest years to back to college. So

    KC Davis 1:36

    what was your experience in school like as a child? Rough,

    Amber Anthony 1:40

    very, very rough. There was a lot of hyper variability as a little kid. I mean, I spoke in complete sentences by the time that I was about 1618, months talking about that I was going to be rich and famous one day. That was my big goal as an 18 month old. But I definitely found a lot of struggle with math. In particular, I am dysgraphic as well as dyscalculia. So any kind of math, it's just going to create so much anxiety, so much stress. And there has been exactly one teacher out there, Mr. Jim Roman, shout out to my grandpa. He's not my actual grandpa, but he is, after this many years, he is the only person that sat down with me and got me to understand algebra two, which no other person has ever been able to have him since, but that man, he's a real teacher, because he actually cares. So I had to shout him

    KC Davis 2:40

    out. I feel like it's super common for people, whether they had a diagnosis or they weren't diagnosed till later, like to have really adverse experiences in school because of neurodivergence, whether it's a learning disability or ADHD or autism. Like it's just so common for us to have these early experiences, and it's kind of two sides of the same coin. But like, there's kind of, like the group of people that, because of some executive functioning stuff, some attention stuff, like we, at an early age, just kind of conclude that we must be stupid, and then like, the other side of the coin are those of us who maybe trend towards, like, what was considered gifted, and so all of our issues were kind of like fell through the cracks until it was too late, right? And it was like, Oh, they're smart. Who cares if they can't ever do their homework or ever stay organized, or ever whatever. And we get to a certain level of school where we just absolutely crash out, because it becomes obvious that these skills that we weren't building along the way are not there.

    Amber Anthony 3:40

    That was college for me. Which of those categories did

    KC Davis 3:44

    you fall into?

    Amber Anthony 3:45

    That was absolutely college. I mean, I very much struggled in elementary school, but it was internal struggle. It was very much she's a delight to have in class, a little chatty, but she's so smart, she's so precocious. She has this great vocabulary words that you know, kids her age just don't know and are reading, you know level that's up in high school and college level when I'm still in elementary and I mean, I had decent, well, no, I didn't get good grades, really, until about middle school, because that's when it counted. I was supposed to go to a very prestigious, all girls Catholic high school that gets you ready for college. And I was also supposed to be a legacy student that did not work out. One might say that those nuns at the school did not like my mother after the six years that they are no eight years they had already had her at that point. So they're like, We can't do this anymore, guys, I cannot do this again. And they only had three years because my sister and I would have actually been at the same time. Oh

    KC Davis 4:47

    my gosh. But so did you finish undergrad?

    Amber Anthony 4:50

    I have actually finished four associates at this point, but that is my second attempt of college, my first attempt of college. Was actually three weeks after I graduated high school, I went to summer school and started online classes before never completing any other sort of summer before college. And that did not work out. Schedules did not work out. I had just turned 18. I had no time management skills. And I am a youngest child, yeah,

    KC Davis 5:23

    yeah, my crash out was in high school, and I actually funny. You should mention, I actually went to a private all girls Catholic prep school, and I was there the first year, and and then I got expelled my second year. And you know, my grades went from like A's and B's to like when I in the eighth grade, to like D's and F's, and I didn't change. I didn't do anything different. I just, all of a sudden the homework mattered, and they weren't going over everything in class. There was like, stuff that you were supposed to be doing on your own, and it became obvious I didn't have those skills. And I mean, I was like, Well, I guess I can't do school anymore, right? And I feel like that is so common with people who are neurodivergent, like, just realize we have such a bad experience with school that we start hating and I hated school. It's weird, like, I loved aspects of school when it came to learning and socializing and things like that, but I hated the grading part. Yes, I learned. I

    Amber Anthony 6:30

    always said that I love learning. Don't grade me. I hate

    KC Davis 6:34

    grading unless it's gonna be like you teach me something and immediately ask me to talk about it, because then I'll get good grades. But don't ask me to go home and structure shit by myself. By myself. So how long was it before you decided to go back to school?

    Amber Anthony 6:48

    It was a little bit back and forth a few different times. So from age 18 until 20, I went pretty consistently, but that's also when some of my physical issues really started amping up. I got mono for like eight months when I was 18 years old, and that just wrecked my health. I got my tonsils removed. I missed a bunch of class because the professors were asking me to leave because I looked like I was dying in class and like I don't want a lawsuit on my hands. If you die in my class, get out. So I missed a bunch of stuff. I had to drop a bunch of courses, and it did not work out the first time around, I started again at 24 I tried for a semester, and I just, I took random classes. I take gerontology, for some reason, that is the study of aging, the psychology of aging. Oh, interesting. And like geriatrics, okay, yes, yes. So of the elderly people do I have any interest in elderly care? No, no, I don't

    KC Davis 8:00

    that sounds like me. People are always like, Oh my God, how many degrees do you have? And I'm like, Oh no, I only have two. But I changed my major 1000 times and took a bunch of coursework that didn't even relate to my major, and like, years worth of coursework to not end in a degree.

    Amber Anthony 8:17

    Ask me my first major. What was your first major? Mortuary science.

    KC Davis 8:22

    Oh, mine was philosophy that lasted a semester. What was your second major?

    Amber Anthony 8:26

    I went to English, which actually is now my one of my current majors, one of I'm a double

    KC Davis 8:33

    I went to meteorology as someone who was also dyscalculic. For some reason I thought meteorology would work because I could chase tornadoes, but then there was so much math that I switched to theater. Oh,

    Amber Anthony 8:44

    I did, taken a few theater classes. I was definitely a theater kid, especially because, you know, I'm rather I'm rather theatrical.

    KC Davis 8:55

    So when you made the decision to go back, or like all the times you've made the decision, what kind of internal barriers did you have to get over or like did you have to process or, or or deal with? Because I feel like when we have these bad experiences in school, and then we get older and we perceive ourselves as being like outside the age group that like should be in school, there's a lot of internal like barriers and almost like stigma and trauma to like work through. So like, what did that look like for you?

    Amber Anthony 9:27

    I had to do it for me, instead of who I was trying to please, which was very much, I mean, very familial. My oldest sister is a polyglot times six, so there's that she has either one or two masters at this point, she has traveled the world so that there's living up to that my middle sister is a pastry chef. She went to the Culinary Institute of America, and she is a very accomplished mother and pastry chef. And. And very successful in that, as well as my other sister, very accomplished mother. She is fantastic. So going back for myself and not having to live up to familial standards, and deciding that I just want to do this for me as well as the people I want to help, because that's really what brought me back. I know that to be a librarian and to be a social worker, I have to have those degrees to get into those buildings and to fill those gaps, because that's what I want to do. That's who I want to be.

    KC Davis 10:36

    I feel like that is such a powerful point to speak to, because there is this feeling, you know, and I the audience knows that I had a pretty bad drug addiction when I was in my teens, and so when I came out of rehab, you know, I was a senior in high school, and I went to, like, a special high school with a contained class, and you know, then I went to community college for my first year, and there was kind of that feeling of like I've been left behind, like I'm not going and doing what everyone else is doing. And I remember like waiting tables to put myself through grad school. And I waited tables in kind of like a rich part of town, and there was, like more than one occasion where I would end up waiting on the mothers of, like former classmates that I'd gone to prep school with and I remember feeling so ashamed, even though, like, I know intellectually, there's nothing shameful about waiting tables. And I was literally waiting tables to put myself through a really rigorous graduate degree. And yet, the pressure and the feeling of, I really want to tell them, I'm getting a degree too. I'm getting a degree too, because, and I think that can get muddied, like, there probably are some of us out there that, like, we feel like we should go back to school to finish that degree, but it's mostly being pushed by just like the societal standard, like, I'll be more worthy, I'll be more respected. And I think your point to having to realize that, like, that's not motivation that's going to carry long term. Like, there really has to be a personal motivation. Of it doesn't matter what anybody thinks. It doesn't matter how old I am. It doesn't matter like, all those kinds of things. Like, I have to do it because at the end of this road is something that I want for me in my life. Yes, so 100%

    Amber Anthony 12:26

    yes. Just have seen the amount of people out there that are not spoken for and that are suffering because they have no one to speak for them, whether it is because of being a marginalized human or just not being able to advocate for themselves. And I just, I can't let it keep going on. I can't be participating in a system that does not work for all humans. Yeah,

    KC Davis 12:56

    did you struggle at all with like? Because I know for a time I was thinking about, like, doing more schooling, and one of the things that I struggled with was, like, doing the math of how old I was gonna be by the time I graduated. Yeah, yeah. Did you struggle with that at all? Oh, no. 100%

    Amber Anthony 13:14

    I did that math. And like, how did you get through that? So by the end of this, I will be between 36 and 37 at the end of all of this, granted, I would have been, I think, 35 if I had stopped adding so many things to the plate.

    KC Davis 13:30

    That's the ADHD tax, though, but that's part of it. Is like you feel like, No, I've lived 1000 lives. I really am very knowledgeable, I really am very competent, but I've learned so many things, but I have no degrees to my name. For 75% of it,

    Amber Anthony 13:44

    that is the worst part of my schooling, everything that I have learned up until this point that I've gotten all my degrees, I have early childhood education associates, I have social science associates, I have a library science associates, I have an English Associates, and I'm working on a social work transfer associate. And I also have five different certificates in early childhood education, being a specialist in disabled students and infants and toddlers. Yeah, of course. Because why wouldn't I?

    KC Davis 14:10

    I feel like the most powerful thing I heard someone say was they were talking to somebody who said, Well, you know, well, you know, if I go back to school now, I'll be 40 when I finish. And they said, You know what the time will pass.

    Amber Anthony 14:23

    Anyways, it will and if you do it until you retire, which they keep trying to hike that age up, you could do it for 20 years. You start at 40, you have 20 years of doing a profession that fulfills you, that you love and that God willing, helps people.

    KC Davis 14:43

    And like, this idea of like, oh, but in four years, I'll be 42 and it's like, yeah, no, but like, I'll be 42 in four years no matter what, even if I don't go back to school, right? Like, the time will pass anyways, no matter exactly. And so like, yes, it's gonna take a long time. But again, that long time is going to happen no matter what. It's just like, we may or may not have a degree at the end of it,

    Amber Anthony 15:05

    exactly. So

    KC Davis 15:06

    tell me then, like, let's shift to like, what has been different this time about going back to school? You mentioned before we hopped on like that you've been dealing with accommodations, and I feel like that's a big one for people who are late diagnosed. Like, part of our adverse experiences in school is that we had not been diagnosed or recognized and we didn't have accommodations at those times. And so what has it been like to go back to school and this time advocate for accommodations?

    Amber Anthony 15:32

    I would say that being older, I just feel like I have more of a voice. For some reason, when you get right out of high school, everyone is telling you what to do, where to go, how to be. And I'm also a military kid. Twice over, I was raised by two sailors, so I say I have a filthy fucking mouth because and my dad's from Jersey, so that should explain a myriad of it.

    KC Davis 15:58

    Well, yeah, out of high school, you still feel a little bit like a child. And so professors are these, like, far away experts. They're the real adults. And I would imagine, like, going back to school in your, like, late 20s or your 30s, you kind of see a professor as a peer. It's like, I'm older than another adult, yeah? Like, I'm paying you for a service, yeah, 100

    Amber Anthony 16:21

    No, I have very much been like, Ah, no. Like, I want us to be respectful, but you are going to, like, hear what I have to say, and I'm gonna talk a lot, and you will keep listening, or I'll go to the dean, because I have, and he heard me talk a lot too. And

    KC Davis 16:38

    so what has that process been like? Have you hit bumps in the road? Have you found successes because of accommodations that you you know didn't get in other situations or other tries? I

    Amber Anthony 16:50

    am still currently in a fight with the Los Rios Sacramento college, community colleges, specifically Folsom Lake, they say a lot of nice words, and they make things look really, really nice. Put a beautiful little bow on it and tell you really nice things. But when it comes down to actually enacting those accommodations and getting professors who are tenured and have been there a very long time and might have a very specific world view. They don't always want to be on your side. They don't want to, I have said multiple times to DSPs officers, the director of DSPs and also the dean of literature, that the rounded curve helps all people. So why are we making specific accommodations for, you know, just one student here, one student there. Why can't we make an accessible class overall? Here's how we can do that. No, we just need to go straight to accessibility for just the student, just specific students make their accommodations. Because if we make accommodations for everyone. It makes it too easy. If it's accessible to everyone, easier to learn, that sounds like a good thing, doesn't it for everyone to learn a little easier and not have to struggle.

    KC Davis 18:16

    Do you think that process? Because although it sounds like a headache, it sounds like it could be very frustrating, and even it seems like it could feel very defeating. But has there been an aspect of it that has been empowering to you, to have this almost it's not practice. I mean, it's real life, but I mean to like really go in and advocate hard for yourself, even if it doesn't always end fairly

    Amber Anthony 18:42

    I have always said I would rather it be me than some kids straight out of high school who does not know the things to say as well as have the background, sort of be able to back them up and say, No, I actually do know what I'm talking about here, and this is what's right and you aren't following Through with everything that you told me you would follow through with and keeping other people accountable for what they're saying, that they're going to do and how they're going to help. And I do feel powerful from that. Do

    KC Davis 19:11

    you feel like, I mean, I'm also curious if any of that has been healing, like to your own inner child, like, I think we all remember being whether we were young children or, you know, I had moments in grad school that I look back and I think, like, God, I wish. I wish somebody would have advocated for me, because I didn't even know to advocate for myself. And I could just see that being like a very corrective emotional experience. It

    Amber Anthony 19:34

    has been really nice to be able to, even when it doesn't work out, just know that I have said what I need to say, and they know that I'm not backing down, because I keep going to the next step, and I know how to bring it to the next step. And another shout out to Dr Douglas, see if you miss she works with it, creators on Tik Tok. Also, she has been a fantastic. Person that I have communicated with on several different times, that she has helped me sort of navigate some of what I have not known how to get through the administration and but of the red tape where some of my rights I still did not know how to advocate for, but I did know who to look for to find out what I needed to do, instead of just being like, well, I guess I'll just try again later, or I guess I'm the wrong one. But no, I am allowed to

    KC Davis 20:27

    have this. And you know, even though I haven't had that experience in school, and I don't like have a boss like, but I do, like, run a business, and I do have business partnerships and contracts and things like that. And I find that even in that world, like I have done some things recently that have been like, about accessibility for me, and it's funny how you'll do it and then you'll be like, Why haven't I done this before? Why haven't I asked for this before? And there was this weird subconscious, like, you didn't, it's not, not that you didn't need it, but almost like, well, it's supposed to be hard. You're not, like, it's not supposed to be too easy. Like, the one I did recently is like, when I do brand deals, and I don't do a ton of them, but what typically happens is, like, whatever, like, nice person working in the marketing department is usually not like, the top of the food chain, right? And so they're sending an email of, like, hey, we would love to have you do some stuff for us. You're like, Okay, what? And they're like, Well, we have this product, and we would love for you to do one Tiktok reel, and also a story, at least three pains in the story, 15 seconds each. And we, you know, here are the three talking points, and here's the call to action. You have to say it verbally, but make sure you don't say these words here. Can you have this to us by next Tuesday, and then we can post on Thursday, but make sure you send it in, and it's like, so many details, and those details will often come in spread over multiple emails. So like, there's the initial email of, like, here's what we're looking for. You'll be like, Yeah, let's do it. And then you'll start to get a bunch of other details filtered in. And then sometimes you'll also get like, Okay. And then here's the brief, and but the brief will be written generally for, like, all influencer stuff, and so you have to go in and figure out which ones are yours. And, like, it's so funny, because you guys can't see Amber, but she's, like, visibly hyperventilating thinking about it. It really is that stressful. I

    Amber Anthony 22:13

    can see, like, just how many directions you would have to be pulled in to try and I'm just like, this is working in the infant room at my school, yes, and

    KC Davis 22:21

    it almost reminded me also of like having a syllabus, but worse, right? And so what I did recently was I was like, You know what like? Because there's things that, like you have to say to get it right, but it's like, wasn't all written in the same place. So I went in and made myself a Google form that basically said, like, check which, like, which of these contents. Are you wanting? Are you wanting? Tik, Tok, this, whatever the next one was like, what are the talking points? Copy and paste them. When is the due date? The due date must be at least 14 days after I received this form for a proof like, when do you want the draft? Okay, after you get the draft, when do you want it posted? That date must be four business days from approval, including re like, I had to spell it out right, and then it had to be like, you know, now, put the call to action verbatim in this line. And I think what feels weird is that you're basically asking people to do more work. And you think, well, there it's my job to do all of that work, but, like, I literally have a disability, like, I need information in a specific, you know, format in order for me to do the job you have hired me for. And it's weird, because you're like, This is so simple, like, this is so much easier. Now this is so much more. This is literally accessible now, and you're like, why didn't I ask for this before?

    Amber Anthony 23:46

    Because you don't want to be a burden. Because society teaches us we are all just burdens when we need something, especially if we are female, identifying, it's just ingrained into us.

    KC Davis 23:59

    So what are some of the specific accommodations that you have? Because one of the things that I know is that a lot of people, who they totally get the idea of accommodations, but they don't know what to ask for. And it's not like the school gives you a list of options.

    Amber Anthony 24:12

    Oh no, they will not give you a specific list, because they have to be specific to your disability. But you also have to prove why you deserve them, like how you will actually be using them, and why it won't give you an unfair disadvantage over everyone else, which is something that I have very much come into contact with. Of them not wanting to allow for my accommodations, one of which being, I am not allowed to use the accommodation of Grammarly go because there is an AI aspect to it. And unfortunately, there are a fair amount of colleges out there that still use Turnitin, which is a faulty also AI to. Tracking system to see if you are using AI to write your papers. I understand why they are using it, but I think there just needs to be a little bit more critical thinking on the people grading stuff. Part. You can tell AI writing like very different. It's very dry, it's all the same. It all comes out very much sounding the same, and it has no voice to it. So that's something I'm not allowed to use. The reason I was using it, I have a very difficult time, especially in writing, to be able to figure out what kind of tone I'm using. And Grammarly go allows you to figure out is this coming off impassioned or combative, because more often than not, when I am fired up and really excited about something, people are like, Girl, drink water. Calm down. Why are you mad? I'm like, I'm not I'm just excited. I'm very excited. So there's always been confusion there, and I tried to use that as a way to mitigate that. And unfortunately, that was not an accommodation that I was allowed to use. There are professors that, thankfully, I do talk to them, they allow me to use it. They understand why I'm using it, and I also keep a lot of notes to show them exactly how I am writing my papers, to show that I am not cheating. And unfortunately, that's another thing that I have to burden on myself to show that I'm using accommodations properly and I don't have an unfair advantage over everybody else. So

    KC Davis 26:31

    what are some of the accommodations that you do have that work? Well, I'd like to give people ideas about what they can ask for. Oh yes,

    Amber Anthony 26:37

    I would say double time would be great. Double time for tests and quizzes. That's great also when professors let you do it, because sometimes they'll say you don't need that. You do fine without it, but sitting preferential seating, so either sitting close in front, or if you prefer to be in the back of the class, so that you're able to see the full board, or being able to take frequent breaks, standing up in the classroom, fully, leaving the classroom for a few minutes being if you have the in person classes, not having to have your camera on for a zoom. Course, because being perceived is very difficult on some days, I found that a very, very helpful one. This is very much up to professors, but I have up to the discretion of the professor an allowance to have late work within a certain time frame, just because deadlines can get very difficult, especially once you add in the physical disabilities with I also do have chronic migraines. I forgot to mention that one, those are fun, so those throw things off

    KC Davis 27:40

    a lot. That's probably like the number one thing I wish that I would have had. And for me, it wasn't even about like I was procrastinating or I got sick, like it was truly that, like I looked at the syllabus 1000 times, and I literally saw a 15 when it was a five, like it's due on the fifth, and my brain saw a 15, and every time I looked at it, I just couldn't see something different, like the amount of like hits that I took to grades when I was, like, fully working hard on something and managing my time and doing all like and I just screwed up the dates and and I would have some professors that were chill about it because they knew me, and they were like, I don't think she's like bullshitting, but I had others that just would not budge. And I also think, like when I was younger, I really wish I would have had an accommodation about writing down what the homework was. I don't know why that was so difficult. What got lost in translation. Every day I would look at the board, and they'd be like, homework is this? And I'd be like, cool, I'll remember that. And then I didn't, and I'm like, 12, so like, every day I'm not doing my homework, and I just, man, I wish that the teacher would have just written it in my planner, and then when I went home, my mom would have opened up my planner with me and shown it to me. I think that that would have solved all of my problems.

    Amber Anthony 29:00

    They did that for me, really, gosh, you're so that was what they did that my school, once I got to it was actually a public school instead of a private school. In elementary I did not have to ask for accommodations. They just saw who I was, and they accommodated me. They were like, Oh, she seems to struggle with focus, so let's keep her towards the front of the class. This person seems to be her friend, so we're not going to put her next to her, because she's going to talk to her. Yeah, I also had times where I didn't even know I was receiving extra help. That's how good they were. I was being taken out of the classroom to a separate place, and they were giving me, like a tutoring during school hours. I had no idea that they were helping me, because I was just like, Oh, I'm going to my little school thing. And everyone does this, right? No, they don't. They were just helping me because that's what I needed. My mom never even. Had to sign me up for it. It was fantastic. They just saw me and accommodated me. That's

    KC Davis 30:06

    amazing. Well, Amber, I really appreciate just kind of hearing your first person experience. And then I'm curious if you have any kind of like parting words for listeners at home that maybe have been considering going back to school and whether or not they should do that. And the fears that they have around that, you know, what would you say to someone who's considering it?

    Amber Anthony 30:24

    I'd say, jump in. Just jump in. It is not a sit around and think about it and go back and forth and make a pro. I mean, if you're a pro and conless person, do it. But, I mean, I think it's going to come out in the favor of jump in. Do it, because if you find out that's not what you like, change your major again. It doesn't matter. Just find something that you love, and if at the end of it, you're like, you know what? School wasn't it, but you make a bunch of friends, you make contacts, you network. Something can still come out of it, even if it's not a degree. Something really beautiful can happen when you just decide to be part of more than what you are right now.

    KC Davis 31:04

    Yeah, that's great. Well, Amber, thank you so much, and we'll throw some helpful links into the show notes for anybody that wants to look up stuff about accommodations. And I hope you guys all have a great day.

    Amber Anthony 31:16

    Thank you. Thank you so much.

Christy Haussler
119: How to Have the Best Fight of Your Life with Lindley Gentile, LMFT

How are your fighting skills? Most couples could use a LOT of work in this area, and I have just the person to help us! I’m thrilled to be joined by a great friend, Lindley Gentile, for today’s episode. She’s a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who recently wrote an ebook titled, How to Have the Best Fight of Your Life. Listen to our conversation about this thought-provoking topic and learn why looking for right and wrong is the WORST way to handle conflict. 

Show Highlights:

  • Lindley’s motivation to write this book? Because many (most!) couples seek therapy around communication issues

  • Fighting well leads to being seen well.

  • The need to uplevel your fighting skill set beyond being “right or wrong”

  • Ways in which we are fighting wrong

  • Making the shift from arguing about who’s right to witnessing one another

  • The fable of the elephant can teach us about being open to another’s experience.

  • The value of “I” statements over “You” statements

  • Withdrawing physically and emotionally during conflict vs. the skill of asking for a pause

  • Fight, flight, or freeze

  • The WWC framework: witness, witness, and collaborate

Resources and Links:

Connect with Lindley Gentile and Austin Couples Concierge: Website, Instagram, and book

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC 0:05

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. This is your host, KC Davis. This is the struggle care podcast, and I am really excited to have Len Lee Gentile back in the studio with me today. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is one of my best friends for a long time, and I still feel like I never know if I'm pronouncing your name, your married name, correctly, because you got married a few years ago. Yes, you are. It's beautiful. Okay, all right. Well, Lindley Gentile, I asked you to come on today because you have recently written this sort of like mini book, and it's called how to fight. What is it called? I'm very prepared, as you can tell.

    Lindley 0:57

    okay.

    KC 0:57

    So I've brought Lily on today because she has recently written a little mini ebook, and it's called How to have the best fight of your life, which I love the title of that. And I'm curious, like, as a marriage therapist, like, what led you to write this little book? Like, did you just because, to me as a therapist, the only time I've ever, like, gone to write down things is because it is something I have had to repeat to every single client over and over and over. And over and over. And I just wanted to be like, here read this. So I'm curious if something has come up. You just hit the nail on the head.

    Lindley 1:28

    It is the number one reason clients reach out for therapy, and they use it under the words, we need to learn how to better communicate. What they really mean is we need to learn how to talk about things that are uncomfortable. We don't know how to communicate about things that are uncomfortable, about opposing views, about uncomfortable emotions. And so my business partner, Jessica Worthington, and I, we've been doing this for a long time with couples, and we came up with this recipe that just works. It just works. And I started teaching clients, fighting is the way that you fall in love. What led you to fall in love in the beginning is you felt seen. You felt heard my partner gets me. That's what leads to love in the beginning, right? And when we don't know how to fight well, we don't know how to be seen well, we don't know how to validate our partners Well, which means we're not taking these opportunities to fall in love again and again and again. So yes, it'll save you from uncomfortable conversations now. But the real point in learning how to fight well is you want to continue to fall in love with your partner again and again and again over time. This is really making sense to me, because you fall in love because you come to someone and you don't know them, and then you get to know them, and you learn new things about them, and in that though you feel seen and accepted, but once you know someone and you know them, well, there is no new like novelty and Discovery, except when there's a disagreement,

    KC 3:21

    because those are really your prime opportunities to go, I don't get this. Let me go through the process of understanding you and seeing you and learning about you and then deciding to love what I see, which makes sense. That's

    Speaker 1 3:37

    a learned skill set, and I find that 99% of the couples that come to see me, they've not up leveled that skill set yet, right? We up level so many things in our lives. We up level the foods we eat, the drinks we drink, our investments, our careers, but we so rarely up level our tool set and marriage. And so most people are still fighting the very, I'm going to say, juvenile way, right? But it's just like the way that occurs to most humans, which is right or wrong, who is right, who is wrong, right? And so we get lost in trying to over explain ourselves and to justify why we did what we did, we get defensive, and that really robs us of this opportunity to be curious and learn about our partner.

    KC 4:33

    So you have, in your book, you have four ways that we are fighting wrong, like four ways we're doing it wrong, four ways we are, like, getting in our own way, and I want to kind of talk about that. So the first one is, you say ignoring the problem. And I love that this is what you start with, because I do think that there's this idea that, Oh, we never fight, so we must be good because we never conflict, so that must be a good relationship, right? But how many times is it that we're actually just. Uh, avoiding issues and burying things and just harboring resentment or, like, not having boundaries. Like, is that kind of what you were alluding to

    Speaker 1 5:08

    there? Yeah, it's most people have gotten it into their minds. The most common analogy I hear, it feels like I am an attorney who's going to have to give a closing argument, and I've got to get my facts correct and my data in line, and I've got to get all my points and, you know, Cross my T's and.my i's and before I kind of sit down with my partner and tell them why I did what I did or defend what I did, and that is so overwhelming to me that I would prefer to sweep the problem under the rug and move on. That's just easier. Let me

    KC 5:42

    tell you that that really resonates with me. I think it especially resonates with people who are partnered with someone who is smarter than them,

    Lindley 5:52

    or just better at arguing. Yeah, I

    KC 5:53

    guess that's what I mean. I don't mean smart like, I'm a smart person and I'm good at arguing. Michael is better. Is an attorney. He is, like, gifted IQ, like he is always going to out argue me, just on, like, the points and the closing argument, or whatever, whatever. And so I do feel that temptation of like, I would honestly just rather say I'm sorry for something that isn't even my fault so we can reconcile the relationship and move on. Because I'm overwhelmed with the idea of having to, like, in PowerPoint presentation, closing argument together in such a water tight way that he can't poke you know what I mean? And like, so I do. I don't even sometimes bother to, like, bring something up that actually matters to me.

    Speaker 1 6:33

    And here's the thing, we are no longer going to have to present a closing argument, because the point of arguing in this new up leveled way is witnessing one another. It's not about right or wrong. There isn't such thing as a right or wrong. There are always many realities that live side by side. So when you can get out of this idea of right or wrong and move into the point of this argument is actually witnessing one another. You no longer have to gather that closing argument. So

    KC 7:07

    that really helps me on the flip side of it, because, you know, it's funny, like when I talk about, okay, Michael can out argue me, but at the same time, like I can out argue many of my friends and family members. So like, people have told me the same thing about me. It's like, I don't want to tell you something bothered me because we have to have an inquisition about it. And in my head, though, I'm not thinking I need to be right, what I'm thinking is I'm happy to believe the truth, but like, you're gonna have to demonstrate it to me. And so I'm pushing back really hard, not even necessarily because I'm trying to be like a butt head, but because I'm like, but you're not making the case. Well, how can I switch my opinion if you're not making the case? Of course, I care about you, but like, you're not making the case. And my poor friend is just like, I'm it's just exhausted, Casey, I don't know like, and so for me, when I'm that person hearing that, my job isn't to change my mind or to like accept their reality over mine, but is just to witness their reality. Also helps me when I'm the person that is like doing too much of the closing argument, if that makes sense,

    Speaker 1 8:15

    absolutely, we want to move people away from finding a singular truth, and instead understanding that many truths can hold hands, the point is not finding the one truth, it's witnessing all the truths that live side by side.

    KC 8:37

    So then your second tip really hit me between the eyes. Okay, this is the next mistake that people make. You say, offering additional information to clarify what really happened. If they only knew X, they wouldn't be so upset. And it's you say, although this may be true, they will not be able to integrate the information you are offering until they feel heard. I always think this, and this is also why, like, we'll have a disagreement, and the disagreement would be over. But then I'll get to my bedroom and I'll be like, but wait a second, and I'll think of my next point, and I'll like, barge back in over and over, because I really do think, like, Wait, if I just give you this one more piece of information about, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever. And that one really struck me, like, this urge, or almost compulsion, to clarify, clarify, clarify. And I get stuck with this. Like, okay, if you're not understanding me, I must just not be like, saying it clear enough. So let me say it harder, louder, clearer. Like, yes,

    Speaker 1 9:33

    I heard this story once on the internet. It was such a great analogy. The man was talking about, imagine you walk up on your partner or a loved one or a friend, and they're currently drowning in a body of water, and they are in crisis mode. They're going, they're bobbing up and down, and you're saying, didn't you read the rules on this sign? Let me read the. Rules to you, had you have known the rules, you wouldn't be in this situation. And don't you know that it's not smart to swim after 10pm Surely, if you understand that it's not good to swim at dark, you wouldn't be in this situation. Meanwhile, our partner, right? They don't need more facts. They actually don't need any of that data. They don't need you to recount any of that to them. They would like you to see that they are struggling and to throw them a life raft at best. All right, your

    KC 10:28

    next tip is have a grown up tantrum. And I feel like you put this so well, because as someone who just wrote a whole book about relationships, I was struggling to put this in the succinct of a way, and you basically just say, yeah, like having a grown up tantrum, yelling, name calling, pouting, they won't lead to a mature relationship, and they won't evoke the admiration of your partner. God, that sentence is so powerful. It's like it's not effective. It's not only not effective in changing someone's mind, but like, the way that it wears down the trust and admiration when we lash out like that,

    Speaker 1 11:02

    absolutely I like the word admiration. I also want to use the word attraction. We often think it's our job. It's our partner's job to remain attracted to us. It's their job to remain attracted to me. It's their job to admire me. It's their job to respect me. I like to think it's my job to be admirable. It's my job to be respectful. It's my job to be attractive so that my partner wants to draw near me. It's really hard to expect our partners to maintain the desire to want to draw near us when that's what we're modeling

    KC 11:44

    when we're shitty, to be near Correct, yeah, okay, I love that. And then their last one is toxic positivity. So talk to us about that. Yeah.

    Speaker 1 11:55

    Well, you and I had many discussions about this, but I actually believe that the point of an emotion is to give you a gift. It is to give you direction and information on where to go next in life and how to advocate for your needs. If you expect to only feel comfortable ones, right? I only want to there's a spectrum of emotions, but I only want to stay on this end, happy, silly, playful, and I only want my partner to be happy, silly, playful. We are not answering the door for many, many other important messengers, right? We can still gifts from pain, shame, anxiousness, anger. They're all here to give us really important data. The most mentally healthy people allow themselves to feel all the emotions on the spectrum, right? We don't want to just focus on those super pleasant ones. We want to welcome even the unpleasant because they have a very important purpose in our life. They're like a GPS. They direct us where to go next. And Dr Susan, David, she's an incredible writer. She's an amazing TED talk. Um, she says, you know, the price of admission to a meaningful life is being uncomfortable. It's feeling those uncomfortable emotions. So if we know that they create meaning and they give us gifts, why would we want to shut them down in our partner or rob our partner of having that experience, and why would we want to shut them down on ourselves?

    KC 13:27

    Yeah, that's good. Okay, so I said four. I know the list is more than four. There's like six other ones here, but you'll have to go get the ebook to read the rest of them, because I want to ask some questions. Moving on to sort of like solutions, right? So, okay, those are some strategies that don't work. Of course, there are more of them, but I want to kind of move into this idea of witnessing. Can you talk to us about, like, where, how that's different than how a lot of us go into you mentioned like, like, how do like shifting from, you know, who's right? Let's prove it to each other to witnessing. What does that transition look

    Speaker 1 14:03

    like? Absolutely. Let me start with a story. It's an old fable that I think will really help people understand witnessing. There is an old, ancient fable about an elephant, a village who has never experienced an elephant. They can see an elephant coming from a very far distance through the forest and a group of brothers. They're adventurers. They say, Hey, how about we go check out the elephant in the forest and we'll report back to the village what an elephant is like. The three brothers take off for the forest. What's important to know about the three brothers is that they're without sight, so they are exploring the elephant, taking in, you know, with their hands and sensory information. And one of the brothers says an elephant is exactly like a long thin rope, just like a long thin rope. And brother number two begins yelling at him, that is not the truth. The truth is that the elephant. Is like a sturdy tree trunk. And they're going back and forth about who has the right truth. And the third brother comes in and says, You guys are idiots. An elephant is like a thin paper fan. So obviously, what's happening is we have one brother at the tell, one at the trunk, one at the ear. Everybody is screaming about who has the truth. And in reality, everybody has a piece of the truth, but it takes curiosity and it takes openness to hear what the partner is experiencing to get the complete truth right. So I always ask people to embrace this fable of the elephant and remember that multiple realities are true at once. It depends on your childhood, right? It depends on your life experiences, and if you're at the tail or the trunk or the ear, what information you're taking in. But when you can be curious about how do I talk about the ear and also witness my partner explaining the tell, because when we have both of these parts, then we have a more complete truth. So that

    KC 16:07

    makes sense to me. I want to kind of explore a connected sort of part to that. That you talk about is you talk about using I statements. And I feel like this is one of those, like old therapy advices about, you know, like, always use I statements, nobody can make you feel anything. And it's one of those advices that, like, I think has some really important truth, but it's been so over prescribed that people's eyes kind of glaze over. So can you talk about, like, what is the real purpose of using the I statements, like, what does that mean? Are there ways that we can, like, Use I statements that, like, kind of defeats the purpose and like, what really is the heart or the intention of that? So first explain what it is, in case someone doesn't know, sure. So

    Speaker 1 16:53

    let's just talk about the elephant, right? An I statement is, I am experiencing a long, thin rope. I can't possibly tell my partner what they are experiencing. They're at a different part of the elephant that wouldn't be productive. I don't know what they're experiencing. I actually need to open my ears to know that, right? So that's what it is, is we only say the word I I felt embarrassed when this statement was said. We do not say You humiliated me when you made that joke, right? So we only want to talk about the part of the elephant we are personally experiencing. So we say the word I now throw away all the old therapy language, and just think about it like this, when we say the word you, we unintentionally activate our partners amygdala. It's the part of their brain that wants to defend, defend, defend, defend, defend. Okay, so we just immediately and subconsciously, we're not aware of it, and they're not aware of it, but immediately our partners defense system will come online, and they will now have no choice but to defend when we say, I am experiencing this, I am feeling this, I am noticing this, it actually triggers The part of our partner's brain that wants to care give and wants to step closer to us. So we're inviting them to come closer when we use you statements, you did this, and this was your reality, and this is why you did it. We are inviting them to push away.

    KC 18:40

    And, you know, one of the things that I appreciate about I statements, that I think has gotten lost when it comes to pop psychology is that people envision that when you use I statements, that it basically like, permits mistreatment and abuse. Because, like, you know that I think the first thing that comes up is like, Okay, but what if they were, like, purposefully humiliating me? And I'm trying to point out that, like, that's not okay behavior yet, like, but to me, what I have noticed is that, like, best case scenario, right? Let's say I'm at a dinner party and my husband makes a joke, and he thinks he's being funny. He thinks that this is going to be light hearted, and it really embarrasses me. Best case scenario, me saying I was really embarrassed, like you said that because he loves me, that clicks in this caregiving, like, oh my god, the person I love is in pain, and it allows him to go, oh gosh, I participated in that pain, and I didn't mean to, and I'm so sorry, but if I say like, you embarrass me. Even though he loves me, even though he's a good man, and even though I know he has the maturity and the skills to hear past that and put his defensiveness down, he's still going to feel that like, oh gosh, she's against. And it kicks in his own, like, I want to be loved, she's going to reject me. And I'm not saying like, Oh, it's my responsibility to take care of that stuff for her, but I'm just saying, like, best case scenario, this is a person that I love who loves me, and I know that I can help them hear me by using this language, and that will allow us to come closer. Now it even works in the worst case scenario, because what if I'm married to someone who is genuinely malicious, and they knew they were saying something to humiliate me, and it was maybe even like the language they used, no court of law in the land would ever be like, there's no way he didn't intend to humiliate you, even in that scenario, if I lead with you, purposefully humiliated me. I have now put us exactly where he wants us to be, which is in a you prove it, I prove it. You're always coming after me. You always do like I'm setting up the kind of conflict that a malicious person is very good at having, very good at manipulating, very good at gaslighting through but like, if I say I was so embarrassed when you said that, and I have laid myself out vulnerably and said I'm in pain, and his reaction to that is, well, that's your fault. That tells me everything I need to know about this person's character. There's nothing I can do to, like, force them to care about my pain, no matter how much, like you said, clarifying information I give. But it's just a powerful boundaries, because he, if he's malicious, if he's manipulative, he's gonna try and drag me into those conflicts. Well, you're just too sensitive, maybe, but it really, really hurt me. Well, that's not my fault. Didn't say it was I said it really, really embarrassed me. Well, all I'm doing, you know, you always do this. I don't know what that means, but I'm just saying, like, if you keep it on the subject of, I'm not even saying what you did didn't motive. Like, I'm not even saying any of that stuff to, like, throw us into this big fight. I'm literally just restating I was really hurt by that, and you watch them flounder on the line of being incapable of empathy, of being unwilling to be loving, and there's nothing they can do, you've literally just held up this mirror, and that way, it is more powerful to address things that are obviously malicious by not going there and staying on the I statements, I

    Speaker 1 22:28

    agree wholeheartedly. We're either going to lead ourselves to a productive conflict or we're going to reveal information about our partner that we desperately need anyways to make some tough decisions.

    KC 22:41

    Yeah, it's like we're either gonna lead ourselves to a productive resolution or we're gonna lead ourselves to a productive non resolution. Yes, that's the power of i statements like I refuse to be thrown into other arguments, to where by the time we're done arguing, I don't even know what we've started talking about, and we never actually address you know what I mean? So I just, man, I really, like when you really do understand the purpose of the i statement, it's really much more powerful than what pop psychology has made it about. You know? Well, I can't make you feel anything. Didn't say you could. I just said that I did. And in fact, most of the time when you make jokes about me, I feel that same

    Lindley 23:19

    way. I wholeheartedly agree.

    KC 23:21

    So like, one of your mistakes that we make is withdrawing physically or emotionally during an argument. So like, we hang up the phone, or we walk away or whatever, but then later you talk about the skill of asking for a pause, because maybe, like, our brains really activated, and I'm wondering if you could explain kind of the difference between one of those, like, basically, like, one of those things being a mistake, but the other one being like a tool, sure.

    Speaker 1 23:46

    So one of the foundations that we ask you to have in place before you use our conflict recipe. You know, we've talked about multiple realities. We've talked about I statements. The other really important ingredient is having the full brain system online. We have a part of the brain called the amygdala that is constantly scanning for danger now, because we no longer live in the age of saber tooth tigers chasing us. Our brain, our amygdala, is quite bored, right? And when it picks up on any sense of danger, so now it may just be a partner who's unhappy with us, we immediately go into fight or flight. Fight, flight, freeze, Bond, right? This is survival responses. What happens is our frontal lobe tends to power down the blood flow that would have gone to our frontal lobe begins to go to other areas of our body to help us fight, flight or freeze. This is not a good time to have a productive conflict if we don't have access to logical brain. This is when we say things we don't mean, like Fu and your mom and the horse she rode in on. And I wish I would have never right. No, we don't have access to logical thought. We are currently. At an elevated heart rate, we're focusing on defending or shutting down. This is not an appropriate time when we sense this with ourselves or our partner. The best thing we can do is take a break right now. The way we do that incorrectly is saying, Peace out. I'm out of here, and we get into our car and disappear. That can feel like abandonment to our partner. They may interpret that as my partner doesn't care about my pain. They don't care about this issue that's important to me, and they're running away instead, if we can say my brain flipped right. I'm in fight or flight, whatever you want to call it, right? Like I had a couple one time who used to say pickles. I don't know why, but that was the word pickles. Like I'm there. I'm at a place where I don't have access to my logical brain. If we find a way to communicate that to our partners, hey, I'm not in a place I don't have access to my brain, right? I need to step away. I care about this. I'll come back. Right? Let them know when you're going to come back. I'm going to be really honest. I've been teaching this for 11 years. I need 24 hours period. I am not the type of person that can ground myself instantly and be able to keep my brain online and talk about the conflict. I need 12 hours. 24 hours. In really difficult cases, I need 48

    Lindley 26:34

    and it was hard for my husband to get on board with that in the beginning, I would say, I need to step away. I'm not in a place where I can have, you know, productive conflict. I've lost my logical brain. I'm gonna go lay down. Let's talk about this tomorrow. Let's reconvene. I do care about it. And I would go into our room, and he would march right behind me and open the door up and say, No, we're gonna finish this right now. Right? So it's really letting your partner know I care. I've got to pause. We are going to do this later. I find that most people need 24 hours. It is okay to go to bed angry. I don't know what crazy person invented that stupid line of, never go to bed. Angry. Me. I'm like, always, always go to bed angry. Get some sleep. Let the blood flow return to your logical center. Talk about it the next day when you have access to your full brain, or when your partner has access to your full brain, this is not a one night stand. They're not going anywhere. You're married or you're in a committed relationship, right? You've got plenty of time to work this out. And I say, you know, as long as we've come back to the table within 48 hours or so, I think that that's a good timeline.

    KC Davis 27:52

    I like that. Okay, so then explain to us what your process is for witnessing? Yeah,

    Speaker 1 28:02

    we like to tell people WWC, witness, witness, collaborate. Okay, so there is a story in the book about a pair of clients who, just like you said, they were at a dinner party, and the husband cracked a joke about their sex life, like, Hey, we've got little kids, our sex life is is in the toilet, like, it's terrible. And then he made some sort of joke, and everybody at the dinner party starts laughing, and the wife

    KC 28:33

    is humiliated, right? The typical way humiliation shows up is anger and rage, right? We know that, right? The outward expression of humiliation is often anger. So she's pissed, the kind of pissed where you leave your body, you're so angry, right? She's like, dissociated from her body now, but she's using our principles, and she knows now is not a good time to talk about it. I don't have all the brain systems online. I'm gonna go home, we're gonna go to bed, I'm gonna shower, I'll bring it up tomorrow. So at about noon the next day, she has all of her brain systems online, and she starts the process, WWC, witness, witness, collaborate. And she says, Hey baby, I just want to let you know that I felt really humiliated when this comment was said last night.

    Speaker 1 29:20

    Okay, she never said the word you. She started it out beautifully with her I statement. Now, husband knows we're going to start the recipe now, witness, witness, collaborate, and he says, baby, oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I see that you're embarrassed, right? So the first thing we want to do we witness someone is just like, mirror back, mirror back. What you hear? Oh, my goodness, you're embarrassed. Oh my goodness, you're humiliated, right? He is seeing her. He is hearing her. I always tell people ask a question so that they really feel hurt. He asked the question. What part of the elephant are you at? Right? Like, what are you experiencing? Explain it to me, that's, that's what he's doing there. So she is able to say what I'm experiencing is I felt embarrassed because it felt like maybe it was my fault that our sex life is struggling, when, in reality, I think it's the season of life we're at. We've got small babies, and the schedule is hard for both of us. And he says, I hear you. I see you. He repeats back to her, what he heard, is there anything else you want me to know? And she says, No, I feel seen. I feel heard. And he says, Okay, would it be possible for you to witness me now? And she says, Absolutely. And he says, Okay, so this is the part of the elephant I was at, right? I was really worried about our friends. We know they're having a super tough time in their marriage. They feel very isolated. They feel like they're broken. I thought if I could throw ourselves under the bus a little bit, that maybe they would feel more normal, and they would feel like they're not in this struggle, season alone. And so, you know, the wife witnessed him. Oh, baby, that big heart of yours, right? Like I can tell you were trying to use that big heart of yours. What was your biggest hope or what was your biggest goal there, right? And he says, I just want to save their marriage, like I want them to know they're not in this alone. Don't give up. And she's like, Oh, baby, I had no idea. That's why you made the joke, right? So now he feels seen. He feels understood. We have now witnessed each other. We had very different realities. Both realities walked side by side. We didn't need to figure out a singular truth or a right or a wrong. There was no closing argument that need to be had. It was two people who were curious, what are you experiencing? What are you experiencing? And now they said, collaborate, right? WWC, what do we do moving forward, knowing that you really love to help people feel normal, and then I really feel sensitive about this topic of sex. And he said, Well, you know what? Like, how about we throw ourselves under the bus in, like, lots of areas, but maybe not the sex area, right? Like, maybe until we fully work through this one ourselves, we kind of keep this one private. And she said, Baby, I would love that. That would make me feel really respected and supported. Immediately after that, they were like, Hey, let's meet up for lunch, right? Let's go meet up for lunch and let's hang out. They had a wonderful lunch together before they up, leveled their conflict skills. This is what it would have sounded like. She would have come home that night, right? And she would have been furious, rageful, embarrassed, angry You embarrassed me. How dare you make a joke about our sex lives right now, right? This would have triggered his amygdala, his fight or flight, and he would have immediately gone into a defensive state. You're so sensitive. You're always so sensitive. I'm sure everyone else there laughed. Why can't you laugh? Right? And now we would have been off to the races back and forth about who was right, who was wrong, who's sensitive, who

    KC 33:24

    you always do this.

    Speaker 1 33:25

    You always do this right, which would have turned into an explosion. They would have gone to bed, you know, not speaking, and then likely would have not spoken for the next day or two, until finally, one of them cracked a joke and they just moved on. Would have happened is they would have missed the opportunity to fall in love. They would have missed the opportunity to see and hear each other.

    KC 33:50

    I love that that's really helpful. And I really like the way, you know, in the little book, or whatever you lay out, like very specifically what words you can use, and what steps you can take to do this process, which, you know, maybe not everybody wants to use, you know, an exact formula, but I think for a lot of people, that kind of formula is really, really helpful.

    Speaker 1 34:11

    Yes, absolutely. To me, if I have a few sentences that I can grab onto in the beginning until the concept really absorbs. I know that that helps me a lot. So I wanted to give people like, hey, try these few phrases that seem to work really well. Just start here.

    KC 34:32

    That's awesome. So if people want to download this, where can they go to find it? Do you guys have a website?

    Speaker 1 34:39

    I think the easiest way to find the book is to visit our website, Austin couples concierge.com, we also are relaunching our Instagram. Austin couples concierge, it'll be in the bio there, and they can follow the link and download it at home. They can do this. They can practice this from the comfort of their home. Oh. Awesome.

    KC 35:00

    Well, thank you so much for your time, and as always, it's been such a great conversation. Thank

    Lindley 35:05

    you. You.

Christy Haussler
118: OCD in Children: When it’s More than Anxiety with Natasha Daniels

Today’s episode will be helpful for all parents—and for anyone who has ever been a child. We are discussing OCD, specifically in children, with Natasha Daniels. She has been an anxiety and OCD child therapist for over two decades. As the mother of three kids with anxiety and OCD, her passion and perspective is both professional and personal. Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

  • OCD differs from general anxiety and requires very specific therapies.

  • Signs of OCD, a diverse, idiosyncratic disorder that shows up differently for each person

  • In children, a common sign of OCD is the tendency to ask theme-based, repetitive questions.

  • Is it anxiety or OCD? 

  • Autism and OCD: Comfort/coping skills or compulsion?

  • When does my child need professional help? How do I know?

  • OCD or nervous tics?

  • A discussion of mental health issues in families, social anxiety, neuroplasticity, and addiction

  • Finding “the sweet spot” as a parent (so as not to coddle but not fuel anxiety)

  • The best approach: parents can refuse to participate in the “overblownness” and drama while not being dismissive

  • The wisdom in coaching our kids

Resources and Links:

Connect with Natasha Daniels: Website (find resources, courses, podcast episodes, and more)

OCD Resources: International OCD Foundation and Treat My OCD

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music. Hello, you Cynthia balls of stardust, you little OCD weirdos. I say that with affection, of course, because today we're going to talk about OCD. And specifically we're going to talk about OCD in children. And if you are a parent, this is going to be a good episode. And you know what? If you're not a parent, but you've ever been a child, you're going to want to listen to this one too. We're going to talk about OCD today with Natasha. Daniels, Natasha, thank you for being here.

    Natasha Daniels 0:29

    Oh, thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Yeah, okay,

    KC Davis 0:32

    so introduce yourself. Tell us why you know about this subject. Well,

    Natasha Daniels 0:36

    clinically, I am an anxiety and OCD child therapist. I have been for two decades, so I feel really old. I think more importantly, I actually have three kids with anxiety and OCD, and so it's something that I live with as a parent. So I wear both hats.

    KC Davis 0:50

    I love that I always feel like that's kind of the perfect that's like the clinician I want. Like I want the personal and I want the clinical, because they both bring something really important, and they both bring something that the other side can't bring by itself. Totally

    Natasha Daniels 1:05

    Yeah. You want someone who gets it and knows how hard it is, yeah?

    KC Davis 1:08

    So when we chatted before the recording, one of the things that you're really passionate about is talking about the distinction between OCD and just kind of general anxiety or anxiety that may be coming from other sources, and tell me why it is you think that is so important that we kind of pull out OCD as something distinct.

    Natasha Daniels 1:32

    It's so important. I'm glad you're starting with this, because I think it's so so important because the therapeutic approach is different, and if you treat OCD as if it's anxiety, and you go to a regular general practitioner and they try, like cognitive behavioral therapy or some other approaches, it's not going to work with someone with OCD. And in fact, with cognitive behavioral therapy can actually make it worse with general CBT. And so you want very specific ERP exposure response prevention, which is a type of CBT, not to throw acronyms at you, like, right from the get go, but that's important. Yeah.

    KC Davis 2:07

    And, you know, a lot of my I think it's hard as when thinking as adults, right? Like, when you're an adult looking back at your life and you're kind of trying to figure out, like, Hey, where's all this stuff coming from for me, it's so difficult as an adult, because by then you have so much life experience, you probably have some traumas thrown in there. And I've just never met, I don't know that I've ever met somebody had, like, one thing going on, right? Like, Sure, maybe they are autistic, but they also have ADHD, and there's some trauma, and, you know, maybe the world around them is burning and like, it's just, there's just so much going on. And, you know, I wouldn't say that it's totally easy with kids, but at least earlier in life, there are fewer factors to consider, and there's so much anxiety that I think just comes from living if you're disabled, if you're neuro divergent, if you have mental health issues, if you are, you know, from a marginalized community, if you are a woman, if you are living in late stage capitalism. I mean, there's just so many reasons, and some of them very valid, to feel anxious. And so it makes sense that when we're looking at our kids and we're going, Okay, well, my kid is really anxious, and they're also ADHD, so maybe it's that, or, well, maybe they're autistic, or maybe it's that, or is this just social anxiety, or is this a normal development, like, sometimes I feel like I go too much the opposite way, like it's normal for a kid to feel some anxiety at certain developmental ages, right? So I guess my question is, you know, what would be, kind of some of the signs that I as a parent would be looking for that should not necessarily be, oh, this is definitely OCD, but should sort of, like, turn that curiosity on. For me,

    Natasha Daniels 3:53

    it's interesting, because I feel like out of all the disorders that you can have, especially in childhood, OCD is the oddball where it's like, it's very clear to see it when you know what to look for, versus, you know, fleshing out the differences between, you know, autistic behavior or ADHD behavior and OCD. Then when you get into the CO occurring struggles, then it gets a little bit trickier. I have kids with multiple co occurring things going on. And my son and I always argue, he'll be like, That's my ADHD. And I'm like, I think that's OCD. We actually had a huge argument last night about that, and I was like, we could just agree to disagree. Yeah, he knows his brain, but I am a therapist, so but the different like the signs that you might see when you're looking at your child's behavior is and it is hard to say, because OCD is such a diverse, idiosyncratic disorder that shows up differently for each person, and so I think that is one of the reasons why it's missed. Most people don't get diagnosed. It can take 17 years to get a diagnosis in the right treatment, because it's so hard if you're not trained and had a cocd, but on a very general term, like if you see a child doing. Uh, repetitive behavior, because compulsions can tend to be repetitive and not purpose filled, right? So if your child's like going through a door, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, we obviously know the stereotypes of washing their hands or lighting things up, but I want to talk about some non stereotypical ones that are super common but get missed in in the media that involve the parent. This one gets missed a lot. So if your child's asking you questions on a loop, and you're like, oh my gosh, like, it's kind of, I always say, like, the pull your hair out moment where you're like, we've already, I've asked this, I've answered this, like, 300 times, and you're coming back for more. So it might look like, you know, Mom, I touched the clock, swipes, and then I wipe the sink down, and then I rinse my hands, and then I touch my mouth. Is that poisonous? Mom, I touched a plan outside and, you know, like, so it's all these kind of questions that are either reassurance seeking or checking, seeking. I thought that I might have gossiped about my friend the other day. Is that doesn't make me a bad person, and our kids are going to ask these questions. But then it's the intensity, and it's the lack of satiation, you know, like they're not getting anything from the conversation. It's almost like you're talking to a wall. And so I would look for those kind of things. So

    KC Davis 6:06

    let me ask you a couple questions on those kind of pop up for me. So like, what about because I think a lot of kids will do this sort of, like, asking question over and over when it comes to, like, wanting something. So it's like, Hey, I'm hungry. And, you know, maybe it takes you 10 minutes to put something together, but they're asking three times, I'm hungry. Are you getting me food? I'm hungry. But is that? Can that be developmentally like, distinguish whether it's kind of an impulse control? I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Are you making it? I'm hungry. Are you making it? Yes,

    Natasha Daniels 6:33

    that is a great a great distinction, because, yeah, kids can nag you, or they can be impulsive or impatient. They're normally when it's OCD, it's theme based. So you'll start to notice a theme like, wow, they're always asking me questions about if they've done something bad, or they're always asking me questions if something is poisonous, or they're always asking me questions if I wash my hands. Like you'll start to if you really pay attention initially, they seem like worry based questions, yes for the most part, yeah. And the other thing is, they typically want something from you, not the sandwich or whatever you're making, but they want a specific response, like you might say, I love you. And they'll say, No, you have to say, I love you too, you know. And they'll almost re script what you need to say, or how you or if you throw it back with, like, an ambiguous response, like, let's just use the Clorox wipes as an example. If you say, I'm sure it's okay, right? Like, just, you know you're busy, and you're like, I'm sure it's okay, that would not satisfy the OCD, typically. And so they might say, No, Mom, is it okay? And so you kind of get that push back. They're wanting to hear something specific. It can show up in all different ways. I'm just using examples, but it can look different.

    KC Davis 7:48

    What about like if you get asked, let's say you're getting pancakes, and your kid says, Don't put the whipped cream on until the pancakes have cooled down, otherwise it'll melt. You're like, Sure. And then you go, and you get the whipped cream from the thing, and you're walking over just now, remember, don't put the Like, you don't know where it's the same question, but it's almost like, it's like, okay, well, I clearly have remembered that you said it 30 seconds

    Natasha Daniels 8:12

    ago. No, I think that is, like, just anticipatory anxiety. Like, please don't do that. Like, I'm gonna freak out if you do that. Yeah. And for me, like, I think when it's OCD, intuitively, a parent will know the difference, like, you'll feel it, it's like It's nonsensical, versus those things of, like, I'm anxious. Did you do this? Because when you're talking to anxiety, like when your child is anxious, and I have kids with both issues, and so I can tell who I'm talking to, you know, the anxiety or the OCD. And so when it's anxiety, like, I feel like we can move forward. I'll try to give you some examples. Like, Well, I

    KC Davis 8:45

    think what comes to me, sort of intuitively, is that it seems like anxiety can be soothed, like, by by an emotional response, whereas, like, what I know about OCD, and I guess probably good to clarify for people at home, like, the reason it's called obsessive compulsive disorder is that actually the obsessions and the compulsions are two different aspects of it, right? And the obsession is whatever the belief is that isn't reasonable, but it's sort of impervious to logic, right? And then the compulsion refers to the action that one takes as a response to the obsession, either to try and manage it or to quell it, or to satisfy it, or whatever, right Would you say that's mostly accurate? So when we have a kid maybe asking about like, Are you sure it's not poisonous? Are you sure it's not poisonous? I kind of hear you saying that like a kid that just experiences some anxiety can be soothed, even if they need lots of soothing by like an attuned emotional response that not necessarily the words I'm using or that I'm saying the exact right thing, but that I'm just kind of being attuned and that helps, whereas a kid with OCD really needs, almost like they need me to participate in the ritual of specific words or specific reassurance. Businesses that don't seem to ever actually reassure they just seem to, like, put a pin in it for the moment because it's going to

    Natasha Daniels 10:06

    come back. Yeah, yes, that's a really great way to describe it.

    KC Davis 10:10

    And how do we because a lot of this also is sounding like kids on the spectrum, like, how do we distinguish between some of those, like, repetitive and restrictive behaviors that we might see with an autistic kid. How do we know whether that's their autism or whether it's just OCD, or maybe an autistic kid can have OCD, and how do we distinguish that?

    Natasha Daniels 10:33

    Yeah, and unfortunately, a lot of autistic kids have OCD. And so it does get really sticky when you get into the weeds, and then, on a general level, typically, that rigid, repetitive behavior, or stimming behavior that you see in autistic kids is comforting to them. There is like this comfort, like, I want this routine, I want my red cup. I want to go this way, compulsions. And even in autistic kids, that repetitive behavior is not comforting long term, like there's distress in it, there's like, this overwhelm in it. And so you can start to see the nuance and the difference. One is comfort and a coping skill, and the other one is a compulsion. And it's

    KC Davis 11:10

    that's an interesting that's an interesting distinction that I think is really helpful. So when you have a kid that's saying, like, No Mom, say these words, because we know that, like, scripting can happen with autistic kids too, but it sounds like you're saying, like, long term, we should be able to kind of clue in as to whether you know the restrictive behavior is like, what I know about autism is that if an autistic child can have their repetitive behavior, It kind of stabilizes them in a lot of ways. But does a compulsion have a stabilizing effect on a kid with OCD in

    Natasha Daniels 11:49

    the short term? Yes, and this is why it gets very confusing, because let's say you have a child who has just right OCD themes that one gets really confusing because just right and disgust themes are not fear based. They're feeling based. And so the fear is I won't be able to handle the discomfort of it not feeling just right, or I won't be able to handle the feeling of it feeling disgusting for me. And so those get missed a lot, and I think there is overlap. But when someone, let's just say someone has just right OCD themes, and you say something to them, but it didn't feel just right, they'll be like, No, say it again, and then you repeat it, and they're like, no, no, mom, like, you have to say it this way. You repeat it again. And there's escalation in, like, getting it to feel just right. And you'll know, I'm on a loop with them all the time where haven't raised an autistic child. So here's my like, caveat and disclaimer, and it's not my specialty, but certainly there's so many people in my community who are raising autistic kids, and the number keeps going up just because of the overlap. But I don't think you're gonna get that stuckness. Like there are people who can get stuck for hours with their kids on these loops that they can't escape, and the child explodes or implodes because they're not getting that satisfaction, because OCD is like, Nope, it didn't, it didn't feel just right. You have to say it again.

    KC Davis 13:09

    Well. And I wonder, even if, like, if a parent's listening and they're going, Okay, I know my kids on the spectrum, but it sounds like some of this stuff's going on. I wonder if, though, like, what the point you made at the beginning, where you said, like, OCD needs a different kind of intervention. I wonder if, at the end of the day, whether or not it is OCD or autism, if it's looking that similar, I wonder if that's the important thing to know, that perhaps an OCD intervention would be worth looking at to help an autistic child that is experiencing a lot of distress from a repetitive behavior, not necessarily like, oh, we need them to stop and look normal, but if they themselves are experiencing anxiety and distress, perhaps it's true that an autistic child experiencing that kind of distressful repetitive behavior does not need, as you said, a sort of like cognitive behavioral therapy, normal anxiety approach. But perhaps it would be worth looking at. Not so much. Oh, we have to know. We must know in black and white, is it OCD, but more? Hmm, this looks so much like it. Let's get curious about whether these kind of interventions would be helpful also, yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 14:23

    definitely. If it's causing distress and it's impacting their daily functioning, then that rigidity isn't serving them, and that would be something to look at. And how can they handle discomfort? Or how can they handle flexibility, which then it does overlap, because really, that is the ultimate goal with OCD treatment, is sitting with the discomfort and not scratching the itch. Now,

    KC Davis 14:41

    let me ask you another thing. How do we distinguish between OCD and maybe nervous tics? Like one of the things that happened to me when I was young was when my parents were going through a divorce, I developed, like some vocal tics, and I developed some almost. Was like, I guess compulsions around like, Okay, I've turned the light three times. I need to turn it till it feels right, or I need to. There were some other ones, but I had this little vocal tic where was like, and I wasn't doing it. I was doing it kind of subconsciously. It very much had to do with, there's a feeling that it feels like it's going to hit the spot. If I do it and it's not quite doing it, I have to kind of do it till it does. And they didn't persist through childhood. It happened in kind of like that space there. But it did have that similar I guess, when you were talking about the just right one, that kind of almost like, threw me back to like, Okay, I've done it on the left side. Now I have to do it on the right side. And I have to just kind of sit here and I have to just kind of sit here and do this until it feels right. Yeah. And I'm curious if those are related, or if, you know, there's kind of a spot here for, you know how to kind of ticks and those sort of things go into this. They

    Natasha Daniels 15:54

    are related. I mean, ticks can be co occurring, can be a co occurring condition with OCD, but there is something called toretic OCD, which actually is kind of ticks and OCD combining, and it's exactly what you just described. It's having that urge, that impulse to do, to have a tick, which is kind of automatic, but then OCD kind of hijacking that and saying you have to do it until it feels just right, or you have to do, you know, putting the OCD angle into it where there's intention, because tics, in and of themselves, are typically unrelated to thoughts or feelings. They just happen in your body. Sometimes you can suppress them, or you can have therapy to kind of work with them, but they are happening automatically. And a lot of kids with OCD have tics and that come and go and are transient, touretic. OCD is something different. It's exactly what you described

    KC Davis 16:42

    well, and I know probably a lot of neurodivergent kids may perhaps that have some echo Lolly like it might look like ticks just because they're kind of repeating. I'm curious if like, and I can't recall a lot of DSM criteria like, the real difference maker is that like creates clinically significant distress. Is OCD one of those, yes,

    Natasha Daniels 17:06

    like, if you look at the side box and you're looking at the criteria, it is really based on how disruptive it is in your life and your thoughts.

    KC Davis 17:13

    So we could be seeing maybe some of these things in our kids. I'm thinking about my parents looking at me during the divorce. I'm going and, you know, the lights. But I will say that although I relate on some levels to that feeling of just right, just right, just right, it wasn't like I could suppress it and it, I can honestly say it never got to a clinically significant level of distress for me. It wasn't, you know, it was kind of annoying to suppress it, but it wasn't something that was super disruptive. And so I always think that's important to say, because I think, you know, with our kids, like we might notice some things here and there, but it doesn't necessarily mean, oh my gosh, okay, my kid has OCD. It really does, as with many, many, many of the diagnoses, like, have to do with whether that it's creating a significant distress in that child,

    Natasha Daniels 18:04

    yeah. And, you know, some of us have that genetic seed and it just doesn't fully sprout, you know? I mean, I feel like, you know, well, anxiety, OCD, mental health issues are just rampant in my family, and I remember being a little kid and my pinky toe had to, like, I had to move my pinky toe every time I was in between a driveway, or if we were on the highway and there were lights, and I don't know, and I remember, but I had this, like, pull like, I had this kind of, like, rebellious personality in my brain. I must have been like, nine. I was like, I'm so tired of my brain telling me to do this. And so I just was like, I'm not doing it anymore. And that was like, a little seed. And then instead, you know, social anxiety sprouted. It was gonna get me somewhere. But it was like, we'll try OCD first. And it was like, Nope, that didn't work. Let's just go into social anxiety. But I think, yeah, sometimes

    KC Davis 18:47

    I do think, like, what's super interesting is that when we look at genetics, I mean, when we talk about mental health, especially like depression, for a long time, there was kind of this like, Well, is it environmental depression, situational depression, or is it like the chemicals in your brain are, and we know now that, like, that's not what depression is. And I'm not saying it doesn't involve chemicals in your brain, but like, you could have, for example, a like, there are some genes that are, I just know this because I have an autistic child, like, there are certain genes gene mutations that are related to autism and epilepsy. They're Same, same gene. And if you have this genetic mutation, a lot of people with this genetic mutation have autism and epilepsy, but not everyone with the genetic mutation does, and it has to do with how that whether or not that genetic mutation expresses itself, and to what level it expresses itself. So like you know, it could be dialed up to 10, it could be dialed up to one and even so, what causes a gene to express itself, or can be even an. Environmental factor could there could be something that happens that kind of causes that expression, or amps that expression up, and I find sort of that interplay. I mean, as a therapist, I feel like I have enough of that understanding to not speak a ton on it, because I'm not a psychiatrist or a, you know, neurologist, but I do think it's helpful to be aware that, like all of those bio psychosocial things are kind of interplaying together. Because I think as a parent, you can go down that wormhole of, how did this happen? Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 20:34

    absolutely. And I think I mean the mean, what to me? What gives me hope with mental health issues, especially since it's rampant in my family, is the idea of neuroplasticity and epigenetics, and the beautiful thing of being able to alter my brain based on my behaviors and my thoughts and the interplay between genetics and environment is so powerful, and that's why you do twin studies, and you can have two identical twins And one doesn't have OCD, or one does really well and one doesn't, because there is this interplay, which I think offers hope that just because genetically, it's rampant my family, that doesn't mean that my kids are going to be institutionalized when they're older, because we can do things.

    KC Davis 21:16

    Yeah, and when I was in rehab for drugs, one of the things they explain to us is, like, when you flood your system with basically, like synthetic dopamine and oxytocin and all this, like your transmitters, your transmitter sites in your brain, like, actually begin to shut down, because your brain wants homeostasis. And so if you flood it, it goes, Oh, we have so much of this. We don't need this many. So let's shut some ports down, basically. And the effect of that is that then when you're not and so that's what that tolerance is. So now I'm using, and I'm not really even getting high. I'm just feeling normal, okay, no pain. But the other effect of that is that when I wasn't using, nothing made me happy anymore. Nothing was exciting. I didn't look forward to anything, and that was really depressing, right? And that you want to use more, because nothing feels good. And one of the things that I was told when I was in rehab was that, and this, I'm quoting this from, you know, 20 years ago now, so don't take my word for it, but they basically told us that it takes about 18 months of not using drugs for your brain to start to reopen, those receptors to kind of like reset. And they call, it's called, like, your hedonic threshold, right? Like, how much kind of pleasure you need to get happy. And so they're like, you have to be prepared that, like, things are going to feel like they're in gray scale for the first, you know, year and a half, but it will get better, and we need some tools to get then. Luckily, I was actually just institutionalized for the entire

    Natasha Daniels 22:48

    18 months. That is nice to just be there. One

    KC Davis 22:50

    of the things that happened was they were totally right, is that they did. My brain did begin to reset. My hedonic threshold began to lower, and, in fact, it reset itself so hard that I was a happier person than I had ever been that, like small things. And it was funny because me and my friends would joke, like, we've all become so boring and lame now because, like, we do these things that everyone's like, that looks like such a boring life. And we're like, dude, but you have no idea, like, my brain lights up at a monopoly game with my friends on a Friday night, like the smallest things, and it really reset my brain, reset my personality, and I think, like, reset the trajectory of my life. And that is all just neuroplasticity. Yeah, that's

    Natasha Daniels 23:36

    crazy. It's so good. They told you that, you know, I feel like, if we can just tell people, because then you understood, like, why everything was in black and white, and why it felt that way. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel that was probably so therapeutic for you to understand the science behind what you were experiencing that's interesting

    KC Davis 23:53

    well, and I kind of actually have this theory, just from my personal and professional experience with addiction. I actually believe that addiction is a subset of OCD, and the reason that I believe that is because when, from my personal and professional experience, because a lot of people go to rehab that are using drugs, a good percentage of them don't ever come back and they quit. And a good percentage of people who use too many drugs or drink too much alcohol never even make it to rehab. They just stop. And they were indistinguishable before they stopped, from people that you know ended up having, like substance use disorders and have chronic relapsing. And what we found to be the difference between people who kind of chronically relapsed and those that didn't, was that people who chronically relapsed had a belief that this time it will be different. It's not just it's so bad I don't care. I'm going to use again, because anyone can get to that spot. We're talking about the ones whose life would be going great, and then they would relapse. And every single time, there was this belief this time it will be different. Mm. Yeah, it wasn't really that bad last time. This time, I can control it. And there was no like. It was a belief impervious to logic. You could sit there and have all their friends and family read these letters. You could show them how many times they'd been to jail. You could talk about all and they would agree with you cognitively. And then, you know, they'd tell us in private sessions like, but my brain keeps telling me to do it anyways and that it'll probably be fine. And it was like, that is an obsession. They It was literally a mental obsession that if we could not figure out how to get the mental obsession to go away, it wouldn't matter how much sobriety they had, and I began to think of it that way, like this is a mental obsession about your ability to use drugs like other people, and your ability to moderate with a compulsion that you then go use and for whatever reason, like you are not able to moderate like other people. And that really changed the way that that we in the places that I worked at, like that we approached addiction treatment, yeah, which makes sense, which is kind of funny, that, like, I escaped the vocal tics, and then it was like, Yeah, but I think, like, like, there must have been a little, just a little dabble there.

    Natasha Daniels 26:15

    And I know there has been research on addiction and OCD and the overlap. And I'm not a neuroscientist, but I like to nerd out on it, and this same part of the brain, you know, addiction and OCD. So that's not surprising to me. I feel like, hopefully it

    KC Davis 26:30

    is also not that strange, because, like, only recently did we pull hoarding out as a separate diagnosis from OCD, yep. So like the idea that, you know, an obsession and a compulsion can pair with like those like, a behavior that isn't as kind of my like, as repetitive as like, exactly the same motion every time, and it's similar. Like, you will get somebody with hoarding disorder, and it's like, but I might use this right? And you can sit there and show them, but you've never used anything you have, but look at your house, but wouldn't it be but, and you will logic with them all day long, right? And there's a part of their brain that goes, I recognize this is reasonable, but it just never can get to that, like deep seated belief, place that drives their actions.

    Natasha Daniels 27:13

    Yes, that makes sense. Anyways, I know

    KC Davis 27:17

    that's kind of a tangent, but I just, I've always thought that addiction really should be looked at as a part of obsessive compulsive disorder. You know, we kind of talked a little bit about, you know, how OCD needs different interventions, and you mentioned a couple of those. But I'm also wondering, as a parent, you know, I feel like when it comes to anxiety in general, and we can make kind of, like, two opposite mistakes. And I think our generation grew up with parents that were very like, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and can't swim, throw you in the deep end. And who cares about your feelings. You know, like, this is silly to be scared of. Get on the bus. Like, quit doing that like. And so obviously that kind of, like running roughshod and being dismissive or even just being really punitive, like, didn't work. And so I'm of the generation where we're trying to do something different. But what I watch a lot of my generation do, and what I have found myself doing, is that I feel like sometimes I go too far in the opposite direction where I'm like, I mean, I hesitate to say coddling, because I'm not. It's not like, Oh, I'm too afraid. Like, I want to spoil my kids. It's more like, okay, honey. Like, we'll just wait with you, and we'll wait till you feel like doing it right. While the doctor's like, we have to give her the shot. She's never going to be ready for the shot. You just have to hold her down. I'm like, but like, but bodily autonomy. And here's what I noticed. It's funny, I mentioned the shot because that is what happened. It's really important to me to always tell my kids, yes, we're getting shots. I don't want you anxious about every doctor's appointment, because I spring it on you in the last moment. Exactly, yeah. And the first few times that they were old enough and they were, you know, my daughter would say, like, wait, wait, wait, I'm not ready. I'd be like, Stop, everyone. Stop. We will wait until she is ready, because I wanted her to have that feeling. I've been in medical procedures where they kind of overtake her autonomy. It was not good, but what I noticed was that it seemed to make it worse. I watched the fear grow bigger and bigger and bigger as she sat there, going, Okay, I'm not ready. Okay, right? And now we're almost in full blown panic. And I thought, Okay, I need to rethink this. Because, yes, I want her to, you know, I guess I have these values of bodily autonomy and of you feeling in control and consent, but at the same time, like, at what point is it my job as a parent to go, Okay, I love you. We're gonna get a shot. Now. I know it's scary, and I know you don't want it. I'm gonna hold your body on the count of three so that they can give it to you and that it'll be done. And she's going no, and I'm going one, two, and then her distress is like, four. 30 seconds, and then she's totally fine afterwards. And I guess the point of this big, long story, right? Is I feel like I waffle back and forth, right? I go from just figure it out, like, kind of, you know, which doesn't make it, it makes it worse, right? When I'm pushing really hard and I'm getting frustrated at whatever anxious thing they're in. But I also feel like sometimes I do too much of the like, well, we'll wait till you're ready. Okay, do you want to do it now, honey? Okay, what will make you feel better? And it's like that that also seems to grow the anxiety.

    Natasha Daniels 30:28

    Yeah, I 100% agree. I feel like there is this sweet spot that that we have to practice on a daily basis. You know, sometimes we swing too far to the left then too far to the right. And I know as a parent, I'm always trying to find that that sweet spot where anxious, the fuel to anxiety, is avoidance. And I think once we recognize that, we don't want to contribute to that fuel line, right? I mean, like anxiety is a fire, and it can't grow massively if it's not being fed avoidance on a daily basis, and so we can inadvertently partner with anxiety by facilitating avoidance to an extreme degree. And so it's always finding that sweet spot of, I don't want to push my kids off a cliff, but I want to encourage them to look over the cliff and see, oh, actually, there's a little bit of a ledge, and you can jump down, and then you can jump down again, and you don't have to fall off the cliff. You can actually climb down the cliff, but how do I get them to the edge so they can see that or that they have a parachute, and they can actually parasite whatever that's called. And so I know I messed that word up, but it's like finding that sweet spot. And but the shots is a great example, because everybody can relate to that, because a lot of kids are anxious about that, and I totally resonate with that too, because both my kids have had to have a lot of blood work in general, because one has celiac, one had Hashimotos and so and very phobic. But it's a good example, because it has to be done, just like our kids do have to have some sort of education, they do have to sleep, they do have to eat, right? These are things that anxiety impacts, and if we just give them their own agency to the point where we don't offer opportunities to practice being brave, we're robbing them of that experience. My mom, you know, she just threw me off the cliff. I would be throwing up in the back seat of a station wagon, and she'd be like, okay, here, take a napkin and then get get to first period. There was no talking about it, or like, you have anxiety. Let's talk about there was none of that that's extreme or being punitive, right? And like, my mom would, like, push me and say, like, you have to get up there and go do that. And it was like, I was afraid of her hitting me, and so I would do it. But that wasn't really therapeutic. So with my kids, it is, it's doing what you said, like exploring it. What's the scariest part of and it's interesting, because I had assumed because one has a fear of shots and the other one has a fear of blood work. And so I took them aside privately, and this was at different stages of development as well. Like, What's the scariest part about getting your blood taken? You know, for my son, it's being poked. And he actually had even, like OCD themes around being poked, like, we live in Arizona. He's afraid of the cacti. He was afraid of, like people poking his stomach. So he'd always hold his belly button. It got very compulsive. So I knew, Okay, it's the idea of being poked or stung. He was, like, terrified of anything that can sting him. It was all very related, but with my daughter, she was mainly afraid of getting her blood taken. And when I process What's the scariest part about getting your blood taken? I thought, because I'm afraid of getting my blood taken, I don't like the needle going my vein. That grosses me out. She's said, I don't like when they put that rubber band on my arm, I feel like my arm's gonna fall off. And I'm like, Oh my gosh. I would have never thought that that's the problem. And so, like, we did exposures. I bought a rubber band, you know, and we practiced the tightness. I actually advocated for her when she would get her blood taken, I'd say, please take the band off as soon as you can. That part bothers her, and so she was more in control. Did she get to have a pass and not have her blood taken? No, right? Because that's not an option. Did we get a lab to come to our house? Yes, because she throws up every time. So we accommodate on some level, but walk them through that with my son. This is going to sound really weird. We did exposures on poking, you know. I actually got a paper clip with his buy in. He earned prizes, and I would lightly poke him super light with a paper clip, which sounds bizarre, I know, and we're like, this is poking, you know. And that was like a 10 for him for a while, but I got to the point where he can get a shot, and it was like no big deal, because he kind of exposed himself to what that experience was.

    KC Davis 34:28

    I think this you said two words that I feel like are the answer for my generation and everyone else, is exposure and accommodation. Because I feel like, you know, I always have the saying of like, it's not our job to be the parent that we needed as a child. It's our job to be the parents that our children need. And so it's difficult if your parents never accommodated you and everything was in their mind, exposure. I'm quoting that right, because that's not true. Therapeutic exposure, but this kind of suck it up, no pain, no gain, figure it out. Stuff, your feelings, you know, whatever, whatever, Don't be weak and get over yourself. It's all in your head. We sometimes, I think as parents, react to that, and we feel as though any type of pushing our kids or exposure is going to be, like, really traumatic or really wrong, and so and we don't want to expose, we want to accommodate. And I think what you said is so beautiful, because it is the marriage of both. It is, I mean, you just named so many accommodations that you did, but there was also exposure. And you know what's funny, I wanted also share with you something similar about figuring out around shots, like what you assume, what the problem is, right? So both my kids hate shots, and when we went to get when the COVID vaccine finally came out, and I have one of my children is autistic, and you know, it was really hard for her, and we had to hold her down every time and give her the shot, and it was screaming. And so we go to get our COVID shot. Now, in those early days, right? You were going to, like the hospital, and they were fering you through the line, and they were doing adults and children. So when we get there, it's a seat in an auditorium next to a desk, and I've got one at this one, and I'm with the other one, and I'm about to say to the lady at the desk, and they're there going so fast, right? I'm about to warn her, like my daughter's autistic. She doesn't like shots. This woman turns around, goes right into her thigh, and she looks down at it and looks up at me. Literally did not flinch. She did not care. She did not flinch. And you know what? We realized she doesn't like to be held down. She was not screaming because of the shot. She was screaming because she did not know what was happening, and she did not like it when everyone was putting pressure on her limbs and on her body. And for, of course, for my other daughter, it's the opposite, right? It is the shot itself, like she you kind of have to help her stabilize her body, or she'll move around and hurt herself. And I just thought that was so interesting, what you mentioned. But So talk to me a little bit more about this idea of accommodating and exposing. And I wanted to kind of tie it back to what you said at the beginning, which is, like, how we need to do that differently for OCD than just other types of anxiety, yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 37:10

    and that is also a really great question, because I think that accommodation in the OCD world is like a four letter word. They're like, accommodate. It's the person we remove is accommodation. And I feel like that word is used differently in different communities. And so it has a different meaning. When we talk about OCD accommodations, we're talking about really participating in the compulsion. And I wish that we'd use a different language, because I think it does confuse parents who are navigating multiple worlds, the autistic world and the OCD world, because the accommodations used in a different way. Yeah, accommodations

    KC Davis 37:42

    means supports for independence or for whatever it almost seems more similar to, like to borrow a word from the addiction industry is enabling.

    Natasha Daniels 37:51

    Yeah, although enabling has a bad connotation too it

    KC Davis 37:56

    does. But I mean, when in the OCD world, when they say, don't accommodate the obsession. I wonder if what they mean is closer to the definition of when we say an addiction, like, don't enable the addiction. Yes, because we're not saying don't support them, don't accommodate them. We're also not saying like, you know, like, if I have a friend that's new in sobriety and I know how they feel around alcohol, I'm not gonna have alcohol at a party like that. Is accommodating, yeah, but we distinguish that in the addiction world from, oh, my friend, you know it needs money. And I know that if I give them money, they're probably gonna, you know, go use it to use and, but I'm too scared to say, yeah, so I'm gonna, but I don't want to be mad, and I just maybe, if I give it to them, right? Like, that's the enabling aspect of it. So it sounds like in the OCD world, when y'all say, don't accommodate it. You talk more about enabling it, as you said, like participating in it. Yes, that's

    Natasha Daniels 38:46

    a word I'm going to use then, because I feel like when I use the word accommodation, I upset the autistic world. But then the OCD world's clueless. Most of them are clueless to how those are, and I'm trying to educate people in the OCD world, like, don't use the word accommodate. People are getting upset about that in other areas. But what it means with OCD is you can easily enable, we use the award accommodation, even to the point where, like, you know, there's a therapy modality that talks about removing accommodation. We're not talking about removing support. So if your child has OCD most of the time, it's a family affair, and so OCD might boss the family around, like Don't say that word, or you can't sit there, or you have to wash your hands here, or everyone has to take their clothes off before they enter the house, or can't come into my room because you're contaminated. And we follow these rules that's enabling the OCD, and so that never helps. It doesn't happen overnight. And so to pull those back is takes time, and there's therapy modalities that help you pull those back over time, but the accommodation, and when we're talking about OCD or anxiety, there might be your child really can't function at school because they have to share, you know, joint supplies or whatever, and it's a decision of either they don't go to school at all, or I have to find some accommodations in the. School environment where they're not triggered, so they can get an education while we work on it, or when we're talking about anxiety, like, what is going to make my child comfortable while they're moving towards doing break things? Can my child get their blood test at home? Yes, that's an accommodation. Can they do certain things that will help them feel better and have autonomy while doing still scary, big things, because sometimes it's too big of a step to do something without those supports. Well,

    KC Davis 40:29

    and really what we're talking about in any world, whether it's addiction or OCD or autism, ADHD, is just scaffolding. Yeah, like, we want an appropriate scaffolding, and that's going to be different for each kid, because there are going to be especially when you get into like the and we would consider OCD a type of neuro divergence, but when you get into like the autism, ADHD, kind of duo, some people are going to need accommodations for the rest of their life. And so it's not that the goal is to scaffold every single person into complete independence, never needing accommodation. But we don't want to make the opposite mistake of, okay, we'll just cocoon this person to this serious degree for the rest of their life. A good example that comes up even with autism and ADHD is sensory sensitivities, especially sound. So a lot of kids with autism and ADHD are really sensitive to sound, and so you know, you have, like, your one accommodation for that is, like noise canceling headphones. One of the things from a pure, like audiologist perspective, is that the more you use noise canceling headphones, the more sensitive your hearing can become. So you kind of have to play this dance of, okay, well, for a lot of kids, you can't just not give them headphones because, oh, it'll make it worse. Because worse than what, they're already melting down. They already can't function at school. They're already in so much distress, and they don't have the skills to deal with that. But at the same time, we also don't want the answer to be okay, you know, we'll just wear these 24/7 unless it is to that. Like there might be a kid where there will be no scaffolding away from that, but there will be a lot of kids where we can scaffold in such a way that there are instances where we can use it where we need help, and there are instances where we are targeted in this is what we're working on via exposure and obviously doing that with a team. But I think that idea of scaffolding supports yeah is kind of what you're talking about, yeah.

    Natasha Daniels 42:35

    And I do have a really good example of that as well, just to show like, where we can inadvertently harm our kids or set them back versus encourage them. This is what I was arguing about with my 15 year old son last night. He like one of his predominant I think OCD issues is that he gets songs stuck in his head. And so with OCD, you can get songs stuck in your head. You can get images stuck in your head, not just intrusive thoughts or feelings, and to the point where he would melt down. He would not let us play like the music on the radio. His sister can't sing like nobody can hum like dominating the environment. And then when he got diagnosed with ADHD, he's like, Mom, you were wrong the whole time. It's my ADHD. Like,

    KC Davis 43:16

    I think I was like, most people with ADHD

    Natasha Daniels 43:19

    aren't getting like, they're not getting compulsive with having a song stuck in their head. It might be, you know, that it might happen, it might be distracting, but they're not getting distressed the way you are, like you would have a full on meltdown at the airport because he has a song stuck in his head. And so I said the volume button is probably higher because of your ADHD, and it's probably more distracting, but the idea that you're having it, it's getting stuck. And so what we have done is like you you can if you want to block the sound and you want to wear headphones or you want to put your air pods on, that's fine. You get to control what you want to do with that, but you're not going to control the environment. We're not going to turn the radio off, but we had to do it really slowly, because there'd be mornings that he's melting down and he can't go to school for all sorts of other anxiety OCD issues. I wasn't gonna put the radio on and just like, you know, push him off a cliff. I was like, we're gonna be quiet. He's not okay right now. But, you know, last night, I think he wanted this, like, global rule in our house again, that no one's gonna be allowed to sing. And I was like, that seems very compulsive to me, and we're not. I said, you know you're gonna have roommates, you're gonna have you know at your employment, you're gonna go to college. People are gonna be singing, they're gonna be playing the radio, and I will be doing you a disservice if, if I coddle you, or maybe I didn't use the word coddle, but if I cocoon you and have you live in a bubble where you have no exposure to this, what is that gonna be like when you grow up? We kind of agreed to disagree last night, but is it to be continued? But that's an example.

    KC Davis 44:44

    It's a great example also, because it also shows the what can be hard as a parent, especially if you grew up with a disability, which is that everyone always told you that everything was your fault, and so we can sometimes feel very guilty. But. By telling our child like, Hey, you're being inconsiderate. I know it's coming from your disability. I know that it's but you don't get to kind of hold the, you know, room hostage or whatever. And we feel that inner child wound, you know. And I always like to say, like, everything is emotional context. And telling a child, you know, hey, we can't just always turn the radio off. The saying that in a way that is attuned and kind and empathetic, and in a context where you are looking for appropriate accommodations and you do care about their sensory experiences and their challenges that is not going to be the same emotional context than your as your parent, who did not look for appropriate accommodations, did not take your disability seriously, was very dismissive, and said we're not turning the radio down just because your ears hurt. And I think that's kind of what we have to do our own healing to get to the place where we're willing to recognize like I have to teach my kids, and I do have to recognize which of these aspects of their disability might be lifelong and might be pretty intense, regardless of how much intervention, but also not let go of my responsibility as a parent to teach my kids about you Know, I want them to self advocate for themselves, and I want them to feel validity in their neuro divergence and their differences, and I want them to feel responsible for being a good citizen in society and believing that other people's needs in the environment are just as valid as theirs. And I think that's it, right? It's like your needs aren't less valid than everybody else, but they're not more valid than everybody else. Like, I want to, I want kids that believe that their needs are just as valid as everyone else's, even if their needs are different, you know, so that they can sort of take this process on, like for themselves. Once they're out of my house where they're they know how to think about, okay, how do I get my needs met? And when do I recognize, like, how I can do that in a way that still respects everybody else's needs and is kind of reasonable both ways?

    Natasha Daniels 47:10

    Exactly? Yeah, definitely. Let

    KC Davis 47:12

    me ask one more question as we close. We talked a little bit in our pre interview about kind of our responsibility as parents to right size our kids feelings, you know? And I think this is really true. Like our anxiety will feed our kids anxiety, right? And we kind of recognize this, like you we realize early, like sometimes our kids fall and they look at us, and if we go, oh my god, like they kind of do the same thing, right? And so while I don't want to be dismissive at the same time, I don't want to be kind of overly dramatic. I don't want my anxiety to be contagious. And so I'm curious if you have any sort of, like, ending thoughts on how, as a parent, can we best, like, right size our kids feelings and not participate in kind of the overblownness or the drama of it while not being dismissive.

    Natasha Daniels 48:02

    Yeah. I mean, I often talk about being a lovingly detached anchor, like, That's my ultimate goal, is to be to be supportive of my kids struggles in the moment without having smudges on my lens that are, that's my stuff, which is a lot of what we talked about today. You know, a smudge might be, oh, you're just like my dad. Or a smudge might be, oh my gosh, you're not gonna be able to function in college. So I might be living in the what ifs instead of the what is. Or I might be in my smudge might be, I'm gonna be late for work again, and I can't keep having this or this smudge might be, my parent didn't listen to me in this moment, and so I'm gonna be over identified. Or a smudge might be. I'm so empathetic or an empath, that your pain is my pain, and I'm feeling it. So as a parent, learn how to identify your smudges. We all have them. There's no way we have a clear lens when we're looking at our child in having a struggle, but being able to identify them separate out. What is my stuff versus their stuff? And then the thing I always ask myself as a parent, is, what do they need from me right now? You know? And that really helps put me back in the moment. It kind of grounds me. Sometimes I literally do grounding stuff, like let me feel my feet on the carpet, or let me feel my breath, or let me smell something. So I'm like, out of my head and more into my body. And then I just say, What's my role right now? What do they need for me and I get into my coaching, you know they need me to not be emotional, or they need me to just reflect back to them that this is hard for them right now, but I think that can help us anchor ourselves and be there for them with more intention than reaction.

    KC Davis 49:36

    I love that you use the word coaching, because I think we can learn a lot as parents from watching coaches, because there are good coaches and bad coaches. And bad coaches are not just the ones that are super gruff, super mean, super pushing, super challenging, not listening to having kids run exercises till they faint in the heat, but also you've. Bad coaches that are so concerned with everyone's just gonna have a good time that like they never win a game. And so I think when we when I think of like the good coaches my kids have been with, I have had coaches say to my kids, there's no crying in the pool. But that's also the coach that celebrates so much with them with their wins. It's also the coach that goes home and thinks about, how best can I accommodate, you know, my one kid's fear of water, and maybe let's try this, or let's try this, or let's try this. And yet, they have that balance of, I'm listening, I care, but also I have what you the perfect wording, right? Which is this kind of, like, detachment, where, like, I don't have to own your feelings. I'm separate from your feelings, and I have so much confidence in your ability to handle your feelings that I don't need to participate in your feelings. Yeah,

    Natasha Daniels 50:52

    which is really comforting for kids who are overwhelmed that we're an anchor and that we kind of reflect that, and we might have to do our own inner work to get that, and that's a daily practice, honestly, but it's a gift that we can give our kids.

    KC Davis 51:05

    Well, Natasha Daniels, you have been a delight. Can you give us any resources? Tell us about like, Where can we find your stuff or anything about you? And then, what would you recommend to kids, to parents who are thinking that maybe they're seeing some OCD in their kids?

    Natasha Daniels 51:18

    Well, you can find my work at at parenting survival.com, I have a podcast. I have YouTube videos for kids, teens and young adults, and courses and a community, so all sorts of stuff that you'll find over there. I have a OCD workbook for kids, eight to 12 that just came out, crushing OCD workbook for kids. And you know if you're concerned or you're like, I don't know if my child has OCD or just listening to this conversation. Now I'm not sure if it's anxiety or OCD. You can always get like a an assessment. I always you talk about no CD just because they are virtual and they're all over the world. So treat my ocd.com also a really good resource is the International OCD foundation@iocdf.org

    KC Davis 51:59

    Awesome. Thank you so much. Natasha,

    Natasha Daniels 52:01

    yeah, thanks for having me. You.

Christy Haussler
117: Private Infant Adoption: Altruistic Act or Human Trafficking?

Today’s topic of adoption is a sensitive subject for many people. We are covering adoption from a different perspective as we talk to Stacy, an adult adoptee who belongs to a community of adult adoptees who are vehemently opposed to private infant adoption. Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

  • Meet Stacy and learn her story

  • An overview of differing views of adoption through the years (Are new laws needed?)

  • Examples of laws that are drawing negative feedback from adult adoptees

  • The expense of private infant adoption and the ethical dilemma of a more systemic problem

  • The ratio of parents looking to adopt and available infants

  • A closer look at adoption theology and open adoption

  • The US system that contributes to the number of desperate pregnant women and creates the perfect storm for exploitation, pressure, and propaganda

  • What adopted kids need to know

  • The adoption industry needs a different approach.

  • The nuances of adoption out of foster care

  • For many people, adoption into a “nice” family was/is a fantasy. 

  • Stacy’s viewpoint on what to say–and what NOT to say–to adult adoptees

  • Stacy’s message to adult adoptees

Resources and Links:

Connect with Stacy: TikTok

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music. Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. It is KC Davis, your host. Welcome to Struggle Care. And we're going to talk today about something that is a bit of a sensitive subject for a lot of people. And we're going to talk about it from a perspective that you may not have heard before. I'm here in the studio with Stacy rebec, and we're going to talk about adoption. So Stacy, you are an adult adoptee, meaning you were adopted by your parents. And before we get started, tell me a little bit about yourself. So what do you do? And you know all that good stuff? Sure. So

    Stacy 0:32

    I'll probably limit it for my job, saying that I work for our state's court system in the IT sector, and I live in Topeka, Kansas. I'm 41 years old. Both my younger sister and I were adopted through domestic infant adoption to my parents. My mom also had relinquished a child at age when she got pregnant at 17 and relinquished a child at 18 before going on to adopt us later on. So we have lots of experience in our family. Yeah.

    KC Davis 0:59

    So you know, when I was growing up adoption, there was this very clear picture of adoption. It was like this very altruistic thing to do, and particularly if it was like an overseas adoption, right? Like, Oh, I'm getting a child from a country where they wouldn't grow up with anything, and I'm bringing them over here and saving them. And then the other sort of picture that I grew up with adoption is that it is this like fulfillment of all hopeful wishes for maybe parents that are experiencing infertility, and then I had some time in the evangelical church before I deconstructed, and they were huge about adoption, and so It was sort of like, partially a story about how much we need to save kids, and then, like, partially a story about, like, how much everyone deserves to have a kid. And so I was really, I don't know what the word is. I wouldn't say blindsided. That's too strong. But like, I had no idea about a year and a half ago when I stumbled upon a whole community of adoptees that are vehemently against private infant adoption. So let's just start there. Stacy, you know, tell me maybe a little bit about what you're kind of where you're at. And can you tell us anything about this community of adoptees?

    Stacy 2:17

    Sure. So there's a really great community, especially like on Tiktok, that I've interacted with, and there are kind of distinct segments within the community. There are adoptees that are from international and trans racial adoption, there are adoptees that came out of foster care, and then there's domestic infant adoption adoptees. And those worlds are similar, but they are very different in sometimes outlook and what methods they want to see changed in the adoption system. And that's great, like we can have productive conversations about that. And I specifically, I'll give an overview of some of the other ones, but I don't want to speak for anybody that is from foster care adoption or transracial or international adoption, because that is absolutely not my lane to speak in. But I'll give kind of an overview of a lot of the discussion is talking about the need for either Abolishment, in some cases, or at least a reckoning and read reorganization of laws to better help adoptees. A lot of the laws in place are really centered on adoptive parents and what is the best for them and what they want, which is understandable. You know, a lot of people that make the laws are adults who perhaps would like to adopt a child, and that's kind of where that has come from. And we really want to make it more child and adoptee focused in those respects. There is some disagreement about abolition versus not sure what the best word to use is, like reorganization

    KC Davis 3:46

    or like restructuring or reconstruction? Yeah, restructuring

    Stacy 3:50

    is probably the best way to think about it. I lean on the side of restructuring, specifically for domestic infant adoption. I think there are some really good arguments for Abolishment In other instances, but again, that's kind of outside of my lane to give my viewpoint on. Especially I do think for domestic infant adoption, restructuring of laws is really necessary. I will say I do live in Kansas, where we have one of the best set of laws for adoptees. You can get your pre adoption birth certificate fairly easily here, but that is a rarity among the states.

    KC Davis 4:24

    So you mentioned that because I was going to ask you know, you said that part of the problem is that a lot of the laws regarding adoption are geared towards what parents want, not what children maybe deserve or have a right to. So can you give us some examples of those laws that adoptees and adoptee advocates are not happy with, sure.

    Stacy 4:46

    So in some states, your records are sealed forever. You can try to petition the court to unseal your records in a certain in your certain case, but that is highly unlikely in some areas. Which means that you cannot easily find your biological family, which means you have a higher chance of not being able to catch like genetic illnesses and things that could be passed on. You don't necessarily have those risk factors that you can rely on. You could, in my instance, even though I had one in Kansas, and I found my family, Ma, I had a younger brother who is five years younger that litter up in the same city than me, and that's putting you at risk at procreating with somebody that you are siblings with, and that is very unfortunate. So having access to those records and your health records is vitally important for most adoptees, and in some states, you cannot access them at all. The best chance you have is doing a DNA test and by luck, connecting with somebody. So

    KC Davis 5:47

    one of the other, like kind of big paradigm shifts that I had when I was listening to adoptees, is also hearing birth mothers. And I apologize, I don't know if that's like the term that people prefer, or if there's a different term, I don't

    Stacy 6:02

    know for sure. I know my mother, who did again, give up a child, calls herself a birth mother, so in reference to her, specifically, we can say that. I don't know. I know biological parents. Some people really prefer to just say parents, but I think it's very individual at this point of what families

    KC Davis 6:19

    prefer. Well, for clarity sake, I'll say birth parent, but I've seen a lot of birth parents talk about how they regret their decision, and how at the time, their decision to put their child, their baby, up for adoption, was a decision in worst case scenarios. It was a decision of duress, where they were really pressured by private adoption agencies. And then kind of, some of the, you know, medium case scenarios, it was a decision made out of desperation, because of circumstances. And then, you know, maybe five years later, they find themselves in different circumstances, and they're going, why did those people convince me that this is what was best? Because, sure, at the time, I, you know, maybe didn't have somewhere to live, or I didn't have a good job, or, you know, I was on the outs with the Father, whatever. But, you know, five years later, and now, a lot of those circumstances have changed, and I don't have any access to this child anymore. And I don't think I had ever really heard, I mean, birth parents are hailed as simultaneously, this beacon of bravery, but also they're kind of like an NPC, like Silent character that you never hear from again.

    Stacy 7:29

    And I know things have slightly changed since my mother's story, but my mom got pregnant, and I will say I have her permission to share this. I specifically asked her beforehand if I could share pieces of her story. So I'm not talking without asking, but she got pregnant at 17 in 1963 while still in high school, and she had her daughter at 18, but she had to pretend that she wasn't pregnant during high school, she graduated, I think, like four or five months pregnant. Nobody knew. And then right after that, her parents drove her to another city, like she didn't really have an A stay in it, other than like, I'm not marrying that guy. Like that was her say. It was like, I'm not getting married. Just picked her up, drove her to stay with a family in another city so that nobody could see that she was pregnant. She had her baby. She didn't get to see the baby, although I guess her mother did, which is nice. She got to see baby before she was placed on for adoption, and then just came home and had to act like nothing happened. And so she we've had discussions about how it was a choice, but it wasn't really a choice. You can talk about people having a choice. And this, by the way, this predates roe by a decade, so that was really not an option at all. The choice was either you marry this guy. The choices she thought was, you marry this guy, or you put the baby up for adoption. And she knew there was absolutely no way she was going to marry this person, so she put the baby up for adoption. And that's not really a choice. When you look at it, right? There's not in that mindset. There isn't a choice. And I think nowadays, it still happens where people get convinced that, you know, you can't raise your baby like, what are you thinking of? You're young, you're poor, you're whatever. Here's this nice family, like they can provide so much more for them. And, you know, it's kind of crazy, because a lot of times families that I have seen, and I know this is not the case around the board, but families who adopt will get so much help from their church or their their community, they will be provided with diapers and clothes and all these kind of resources that maybe a young, poor mother wouldn't have and it makes you wonder if they were provided with those resources like perhaps they may not make that same decision.

    KC Davis 9:53

    That was one of the more eye opening things to me, was when people talked about how expensive it is for. Private infant adoption. And how okay, this family will go fundraise, and they'll get 1000s and 1000s, I'm talking, you know, 13,000 20,000 30,000 $50,000 and like you said, the church will have this huge baby shower and give them all of these things, and someone will give them a crib and, uh huh. And it was like, okay, but now we have this pregnant woman who the only reason she's making the decision to give up this baby is because she doesn't have access to those things, and yet, everybody can give it to this other couple. Like, why can't we just give it to this mother? And I know it's not that simple. Like, you're not no one's gonna require a private citizen to fork over 20 grand to, you know, a stranger that's pregnant, but just from a systemic view, it does sort of make you scratch your head like, you know, it's not always, or it doesn't even seem often someone being like, you know, what? I don't want children. That's not what I want ever, no matter the circumstances. And so I am gonna, you know, give my baby. It's like I do. I would want this baby if circumstances were different, and circumstances get moved for the people that want to take the baby, not for the mom that is actually having the baby?

    Stacy 11:12

    Yeah? And that's equity. There's a huge discrepancy in equity between the two situations, right? And I do think there are some scenarios I know for my adoption, and I have not met my biological parents. They did not choose, they did not want contact, and that's fine, but I know from research that my biological mother was very Catholic, and so when she got pregnant, she absolutely did not want another child at that point in time, but she didn't feel like she had other options either, because abortion was completely off the table for somebody that was very, very Catholic. And so I know that I was not a wanted child, as in, like, I want to keep this child. So that does happen. But again, it's not really like we can talk about choices. When you grow up with a lot of in some cultures, you don't the choice is not quite the same. I guess it's a nicer way of putting it,

    KC Davis 12:06

    which kind of brings me to, like, the next point that I learned that I'm wondering if you can speak to for a minute, because let's say that so it's not the majority that are in that spot right. The majority are making this decision out of desperation, circumstances, things like that. And if you were to only think about how many infants are available to be adopted by mothers who are saying, You know what? This is not desperation. This is not circumstance. I just I don't want to be a parent to this child, to another child. What would you say? Like, what's the percentage or like, the comparison of like parents who want to adopt an infant and available infants?

    Stacy 12:51

    There are more parents that want to adopt by a long shot than available infants. And I think when we talk about that, we kind of have to talk about adoption theology, because the pool of parents that want to adopt is not just parents that are struggling with infertility or anything like that, because adoption theology, especially, I think, since the 80s and 90s, has risen in popularity. You have a lot of parents that want to adopt because they think it is the good thing to do.

    KC Davis 13:25

    Because the picture is, here's this mother who, you know, doesn't want this baby or can't take care of this baby, and so you're the good person stepping in to take on somebody else's baby and make it yours.

    Stacy 13:37

    Yes, and they think it's a good thing to do. And some of these parents do adopt from foster care, and perhaps adopt children whose rights have already been terminated, and some of them don't. Some of them turn to either international adoption or pursue domestic adoption, or sometimes will sign up as foster parents for infants hoping to adopt, which I find problematic, which

    KC Davis 14:02

    is a whole other can of worms. And I do want to get into that. And what's interesting, though, that you can bring that up, is that every time I have listened to adoptees or adoption advocates talk about these things we're talking about, where they say, Hey, a lot of this is out of desperation. Hey, a lot of this, you know, whatever, somebody always brings up foster care, and that's a different conversation, right? Like, that's a different conversation, and there's still issues there, and we can talk about those. One of the other things that I thought of, too, is when I've heard a lot of birth mothers talk about, you know, I was made a lot of promises by these adoptive parents about how I would be involved in this child's life, and they would know me, and that's why I agreed to this. And then we come to find out that, like, that's not in the contract, that's not enforceable, that's just a thing, a nice thing. They said that after the rights are. Are formally handed over to the adoptive parents. We have a lot, and not not all of them, not every one of them, but we have, you know, a lot of people saying, and then they said they changed their mind, and I have not spoken to them since, and I have not heard from them since, and I have no right to be in this child's life. Yeah, open adoption is problematic in the United States, especially because our laws like and that, as far as I know, this is across the board for all states, the concept of open adoption is there, but there are not specific laws to ensure that that happens, right? So you can write it in. So it's open adoption, a legal type of adoption, or is it just an there's one type of adoption. And then there's like, whether you're doing a nice handshake on the side to say, we'll keep in touch.

    Stacy 15:45

    Yeah, it's like that. So it's just really just adoption, and that some contract can be written so that you say you want to give biological parents some input, or what have you. But in most cases, that's really not enforceable. And again, I'm not an attorney, so I can't speak to the intricacies, but I know that that is not enforceable in the majority of cases, especially for domestic infant adoption. And I don't want to say that a lot of parents are going and using that as a manipulation tactic, necessarily. Yeah, I think in a lot of instances, they really think that that's something that they want to do, and then when you have the child in your arms, you realize, like, oh, I don't actually want to share this with anybody. And that is not great, because that means that they didn't really put in the work ahead of time to realize what it meant,

    KC Davis 16:39

    right? Like, it's almost like not informed consent on the I do think some people

    Stacy 16:44

    do use that specifically as a manipulation tactic to try to force their arms. And that happens, and it's gross

    KC Davis 16:51

    so, and it makes sense to me, you know, if we have desperate, well, listen, we can't even get into how our country, here in the US is set up to create desperate pregnant women. We're rolling back reproductive rights. We don't have universal health care or universal paid maternity leave, and so we have this system that kind of uniquely puts women in a situation of desperation. And one of the other things that I think really opened my eyes, and I don't know what I thought before, like that adopt, that there's like an adoption ferry, that there's like an altruistic wing of the government, like, like, oh, you know, oh, it's a nonprofit, so it must be not. But like, adoption agencies are businesses, and they need to make money and turn a profit, and like any business in a capitalistic society, they have a problem of more demand than supply, and I'm not saying that that's I phrased that wrong, but like their response would be, like any business in a capitalistic society facing more demand than supply is we have to figure out how to get more supply. And it just seems like it's the perfect storm for exploitation, for pressuring and for propaganda and for, you know, like they literally have their own financial interests in mind when they're talking to a very vulnerable woman in a very vulnerable state trying to make one of the biggest decisions of their life, which just seems a little icky. Yeah,

    Stacy 18:19

    it is very icky. I've had my own run ins with some of the crisis pregnancy centers in town and people who work for them, and it is just so highly unethical that that they are kind of they work hand in hand with generally religious adoption groups, although I guess not necessarily all the time. I can't say that, but to kind of funnel women in who are perhaps looking to get an abortion or something else into instead supplying them with an infant. And

    KC Davis 18:50

    I mean, I'm gonna say something, and I know, listen, and I know that it is gonna be a triggering phrase for a lot of adoptive parents out there, but like, we're getting pretty close to human trafficking.

    Stacy 18:59

    Yeah, I definitely think in some scenarios that that is probably a good word for it. And I think domestically, that's probably more of a like a Ooh. Do we want to use that word? But in some cases, when you go, when you are going to a place where you think you're going to get health care, and instead, you are funneled by a religious group into changing your decision, or maybe solidifying your decision in a way where you weren't quite sure beforehand, who's telling you, perhaps inaccurate information about how your life will be afterwards. In regards to this child, I don't know of a better word for it, so

    KC Davis 19:38

    that they can take possession of that human being and then literally sell it. Uh huh, yeah. Okay, so now that we've offended and upset a lot of adoptive parents out there and perhaps adoptees that really love their families, let's take a step back and then kind of circle back and touch on some of those feelings that other people might be having, that maybe had a different experiences or adopted. Parents. You know, what is that like for adoptive parents to hear that kind of perspective? What has been your interaction with adoptive parents? Like, give us a little splash of cold water to the face, because it feels like we've got a little intense Yeah. So

    Stacy 20:16

    I have met a few people my age who have adopted children, and they've actually that I thought pretty open that I'm an adoptee and what my story is. And my mom and I talk to people about it, and they're like, Well, I'm adopting a child, and not necessarily even infant adoption, but like, what should I do? I want to make sure my child grows up fairly well adjusted, you know? What can I do? And when I tell them, like, Okay, well, you have to one. They have to know, grow up knowing that they're adopt, not something you can either spring on them or hide from them, which I grew up knowing I was adopted. My mom was very intentional with that, so that it wasn't like a big surprise or shock when we were older, and so that, like, my health records were accurate and things like that. And it is not that suggestion is usually not met well, because they feel it's almost like a sense of ownership of child. And that's not I want to be clear that that is not just adoptive parents who feel that way. I think a lot of parents feel like an ownership rather than like, almost like, like the child is an object rather than a child, in those regards. But so they don't want to tell them, and they don't want them to grow up knowing that. They said, Well, maybe we could tell them when they're older. And I, I'm pretty frank with them. I'm like, you know that is a big betrayal when they find out when they are older, like you will have the best chance of a good relationship with your child if you are open with them about it and their experiences from the time that they are very little like that. You don't have to like go into details with a two year old about why all of this happened, right? But there are age appropriate ways to introduce it very young, and I know because that's how we were raised. So

    KC Davis 21:54

    yeah, well, and I would imagine that most adoptive parents their hesitation in telling their kid is probably not a malevolent reason, like, I definitely would imagine that most, as you know, as most parents like, we're like, I don't want my kid to feel singled out. I don't want them to feel like they weren't wanted. I don't want them to feel like, you know, they're not 100% my kid and loved and all these kind of things. And I would imagine that that's what's driving most parents fears is like them wanting to be a good parent and feeling protective of their child. Yeah, I think, to your point, though, it's, you know, it's a big thing. It's pretty damaging. It sounds like for to have that sprung on you later in life. I would imagine,

    Stacy 22:40

    I think there were a couple. I mean, obviously with trans racial adoptees, you can't really, like, hide that. So there, growing up, there were a couple of kids that I went to school with. They were all also adopted. And our family and the few that had adopted internationally were the only ones that were fairly open with their children, like on the offset of what had happened, and then a few of them got dropped on them in their teens, and let me just say I would not make that choice seeing the reaction of that happening. So, so

    KC Davis 23:09

    we've talked a lot about, you know, what are certainly generalizations. Like, it's not this is not every circumstance of adoption, but they are systemic problems with the adoption industry, at least in this country, would you say that it's unethical to ever do an private infant adoption?

    Stacy 23:28

    I don't. I don't like

    KC Davis 23:30

    saying no. You don't like saying black or white, yes, no, total answer, yeah,

    Stacy 23:35

    yeah. I think it is problematic at best, systemically right now to participate in domestic infant adoption, but I don't also think that it is always unethical. I do know a few adopted biological parents who were in places that they didn't want to be, but they also didn't go through. They went through there's you don't have to go through an agency to adopt. You can find family, friends or whatever to or like friends of friends, and do a private adoption that way. From experience, I tend to think that that is more ethical, but it comes with other problems, because if you do that, that's actually how our adoptions were, like it was through a doctor or friend that my parents knew. But when you do that, then you tend to adopt a child and live in the same area as the biological parents, which has its own issues, right? And most agencies are very careful to not place children in the same area so that there can't be like accidental incest, because nobody wants that. But I think you're less likely to get a coerced decision in situations like that that not that it's perfect, right?

    KC Davis 24:46

    Well, and it does seem like this isn't about demonizing individual people. This is about sort of pointing out some very systemic exploitation and how high the risk is. It. Seems like we need a different approach to this industry in general. And it doesn't mean that there's never a circumstance where someone is, you know, engaging in a private infant adoption that is not, you know, that is wrong, I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah,

    Stacy 25:16

    and I have my personal thoughts on a women should always have a right to choose whatever scenario works best for her. I really have a hard time saying that, yeah, because what if that's what she wants to choose? We should move towards abolition. Yeah, because there are situations and we can talk about the motives behind her making that decision like you know, whether it is she had a very strong religious upbringing, and that really is her only decision in her mind, there her only option in her mind, like that is a different situation than that. Is a different question. Rather than having that off the table entirely, right, their motives behind it could be problematic, but I still think that the pregnant person should have the final say about how this goes, because she maybe have a revulsion to the idea of abortion, which is fair, I guess, but perhaps this baby is product of rape or product of something else, and she never wants that child. I feel like she should have the option to do adoption. I do think in those instances there needs to be something in place so the adoptees have their full health record, and even if they don't make contact with their biological family. Know enough about it, so we don't have surprise incest. Because I know in some situations that has happened, of course, that is not like an adoption specific thing that can happen with like sperm donors and men stepping out on families and all kinds of things. So that is not like just an adoption thing, but we can try to plan for those scenarios, right, so that we don't have those pop up as much as possible.

    KC Davis 26:53

    So you referenced foster care earlier, and you know, one of the things that that I have a little bit of experience only because my husband and I attended some foster care training, because we were considering becoming foster parents. And one of the things when we went into, like, the initial meeting, like the very first thing they said to all of us was, if you have infertility trauma that you have not addressed, I need you to get up and go home and address it before you go through this process. And they really hammered home to us that the goal of foster care is reunification, and that that should be what we're striving for. And that, you know, if it comes to a place where reunification isn't safe or possible, then that's when we need to look at adoption, but you kind of referenced it earlier. We have, we see a lot of parents, I think, go into foster care, hoping that a parent will not get their act together and that a family will not reunify. And I think there's a I mean, and I've had some friends that have adopted children from foster care, and like, there's a really big difference. I want to be clear what I'm saying. Like, you know my friend who fostered a young boy, and then got to the place where, like, there was a point in time where he was hoping that the rights would be terminated, but that was because of the biological parents behavior, because they were not safe and there was no indication they were going to be safe. And that was sort of his love of this child, is this is not the best place for that child that's different than, right? Because that's based on the facts of the situation, of what's best for the kid that's really different than entering the foster system and just generally going, Oh, I really hope we get one. I really hope this parent that I have not met, that I do not know, you know, I hope they don't get their shit together. I hope they fail at reunification so I can have a kid. That's a completely different thing. And unfortunately, I think even kind hearted people don't recognize that's kind of what they're hoping for when they enter into foster care. The other interesting thing that I think comes up in the conversation about adoption is that there obviously are adoptees that have had different experiences, that have different feelings about adoption, you know, biological parents or birth parents that have different experiences. But one of the things that I have noticed is that the demographic that you maybe wouldn't initially expect to have such a vehement sort of push back on some of these talking points are kids that grew up in abusive situations, in neglectful situations, that are sort of reflecting on their own trauma and going, you guys are complaining, I would have given anything for someone to have rescued me out of this situation and put me into a different family. And I just think that that's a very valid perspective and feeling to. Have. And so I just think that's important. Like, not everybody having sort of strong reactions or feelings to this conversation is Oh, so you're for human trafficking. Like, that's not the case. Like it is complicated to grow up and not be taken care of. And I think for a lot of people that grow up this way, adoption is almost this fantasy, uh huh, you know what I mean, this, this almost Daddy Warbucks. What if I could be taken away from here by a nice family that would really take care of me? And I think that sometimes, whether we're conscious of it or not, some of that can play into sort of the way we address the adoption industry at large, in general.

    Stacy 30:38

    I agree, because I've seen some of those people that are very angry and adoptees comment sections. And like their hurt is understandable. And like, I understand that I don't know that they are productive and their outlet for it. I understand where it comes from. Take it to your therapist. Yeah, they're a better way. There are better places to express this, but, yeah, no, that is completely valid. I think the trouble with any government organization, or anything that handles basically any government organization, because generally it's even if they have private contractors, you know, sync and DCS are government programs. And with any government program, it's imperfect, and they're going to do too much and too little at the same time, right? It's almost impossible for them to do it completely correct, right? There, you're going to miss families, and then you are going to come down too hard on families, depending on the factors at play. You're like, right? What judge Are you in front of? Is your guardian ad litem? Like, what biases do they bring into this situation is the foster family really like, oh, like working for reunification and hoping that they that your the child goes back with the family? Or are they really just secretly hoping to get this over quick enough so that they have the child in their home? And so it creates both scenarios where kids get probably ripped out of their homes more than they should, but also we they miss children who are left in abusive homes and who want to be like, taken out of their house and into another situation. And so, you know, I don't know that there's a way to change that enough to ever that they'll

    KC Davis 32:14

    never be a mistake one way or the other. And then, speaking of like being up in comment sections, what are some of the Give me some of like, the best and worst responses that people have when they hear adoptees talking. Like, what would you say? Like, hey, this is not a helpful thing to say. This is not a supportive thing to say. Versus like, what is an appropriate response to someone sharing as an adult adoptee? Because the one that comes to mind, honestly, is the You should be grateful. Yeah.

    Stacy 32:41

    Like, you should be grateful. It's gross and like, and also like, oh, did you want to live with your drug addicted parents? I've seen a lot, and I'm like, that first off, that is not even like, I can't even say that's like, the majority of families. Like, like, you're just like, pulling scenarios out of the air and being like, would you rather live with these No, like, I love my parents. I wouldn't have rather grown up in another family, but also, like, for one that wasn't true. But what if that was true? Like that is like, why would you say that to somebody that doesn't do anybody good? Referencing? Oh, well, you could have ended up dead in your family. I've seen that in comment sections, which is super inappropriate, or people. I also don't think it's awesome. Like, again, I understand that people had terrible scenarios growing up, but trauma dumping What happened to you to make somebody else feel bad, you know, like they didn't experience that is also weird. Like, Oh, well, my father did this to me, so you should be grateful that you got adopted. Like, that's weird. Like, don't

    KC Davis 33:42

    also, like, adoptive parents can do bad shit too. Oh, yeah, absolutely, it's not a guarantee, just because you got adopted. And then Stacy, sort of wrapping up, what would you say to maybe adult adoptees that are listening, that may be thinking of these things for the first time, or experiencing some of the like, did you have conflicting feelings? Was there a part of this that was difficult for you?

    Stacy 34:07

    So as an adult adoptee, I think you really if you are wanting to find your biological family, I think the biggest thing to prepare yourself for is that they may not want to find you right like or they may welcome you with open arms, but they're dysfunctional, or they may have been looking for you for a long time. You may not find them. You may find them and they don't want contact with you. Yeah, they might have died before you got to meet them. You really have to make sure, I would say, talk to a therapist and make sure that you are really prepared for any of those scenarios, because you don't want to go in with a fairy tale scenario in your head, because then that's the other thing we see. Is we see a lot of scenarios where adoptees meet their biological family and it's just roses and awesomeness and things like that. And that can happen like my mom has been in contact with her. Daughter for years, like, we went to her wedding back in 1994 we were, you know, we weren't in her wedding or anything like that, but we went to met her. We're in her wedding. Like, my parents don't want any contact, which is, again, fine like that. I mean, it's not fine because, like, medical history would be nice, but I don't think they also owe it to me at the same time, if that makes sense. And my sister has gotten in contact with both of her parents, and she has a good relationship with one of them, at least. So just, you just need to prepare yourself. And also, the reason why I kind of step back, and I don't really have a whole lot of videos on my Tiktok about this I deleted most of them, is because there is a lot of tension between how people process their adoption, and I decided that, because I have kind of my situation was better, I didn't find it productive to go in and counter other people's arguments, necessarily, because it's not I mean, I didn't want other people to feel like I was negating their experience, even though I Have a perhaps different outlook of what should be done to remedy the whole adoption scenario, right? But I worry about inviting in comment sections and video replies and how productive that is to the larger discussion. So I really would suggest, if you want to engage with these topics, like in a public atmosphere, that go to therapy and you really have a good handle on yourself before you start talking online in those spaces. So, yeah,

    KC Davis 36:30

    that's all really helpful. And I think, you know, as a therapist, I feel like the hardest thing for any person to do is to hold two truths at the same time. And, you know, I think that it can be true that you have feelings about your adoption and about and maybe anger or distress about, you know, the problematic aspects of adoption in general, and you love your parents, and you've had a good life, and you don't want to hurt your parents feelings. You know what I mean? Like, I just think it's important to say that, like everyone has that permission to hold two truths at the same time.

    Stacy 37:10

    I've been very fortunate that my mom my dad has passed. So I'm talking just about my mom currently has been very open, and we can talk about this subject because, you know, from a birth mother perspective and adoptee perspective, and sometimes we hurt each other's feelings, and that's okay. We just talk through and work through it, that having these conversations is really helpful, not only to us, but so that we can work to make the future a better place for other adoptees and how these systems continue on. Yeah,

    KC Davis 37:40

    it really isn't about anyone being the good guy or the bad guy. When it comes to talking about individual adoptive parents and adoptees, it really is about all of us being human. And I think most people are doing the best that they can with the information that they have at the time. And we're all growing, and we all make mistakes, and, you know, not kind of moving out of that adolescent phase of seeing everything in black and white and needing everyone to be sort of, you know, morally perfect. Well. Stacey, this has been a really great conversation, and I appreciate it so much. Do you want to plug anything of yours, your Tiktok handle, or anything like that? Sure. I

    Stacy 38:17

    think I'm drowning Ophelia at on Tiktok. Let me just verify before, before

    KC Davis 38:21

    you send them to somebody else's pain. Yeah, that's

    Stacy 38:23

    terrible. Yeah, no, I'm drowning Ophelia, because that is a name I have picked out for my online handles when I was 16, and I haven't changed it.

    KC Davis 38:31

    I love it. So awesome. Thank you. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
116: Follow Up: California Passes New Family Vlogging Law

Today’s episode is a follow-up to Episode 65, The Dark Underside of Family Vlogging, Part 1, which aired almost a year ago. My guest from that episode, Cam, returns to discuss her reaction to a recent big development in the world of family vlogging. Cam grew up as the child of one of the first well-known “Mommy bloggers,” and is an international advocate for the children of influencers and family vloggers. She shares her perspective on the new California law. Join us!

Show Highlights:

  • Understanding the basics of the Child Content Creator Act in California to protect kids’ rights (similar laws are being passed in Illinois and Minnesota)

  • Legal ramifications for parents who don’t follow “the 30% rule”

  • Children on reality TV shows do NOT fall under the new law.

  • Understanding the Coogan Law

  • Cam’s perspective on the protections of the law for children—and what she wishes the law included

  • “The right to forget”: what it means and why it’s not included in the law

  • Cam’s thoughts about a recent scary cancer diagnosis in light of her past history with vulnerability at the hands of her mom’s vlog

  • Growing up with NO boundaries or privacy

  • Laws in CA, IL, and MN to protect kids from being exploited

Resources and Links:

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:04

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and we are back in the studio with Cam. You'll remember cam from several episodes ago where we talked about family vlogging. Cam's mom was one of sort of the OG family mommy vloggers, and I wanted to sort of do this little catch up, because there's been kind of huge news in the family vlogging world. So cam, thank you for being back with us.

    Cam 0:29

    Thank you so much for having me again. Hello, hello.

    KC Davis 0:32

    Okay, so the big news is that California has passed a bill that relates to family vlogging. So share with us what that is. Yeah,

    Cam 0:45

    so similar to the bill that was passed here in my home state of Illinois that protects child vloggers or child influencers, we were able to talk to legislators over in California, we were able to speak to Governor Newsom and kind of express how necessary this bill is in a state like California, because, as you probably know, it's kind of like a quote, unquote, right of passage for family vloggers to pack up and move to California because of opportunities, or whatever the case might be. So we brought that to their attention after they were kind of seeing the work that we've been doing in several states around the country and with kind of comparing it to the Coogan law and explaining how, you know, these brands will seek out family bloggers so they have kids, but they don't have to pay the children legally. They were kind of horrified that this was able to go on for so long, and so they kind of copy and pasted the bill from Illinois. 30% of the revenue will be protected for the kids when they turn 18, which, you know, 30% is 30% but I still think it should be at least 50, but it passed, and yeah, I don't know. I'm sure we'll see a lot of family vloggers start to move out of California soon.

    KC Davis 2:03

    So when you say protected, you basically mean like, if I was to get a payment from a brand to make a video and my kids are in it, I would be required to put 30% of that payment into a bank account for my kids, and I wasn't allowed to spend it. Is that what that means? Yes, correct. So

    Cam 2:19

    you would be required by law, essentially, to have a Coogan account that's similar to what it's being compared to, and you would have to put 30% aside for your child. You can't touch it, and it's only accessible to your child when they turn 18.

    KC Davis 2:37

    And if a parent doesn't do that, does that give the child legal recourse when they turn 18. If that money's not there, yes,

    Cam 2:44

    it does, because legally, they are supposed to follow what is now being set up like if you are there's basically regulations and guidelines now. So if you're going to choose the route to post your child on social media, to monetize your family, to monetize your children, you have to do it the right way and set these things up now, of course, there's not like, you know, the government isn't gonna get like, a ding, a notification if someone doesn't do that. It's just kind of like, but you'll

    Speaker 1 3:15

    have recourse when you Right exactly. So for when I

    Cam 3:19

    like to compare it to like Alana, like Honey Boo Boo. Her mom was supposed to set up a cougan account for her for a few different things, and she never did. And so all of that money is missing, and legally, Alana is able to take action against her for the certain things where the Coogan account lies, not the reality TV, because those kids also aren't protected. But like the things she did where she as a child, was paid, she's able to legally go after her mother. I

    KC Davis 3:45

    don't think I realized that it doesn't apply to reality TV. Did I hear that? Right? Yeah. So children

    Cam 3:51

    on reality TV shows, they are not protected by the cougar. They actually have no protection so they can film from sunup to sundown. They don't have to. They don't pay the kids legally. It's up to the parent to kind of pay that. It's to just be ethical,

    KC Davis 4:09

    yeah, which doesn't happen. I

    Cam 4:13

    don't know if you remember, but when a lot of the stuff about the Duggars was coming out, I think her name is Jill, she said that her parents had were supposed to set aside money for the kids, and then her dad gave her $1,000 after like, 20 seasons of being on the show as a child. And you know, so none of those kids have that money, because those parents take it. And you know, it's their responsibility to, like you said, Be ethical, but they aren't. It's about even the John and Kate Plus eight kids like those kids you know, didn't have any protections as well.

    KC Davis 4:48

    And so for people who are listening that maybe aren't familiar with what the Cougar law is, maybe they didn't catch our last episodes. It's basically a law that regulates child acting how many hours a day they're. They can work, you know, how when they can get their education, and what happens to the money that they earn? So I am a little shocked to hear that that doesn't apply to reality TV. Yeah,

    Cam 5:12

    it's also something that we've kind of been advocating for, in a sense, just because reality TV is blown up. But yeah,

    KC Davis 5:18

    it's mild. So okay, two follow up questions. One is, are there any other protections in the law besides just the financial protection? And two is, are there any protections that didn't make it into the law that you would have liked to have seen?

    Cam 5:32

    So some of the protections that have made it into the bill, that I do think is important is parents have to keep kind of a log of how many minutes or hours their child is working for them, for like social media or whatever. And so it kind of goes hand in hand with the cougan law. So like these kids can't necessarily be exploited to the point where they are like their life is working for the camera every single day, all day, like there's no separation between reality and what's posted online. So I think that parents keeping track of how many hours they're making their children work. One, I mean, I think that's ethical. I think that that's really important. And two, I think it puts a responsibility on the parent, so they can kind of have perspective and see kind of how long they're making their child work, you know, because at the end of the day, kind of, I think a lot of people just think it's simple to just put your phone in front of your kid and be like, Oh, this is easy, whatever. But when you're looking at it on paper and you're seeing like, oh, I had my kid working for five hours today, you know, I think that kind of might put some into perspective for people.

    KC Davis 6:53

    Well, it strikes me as something that, you know, okay, so that's not probably enforceable, or if it is, it's probably really easy to get around. But I actually still think that it's a really like healthy law to have, because I feel like it's making a statement, which is like making it's like forcing people to recognize, like, No, this is work. You are requiring work from your child. This is not I have a little family camcorder, and we're recording happy family memories like, I think it is. I think making an important first step of saying, like, no, like, this is a thing, and we're gonna, like, officially, state legally that this is work, right, and you are forcing your child to work right? So I think that's a good first step. Is there anything that you would have liked to seen in in the law,

    Cam 7:40

    absolutely, the right to forget part has really been something that I've advocated for, these bills in every single state. However, it unfortunately hasn't made it in a bill yet. And what is that? So the right to forget is when the child turns 18, the child influencer turns 18, they would have the legal right to have any or all of the content removed off of the social media platform that their parent posted. So not only would we be holding parents accountable, but it would also be holding these social media platforms accountable. There are a few platforms who have been fighting against this. However, in recent light, they've actually been advocating with us. Now, Facebook was really against this. They lobbied against us really, really hard in Washington, but they were with us when it came to the Maryland bill. So

    KC Davis 8:35

    it's interesting, because this is people may not know this, but the right to be forgotten is a legal right in the EU so in the European Union, which is basically, like, if you don't want to be online, like you have a right to have things taken down online that are about you. And I obviously there's some nuance to it and things like that. But yeah, it's interesting. It does feel like it's not surprising to me that you would run up against resistance to that here as, like, a uniquely American culture around, like, sort of, maybe tangentially related to free speech, but it's kind of like this, no, I have a right. Like, you have the right to film anyone you want on in public. You have, you don't have a right to privacy in public, and someone can put it online. You can't do anything about that. And like, it does feel like there's kind of a uniquely American culture that would resist this idea that somebody would have the right to be like taken from the internet. But I'll tell you like. I'm sure you could relate like as someone who makes content. It's just like a totally unique experience to like blow up online, especially if you blow up in a negative way or in a way that gets criticized, and I can't imagine the trauma of blowing up completely against your will, like you didn't even put it online to begin with, or that you were a child, yeah,

    Cam 9:52

    and I think that's just again, like I could have biasness towards this, because whenever you Google my legal name, there's Photos. That pop up that I wish didn't pop up. I mean, that's why I don't go by my legal name on the internet. And I totally agree, and I think that's especially where we run into a lot of problems, because a lot of legislators that I've talked to around the country, every time we get to that part, it's kind of just like, oh, we'll see what we can do. We don't really, we don't really know how we can incorporate this? And it's, I don't think they realize that it's something that we can do, because, like you mentioned, this is something that happens in another country. So it's, I feel like we can definitely find a way to word this bill so these kids that have been forced to do things are protected because, I mean, hey, the post about me getting my first period when I was nine years old, that's still on the internet. I can't do anything about that. And it's just like, it sucks. It

    KC Davis 10:51

    does seem like it should at least apply to children. Absolutely, I

    Cam 10:55

    agree. Like, I

    KC Davis 10:56

    understand the argument against, like, oh, you know, if you maybe, if you did something horrible and it got publicity. Maybe you shouldn't, you know, be allowed to run away from that, but like a child, I think should have that, right?

    Cam 11:08

    I agree.

    KC Davis 11:09

    So switching gears just a moment, I wanted to ask you kind of a personal question that I already asked, if it was okay to ask, but so you recently got kind of a scary medical diagnosis,

    Cam 11:19

    yeah. So I've been advocating for myself to kind of get these tests done. It's taken a while, and I was recently diagnosed with stage four cancer. It's treatable, but it's spread, so it's a little bit scarier. I mean, cancer in general is obvious, obviously, just very scary. But, yeah, it's been interesting, kind of navigating the diagnosis along with having a platform of my own. Yeah,

    KC Davis 11:45

    I'm curious, like, how you know one of part of your story is your mom, like, very much publicizing your medical history and the things that happened to you medically, and the times you were in the hospital and and I'm curious, like, as an adult, how that still affects you, especially going through a big medical event like this,

    Cam 12:05

    yeah, so you know, when I first found out, I just panicked, and I had so much anxiety. And of course, it was because finding out I have cancer is scary, but I felt so vulnerable and so exposed. I guess I don't really know how to explain it, because, I mean, I'm in the privacy of my own home, but in my mind, it's like, oh my god, like it didn't feel in my control. And so I was just getting real, like I was isolating myself, like it didn't feel private. Yes, exactly. And it got to a point where I was starting to really isolate myself and not talk to anybody and like, I just was like, Okay, I'm just gonna keep all of this a secret. And like, I'm not gonna whatever. I'm not gonna just, I won't burden people with it, like it's my thing to carry and my partner, my fiance, Alex, they said, you know, after we were leaving the doctor's office, I just was like, Great, now I have to tell everybody. And, like, I have to update everybody. And my partner was like, No, you don't. They were like, you don't have to tell anybody anything until you're ready to tell what you want to tell. And I think, I think kind of getting a big diagnosis like that, I felt obligated to make like, update everybody. Like, get on all my social media platforms, and get on Facebook, which I haven't been on in years, and be like, I have cancer, but kind of having that reassurance for my partner of them, being like, you are not obligated to post anything. You are not obligated to tell anybody until you've processed this yourself and you're mentally ready to tell people. And I think kind of hearing that was just like, it was like, like a weight off my shoulders, kind of Yeah. Well, one

    KC Davis 13:59

    thing that kind of strikes me is like, as an adult who makes content about my life, like, I have a very clear line between, like, my real life and what I talk about online. And there's tons of things that happen in my real life that I don't talk about online, right? And I specifically talk about the things online in a specific way, but like, that's an adult, right? Like a child who just kind of has a camera put in front of their face and their real moments documented and then put online, like they're not gonna develop that same sense of boundary. And so it's interesting and heartbreaking to me that, like, after you got the diagnosis, part of your initial anxiety was already like, how am I gonna talk to the internet about this? Or, like, how am I going to update everyone? Or, like, how am I going to roll this out? It's like, honestly, like, the, you know what I mean, and like, that's such an extra anxiety. Like, how am I going to roll this out? Like, all the PR people are coming in,

    Cam 14:52

    yeah, it's just like, it's like, an instinct, almost, because, and I always say, like, I was literally raised on the internet, like, I, I. Grew up on the internet, in a sense, where not only was my parental Guardian, the person who was supposed to trust and protect me and teach me these things, posting everything. So like, I'm thinking, it's okay. So like, like, I'm a chronic overshare for a reason, because I I grew up without boundaries. And so that's something that, like as an adult, I'm really, really trying to work on in therapy, is knowing that these boundaries are okay. And even, like, I said, like, just that reassurance of being told, like, I don't have to run to the internet and immediately post this, like, I'm allowed to process this separately, and then if I decide to share, like, then I can share. It's just kind of like, oh, like, you're right. I can do that and you're right. It is kind of sad, like, you know, like, my first instinct was literally like, run to Twitter and be like, lol, I have cancer. Like, you know, like,

    KC Davis 15:56

    yeah, okay, so the one in California is the child content creator Rights Act, yes, and I just want to mention that in case anybody wants to, like, look it up and, you know, use it as a template. In Illinois, it's called the child influencer law, I think. But what's interesting is that Minnesota passed a similar bill that's going to be effective next year, that prohibits children under the age of 14 from engaging in the work of content creation, and requires adult content creators to delete content if a minor appearing in the content requests removal. Yeah,

    Cam 16:28

    that one is huge. That one I am very, very excited about. I don't think a lot of people know about it, because it's Minnesota, which, I mean, no shade to Minnesota, but it's just, you know, focused on California, but I'm so thrilled about that one, especially because on social, and this is something I have been saying to every legislator that we've met with on social media, there is a rule that you have to be 13 or 14, depending on what platform to even post on that platform. So seeing Minnesota actually kind of enact like, Hey, if you're under 14, you can't have these kids working for your social media account, I think that that's really huge. Like, I think that it's I think it's going to protect a lot of kids from being exploited, and I think it's going to protect a lot of kids from thinking that oversharing or just constantly posting everything on the internet isn't okay. Like, I think, I mean, 14, obviously you're still a child. You're still so young, don't get me wrong, but I think at 14, you're smarter than you are at six, you know what I'm saying? Like, you have more awareness, is what I'm trying to say. Well,

    KC Davis 17:43

    that sounds like great news. And I hope that you know, if you're listening from other states and this is something that interests you, you'll go and look at those laws and see write a letter to your local government, see if we can get more of these laws passed. Cam, thank you so much for taking the time to come in and update us on that and to share a little bit more of your story. And I really appreciate the time. Thanks for having me. Of course, have a great day. You too. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
115: The Difference Between Bullying and Ordinary Meanness (and why it matters) with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore

Hello, World!

Today’s episode covers the topics of bullying, meanness, and conflict. My guest is uniquely qualified to share her wisdom and expertise, which she did in a TEDx talk. Bullying or meanness: what’s the difference, and how do we recognize the two? Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

● Dr. Eileen’s background as a clinical psychologist and author

● The specific criteria in the definition of bullying

● Empowering our kids to withstand meanness without taking a victim stance: “Conflict is inevitable.”

● Bullying has become “a thought-stopping cliche.”

● Meanness and bullying in the online world

● Vulnerability in being a content creator and dealing with feedback

● A better approach with kids: “Whose opinion matters to you?”

● The truth about self-esteem and a “quiet ego”

● Connecting with something greater than ourselves

● Helping kids learn self-compassion rather than self-esteem (Dr. Eileen teaches a “reflect, but downshift” technique in her book, Kid Confidence.)

● Dr. Eileen’s formula for teaching reflection to kids

● “Whose feelings are most important?”

● Validating and normalizing kids’ feelings (by following their lead) by offering empathy and confidence

● Being your kids “biased biographer”

● Learning to “stay in the water” instead of standing on the edge of the pool ● “Testing the water” to pull back on accommodations

Resources and Links:

Connect with Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore: Website (Find books for parents and kids!) and Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast,

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website:

www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music. Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and today I have Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore with me, and we're going to talk about the difference between bullying and ordinary meanness, which is the title of the TEDx talk that you did. That's right, although

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 0:21

    Ted central changed the title to conflict resolution on the playground, which is so bland,

    KC Davis 0:29

    but what can I do? Oh, that's funny, yeah. No, I like the first title better, for sure. So tell me a little bit of your background of how you kind of came to be the person on TED stage talking about the difference between bullying and ordinary meanness. Well, I'm

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 0:42

    a clinical psychologist, so I work with adults, children and families, and I've also written a whole bunch of books about children's feelings and friendships for both parents and kids, and one of the things that I often saw in my practice is that the B word gets thrown around too casually. So one of the stories that I tell in the TEDx is I had this middle school boy come in and he told me I was bullied today. And I said, what happened? And he said, this kid, he told me, quit making that annoying noise. It's like, No, that is not bullying, and researchers actually have a very specific definition of bullying. It involves deliberate meanness targeting a specific person, usually repeatedly over time, although sometimes one especially horrible action can count, and the most important part of the definition is that there is a power difference between the kid doing the bullying and the kid being bullied without that power difference. It's not bullying, it's just ordinary meanness or conflict or an unfortunate event or something like that. Now this definition, this distinction, is really, really important for a number of reasons. First of all, if we call every little thing that a kid does that we don't like bullying. We're really trivializing the very serious cases of peer abuse, and I don't like that. The other thing is that we're saying to our kids, you're fragile. You can't handle it if anyone is even slightly mean to you, and I don't think that that's empowering for our children. They are going to face somebody being mean to them. We do it as adults too. You know that somebody will say something like or, you know, we'll be irritated with somebody, and maybe we'll say something that, oh, gosh, I wish I hadn't said that. This is not good, but it's something that we can work through.

    KC Davis 2:41

    Yeah, that's what's hard, right? It's like, okay, on the one hand, I don't want to say we should normalize ordinary meanness as if it's okay or provable, or it's not a big deal, or it's not hurtful, but there is a sense of, like, normalizing it for a child, in the sense of, like, hey, this isn't okay. It's not acceptable. But like, it's going to happen, and you can survive it, and we can walk through it, and we can figure and it's not like the world is not ending Exactly,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 3:09

    exactly. You are not devastated by that.

    KC Davis 3:13

    This is not going to cause, probably long term damage, like most people are going to have general meanness experiences in their life, right?

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 3:23

    And that, again, I'm so glad that you brought that up. I am not in favor of bullying or meanness or anything like that, but I do think it's something that we all need to figure out how we're going to deal with conflict, because conflict is inevitable. My favorite work activity is I have this little podcast that comes out every week. It's just five minutes, and it's called kids ask Dr friend tastic. And every episode features an audio recording of a question from a kid about friendship, and then I try to say something practical and thought provoking. So I have so many favorite episodes, but in one of them, a kid, a little six year old named Zen, asked, How do I not have conflict with my friend? And I said, Well, there's only one way you can never have conflict with your friend, and that is you and your friend have to think and feel exactly the same at every single second, but wait, then you couldn't be friends, because he would be the same person. So, you know, it is just unavoidable that we're going to disagree, but that conflict is actually useful. Now, most of us go through life assuming that, yeah, pretty much everybody thinks the way I do, but that's just human nature. So conflict is actually what brings us up in those moments to go, Huh? I guess they see it differently. Oh, okay, so

    KC Davis 4:48

    here's something that I think is light bulbing. For me for the first time, is that if we call everything bullying, one of the things that we lose, we position our children to react to. Any feelings of hurt, feelings in this very black and white, they've done something wrong. I am a victim. They are bad. There is nothing else to think about here, when, in reality, like the majority of the conflict we experience, you know, because we're human, there might be, you know, a slightly out of line comment, or maybe a little too sharp of a tone, or maybe outright something kind of mean they said,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 5:25

    or they didn't realize that that was a sensitive topic for us. Yeah, they

    KC Davis 5:29

    didn't, they didn't realize it, or maybe you did something really hurtful to them, and that's their knee jerk reaction. And we're not saying it's okay that that's their reaction. It almost it's like bullying has become a thought stopping cliche in some places. That's exactly right, and it also seems like it would harm people that are being bullied, because if someone is being bullied, we don't want to talk to them about, Well, what did you do to bring that on? And do you see their point of view and like, it really does come down to like. You need really different interventions and responses depending on what it is, you need to diagnose it Right exactly.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 6:03

    Because, if there truly is a power difference, if it's the kid doing the meanness or the bullying is bigger, stronger, tougher, more socially powerful, or if it's a group of kids picking on one kid, we cannot expect that one kid to say, you know, we'll just speak up to them. No, they can't. There's the power difference. That's what makes it difficult or impossible for that kid being targeted to deal with it. In that case, they need adult intervention to be those safety guardrails. But if it's just one stupid comment, because they're a kid and you're a kid, and they don't know how to handle conflict, and we adults, let's be honest, we're not so good at conflict either.

    KC Davis 6:45

    This is all applicable to adults, absolutely.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 6:47

    So we all need to figure out, how can I raise my point without, you know, punching at them verbally, or certainly, otherwise, How can I when do I just need to, like, roll my eyes and say, I love them anyway. And, you know, so it's a balance. It's not like they're just do this one thing and then you're fine. We really need to be thinking about it. We always, always, always need to try to imagine the other person's perspective. Because, as you said, maybe they're responding to something that I did before that. Michael Thompson, the author, has this wonderful line that I wish I'd written, and it says his description of conflict among between kids. And it goes it all started when she kicked me back. Isn't that great?

    KC Davis 7:37

    So good. So Dr Eileen, I want to ask you about, like, if we take this concept of meanness and bullying, and then I want to step for a minute into the world of the internet, which is like, where a large portion of my presence is, is being on Tiktok and Instagram and being a content creator there. And it's been really interesting for me to see the discourse around what bullying looks like online. And certainly, I think we have instances, you know, where, especially with children like you mentioned, like, oh, the website of all these are cyber bullying and things like that. But when I think it gets interesting is when we think about someone who has, like, an online persona, and the difference between meanness and bullying. And this is actually funny, because this on my mind today, because I actually just had someone comment on one of my videos and said, You know, I think that, you know, I've been trying to tell you that I think that you're a bully, because you are sometimes really mean to people. And there is such a stark power differential. You have 1.2 million followers, and you know, you can mobilize a huge group of people. And we see this, there are people, there are creators out there who have, we call, like, call out accounts or, you know, they'll kind of get into an interpersonal spat with someone. And it is true that someone with a really large following has social capital and can, sort of like direct other people to go to this other kind of lone person on the internet. And so their point was that there is a power differential always between me and some like, random commenter on the internet, and now I've never, like, sought someone out to like, say something mean about them what they're referring to.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 9:29

    Yeah, like, I haven't, I don't know what they're talking about, but I cannot imagine you getting all your followers to say, Take that one down. That doesn't seem like anything I know about you.

    KC Davis 9:39

    No, it's almost always me responding to someone in my comment section that has said something that I thought was inappropriate or hurtful or whatever. But what I have found really interesting is that while I agree with the argument that in that instance, there's a case to be made that I am in that like it's not just. Me being mean to someone, even if I was mean, right? Like, let's say it's not just me. It's bullying because of the power difference. But in my experience, like, there's also a lot of power that comes from being anonymous on the internet. I

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 10:15

    was just gonna say that there is absolutely the power of because I've done a fair bit like between the books and videos and articles what have you. I'm out there. Also, there is a vulnerability, because anybody can say anything about you. So I'm not sure I totally buy that. It's a one way power dynamic. You Yeah.

    KC Davis 10:43

    I mean, certainly there are things you could do to leverage it, like we the example of, Hey, everyone, go get this person. Or if you're making maybe, like, video after video after video about a random private citizen or whatever,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 10:54

    but you're not going to do that, but you are very vulnerable. And I and you know anybody who makes the effort to share content with the world? Because the world can be vicious, and it

    KC Davis 11:07

    becomes groups of people who anonymously, make more profiles or get other people to come, and it's like, you can't. My thing is always, and I don't want, I'm like, trying to, sorry, this is like, fresh on my mind.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 11:18

    Because, yes, of course, so do. I

    KC Davis 11:20

    think that not only did I get that one, but I got a ton, but that's on the back of a ton of other like, hate comments I've been getting for days about how ugly I am and how mean I am and how awful I am. So

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 11:30

    Brene Brown talks about that, about people writing, you know, more Botox, less research. It's like, ouch, ouch. So it is a very brave thing to go out there and put stuff out there, put your ideas out there, try to be helpful. And yeah, anybody can say something vicious about you, and you can't really hit back, and you wouldn't want to, but I think that people don't always realize how vulnerable creators are. And exactly as you said, because it's so public, so that person who said whatever mean thing about you, they are actually harnessing your earned audience to punch at you. So I don't think they're powerless. That was intentional. Like I'm not gonna quibble about who's bullying who you know? I think that was certainly unkind,

    KC Davis 12:24

    but I do think it's interesting when we think about online spaces, I think that's where power differential sometimes becomes harder to quantify, like, if it's this is my boss, okay, power differential, right? If it is, maybe even from a social capital more, where it's like a white woman in public, sort of harassing a black woman. It's like, okay, there's an obvious social capital racism power differential there. If it's a like you said, a bigger kid, a stronger kid, a more popular kid. But it's interesting to me, once we move online, that it's a little bit harder to talk about bullying versus meanness, one because power differential, I think, is harder. But also what I find interesting is the repetition part. You mentioned that, like, it can be one thing that's really severe, but usually it's sort of like a cumulative and targeted over and over. And I think that anybody who has

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 13:13

    put their ideas out in public has encountered nasty people like so my first book for parents was called the unwritten rules of friendship, simple strategies to help your child make friends. Like, what is more G rated than that? Like, I am the most G rated person on earth, right? But I saw this one reviewer who called the book nauseating because it doesn't contain bible quotes. Now, okay, like, I don't have to go there, but I don't remember a lot of comments about play dates in the Bible. But you know, so and you know, this person felt very free to just say this. And of course, they had the right to their opinion, but they didn't just not buy my book. You know, they made a point of announcing it to everybody that it's nauseating, and it's like, Do you know how long it took me to write that book? You know, all the research that I read for it, but, and I would consider

    KC Davis 14:08

    that and tell me if you'd agree, like that would be to me, like, ordinary meanness, yeah, because

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 14:13

    I don't care. Like, this is not, you know, something that wounded me, because this is not someone's opinion I respect. Yeah, exactly. But

    KC Davis 14:20

    what's interesting to me is, like, let's say you have a teenager online and whatever, in way, they're like, they're getting a lot of comments, but it's not from the same person. It's not even coordinated. It's not like a group of people who are coordinating, coordinating. It's just that, as they grow up and they're on the internet, and this, this is, I think this happens a lot with teenagers, I think, and I see it a lot with, like, professional people who have any kind of online persona where, okay, no one is bullying them, but psychologically they are being bullied like they are still having the experience. Of this repetitive onslaught, anonymous power differential, like, it's just like an interesting thing that I think happens online, and I'm curious, like, how we address that with kids, how we handle that as adults? And because it is, like, a huge impact.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 15:15

    So a lot of times, parents will give their teenagers sermons about you shouldn't care what other people think. Well, they can't. You know that that's just not possible. And if they did, they would be sociopaths, because only sociopaths don't care what anybody right. So I think the better message to give them, or the more useful message, is whose opinion matters to you? Your parents, sure your close friends, sure, your teacher, yeah, some anonymous person who you know, you know, grumpy pirate 27 like whatever. You don't even know who that is, and that person is not creating things and trying to put it out there. So I think with teenagers, they're trying to figure out who they are. They're experimenting with different ideas, almost like putting on hats. So one of my main advice pieces to parents of teenagers is, whatever the kid did a month ago, you can't hold that against them, because that was an entirely different person. So you just gotta let it go. But so they're trying on these identities, and sometimes they're going to get nonsense. And like you and I, are old enough to be have more established identities, maybe more established relationships that anchor us. It's harder for a young person, and all we can do, I think, is talk about it. What do you think motivates someone to make a mean comment to a stranger, let the words come out of their lips. How do you think you should respond if a stranger says something that's mean,

    KC Davis 16:49

    I like that. You're saying that, you know, that we shouldn't just say, oh, you know, don't care what people think. Don't listen to what people think. Because I think there's something kind of invalidating about that. And I think in my experience, and I feel like this is how any teenager would feel, like, even if you know that that person's opinion maybe isn't correct, or that's just their projection or whatever, it doesn't take away the pain of this individual wants to hurt me, like, whether their information is accurate or not, it's still wounding to be like, there's a person out there who just, like, decided what they wanted today was for me to be in pain, right?

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 17:28

    So is that person who's someone whose opinion you respect, somebody who has nothing better that to do with their time than be nasty online. So let's not give them the satisfaction and to say your problem, not mine. Now it's different because you said sometimes you'll have a teen who gets multiple comments along the same direction. So you know, if you get feedback, you might want to think about it. It's like, Huh? I've heard several people said that maybe I should tone it down a little bit, or think about how I'm expressing that feedback doesn't feel good, but if you're

    KC Davis 18:05

    getting, yeah, do you think that's part of it too? Like, I feel like people they mistake I don't like what you're saying with your being mean, or like you're this feedback about me that's critical. Is you being mean? And people have a hard time distinguishing? Yeah,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 18:20

    and I think there's, it's very people are very quick to cancel someone and say you're toxic, meaning you have no value, no worth. And I don't believe that, like you might have made a mistake, you might have done something unkind, you might need to learn something, but you know, to just dismiss people entirely. So I had a client once, she was a college girl, and she had a best friend who was very close to her, and then she fell in love with this guy, and they started dating, and the roommate, the best friend was jealous, and my client tried to say, well, let's have brunch. Let's do this, and let's make sure we have time. But the best friend was still angry, and then, after she'd been dating this guy, I don't know, was it six months a long time, the roommate sent her a letter, five pages handwritten, and the gist of the letter was, you're bad, like that is not how you resolve a conflict. So if I had the other roommate as a client, I would have suggested start first with connection. I miss you. Offer validation for their point of view. I know it's so exciting for you to have this relationship, and I'm so happy for you that it's been going so well for so long, you look really happy with him, and that's great. And then ask for what you want like. So could we make sure that we have some time together? You know, let's talk about what makes sense, and that's going to get a. Positive response, as opposed to the you're bad, which is just a conversation Ender, yeah.

    KC Davis 20:05

    And when you talk about, you know, helping, maybe helping kids or teens deal with the ordinary meanness by sort of saying, okay, like, just because they say that about me doesn't mean that that's true. I feel like that really ties into, sort of like, your other area of expertise, which is like children and self esteem. And I want to talk about that for a minute as well, because I know there's a lot of parents that listen to the podcast, and I've also never heard advice for children that wasn't applicable to adults. To be honest, like so many of my

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 20:36

    Yes, yes. Isn't it fascinating? Yes,

    KC Davis 20:38

    but you know, I think it's I'm really interested in self esteem, because I feel like when I was growing up, there was a big push for the self esteem movement, and now we're sort of looking back and going, did that work? Like, yeah, I want like, I know that science

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 20:54

    says no. So what research finds is that higher self esteem is not associated with better mood. It is not associated with better school performance. It is not associated actually, it might be associated with better mood, but it's not associated with better school performances. It's not associated with having kids avoid sex, drug and other bad things that we don't want them doing. It's not associated with better relationships. In fact, bullies tend to have higher self esteem. I was gonna say, like it, yeah, yeah. So this is not and you see a lot of stuff on like Instagram about how you can't succeed without believing yourself that is the key to success, or you can't have a relationship unless you love yourself, and that's simply not empirically true. So what I like I was I wrote this book because I kept seeing all this nonsense about self esteem, things like affirmations to say good things to yourself, or heap your kids with lots of praise, and scientifically, that does not work. If you've got a kid who's self doubting and tell him to do affirmations, or you heap them with praise, it makes them feel worse, because it highlights the contrast between whatever it is you're saying and how they actually feel. This is science.

    KC Davis 22:17

    I remember being a kid, and I remember that the more praise people would heap onto me, the more shame I felt, because I was, like, if you only knew, Oh, look, I feel even I feel even less disconnected, like I feel even more disconnected now, because the only people that like me are the ones that don't know me.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 22:38

    Yes, that is perfect articulation of how a kid or an adult with low self esteem tends to think, and also the other recipe that's always pushed is accomplishments. No, we all know adults who are very accomplished but hate themselves, so then we certainly don't want to put our kids on a treadmill of constantly having to prove their worth. And I think the problem is that the whole premise of boosting kids' self esteem is wrong. So I mean, how many people stand in front of a mirror and say, gosh, I love myself and like, would you want to be friends with them if they did? No, no, that is not what we're aiming for. What we're aiming for is more like the way we are with a close friend, so you're not thinking, does he like me, or is she impressed by me? You're not even thinking about yourself, because you're immersed in the conversation or the activity. And there's this beautiful kind of forgetting of the self, which is called a quiet ego. Isn't that beautiful? I just love that term. Yeah,

    KC Davis 23:40

    it reminds me of my favorite quote by CS Lewis, where he says humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. And this has been my experience to a T like I went through rehab when I was 16. I had really low self worth, self esteem problems, and they did the whole Oh, stare in the mirror and tell yourself, I'm good enough today. And none of that worked. No. But what's interesting is that, you know, as I got better, I did get sober, and I did become like a healthy person, but I didn't think about myself any less. Now I was just thinking about, Am I doing the good things? Am I doing the good things? Am I doing the good things? It really wasn't until I just stopped thinking about myself in general as much.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 24:18

    Yeah, so either thinking I'm amazing or, you know, I'm terrible, both of those are focused inward. And what we want to on judging the self, and that's a dead end. So what we really want to do is turn down the volume on self focus and self judgment, and we do this by connecting with something bigger than ourselves. And that sounds so Hallmark, but it is absolutely true. And we've all had moments of that, when you're moved with compassion for a friend. You're not thinking, do I look good now when you stand under the night sky and just feel that deliciously small that. Sense of, oh, again, you're not thinking, how am I doing? You know, is everybody impressed?

    KC Davis 25:04

    Well, there were periods of my life where I was thinking that even under the night sky, but those were the ones where I was not happy. But Dr Eileen, how do I help my kids do this? Like I have a six year old and when she struggles with perfectionism or self doubt or something, it's hard as a parent to not go right to but you're so special. I love you so much. You're so great. How do I help a young child instead learn self compassion instead of self esteem? Right?

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 25:31

    So it depends on what they're doing. So the book that I talk about this is called Kid confidence. Help your child make friends, build resilience and develop real self esteem, and I talk each chapter is one of those things that the self doubting kids say, like, nobody likes me, or the worst kid in the world, or whatever it is, so we kind of just take it step by step with each one and like, I'm a clinician, so I'm very much a roll up my sleeves. What are we going to do kind of thing, but for a kid who is putting themselves down. Remember, with a little one, some of it is experiment to see how you respond, and what I recommend, yeah, some of it is a twinge of oof, but some of it is also they're feeling their way in the world and in relationships. So what I would recommend is don't get into an argument about whether or not they're worthless, like that's not the topic. You know, they're a human being. They have worth. What I would do instead is focus on the feelings behind the comment. And one technique that I recommend is what I call reflect but downshift, so you describe the kid's feelings, but then for bonus points, you attach in this situation at this moment, so it's not a Forever and always. So you're feeling discouraged with this particular project that you're trying to do tonight, you know? So we're making it smaller and more anchored, but we're acknowledging how they're actually feeling. Don't tell them don't feel that way. Just reflection is such a Dippy intervention, but some of us have made a career out of it, because it works. It feels good to be heard, and especially as a parent, when you acknowledge your kid's feelings, you're ramping them up in words, which makes them feel more understandable and more manageable. And when you as a parent do it, it's like you're holding half the weight of those big feelings. Now I have a couple of recommendations about how to reflect with kids. The basic formula is you're feeling blank because blank or you could also say it's hard for you when, or it bothers you when, or you wish whatever it was. We adults tend to want to skip the feelings and go right to the solution, but kids won't let us, so we really have to meet them where they are. I had a family once. The parents were these lovely, gentle people, and one day, their son came home and said, I hate Stuart's guts, and I'm changing names, of course. So the parents responded by saying something like, throughout history, dehumanization is what has led to atrocities. So I work in Princeton, what I can't What can I say? So, like, this is true, right? It's good. We shouldn't teach our kids, not sure, but they were completely talking past the kid. So the kid responded by saying, I want to kill Stuart and these poor parents were horrified, thinking they're raising a future AX murder. But the principle is, when kids don't feel heard, they get louder. So this is a Dippy intervention, but just reflect, reflect, reflect, until you see the softening in their face and in their body, and then and only then can we move on to problem solving, and it's better to ask rather than tell.

    KC Davis 28:47

    And when do we pivot? Like, because I feel like sometimes reflecting works really well for my kids, but then, like, occasionally I get a that's what I just said, like, you know, like, I'm like, I'm getting and I feel like, as a therapist, I've, it's like they kind of go, okay, therapist like, that's true. Like, we get a little too therapisty on it. And, you know, when where's that middle ground of, like, I want to validate your feelings. I think we follow the kids lead. Yeah, follow the kids lead. Okay. I love that downshift language because I was just talking to a friend this morning about, you know, I really I want to validate my kids emotions, and I want them to, you know, honor their feelings and things like that. But at the same time, you know, I don't want to make such a big deal out of every feeling they have, that they think every time I have a feeling the world needs to stop because something horrible is happening, or something or that I can't do things that are uncomfortable or that there aren't, you know what I mean. And so how do we validate but also normalize? You know, I feel like there's kind of a middle there absolutely is,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 29:53

    and we follow the kids lead. So if they say, I know that's what I just said, and you can say, Okay, I just wanted to make sure that. I understood, and that's fine, but it is we do have to watch our instinct to leap in. So I had a mom of a high schooler once as my client, and one day her kid came home spitting nails because of something that happened at school. I don't remember what it was, but she's like, I can't believe the teacher did whatever it was. And the mom told me that for once, she remembered to do the reflection. Because normally she would be like saying, well, you should do this. You know, you should go talk to the teacher, but she said, for once, I remembered, and she said, you're really frustrated that the teacher did whatever she did. And the kid goes, Yeah, and it's not fair, because she's always doing things like this. And the mom said, it's hard for you when she keeps doing this thing, even though, you know it's hard on the rest of you, or whatever. And the kid said, Yeah, and it's just not fair that she does that. And she says it really bothers you that she's doing this thing again and again. And the kid said, yeah. So now what did we see? We see the softening in her face and her body. So the mom knew, if she could say, So, what do you think you might do about it? And the kid said, I guess I'll go talk to the teacher. And she stormed off. And the mom was like, Well, it worked so and it worked a lot better than the mom said, why don't you just talk to the teacher, even though the mom was right, that's exactly what she should have done. But we made room for the kid to think about it. But to your point about their feelings are not the end of the world. Like you know, I've devoted my whole professional life to people's feelings, but our feelings in a given moment are not necessarily the most important thing. I had a younger kid once who just hated, hated, hated getting her picture taken. And it was grandma's birthday, and the whole family was gathering from all over, and I said to the kid, I get it, you hate pictures. You know, you just feel uncomfortable. You just really dislike pictures. She goes, yeah. And I said, whose feelings are most important at grandma's birthday? She goes, grandma's. And I was like,

    KC Davis 32:01

    yeah, that is so helpful, Dr Eileen, that has unlocked some things, because it's also not even, like, whose feelings are most important, but like, I was just listening in this moment, just this morning, I was listening to a Tiktok of this lady that was like, you know, if your kid says, you know, I don't want to try this, like, the sandwich tastes like peanut butter. And you know, it doesn't, because there's no peanut butter on there. And, you know you like, maybe just say, okay, that's fine. Don't eat it. And in my head, I was like, my child's diet would be two items if I just literally validated every fear and feeling she has about food. But at the same time, there's this concept that you just mentioned, of like your feelings can be valid, and is your feeling more important in this moment than perhaps what your body might need, the opportunity to have a new food, the like, like that, I think, unlocked something for me where it's not either or it's not shut up and try the sandwich, or quit being so sensitive, or, ugh, you're too much eat the sandwich. But it's also not okay, sweetie. You know, I told I want to validate your fear of the sandwich. And, you know, like, or having to have this long, drawn out kind of, like tiptoe conversation about, like, cajoling them into the sandwich. It's like, hey, you know what? Sometimes I feel afraid when I've tried something new, too. And

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 33:25

    that one yeah and yes

    KC Davis 33:29

    in this moment. You know, trying, you know, the opportunity to try a new food that might give you a lot of nutrition for your body is more important than what you feel.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 33:38

    I mean, we all it's always a judgment call, but one of the reasons that we adults are the ones with the car keys and the credit card is because we have a bigger perspective. You know, kids are just like in this moment right now. So there's a lot of interesting research by somebody named Ellie Liebowitz, and he's out of Yale, and he treats childhood anxiety, and he never meets the parents, or never meets the kid. He only works with the parents. Isn't that interesting. And what he finds is that when kids have an anxiety disorder, more and more, the parents do things to accommodate that anxiety, you know, like we don't want the kid to explode. So okay, we'll find we'll, you know, do it three times and, you know, check the whatever, and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So what he has to do the parents do is dial back the accommodations. Can't control the kid. Can only control what happens around the kid. And he says that there are two key ingredients that parents need to offer empathy, because the kid really is struggling. You know they're not doing this just to make your life harder, and confidence that this is hard for you, and I know you can do this. I know not that you won't feel scared or uncomfortable or whatever, but I know you can get through it. One of my favorite interventions for developing real confidence is. Is for parents to be our kids biased biographers. So tell the collect and tell those stories of where the kids struggled initially and then triumphed. I remember when you were first learning to swim and you were afraid to put your face in the water. And now look at your year of fish. I remember when you were first learning to ride your bike and you fell and you fell and you fell, and now look at you zipping around. I remember the first time you went to soccer and you were so nervous and you didn't know what to do, and now it's your favorite activity. So because we have that broader perspective, we can be their biased biographers and tell these stories of struggle followed by Triumph.

    KC Davis 35:42

    You and this idea of empathy is big, I think, because I just know there are people listening that when they heard the term dial back the accommodations, they bristled and they felt triggered and they felt because I think part of where a lot of this comes from is that we remember being children kind of raised by that, you know, be seen, not her generation, or that generation, that maybe we were undiagnosed ADHD or undiagnosed autistic, or we undiagnosed anxiety, and our parents were going, you know, get over it. Who cares? And so we're trying to do the opposite. But I think sometimes we might go too far, like, we're parenting out of a reaction of our own wounds,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 36:24

    yes, and you can't make up for what happened before. Like, if that's your game plan, it's

    KC Davis 36:29

    not gonna work. Yeah, yeah. Like, because my parent was too tough and never gave me accommodations. Now I almost parent out of this fear, and I am over accommodating, over tiptoeing, over sort of like, you know, I'm almost like, making my kids anxiety worse, because, you know, I'm doing all these things. And so, you know, I know that you don't mean rip all the accommodations away, but I don't want to just specify that for the audience, because I do think that attuned, connected, empathetic caregiver saying, You know what, Honey, we're actually not going to do that right now. Or, you know what, Honey, we're going to do it anyways. Or we're not going to use this, you know, accommodation of this tool right now, right? And I know it's going to

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 37:16

    be hard for you. Yeah, that's so different. And I believe in you. I believe in you. I know you can do this, and you might even say, I'll be right here with you, or I'll see you at the whatever or so and so's gonna help you, or whatever. So the metaphor that I use with kids all the time, and sometimes with my adults too, is that you can't get used to the water by standing at the edge of the pool, so we really have to stay in the water, and what changes? You know, you jump into the pools like, oh my gosh, it's freezing. If you stay in the water, you're going to get used to it. That's just a physiological fact. Does the water temperature change? No. What changes is our perception of it. Now, if the kid wants to go in toe by toe, that's absolutely fine. I'm certainly a toe by toe person myself, but no amount of standing by the edge of the pool is going to get you used to the water. So the protecting the kid from feeling uncomfortable, it feels good to us, because, you know, we don't have to deal with the big fuss. And you know, we like the idea of being protective, but sometimes, and it's hard

    KC Davis 38:22

    as a parent, if you had parents that did not accommodate you, that were not empathetic towards you, that did not think about your need, it's hard, I think, when you had parents where you felt like your pain didn't even affect them, or didn't affect them the way It should, we never learn what amount of discomfort is okay for our children to feel and what isn't, because it is my job to protect my kid from some kinds of pain or to accommodate for some kind right? But I think sometimes, if you don't have that model, you don't know how much discomfort is appropriate, and you're we're all just kind of trying to figure it out. But I think, to your point, you know, knowing that it's not one extreme or the other exactly,

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 39:06

    and it's got to be both ingredients, the empathy plus the confidence. So one of my principles is that realistic expectations for kids are what they do pretty much most of the time now, or just a bit beyond that, we can get very tangled if we think about, you know, what kids ought to do, or what most kids could do, or what the younger sister could do. I don't care we deal with the kid in front of us. And so when you're thinking about, you know, what kind of accommodations might I start pulling back like I would recommend talking about it with a kid, you know, see, you know. And because I do this all the time in my practice, and I'll tell the kid, I will never push, but I will nudge, because I believe in you, and our job is to put our heads together. And I'll look for like we usually do, a scale of one to 10. Of because I don't know how bad something is for a kid. I cannot know that without asking the kids sometimes can't know either. So I'll say we're looking for something that's uncomfortable but definitely doable, and our job is to keep doing it until you're bored. So it's really about building confidence, rather than ripping away because they shouldn't. You know that that's not helpful well.

    KC Davis 40:24

    And one example is, you know, when you're doing, like, food things, like, if you have a really picky eater, or a kid that really has some stuff around food, I'll never forget, like, listening to a nutritionist that was talking about, like, Okay, your parents old school method of you have to eat everything. We're not doing that. Or you have to eat this before this. We're not doing that however. We're not just gonna go all the way over to eat anything you want, and it doesn't matter, and we're not gonna push you to try new things. But when she talked about the like, the steps you should be taking towards it, the first step was always the child tolerating it on their plate, right like, before we get to you have to take a bite. Even it's you don't have to eat it, but it does have to stay on the plate. Now, obviously, you're, we're listing depends on your kid. Oh, I have a sensory thing, a smell I can't do, right? But I just thought, like, that's a good example, not a rule, but an example of, like, how sometimes we might go to what we think is the first step of, sort of like pushing them past their comfort zone, but it's really like way back in the back there. This has all been so super helpful. Can you, like, just as we land the plane here, where can parents go if they're going, oh my gosh, this is so great. You know, what books have you written? What's your website? Tell us all the stuff where we can find you. So

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 41:37

    my website, for my main website, is Eileen kennedymore.com, e, i, l, e, e n, k, e N, N, E, D, y, M, O, O, R, e.com. So you can see my books there. I've written four books for parents. The most recent one is kid confidence. Help your child make friends, build resilience and develop real self esteem. I've also written four books for kids. Moody moody cars is for four to eight year olds. That's just such a joy. It goes freewheeling, full of feeling, traveling near and far. Honk if you see me. I'm a moody, moody car. So it has beautiful photos of antique cars, and I think they look like they have feelings. And I also have two books growing friendships and growing feelings for six to 12 year olds. And those ones, each one has little cartoon vignettes of common friendship problems, and then the narrator comes in and gives research based tips. And then wandering through the text are this cat and dog character that make goofy suggestions, like, he should sniff their butt, their butts. I'm like, No, he shouldn't. He should not sniff their butts. But it makes the kids laugh. It makes them feel smart because they know not to do that, but it's still getting the information in there. Yeah. And then my joy is the kids ask. Dr friend tastic podcast. You can find it on any podcast app that you like, or drfriendtastic.com Dr friendtastic.com you click on the podcast tab. And for accessibility, I have full easy to read pod transcripts there. There are always discussion questions also. So an interesting thing you can do is just play the episode up to the end of the kid question. Ask your kid, what advice would you give, and see what they say, and then play my advice. And then it always comes with a couple of a handful of discussion questions to deepen your kids understanding to and mostly it was about, have you ever had something like that happened? Or why do you think that it's so much fun? I'm

    KC Davis 43:31

    definitely going to check that out for my six year old. Can

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 43:34

    I tell you one of my favorite episodes there was this little girl named Vera, who is eight, and she asked, do we have to change ourselves to make friends? So my answer was, oh my gosh, my favorite questions and life, not just the podcast, are ones where the question seems simple on the surface, but the more you think about it, the more questions it raises. So what do you mean by change, and what do you mean by self? What do you mean by make friends? So I talked about how we are all different in different situations, different relationships. We also change over time. At the same time, we have a felt sense of authenticity, those moments where we think this is who I am or want to be, but sometimes we'll do something that's not exactly what we want, because it's what a friend wants, but that can be very authentic, because it taps into our deepest value of caring for the front and that's the foundation of friendship. So the answer to the question, do we have to change ourselves to make friends is no we have to show up as our most authentic, caring selves. So it's just, I like that and

    KC Davis 44:49

    like I think the difference making that distinction between authentic change, which is maybe I have a way of acting that I don't even maybe I don't like it either, but I can. How it's impacting people, and maybe I want to change that, and I want to be and like, that's an authentic change, versus a, you know, oh, I need to hide what I like, or, you know, what

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 45:09

    I think and what I feel, and I that's so cool. That's helpful. Is this really a balance so growing feelings, which is the second book for six to 12 year olds, that's about children's feelings about friends, because feelings don't usually come up in the abstract. You know, it's usually because they did that, whatever. So we talk about the feeling cycle, so or stories, feeling stories cycle, and it starts out with an event, and then as soon as that event happens, we start making inferences about what does this mean for me, for you, for our relationship, and those thoughts lead to feelings, and those feelings prompt actions, and those actions trigger reactions from other people, which could be setting the cycle of motion again. So what I find is a lot of the discussion about emotions nowadays is not taking the social piece into consideration, and that's really, really important. Kind of like that college girl who's like, You're bad, like, you know, she's just barfing out her feelings to be crude there, without any sense of what is the response you are hoping for and what kind of communication is most likely to get that that's not about being fake or manipulative. It's about being able to see beyond just, you know, this feeling that's happened in this moment. Can I expand my awareness both to what's going on with them and to what I really want? So I think that can be a really powerful perspective for kids, and each of those areas on the cycle are something that we can intervene with. I'll tell you one more thing. This is probably the best thing I ever invented, because it worked and it's, I call it a soft criticism. So the normal response to criticism for all of us is to defend, wow, it's not my fault. And you do it too, and they do it worse. That is just human nature. So the soft criticism is designed to get around that normal defensiveness. And I find this works with kids. It works with partners, it works with coworkers. So step one is you give an excuse. So you might say something like, I know you didn't mean to. I get that you were trying to do that. I understand that you were having a lot going on, or you were really tired, or whatever it was. The beauty of giving the excuse is, in order to come up with an excuse, you have to stop for a second. Imagine things from their point of view. Raises your empathy, lowers your anger. Great place to start. And just practically, if we give an excuse, they don't have to come up with one. And we can just skip that. And and you've put yourself on the same side with them, rather than against them. You're bad and I'm good, you know, like, that's not useful.

    KC Davis 47:51

    So see that working really well with kids? Well, really with anybody. But I'm going to use that with my kids too.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 47:56

    But step two is the part we want, which is to describe the problem. And here, the formula we would use is, when you bad behavior, bad outcome. So you might say something, like, I get that you were really frustrated last night when you're trying to do your homework and your brother was making a racket. The same time when you throw your shoe at him, you could really hurt him. So like, we can be very specific here. And then step three is the most important, which is about moving forward. A lot of times, parents think they have to solve it. It usually works better if you get the kid to help you solve it. So ask a good question about, what can we do instead, or what can we do to prevent this? Or, you know, what can you do to help him feel better? You know, if the kid's crying or whatever, and you get the kid back on track with being a good kid, and we solve the problem together, rather than, you know, thinking, Oh, I gotta figure this out. No, let's figure it out together and see what we can do. So

    KC Davis 48:58

    that is really helpful, and I really appreciate the time that you've taken, and especially since I missed our time this morning, this afternoon, and I hope that you have a really great day.

    Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore 49:08

    Thank you. This was very fun. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
114: Why Budgeting Doesn’t Work (and what to do instead) with Jill Sirianni

I have an honest confession to make. I am a terrible budgeter, but I’m a world-class financial goldfish. In this episode, I’ll explain my “financial goldfish” status and budgeting for our neurodiverse brains. I’m joined by Jill Sirianni, host of the Frugal Friends Podcast. If you’re like me, and budgeting just doesn’t work for you, you’ll learn a lot from our conversation. Join us!

Show Highlights:

  • Characteristics of a financial goldfish

  • Budgets–the diet of the financial landscape (and they don’t work any more than diets do for most people)

  • Top reasons we fall victim to impulse buying

  • The myth of “Wants vs. Needs”

  • The downfalls of typical antiquated budgeting

  • Creativity in meeting needs without spending

  • Jill’s 90-day transaction inventory

  • Helpful online tools

  • A moral problem vs. a systemic problem

  • KC’s helpful hack to be more thoughtful before spending impulsively (like late-night DoorDash)

  • Jill’s tips for creating a pause before spending: keep a list and buy second-hand

  • Understanding the marketing behind sales

  • Making choices about your behavior today that may not align with spending habits held up as the “standard”

  • Understanding values-based spending

  • In finances, one size does NOT fit all. 

Resources and Links:

Connect with Jill Sirianni and Frugal Friends: Frugal Friends Podcast and Buy What You Love Without Going Broke book by Jen Smith and Jill Sirianni (pre-order now!)

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • Unknown Speaker 0:00

    Music.

    KC Davis 0:05

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle care, the podcast where we talk about anything, everything, mental health, your well being, and try to talk about, you know, ways to take care of ourselves that actually work and work for our brains. I'm your host, Casey Davis, and I'm here with Jill Sirianni, who is the host of the podcast frugal friends, and we're going to talk about budgeting for our brains. Specifically because I am historically a very bad budgeter. I always used to, my husband's a big budgeter. I used to tell him, like, he's like, What do you mean you have a budget? And I was like, Well, I'm like, a financial goldfish. Like, I just have a general sense of, like, how much I have, and I just, like, try to only spend that, but then, like, if the tank gets bigger, well then like, my sense of what I can spend gets bigger. And anyways, the joke is, is that, like, I don't know if you know this, but a goldfish never stops growing, and it will grow to the tank you give it exactly, and I always become massive. I was like, I am a financial goldfish.

    Jill Sirianni 1:03

    I love that. I think most of us are like that. And really, there's nothing wrong with how you're describing your approach. Yeah,

    KC Davis 1:12

    I always tell him was like, I mean, I've never, like, put us in debt. And he's like, Yeah, but, but we could have so much more money if you just, like, stayed a small goldfish in a big pond. I'm like, Well, I'm sorry,

    Jill Sirianni 1:22

    it's not how goldfish

    KC Davis 1:24

    work. Yeah, that's not how goldfish work. But listen, I feel like this is one of those areas where, which is funny, because it's like cleaning where, like, there's so much advice out there that doesn't work for people who are neurodivergent. Do you have a take on that? Like, why that is?

    Jill Sirianni 1:41

    I think what you're describing here is the issue with managing personal finances, kind of across the board. I think most people would say budgets don't work for me. Budgets are kind of the diet of the financial landscape, and they feel so restrictive to so many of us, and so many of us have been taught it's been ingrained in us, whether overtly or covertly, that spending is bad, and if you're going to do a budget, then it's how can you spend as little as possible? And I think one of the things that we're trying to reframe, both in our podcast and in the book that we just wrote is being able to describe managing money as what works for you, being good stewards of the resources that you have, and not so restrictive with it, but recognizing that spending is a skill. We all spend money. We spend money every single day, and dispelling this myth of there are spenders and they're savers. No, we all spend money, and we can, just like any skill, learn to get better at spending that money, make sure that it is aligned with our values, with the way that we want to be spending and in a way that's going to be beneficial for our whole personhood. I've always

    KC Davis 2:59

    thought it was interesting how, like a lot of the big financial like advice givers, they make it seem like the issue. I mean, God, you nailed it on the head when you said that budgeting is the dieting of the financial world, because it is so similar. A lot of the big financial like advice out there acts as though it's a mainly, like, a character issue and a willpower issue, when really, like, it's a behavior and, like, we have a lot of science on like, what changes behaviors, but like, when I'm sitting like, yeah, if I'm sitting down, like, making a spreadsheet, yeah, sure, my morals and my like will to do differently in my values, like, come into play, but like, those are not the things like making the decision at 10 o'clock at night when I've had a bad day and I'm really hungry and I want to Door Dash food for the like, fifth time that week. You know what I mean? Like, it's those moments that I personally struggle with where it's like, okay, I have these long term goals, but I also have these, like, short term needs, but is it a need? And is it a want? And am I like, over moralizing what needs and wants are and and I just, you know, those are, like, the make or break moments. For me, it's not even like the big organizational things. It's like those moment to moment, like, I want a Starbucks drink. What do I do

    Jill Sirianni 4:19

    with that? Oh, Casey, everything that you're saying, there's so much congruence here. And I think just a lot of your messaging that I've been hearing from you, morally neutral care tasks is something that I hear from you a lot. And we like to describe debts, neutrality, spendings, neutrality that, yes, we are accustomed to, and we hear the voices of people assigning character issues to what we do with our money, and it's completely ignoring the fact that we've got History Society marketing tactics that are tapping into behavioral economics that are getting us to spend impulsively. They're tapping. Into what is known of the human psyche to be able to gain more money and make us feel as though we don't have what we need. And in order to belong, I have to spend money, and there is nothing wrong with us for then buying that thing or making that impulse decision. But that doesn't mean that we have to stay in that place. It doesn't mean we have to set up camp there and remain victim to some of these tactics that are happening unbeknownst to us, and then we're stuck wondering, why did I just buy that at 12am on Amazon? It

    KC Davis 5:38

    strikes me that we're like, bringing a water pistol to a gunfight when it comes to like, behavioral science, like people who want you to buy things are heavily invested, and like the science behind what makes you want things and make impulsive decisions, and, you know, makes you think you're going to be happier if you have this thing and all of that right? And like, on our side, there's not a lot of people giving us, like, helpful tips for the actual moment, besides, like, I guess, grip your, you know, white knuckle it like, just don't,

    Jill Sirianni 6:08

    right, just don't spend. Just stop spending, just budget. Just stick to your budget. Just don't impulse by and if that were realistic, then we will all would have figured it out by now, we like to talk about the top five reasons that we impulse buy. That's a question that a lot of our listeners are coming to us with, and when we're looking at spending as a skill and becoming better spenders, this is something that's really important to understand. It's not an exhaustive list, but it can be helpful to find ourselves. What am I most prone to here? So a lot of times it'll either be habit spending, whether it's time of day or location, it has just become a habit for us, and we are not even necessarily thinking about it or planning intentionally. It's just when I'm at the store, that's when I get a caffeinated beverage for myself. It could also be that we are shopping as an activity. It's just what we grew up doing on the weekend, and it's what we do for fun. It's how we were trained to enjoy ourselves in our leisure time. And so we just go out and shop as an activity, and we spend money we weren't necessarily planning on other times it could be stress, shopping or shopping because of any type of emotion that we're experiencing, whether we're happy or sad or celebratory. There's a lot of things that can play into what propels us to spend and it absolutely can be connected to our emotions. There's also social influence. So this is all of the social media, but it's also the people within our communities who they have XYZ it looks good in their kitchen, their lives look like they're functioning so well. And maybe if I bought that thing, my life would go smoothly too. And so I'm gonna get that or we follow people on Instagram who make things just look so beautiful. And we think if I buy that thing, I'll be cool, I'll belong, I'll have all the things just like they do. And the final one that we see really regularly is the thrill of the hunt. Just I like to dig. I want to find the deal. I like finding those red or yellow tags and getting that clearance, and I feel smart and powerful and engaged when I can get the thing, I can dig for it and find it so again, not an exhaustive list, but these are some of the top five ways that we end up impulse spending, and I think one of the first steps is identifying which one might I fall under until before we can then identify what could be next steps so I can be kinder to myself, kinder to my finances, and really make more beneficial Decisions, decisions I can feel really confident and proud of.

    KC Davis 8:53

    I feel like I can identify with a lot of those in the same target trip, right? Like, you know, you go to, like, there's a target right by my kids school. So, like, often I'll drop her off, and then you pass by this target, and you're like, you know what? Like, it would be fun to just stop and go in there, like, I don't really need anything, but I'm gonna go and then you go in and it's like, okay, there's like, a coffee shop in there. So you're like, Well, I'm gonna get myself a beverage as I walk around. And then maybe you see a few things you like, maybe you realize, like, oh, I need razors and some toilet paper, whatever. But, like, I also am, like, obsessed with the Joanna Gaines, like, set up and do it

    Jill Sirianni 9:32

    so well. They make it all look so beautiful. It's not how my house looks, but looks great there.

    KC Davis 9:38

    And I particularly always get sucked into, like, seasonal decor, which was fine the first day I the first year I lived in this house, because I didn't have very much decor. But what I find that I do is, like, I see it and it's so cute, and I get it, and then when I actually go to, like, get my decor out, I'm like, I already had this. That's embarrassing, or I had something that was so similar to this, like, it was silly of me to buy that, and it's all. Almost like there's this esthetic yearning. And I've even noticed this when I look at tick tock like, I'll see a tick tock of someone like, you know, making a stake over a campfire while they, like, look out their tent into, like, a rainy kind of like, and I'm like, wow, that feel like watching this feels peaceful, and I like that feeling of peace that I feel, and I want to go do that so that I can feel that peace again. But when I actually sit and think about like, what would I actually be feeling if I was sitting in a tent and it was muggy, it was raining, it's muggy, right? I'm cooking a steak, so the smoke is blowing in my face. I don't have, like, the seasonings that I would normally want for this steak. I'm gonna have to figure out, like, where, like, when I actually think about how I would be feeling if I was in that it's not peaceful. And I feel like I do the same thing with, like, shopping, right? You go in, you look around, and it's like, this setup is so esthetic. It's so beautiful. Like, look at this little coffee cup that's like a copper little coffee cup. And wouldn't I be so peaceful? And wouldn't I be so quaint? Wouldn't I be so cutesy, so demure, so mindful, if I was sipping coffee from my little copper coffee cup in the morning, right? And then I get it home, and it's like, worst case, it's like, oh, this bird, this scalds my fingers because it's copper. And then, like, best case, it's like, oh, now, like when it's sitting in between all of my mismatched mugs, like it's actually not bringing me. The thing that I felt when I was in the store,

    Jill Sirianni 11:34

    the one that gets me is the tiny carafe with the cup that can go over top of it. Have you seen these? Oh, I haven't bought one. Are you kidding? I'm like, it looks so adorable. Wouldn't that be so cutesy, so demure, so amazing

    KC Davis 11:49

    that people are gonna experience

    Jill Sirianni 11:54

    next to my bed. It's gonna be luxurious for me. And then I think in the middle of the night, I'm gonna be clanking glass around to drink your cup of water to dump it, right? Yeah, because it also requires that I had filled it up before I went to bed, like waking up my husband like it's just, it's not practical, but I love the idea of it, and I think you're really onto something here, and even you were describing the wants versus needs. And I think there's such a myth there, especially when it comes to this outdated approach to budgeting, it's well, separate your wants from your needs and only spend on what you need. And then it's like, well, how do I even define that? Because I need food, but what degree of food am I then allowed to spend on? Can the food be tasty? Can the food be organic? Can the food be cooked by somebody else, or does it have to be bland, cooked by me? I need to not like it, because it's all about deprivation. And I think one more like

    KC Davis 12:54

    the opposite, where in my head, anything I buy from the grocery store is fair game, because it's a grocery like I can buy, okay, I don't have to look at and, I mean, I'm blessed to not have to look at food prices when I go. I can just, you know, I can buy the brand that I want, but that doesn't, like, no Casey. You can't just, like, stop at the, like, summer decor aisle in heb and feel like that doesn't count because it's going towards the grocery budget. Like, doesn't work that way. One

    Jill Sirianni 13:26

    of the things that has been really helpful to guiding us in making some of these decisions, we love to talk about values based spending, aligning our spending behaviors with the things that we say are most important, but along those lines and kind of dispelling the myth of wants versus needs. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs has been super helpful. I'm sure you're familiar with it. It's that triangle of our various types of needs. And at the very bottom, you've got your physiological needs. That's your air, water, food, shelter. Then you've got your safety needs, of employment, health resources. Then comes love and belonging. Needs. This is where friendship, family, sense of connection comes in, followed by esteem, our own needs for confidence, respect, achievement, and then very tippy top is the self actualization, where we can find our meaning, our purpose, our creativity, our expression. And one of the downfalls of typical antiquated budgeting is it just wants to look at those bottom tier needs of what's the air, water, food, shelter, maybe resources and employment, and forgetting that we have all of these other needs that we can spend on. As long as eyes wide open, we feel like we're the ones who are making the decision, not being baited, manipulated into making those spending decisions, and so with some of these, and

    KC Davis 14:47

    you know, what's so wild about that is the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which I now know he like, kind of nicked from a an indigenous cultures like view of talking about those things. But. It was never intended to mean you need these things and more than these things, right? Like it was intended to describe that people cannot focus on this level of need unless the level of need below it is already secure. So it's not like a ranking of which needs are more important, necessarily, in terms of like, human fulfillment, it's that like, people can't focus on their need for creativity if they can't pay their rent. Do you know what I mean like? That's that like, which I feel like, is better explanation for what you're talking about, and

    Jill Sirianni 15:38

    it does help to describe, yeah, how we kind of move through those but in reality, once we do have some of those basic needs met, we will spend on trying to achieve some of the higher levels, maybe before some of those needs have been met in its entirety. It's not as if, oh, we only move on to level three once we've fully achieved level one. That's not entirely true, and we see that kind of across the board, like, oh, we go spend on our cars sometimes before we fully have all of our electricity bills paid. Well, yeah,

    KC Davis 16:13

    it's not supposed to be prescriptive, like, you can't move on or whatever. I think it's more of a systemic observation. Like, yeah, people are not gonna have the bandwidth to, like, look for, you know, all these other things, if like, there are some basic things that systemically are not being provided for them. So how do we tackle that?

    Jill Sirianni 16:33

    I think part of it is permission to recognize that we are whole people with varying degrees of need, and it is okay to spend money to meet those needs, and it's also okay to get creative on meeting those needs without spending money that some of what you were describing, both of us are describing. And what's this draw to esthetic? Why is what is it about this glass carafe water thing, or the seasonal decor that's making me want to spend on it, and it could be helpful to identify Is there a deeper need that I am trying to meet here? Is it a need for creativity? Is it a need for peace and stability? Is it a need for belonging? I'm not going to know that that answer for every person, but I think it is important to start to create those pauses and be curious with ourselves about the spending decisions that we're making. What is it about the seasonal decor that's drawing me in, and how am I going to feel about that purchase afterwards, is it going to create a sense of confidence that is going to solve for the need that I'm identifying, or is there a deeper need here where I could hit that need more accurately without buying this item, and I could meet that need in another way? And so that curiosity piece really is the first step we don't like to jump to, well, we don't really call it budgeting. We call it making a spending plan, but there's so much work that can be done and self understanding and kindness found before we even get to the action steps. I know a lot of times we want to jump there, but recognizing that our actions and our behaviors originate in our thoughts and our emotions and so beginning, there is the best place to start, and we recommend curiosity. Practicing curiosity with ourselves. This will be beneficial for every aspect of life, certainly finances. And one of the things that I like to describe with curiosity is avoiding the why question, not that there's anything wrong with why, but it really can put us on the defense when we're looking introspectively. It's the difference between, why do I always spend so much money on seasonal decor that I end up throwing away at the end of the season, to what is it about seasonal decor that I like so much? What does it give to me? Right? Such a big difference.

    KC Davis 19:02

    Wow, that's huge. Because why do I want this pumpkin? You know, it's like, first of all, I'm probably going to find a reason that means something about me that I probably don't, like, you know what I mean, like, Oh, I'm being impulsive, because I think it's going to be my life better, as opposed to, like, the kind of curiosity you're talking about, it's more likely to uncover something about myself I do, like, which is, like, I love that magic of holidays and my little kids thinking that everything is magical, and that feeling of like, comfort and warmth, like that is actually a good thing about me. And I think that, like you said, that's a better place to start, because then I can just ask myself with a lot of self compassion, like, okay, so is this stuffed pumpkin? Is that really going to get me closer to that, you know? And I, you know, to that point of, like, the first step being awareness. I think that, you know, that's something that's talked about a lot. Oh, first become aware of. First become aware. But I think the part that we don't say enough is that, like, it is totally appropriate to spend, like, an extended time in that space, like, literally before you change anything. Like, if you spent a week not making yourself change anything about your spending, but just asking yourself being become aware, like that moment of, like, you know, becoming aware of why you want the pumpkin doesn't matter if you buy the pumpkin anyways. Like, just, you don't have to pressure yourself to do that, but like to get the full picture without, like, the shame of shutting down or making the mistakes and things like that. Like, it is okay to spend some time just becoming aware. It's just not one journal entry process. This is a, yeah,

    Jill Sirianni 20:42

    it really could take weeks, and there's so much discovery that can happen out of that. When it comes specifically to our finances, one of because I know we do love tangible steps, one of the things that we encourage people to do is a 90 day transaction inventory, so again, not shifting any behaviors, just observing ourselves objectively, like that fifth grade scientific process we all learned. We're not bringing shame, we're not trying to shift anything. We're just curious what's going on here. And so that's gathering all of our credit card statements, bank statements, every transaction that we've made over the last three months, and making almost journal entries next to all of it. This is not going to necessarily be done in one sitting, depending on how many transactions there are, but it can be really helpful.

    KC Davis 21:29

    Are there any of those, like online tools that, like, do that automatically, that you found have been that are like, helpful or beneficial? Because I know that there are some out there that'll kind of like, try to give you a breakdown, give you everything

    Jill Sirianni 21:39

    we do like monarch money as an app for helping you to create a spending plan, but a lot of times, if you're not already using something like that, it can be just as easy to just download a CSV file of all of your transactions, especially if you've got a couple of different bank accounts, and so whether that's printed out or in a spreadsheet, creating another column where we are being curious about our emotions and learning who we are giving ourselves the opportunity to understand ourselves better. It's quite Invitational, and it can be quite kind to then look at okay, what happened here with this transaction, what had and how did I feel about it afterwards, what led me to spend on this thing? How did I feel about spending on it afterwards? And keep going down the list, we won't remember every single item, but it can help to bring our attention to when do I end up spending money that I wasn't intentionally I didn't want to spend intentionally? Are there certain times a day, is there a pattern that I'm seeing popping up here and from there, once we've done all of our curiosity and we're learning more about ourselves, and we're asking ourselves whether or not these things are aligned with the things that we would say are actually valuable, then it can inform some of the decisions that we might make from there, how we might curb some of the ways that we spend that we are now deeming this actually wasn't that beneficial to me. I thought that it was gonna get me time with my friends, but really, we were just at this loud restaurant. I could hardly hear anyone. I felt so overstimulated, and I went home stressed like but I just wanted time with my friends. So is there a different way that I could get time with my friends that might actually meet that relational need and potentially even help me financially as well? I feel

    KC Davis 23:34

    like that's such an important step, because I feel like some people who do that step are going to find, okay, there's a lot of areas where I maybe am spending money that I don't necessarily like, that I don't want to be anymore, or that I could spend in a different way. And then I think, though that, like, just as powerfully and important, there are people that will do this exercise and be like, Oh, I'm not the problem. The problem is, like, systemically, I'm having a hard time finding a job that will pay me a living wage, and the cost of housing has gone like, you might look down at it and go, Oh, shit. Like, this isn't my moral problem. Like sitting down and trying to decide, Okay, should I shop at the Aldi versus the heb because this one has three cents. Like, I feel like that is, it's like equal parts has the potential to cause despair, because you can feel like, you know, okay, I feel powerless. But there's also this part of it that is, like, very freeing when you realize that, like, society wants you to think it's your moral problem, when it is, in fact, a systemic problem, and like, the quicker we stop treating it like a moral problem, like a moral individual problem, and start realizing it's a systemic problem. Like, the faster we can figure out ways to live a meaningful life with those constraints, instead of kind of like spinning our wheels.

    Jill Sirianni 24:56

    Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Like, I think, recognizing that there's so much bigger happening, although we do have to respond to what's within our power and our control to be able to shift in this narrative. And some of that is that awareness piece and choosing differently, but also recognizing we get so many people coming to us saying, Okay, I've got everything what now? And we're saying it's not always about cutting. It's not about deprivation. Sometimes it might be sacrifice, certainly, but we are aiming at easier nos and better yeses when it comes to some of these things, and certainly for some of us, it could mean bigger life changes that need to happen. It's not just the grocery store that we end up shopping at. But how can I make sure that I'm being valued in the place where I work is where I'm living still aligned with my season of life? Or is there an opportunity for me to rethink my living situation here, which is why we say a 90 day transaction inventory and include all of your bills and everything on it, because everything is up for negotiation when it comes to redefining what's going to be beneficial for us in our personal finance management, the top three areas of Our spending for most people is food, transportation and housing. And so transportation and housing decisions we're not impulsively, typically making. We're not making those decisions every single day, food decisions we are and so making sure that then we can kind of align our lives with that recognition in mind. Okay, what can I do to help some of the fluctuating food costs that are happening, but also realize it's not just about how much butter costs that week, but what is my housing situation like? What is my transportation situation like, and what is the money coming in? And are there bigger decisions that I can make here? Is there a decision, a one time decision that I can make that'll make everything else easier or unnecessary in the future, talking about just functionality. And

    KC Davis 27:07

    sometimes those are revolutionary. Like this is, I mean, I know people who are, you know, talking about multifamily households, intergenerational households, buying land and having a couple of houses with different like, sometimes these. And I think that's kind of what I was trying to get at. Is like, get at, is like, if we could, some of us, it's like, if we give ourselves permission to stop spinning our wheels over, like, Man, I feel so guilty that I use DoorDash and instead go. Maybe the system's not working, and what I actually have control over is like, looking at some revolutionary moves that I need to make that will have an impact on some of these, like, bigger financial things. I like that. So let me ask you a couple of, like, little things that I think have helped me, and like some advice I've heard, and tell me your thoughts on them, and then see, and then I want to hear if you have any other ones, right? There's this one on Tiktok that was so helpful to me, that was talking about that, like, esthetic trap, right? Because I get sucked into the Joanna Gaines setup. And her thing was, like, if you find something that you really, really want, one of her tricks was like, to take it to a different aisle, like, take it to the bathroom aisle with the towels and the, you know, whatever, and stick it and look at it. And she's like, sometimes the magic falls away when you're not looking at the whole, you know, like fake living room they've put there, you know what I mean? And I was like, that's such a good tiny tip for those moments where you feel like, Oh, what do I do? And then, like, I recently deleted DoorDash off of my phone, which isn't to say that I don't use it anymore, but now, when I decide to do it, I have to reinstall the app. First make the order, and then I delete the app. And that moment of pause, of like, extra labor has forced me to, like, take a moment, take a beat, because I will still order DoorDash. Like, I think the other day, I was like, we had a really rushed day, and I was like, oh shoot, I gotta feed the kids. I have these things I also need to do. And I was like, I'm just gonna order some DoorDash. Or like, wow. You know, my mom came over to listen to me read my book, my new book, out loud. And halfway through, I was like, You know what? I want to order us some lunch. This is so wonderful, but it's helped me not DoorDash a lot of times where it would have just been kind of that impulse that, like, it's 10pm And I'm cranky and I'm hungry, and instead of getting up and instead of getting up and making myself cheese and crackers, I'm just gonna DoorDash Taco Bell. So it's like that extra step I felt like was really helpful. So I'm curious if you have any other like of those small like behavior hacks, almost that have seemed to help people.

    Jill Sirianni 29:35

    Absolutely. I love that first example you gave. We must be in a similar algorithm, although the Tiktok that I saw was the trashcan method, where you take the item that you see in the beautiful like Magnolia section of target to the trashcan aisle, and that might be closer to how it might look in your own home. Not that our houses are filled with trash cans, but sometimes the quality of these things don't hold ordinary items wouldn't. It's not next to all of the other items within the display, and it can really help to provide a pause and an interruption. And that's really what you're describing, is how to create pauses and opportunities to be more mindful and intentional about the actions that we're taking as a habit. How can we implement this a little bit more? What are some of the ways we can interrupt ourselves and ultimately, eventually, this will have to become more and more intrinsic, but there are certainly some external things that we can be doing. One of the things that I particularly helps me is keeping a list of the things that I want to buy. So whether I'm scrolling Instagram or I happen to be on Amazon, or I'm over at a friend's house, and something, I see something or something breaks in my own home, and I'm like, Okay, gotta replace that. Rather than one click buying it immediately, I keep a running list of the things that I would like to purchase in my notes app on my phone that does a couple of things. It helps me feel as though I'm responding to the need. I'm valuing the fact that I had this urge and desire to want to acquire this thing that's valuable. There's a reason for that. I'm not ignoring it. I'm not stifling it. I'm giving it an outlet and a place to go. And it's not going away. It's gonna live there. It's not gonna live in my cart, and I'm not gonna get reminders of it constantly, bye, bye, bye, that thing, but it's there, and I know that it's there. Then when I'm out, I can be looking for those items and am I still interested? There are plenty of times that a week later, the thing gets removed, because I either found another solution to solve for that problem, or it's not hitting me the same way as it was before. I just don't think that I needed or wanted anymore. One of the other things that's important to me is buying second hand. So reducing, you know, the amount of waste that is being created is part for me of being a good steward of resources. So it also kind of allows me to give myself time and be patient in finding some of the things that I say that I want. Can I fix the thing that's broken? Can I find another solution within my home? Can I find it used pre owned, and then I might come to the point where I'm buying new if needed and necessary, and so that little bit of creation of pause is helpful also, as you're describing, removing ourselves from some of the email lists or the text messages that are reminding us to buy one of the tangible kind of software pieces that we recommend is unroll me. Think it's unroll.me and so,

    KC Davis 32:36

    yes, I've used it. You can, like you basically swipe left and right to unenroll from various things. Which brings me to another point about sales. I love your idea about a list, because one of the things, one of the rules that I have for myself is now, if I need something first, and I put it on a list, and I can wait for that thing to go on sale, but if something is on sale. Like, basically, in general, I've stopped utilizing sales because I found that I spent more money when I was using sale. When I was like, Oh, it's a big sale. It's half off. I need to whatever, whatever. If there is a large item that, man, it would really make an impact if I had a 50% off coupon. Or if this went on sale 20% like you said, like, I'll make a list. Like, you know, my kids are growing really fast, and there's a particular clothing company called primary that I love to buy from, and they're a little bit more expensive than target, but I found that they last them longer, and they're made a little bit better. And so, like, they're kind of a better investment. But if I know that, like, every August, because I'm a weirdo, every August, I inventory, like, coats, jackets, sweaters, long sleeve things, then I want to, like, buy for that season, or whatever, then, like, I know that I'm going to do that and I can wait and watch for their end of summer sale, right? As opposed to getting that pushed to me with a bazillion emails about, like, Wait, 20% off. Okay, let me go find something I wouldn't have otherwise bought. I do sometimes do the 24 hour cart thing, but only on Amazon because they won't send me emails. But that actually does help me, because I'll put it in my cart, but I won't let myself buy it. Then I'll be like, it's there. It'll be there tomorrow. And by the time I go back to that cart, you're right half the time, I'm like, okay, these were two things that I actually have some version of this. I just momentarily convinced myself that these things would be better, and therefore my life would be easier, and therefore I would have less stress, when, in reality, I'm just gonna end up with three of something that's similar and still feel stressed about it.

    Jill Sirianni 34:39

    I think it can be so helpful when we are able to educate ourselves with an understanding of marketing tactics and how much marketing tactics are playing into our psychology, our cognitive biases, our cognitive distortions that are a part of us can serve us well, but in many ways. Marketers are leveraging this, and it doesn't mean that we won't ever take advantage of a sale, or we won't ever impulse buy, but I think understanding it, we can feel more equipped and we can make better spending decisions for ourselves. Sales are not for us. Sales are for a company to make money, and as you're describing, usually there's going to be some sort of upsell. Most of the time. Sales are not really real sales. They've overinflated the cost to cut them just a smidge, but then they're going to sell you more on the back end to try and get you to spend even more. Bundle this, pair this with that customers also buy this. And so a lot of times, with the deals, the urgency, the fear of missing out these items are played into when it comes to selling us items. That doesn't mean that, you know, we can't get a 50% off here and there, but I think asking ourselves, what is behind me making this spending decision? Is it just am I feeling stressed about this right now, or is this something I did intend to buy? This will be helpful. It will make other decisions and actions easier or unnecessary in the future. I feel good about spending this then fine. But if we've been able to pause and say they've just created urgency in me right now, and it'd be okay if I come back to this decision tomorrow, we'd be better off spending the extra $2 the next day than spending the extra, who knows how much by responding to the sense of urgency and impulsively making a decision that we may or may not feel good about the next day. I

    KC Davis 36:36

    was ordering something that I needed the other day, and I got to the cart checkout, and it was like, You're $3 away from free shipping. You could pay $10 for shipping, but if you added $3 to this car to be free, and that's fine. But my new rule is that I have to find, if I cannot find something for $3 then I'm just going to pay for the shipping, right? Like, yeah, if there's a little $3 thing that I want or I need, fine, throw it in there. But like, I'm not gonna go then purchase a $20 item, because now I'm still spending $12 more than I would have if I just, like, that's helped me thinking less about like you said, We're for that the hunt the deal. But look how many items I got. Because in reality, it's usually not like items that are make or break survival. For me, it's just that feeling of, I've got a good deal. I'm getting so many things, but if I'm spending more money than I otherwise would, that is affecting, you know, these spending behaviors, especially when it comes to like, so there's a few things, and I love the advice that I've heard about, like, making choices about your behavior, the behavior you have today, not the behavior you hope you'll wake up with tomorrow. And what I mean by that is that I heard someone say once, like, if you have tried over and over and over to tell yourself, like, No more eating out, no more DoorDash, we're just gonna buy groceries, and you continue to do it like, let's just be honest with ourselves that whatever, that feeling, that guilt, that whatever, like, it's not working, and what's happening is that you're going out and buying a week's worth of groceries for your house and still doordashing. And you're telling yourself, because of moralizing, what I need to do is cut out the DoorDash. What I need to do is cut out the DoorDash. But let's be honest, you aren't and this guy was like, at this point, just stop buying groceries, like, lean into the behavior that you're already doing, because you would be spending less money if you would just do what it's clear you want or need in that season of life than, like, trying to be someone else. And this is my Instacart, okay, like my husband has pointed out a couple of times, like, hey, like, Instacart marks the prices up on each item, and then you pay, like, even if we have, like, the membership, so we don't technically pay for delivery, but like, they mark up every item there, and then there's a service fee, then there's a tip, right? And he was like, look at this list of what you ordered, it would be 20% cheaper if you just bought these items at the grocery store. And I had to tell him, I'm aware of that, Michael, but what you need to understand is that the grocery bill would actually be 50% higher if I walked into that store and saw all of the things that I you know, like, Oh, I'll get this. Oh, that looks good. But like when I sit down at the computer, I literally put my list into Instacart. There are no end caps, there's no little coffee shop, there are no impulse buys, because I have to search each item and then select what I want. And so like we are, in fact, spending less money on groceries when we use Instacart every week, then we would be if I was going into the grocery store and living in that reality of like, that's who I am. And this is not a thing that I have the capacity to sit down and like, really fix at the moment. Nor maybe do I need to, like, it's okay. I don't have to be perfect, like, I can work with who I am, not like this. Perfected version of who I think I need to be,

    Jill Sirianni 40:07

    yeah, our idea, our fantasized self, versus the realistic version of ourselves, and learning to honor that person, the person that we are today, I think this ties so beautifully into one of our principles that that we talk about, which is honoring your season with your money, recognizing where am I at right now in life, whether that has to do with levels of stress, with work, children. How old are the kids? Single, married, living situation, whatever it is, recognizing that our finances needs to be congruent with that we can and it's one of the reasons that these one size fits all financial experts. It's not working for people because we haven't made it individualized enough to recognize the needs of individuals and how that's going to shift the way that they make money decisions. It paying off debt as quickly as possible is not the best decision for everybody. Owning a house is not the best decision for everybody. There are these things that are held up as the standard, but in reality, it needs to look different given your season of life. And I think this is a very helpful, very tangible daily way of recognizing the season that you're in. To say, I do want to eat some food at home, but I need to pay for convenience. And that's worth it for me right now, because also I'm seeing that it is decreasing the level of impulse purchases that I'm making as well. So somebody might look at this and say that's a waste of money, but for me, in this season, raising kids, this is going to be the most helpful decision that I can make. It's efficient. It helps make other jobs easier or unnecessary for me in the future, and this is something I'm willing to pay for as a result of that. And I think when we can really take find that permission, take the guilt and shame out of it, be very fully aware of where our money's going, why it's going there, then have at it. We can even create space in the spending plan for impulse purchases. If we know that we like to go out and we like to be able to get ourselves a little treat. Fine, make room for it. This does not have to be deprivation. It just needs to be eyes wide open so we can be certain we're making beneficial decisions for ourselves that are serving us, not just serving corporations.

    KC Davis 42:35

    I like when you talk about, like, values based spending, and I feel like one of the things that you are really emphasizing is that, like, I don't think that necessarily that sentence like values based spending is like, revolutionary. But what is revolutionary is that you're emphasizing that it actually be your values, because we have such internalized set of like, what the value should be like, we should have no debt, we should not impulse spend. Shopping shouldn't be to, you know, change your feelings. And it's like, I mean, if you're having a bad day and you want to go, like, obviously, I'm not saying like this, like, reckless overconsumption, but like, make sure it's your values. Like, like, you said, like, you can value convenience and that doesn't have that's not like, morally worse than valuing like, you know, homegrown, you know, made from scratch. Food, you know, it's not one of those is not inherently better than the other from like, a character perspective,

    Jill Sirianni 43:29

    right? And it just might be. Then you make decisions on what are your easy nos as a result. Don't say the hard nos. Don't deprive yourself of the thing that is a lifeline for you, but find the things that are easy to say no to for me, I don't have a value for luxury handbags or high end clothing or super expensive skincare products, so that's easy nose for me. But I do love travel. I do love a really nice dinner out with friends, so that's where I'm going to be spending my money to get at some of the things that are just super enjoyable for me and for all of the other things I can get creative on how I can meet my internal needs. Sometimes, even without spending money, it doesn't even always require the super nice dinner. Sometimes it's having a potluck with friends.

    KC Davis 44:23

    I'll tell you, like my closing story on this. But you know, my husband is a corporate attorney, and so he works a lot, and one of the things that, like, we had to kind of get clear on was, like, that we value money that saves us time. Because the reality is, like something that like you. If I say, like my husband and I will Door Dash like a Gatorade and a can of dip. And you might think, like, that's so wasteful, that's so over the top, that's so silly, like, why can't you just go to the whatever, whatever, right? But the truth is, oftentimes, like the difference between you. Like, my husband getting home and time to put the kids to bed, and missing bedtime is like, the 30 minutes it would take, or even the 20 minutes it would take for him to, like, pull off the highway Park, go inside a gas station, get what he needs. And even if someone was like, oh, okay, well, he could go out after that. Well, like, Yeah, but then, like, I want to hang out with him. You know the amount of times that we are, like, ordering dinner, and he's like, let me just go get it. I don't want to pay and I'm like, I want to buy back that 45 minutes with you. I just want to get it delivered. And, like, when we started thinking of things that way, like, you know, we're not someone that has a lot to show for how much money we spend in the year, at the end of the year, but that's because we realize that we value experiences and not even, like big vacations. Like we don't even really do that, but like, we value being able to see our family a lot in the year and go see them, and we also value just like, making our life easier and buying back as much time as possible to spend with each other.

    Jill Sirianni 45:58

    I think it's one of the reasons that to kind of go backwards with it, that some of these financial experts have become so big in their one size fits all, is because it can be easier to just say, Do this, don't do that. Do this, don't do that. But what you're describing, and what I'm describing, is this, getting to know yourself more and finding these foundational principles of efficiency and contentment and honoring our seasons, that takes a little bit more of introspection and kindness towards ourselves to say. How do I understand what this looks like for me, and how does that then inform the decisions that I make with my money, it's a lot more fluid. It's not as cut and dry, but it can lead to so much more freedom and permission in the ways that we choose to spend our money that is going to be completely different from somebody else and still both doing it right or okay when in beneficial ways. So it's a beautiful thing when you can start to grasp but it's not necessarily something that can happen overnight, to be making these intentional decisions feel good about it, even if somebody else might say that's not the best way to be spending your money like well, maybe not for you, but for me. These are the decisions that I've made, eyes wide open with the money that's coming in, this is how I want to steward all of the resources that are given to me, including time. It's the really, the only finite resource that we have. So if I can use some of my money, as you said, to buy back some of that time, fantastic. Well,

    KC Davis 47:40

    Jill, thank you so much for this conversation. And can you sort of tell the audience what, where they can go to get more of you, more of your excellent advice. Tell us about the book. Tell us about the podcast. Tell us everything.

    Jill Sirianni 47:50

    Yeah. Well, thanks so much, Casey, it's been so fun and an honor to be with you and your listeners. We just wrote a book called buy what you love without going broke, and it can be purchased at buy what you love book.com it's on pre order right now, but it will be shipped out to everyone who purchases in January. And then we put out a podcast two days a week, Tuesdays and Fridays, frugal friends. Podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts.

    KC Davis 48:17

    I love that. Thank you. Jill Have a great day. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
113: Balancing Self-Care and Community Care with Nat Vikitsreth

This episode is about liberation, revolution, and social justice. We are tackling these topics from a practical perspective with my guest, Nat. Join us!

Nat Vikitsreth is a licensed clinical social worker who works with families who want to practice social justice in their daily lives but are torn between acting in their communities and at home. She helps them bridge the gap despite being tired, overwhelmed, and stretched too thin. Holding space for their beautiful intentions and walking with them on this journey are Nat’s passions.

 

Show Highlights:

  • Nat’s background as a transgender woman from Thailand who has become a clinician and a social justice organizer

  • Trying to honor our values about liberation at home and in the community

  • Being your own ally first with agility and awareness of your available bandwidth

  • Learning to hold space for accountability

  • The root causes of our suffering: white supremacy, colonialism, capitalism, and patriarchy

  • Leading with compassion in action instead of punishment

  • What it means to be truly humble

  • Nat’s advice for parents

  • Finding the sweet spot between discomfort and boundaries

  • Being realistic in your family about what causes you can support and take action on with your limited capacity

  • Nat’s words of advice about actions beyond the “sexy actions” to take

Resources and Links:

Connect with Nat Vikitsreth: Website and Come Back to Care Podcast

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello, you. Sentient ball of stardust. This is struggle care, and I'm your host, KC Davis, and we're going to be jumping into a topic today about liberation and revolution and social justice. But you know what? We're gonna get really, really practical with it, because as I say those words, some of you maybe feel inspired and energized, and maybe some of you feel exhausted and overwhelmed. And so I'm here right now with Nat wicked said, and I practiced that last name a few times. Did I do? Okay,

    Nat Vikitsreth 0:41

    it was beautiful. Casey. Okay, thank you. Thank you.

    KC Davis 0:45

    I'm so glad to have you here. Can you just share with the audience you know who you are and what you do and why you're so passionate about the topic today, absolutely,

    Nat Vikitsreth 0:55

    I get to work with families who really want to practice social justice in their day to day life, and they're torn between doing it in their communities and doing it at home with their families. And I get to help them bridge that gap. And a lot of the families that I get to work with, which is such a huge honor. They are tired, they are overwhelmed and stretched so thin. Yet tension is there, yet they have this wound from their childhood that keeps getting in the way when they want to practice those beautiful social justice intentions, so I get to hold all of those pieces together and walk with them on this journey awesome.

    KC Davis 1:49

    And can you share with us a little bit about your identity and your heritage and how some of these issues of liberation are really close to your lived experience and your passions?

    Nat Vikitsreth 1:59

    I was born and raised in Thailand, in a Thai, Chinese family, and as a transgender woman who's also a social justice organizer and a clinician, I get to combine all of the things that I love into my work with families. I started out as a sex worker and doing social justice organizing amongst our trans sex worker community in Thailand. And then I moved into working with little children with autism, and I just fell in love with working with little children and families.

    KC Davis 2:39

    That's amazing. The you know, the two things that I really wanted us to get in today, and they kind of mirror each other, is that I feel like a lot of people struggle with this idea of self care versus community care, so it feels as though they're having to choose between. How do I take care of myself so I don't feel overwhelmed, so I don't feel in despair. But how do I also stay plugged in to maybe the world stage and what's happening to other people that are being oppressed and being marginalized and and it feels like they have to pick between one or the other. And then, very similar to that is, you know, something you spoke to, which is people who are parents, who are going, Okay, I, you know, I would love to be involved in some of these issues, but I don't have the time, you know, to go out and be in a protest, or maybe I don't have the time to organize or be involved. I feel like everything is kind of right here at home. And, yeah, I guess I want to teach my kids about these things, but is that enough? Like, can I really not do anything outside the home, but I do want to do want to do some things outside the home, and it kind of feels like there's not enough time and energy to do both. So I'm hoping that people at home, whether they're parents or whether they're childless, or whatever their family situation, is this idea of trying to honor our values towards liberation in our homes and in our communities and in the broader kind of like, world stage, like, I just want to acknowledge, like, it's super difficult.

    Nat Vikitsreth 4:05

    It is, especially when we play by the script written by white supremacy, capitalism, colonialism and patriarchy that's centering us, our individual will and our individual action, where, if I don't take action, I am failing as a human right. The same thing applies here, that if we center our will and our action instead of our collective action and liberation, then we just fall into that trap that the oppressor want us to fall, which is, oh, it's, it's too big for me, then I'm not going to do anything. So what I often say to people who want to take action but are so tired is that we must be our own ally first before being our. Eyes to other people, and that means, instead of focusing on what's the right strategy that I need to do, what if we focus on agility, where let me check in with my bandwidth? Do I have enough to step in and take action? And we'll get into details about what the options can be based on disability justice movements and things like that. Or do I have just enough bandwidth to step back a little bit Fill my cup, and once it's filled, I can step back into action? That's the agility. How much bandwidth do I have, and what can I do?

    KC Davis 5:44

    And I appreciate that what you're describing is an embodiment of a fluid movement, because I feel like where a lot of us get stuck sometimes is that, you know, you'll hear someone say, I don't know what's going on in Palestine because it's all too overwhelming, and I have anxiety, and then you'll have this kind of flood of people that will really say, like, how dare you. How privileged of you. I'm sure people in Palestine would love to turn the TV off and not think it. And it's not that there's not some truth, because there are people who say that from a perspective of, you know, I don't want to be involved or, or, oh, I want to center my comfort and let like there's some validity to we don't just get to unplug because it's uncomfortable. But at the same time, I feel like sometimes that white supremacy motive of like, if you are not acting, you're a bad person, morally, gets used and weaponized even within social justice communities, where we're policing each other and but then you have the people that aren't doing anything, weaponizing even that, and being like, well, you're not allowed to police me. And it's like, well, and it's so it's like this whole mess of, is it accountability, or is it policing? Is it self care, or is it sticking your head in the sand? And, and, you know, I know, even personally, like I've had friends call me and say, I really don't want to be the person that just puts their head in the sand, but I am really struggling. I feel like, if I'm, you know, if I'm on tick tock, and a video comes up talking about the genocide in Congo, I feel like, if I scroll past it, I'm being a bad person, because I should look, and I should pay attention. And then you'll have people that say, you know, and so there's this interesting tension there to me, where it is, you know, at some point, yeah, if I'm just saying, Oh, I have the privilege to not have to look at anything distressing that doesn't feel right, but at the same time, forcing myself to never be able to opt out of something distressing is now overwhelming my system to the point I can't take any action.

    Nat Vikitsreth 7:51

    Yes, Casey, thank you so much for naming Congo Palestine and the lives of children that are being lost and children that are being starved, right? And this tension is so needed. If any of us is feeling that tension, it indicates to me, humbly that we're in the ring. We're taking action, we're getting into the mess. So why not give ourselves a little bit of grace and and this conversation just came up in my community too, when I work with black indigenous youth organizer of color, that we just want to take action. We just want to take action. We want to jump in because the global injustice is so strong, we must hold ourselves accountable, and we need to take pause on that idea of accountability as punishment and disguise. It's really difficult to hold someone accountable, and the alternative is to hold space for accountability. Let me

    KC Davis 9:09

    sit with that for a minute, because, you know, I've had a lot of interesting experiences with kind of that word accountability in a community sense, where, you know, where I've almost had these thoughts of like, you know, accountability is not something you can force onto someone else. It's only something we can take for ourselves, and then at the end of the day, sometimes, you know, I'll take accountability, but the other person doesn't think that I have or I didn't do it in a way that they wanted to see it, or it wasn't good enough, or there's some, you know, accusations about my motives behind it, and it's hard to be in that space where, okay, I don't want to be too defensive, and I want to look at myself and I, you know, then you almost get in this rabbit hole of, I don't know if I know that I have blind spots, but am I always. An unreliable narrator to my own reality, yes,

    Nat Vikitsreth 10:02

    right, like you can't see what you can't see, and that narrative of okay to be accountable, I need to take action, otherwise I'm going to be punished. And then to your that accountability can only look like a, b and c, otherwise it's not accountable enough or accountable in the wrong way. So we end up policing one another into conformity, where in my trans community, when we organize, we often aim for how do we be different together, different in our interventions, different in our strategies, and even different in our values. So when we hold space for someone to be accountable to say it differently, it means I love you so much. What support do you need to take action?

    KC Davis 11:01

    Gosh, and think about how different that is, to hold space for someone else, to be accountable, to come to them and say, you know, I love you so much. What do you need right now in order to, you know, take a look at what's going on with you and start to take steps towards, you know, what feels more aligned with your values?

    Nat Vikitsreth 11:23

    Yes, yes. I'm

    KC Davis 11:25

    kind of curious as we're talking and I'm gonna Google it real quick. I feel like accountability is one of those words, and I'm kind of curious what that like. Can I get a definition? Of course, it's gonna tell me how to make an email account. Okay, accountability, responsibility, okay, let's see. Let's see. Let's

    Nat Vikitsreth 11:46

    see. I

    KC Davis 11:48

    want someone to give me to make an account,

    Nat Vikitsreth 11:52

    to make an account, to make,

    KC Davis 11:57

    to make an account of one's behavior. Let me see if that says something. I

    Nat Vikitsreth 12:08

    can always cut this off.

    But I thought that we're exploring and learning. Yeah, we're in real time. We need this

    KC Davis 12:20

    because something tells me that to make an account doesn't mean just saying you were wrong or just saying, you know you agree with someone or I don't know. It's interesting

    Nat Vikitsreth 12:37

    to me, yeah, and I'm approaching this idea of accountability Casey through the lens of transformative justice, meaning that we look at the root causes of our suffering, and it's again, White supremacy, colonialism, capitalism and patriarchy, and because we're swimming in this water together, it's really hard for me to fault you for hurting me without understanding the root causes. So when hurt and harm happens, the community comes together and ask, yeah, we're surviving under the same systemic oppression. How do we move through it together without involving the police, without saving one another? Like, what do we need to move together forward?

    KC Davis 13:36

    Hmm, okay, here's some interesting things. So to call someone to account means to hold them accountable, to blame them or to reprimand them. It could also, which is an interesting right, but it says it could also mean to ask for an explanation of something. For example, the people responsible for the accident must be brought to account. It says synonyms of call someone to account, include blame, cast a stone, hold responsible. It's interesting how deeply entwined those things are with this idea of blame and how that's not, that's not like quite it. But I love this idea of like to call someone to explain, or to examine or to you know, and what's interesting, I think, is this idea of like to call someone to account as the idea of asking for an explanation, it's almost like I'm not coming in with this, like I know that you're wrong, but it's like this looks strange. This looks concerning. Let's come to the table and talk about it, because maybe I don't know all the information, or maybe you're needing some help, or maybe there's something that you need from us, and I think that's an interesting way to look at it. I.

    Nat Vikitsreth 15:01

    And that's compassion in action. Instead of leading with punishment, let's explore what your needs are. How can we show up for you? How do we move together through this? And to me, that's accountability, and I'm so struck by the definition of blame and cast a stone which is so deeply embedded in our cultural narrative, the punishment piece right where the military force in Israel also has that texture of punishment, and they're training the police force in the US again, same texture of punishment, and it trickles down into our home when we try to, quote, unquote, hold our children accountable for their behaviors. And is it truly accountability, or is it punishment that

    KC Davis 15:57

    is like the words you hear as you will hear Israel say, we will hold these terrorists to account. We will hold them accountable. And then, you know, we have mass bombing of civilians. And so it does make you think, gosh, do we even have the right words to describe what we want to be talking about now? And I think you know, we're our own first bully when it comes to these things,

    Nat Vikitsreth 16:18

    yes, and it serves the system of oppression so well when we keep blaming ourselves and shutting down and not taking action because of shame, and that keeps us stuck in cynicism and despair, instead of mobilizing Together with our neighbors, with us with each other. And I always say this Casey, because I work with parents who are so stretched so thinly across every direction, especially now back to school season, that across races, places and classes. We all want our kids to have better lives than we had, but we're surviving, trying to get through the day in one piece, paying the bills, putting food on the table together without a lot of support right, like structural child care, paid parental leave and so on. So sometimes we're left with our tiny bandwidth to only teaching our little ones how to survive, and if we pause long enough, we can hear our wisdom that says, But teaching my kids how to survive the system is not the same as giving them a different childhood, like we all know this, right? So I think lots of grace to ourselves trying to do what we can. Yeah, it

    KC Davis 18:00

    reminds me, too, of, I think one of the biggest things that I learned when I got sober was, you know, I had really poor self esteem, and I wanted high self esteem, right? And I focused so much on that, and I realized, and I think it's actually, it might actually be like a CS Lewis quote, where he talks about, you know that, like, Oh, God, I'm going to butcher it, but something about the fact that, like, it's not about thinking higher of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less. It's not trying to fix how you think about yourself. It's trying to adjust the amount you think about yourself.

    Nat Vikitsreth 18:42

    Oh, and how did that unfold for you in action?

    KC Davis 18:46

    I think because, you know, when I thought that I was so awful and worthless, I was thinking about that all the time. I was interpreting all of the events around me as being about that. And then I got sober, and I started being like a productive member of society. But what I noticed was, even though I'm not doing these quote, unquote bad things, like, I'm not stealing, I'm not, you know, cheating, I'm not lying, I'm not being self destructive, I'm doing good pro social things, but I'm still thinking about myself just as much. And does this Okay? That makes me a good person, okay? That makes me Okay, okay. That makes me lovable. And I think the real freedom came when I just stopped thinking about what things meant about me in general. And I feel like that's like one of those first steps you're talking about, which is, is possible to think about what's the right thing to do without first thinking, like, how am I going to feel about the right thing to do? What is the thing to do? What does it mean if I don't do the right thing? What does it mean if I don't like, you don't have to have like, like a self reflection filter about your worthiness. You know what I mean,

    Nat Vikitsreth 19:56

    absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just so curious if I can ask a follow up question that thinking of yourself less, did that transform at all along your journey as you're practicing liberation or anti racism, at becoming an ally and accomplice? You

    KC Davis 20:19

    know, I think that, I mean, I come from a pretty liberal family that's always been involved in social justice causes, but what I found is that that happened as I deconstructed from evangelicalism. And I didn't deconstruct from faith completely, but I deconstructed from that sort of Puritanism, and that was the big part. And I remember the CS Lewis quote. It was about humility. It said humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less

    Nat Vikitsreth 20:51

    that is powerful,

    KC Davis 20:53

    which I think is powerful, especially in regards to social justice, like if we you know, we talk a lot about how important it is to be humble, and, you know, thinking about how awful you are for not taking action is also not being humble. That's like thinking about yourself a lot and kind of making it about yourself. Yeah,

    Nat Vikitsreth 21:16

    because another thread that we talk about a lot in our movement work is, who do we center, and who do we decenter? And the tension that we talked about in the beginning is there where it's such a human thing that we are hardwired for belonging. So of course, we're going to examine, Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing enough? Am I hurting someone? And on the other side of the same coin for us to move towards liberation together, it's not about me, it's not about you, it's about us. So is this action moving us closer to our values? What we the question that the parents in our come back to care community ask is, what's adaptive right now?

    KC Davis 22:14

    And where do parents start with that? Where do they start with, okay, I don't have enough to do. You know? I don't feel like I have enough to do 100% at home or 100% in the community. And so, you know, what do I do from here?

    Nat Vikitsreth 22:30

    Yeah, and it starts with how much bandwidth do I have, realistically, brutally, honestly speaking,

    KC Davis 22:39

    right? And do you encourage people to think of bandwidth, like, as because this is something that I feel like a lot of people struggle with, is that if you ask me, like, Can you do it? This is something I get onto my husband a lot, because he'll be like, Well, he'll be doing something at like, 11 o'clock at night. We were like, in the middle of, you know, doing something together, and he'd be like, well, they asked me if I could do it. And like, technically, I can, and I'm like, but can is more than just, are you physically able to do it? It's also about like, you know, there are other things in your life that you're allowed to prioritize. And like, am I looking for? You know, my bandwidth on a scale of one to burnt out, like, am I responsible for doing everything right to south of the, you know, one point before burnout, that's a hard question. What? Even, just like that first question about bandwidth,

    Nat Vikitsreth 23:34

    that is, that is, oh my gosh, I love this so much. Because how do we know? Especially growing up surviving capitalism, we, all, most of us, are trained to override our discomfort and produce and produce and perform and perform.

    KC Davis 23:54

    And I have this theory that that is why that is not only responsible for us overworking, but I think in places where we selfishly prioritize our own comfort or selfishly take more than we need, I think that comes from that same system, because if you know this system is going to push you until you break, and it's not going to give you your fair Share, the only way for you to not break is to just take what you can. Oh, you know, like it's, I think of it this way, like, if you never believed that, let's say that, like you have parents that every day when you woke up if you were sick, they never believed you and made you go to school anyways. Well, then you would eventually learn that, like, the only way for me to take care of myself is to be overly dramatic when I'm sick, or to, you know, to have to lie and manipulate and take more than what I need. And then I'll say, Well, okay, then if you won't let me rest, then I'll lie and say I'm gonna go work on homework, and instead, I'll go do this. You know what I mean? It's like. That sort of like, I have to be super comfortable all the time. I wonder if there's like, that flip side of the coin

    Nat Vikitsreth 25:07

    again, Casey. It's how the societal thing trickles down into our home, and then it gets reinforced. And when those who raised us weren't holding space and reflecting back, oh, you're sick. What do you need? Your body might need rest, and rest is equally important than productivity. Then how do we know? When are we overriding our limits? Right? And I had to relearn what that feels like in my body, and it's so dependent on you and your background and intersecting identity. But for me, I had to find that sweet spot Casey between discomfort and boundaries. Because yes, if I'm going to take action for justice and liberation, it's going to be past my discomfort, because risk is involved. But how far can I push that? It's not going to go beyond my physical, spiritual boundaries, and for me, if it goes past my boundary that I set, it becomes people pleasing, right? That I'm gonna do this because I want to be perceived as a good ally, as a good human, as a person who knows what she's talking about. I know that my throat will close up, palm sweating, yeah, was

    KC Davis 26:42

    talking about deconstructing from evangelicalism a minute ago. I think another big part of that is like having to deconstruct this idea that punishment is purifying, that like that, like pain is atoning. Because a lot of times, you know, I was talking to a friend recently, and they were talking about that same thing, about, like, scrolling on the end. It's like, okay,

    Nat Vikitsreth 27:06

    it's like, it's

    KC Davis 27:07

    a video of, you know, some really pick your tragedy, whether it's, you know, a black woman being murdered by the police, or, you know, people starving and Congo. And it's like, every I'm making myself watch it, and I'm not gaining any new information. From the video. I'm not being inspired to more action by like there's no there's no new information there for me to gain, to inform my actions in this it's simply that I feel as though being assaulted by the distress and the trauma of it is like making me a good ally, or that it would be selfish to not have to look at it because, you know, oh, now I feel so guilty about how privileged I am, and it's that interesting. Like, what do you think just putting yourself through the pain of witnessing that over and over and over is doing because if it's not giving you more information,

    Nat Vikitsreth 28:09

    right, and it drains you even further from the little bandwidth you have left to go take Action and this idea of self punishment that runs deep. That runs so deep, Casey, and then we mistake that for that's me being an ally for the day, consuming that information, hurting myself, right? And when I see parents that I work with who do this, and they love their kids so much, and as they're scrolling, and then their kids come in, bidding for connection, they snap, yell, the cycle continues. So I think a lot of us know this pattern so well. So what are the alternatives that we can spend our energy on?

    Yeah, I will say one thing that has

    KC Davis 29:08

    really helped me is finding sources of information that I can proactively seek out as a and letting my and not like feeling like I have to consume every piece of information that's pushed to me, pushed to you, yeah? So if that's yeah, so that's like a reputable news site, or maybe one account that I can go and look up and see because they're giving updates on a situation. Or if it's like an organization that has sort of taken on something as their you know what they're talking about in action items like somewhere else that I can go, you know, whether it's once a week or once a day, and go, Okay, hey, what's going on with that situation XYZ and where I'm proactively like, made like, being knowledge. Or like being aware, like I'm proactively being aware, instead of just like reactively dealing with information being pushed to me about whatever that topic is.

    Nat Vikitsreth 30:10

    It takes so much self awareness. I'm not shaming social media. I'm human, and I'm on Instagram search page looking for cute animal videos, mainly squirrels and red pandas. And I love it, yeah for my body and my nervous system, the first five minutes, so blissful. I love it so much watching these fluffy animals. But beyond that, I start to notice my body just my brain turning into mush. I'm feeling kind of numbed out, and that tells me, Okay, I gotta put the phone down. So hard to do, but it's time. So it takes a lot of self awareness to know what your limits are and how much information do you need to go take action.

    KC Davis 31:01

    And if we're to talk about taking action, I feel like the actions that get PRI like, there is definitely a hierarchy of actions to take in, like, various liberation movies, right? And I feel like the top of that hierarchy is like, very like, patriarchy, coded, right? It's like people who can go out and be in protests in black block with their signs, and people who can make several videos a day, you know, updating a situation. And I'm just thinking about, like, all of these women who are, like, nursing babies and making dinner and, you know, like, I can't, like, there was a protest in my area the other day. And, you know, I don't know if you guys are super plugged into protest, but like, you don't often have a lot of time to be aware. Like, they'll tell you, like, tomorrow, six o'clock City Hall. And like, I would love to be a part of that, but like, I almost never can get childcare that quickly, right? You know. And sometimes you know, if you know, hey, it's a school board meeting in six weeks and an important issue is coming up. And like, okay, you can arrange for that. But you know, going to a school board issue isn't at the top of the hierarchy. No,

    Nat Vikitsreth 32:17

    it's not sexy, right? We often aim for sexy actions that are going to get the most coverage, the most visibility, the most Look at me.

    KC Davis 32:31

    I'm doing the and how do you help? We know when you talked about capacity, and I was thinking of capacity in terms of how much can I be involved in. You know, the causes that matter, but how do you talk to families about capacity, just of how many causes they can realistically keep tabs on and be active in at any given time? I mean, I remember, you know, I had a, this is like a little vulnerable to say, but I have, I for maybe eight months now, I've been running a campaign for Palestinian relief, and then, you know, I have a young child that's autistic that has eloped a couple of times, and one of the last times that it happened, the sheriff's department came over to visit with us and said, Hey, there's this program called Project Lifesaver, where We can issue a tracking bracelet to your daughter, and if she were to ever get away from you, like, we could find her within minutes down to the foot of where she is. And, you know, it's a free program, but there's a waiting list, and when they came to give it to her, you know, I asked, like, how many people are on the waiting list now? And he was like, Yeah, it's like, 50 families. You know, we're not, we're run by donations. We don't have any grants. We don't have any funding, like, so and so, like, I really wanted to, I talked to my husband about and I was like, I feel like we could get people together and clear this waiting list. And so I made a fundraiser for it, and I made a video for it, and when I went to, like, put it on the top of my link tree. You know, it was like, okay, that the Palestinian fundraiser raised a ton of money. And I had this moment of like, Am I allowed to do this? Do I have to keep them both on there is someone going to be angry with me, because I understand the genocide is still happening. But now I've switched to talking about this other issue, which is like a local issue, and it there was some conflict there. And so, like, how do you help families? Think about, you know, how many like am I like? Should I be keeping up with everything? And at what point is it me being selfish by only looking at, you know, the ones that affect me or the ones in my local community? Because surely, we need people to do both. But how am I supposed to think about

    Nat Vikitsreth 34:41

    that? Yes, oh, Casey, I'm letting that sink in. Right. When you talk about mobilizing people in your community for that program, there's that creativity and generativity and vitality in organizing. Your local community. Yes, it stems from a real need, but there's that generativity in there, right? That we often don't talk about. We talk about the suffering of, oh, I need to organize and mobilize to address this real issue. It's real. And when we gather people and we address the issues together, it's beautiful, right? And that's hope that I hope it can refuel us to do this work. And to your point about, how do I choose? There are 5000 issues, and the tension is, yeah, we can't be everything for everyone all the time with our limited capacity, but we keep our clear eyes and heart on the political analysis. We know that the issues in Palestine and the issue in our backyard are connected, the issues in black communities and the issues in trans community are connected the environmental issues and the indigenous issues are connected. So Grace and trust in our community that when we address one the ripple effects throughout the whole ecosystem,

    KC Davis 36:22

    you Wow, wow. That's really moving. I really feel I got kind of emotional in hearing that. And it's not like it's not, you know, it shouldn't be mind blowing. And I've heard people talk about, you know that before, but the way that you stated, it was very empowering. Maybe that's it. Maybe I usually hear it in terms of, you have to care about this, because this is related to this. And you know, if you don't care about this, then you you know, you don't understand. And as opposed to this idea of, where is your you know, what is your bandwidth and what is your capacity? And sort of that belief and knowledge of you know there are several different systems, like there's one system that is broken in several parts, right?

    Nat Vikitsreth 37:10

    That's right. And pick one, pick your entry point. The best teachers for me doing this organizing work Casey, are poor, working class, disabled women, mothers, femme identified bodies who have limited capacity, because they have to survive so many systems all at once. Yet they get together, yet they mobilize, yet they do political analysis, yet they take direct action within their capacities, because that's what they can do. And for me, when I work with parents, I ask, what's your gift? What can you bring to the table? And just do that. Let's not just aim for the sexy action or a one time donation, but can we aim for the boring, mundane stuff marim Kaba talks about, you know, she does boring things with protest and organizing, where they would go early to set up the space and leave last to sweep all the trash if you can't go to the protest. Can you do that? If you can't go to the protest, can you set up a spreadsheet that organize ride shares or pick up and drop off for people who want to be on site and protest. Or can you like, Hey, bring your kids if you want to go marching, I'll do childcare. Or I'll bring cookies to the meeting. And we all have our sites of change, school board meeting, Trader Joe's grocery person at checkout, our neighbor, our relative at the bus stop. The possibilities are, I think, endless.

    KC Davis 39:14

    So when we think about these various spheres of you know, influence, it also kind of strikes me that one of the questions is, like, where, if I'm looking at my bandwidth and it's, you know, this big or this big, like, in what ways is my participation most impactful, you know, like, where are my spheres of influence? And you know, you're going back to you talking about, like, okay, there's the sexy things to do, or there's the the main cause happening that you can kind of do and, and I think, you know this idea that what's hard, I think, is going, Okay, this is an important thing. I don't have a large sphere of influence. That overlaps with this thing. I don't have a heavy sphere of influence that will affect this thing. You know, I don't, maybe have a ton of finances that could move the needle or could contribute. But what I what I do have, can I do it? So maybe it is, even if this is the largest cause on everyone's mind, okay, I have a few bucks to give to this, and I can call, I can email a representative and share a Facebook post and like, maybe that's all my sphere of influence can really afford to do with this. But if once I've done it, like, can I then allow myself to go, okay, that's what I could do. And now, you know where the are, there other areas or things that I can do that are going to be you know that I can use my more of my other capacity for or that I could you know what I mean? It's kind of like I've done what I can do. There's no point of me continuing to have anxiety about it. There's no Pass Fail. There's no pass fail. I remember I had another friend call and was talking about, you know, I almost feel guilty having fun with my family when I know that, you know, and then fill in the blank that there's a genocide in Palestine, that there's a a genocide in Congo, that there is famine, that there is, you know, people being, you know, shot in their own homes, like I almost feel guilty going on vacation, or, you know, having a party, or, you know, sitting down and reading and wanting to call a friend of like, and something that I said to her, I didn't realize I really needed to hear it and it, I said, this is going to sound kind of shocking, but like, horrible tragedies have happened since the dawn of time, and people have always baked pies while they were happening. So I'm not saying ignore it or put your head in the sand or don't, but like, it's actually very weird that at this day and age, we can be so connected to every single tragedy that's happening. It's not normal for the scope of humanity, for us to be so in tuned with tragedies that we have so little sphere of influence over like it. Usually, if something was happening, it was because it was, you know, the town next door, or it was, you know, in your country, or somebody knew about it, or, you know, but at the same time, like there's people are still having babies and baking pies and wrestling on, you know, the floor with their kids. And I think sometimes that is hard. Am I allowed to continue to have joy? You know, without it's almost like a survivor's guilt,

    Nat Vikitsreth 42:39

    yes, and what I hear from the parents in my community too is I tuck my kids in at night, knowing that some other families don't get to do that, and getting Real about our capacity and what we can do while holding next to it all the tragedies that are happening to show up in solidarity with others. We gotta be ready. Our cup cannot be dry. We know this right? And the guilt is so real Casey, it's so so real. And to put my therapist hat on is to ask the question of, so how do we mobilize that guilt into action? But the human part in me, I carry that guilt too, like I was treating myself with pizza the other day, so excited to eat the first moment I opened the box, and I have my phone, my Instagram on the other hand, and I see pictures of children starving, or rather made To be starved. And it was a choice point. Am I gonna let the skill take over? Like, I know my body needs nourishment and my bandwidth needs to be replenished, my cup needs to be refilled so that I can go back and take action tomorrow?

    KC Davis 44:18

    Yeah, that sort of filter of like, sphere of influence is, I think, a really helpful for those moments where it's like, Can this feeling, this distress, this guilt, is whatever, like, Can this inform or mobilize me into an action item? Because sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no, no. There's not really any more action items here. You know, there's not

    Nat Vikitsreth 44:41

    That's right, that's right, that sweet spot before guilt turns into shame, we are okay. So what am I gonna do about it? Yes, my heart is breaking. What am I gonna do? Yes, I'm feeling guilty about the joy that I'm cultivating to fill my cup. What am I gonna do? And it could be, what am I gonna do tomorrow? Makeup is a little fuller, but right now, can I give myself grace and permission to cultivate joy? Right? Because, throughout history of organizing Casey, they're artists. They're poets who write as they process, who make art as they process their grief and rage and heartbreak, and who, mothers, femme, identified bodies and humans who bake pies, right? And I think we talked about that briefly, where there's always going to be oppression, people who put us in hierarchy of worthiness. But as long as there's oppression, there's always resistance, and sometimes resistance is taking place in the kitchen where I'm going to knead the pie dough together, mobilizing grief and heartbreak out of my body by moving bilaterally. At midline, there's rhythm, there's humming, there's music, there's connection with the land, with the spirits. They're swaying and rocking up the body. There are ways throughout history that people are unapologetically moving through grief and heartbreak well,

    KC Davis 46:17

    and just you saying that, you know, I think it finally hit me that it's not resistance if you're giving in to the despair, resistance is also resisting the despair, resisting the hopelessness, because those are the weapons of oppressive systems. And if you're not resisting that, it's not resistance.

    Nat Vikitsreth 46:41

    No, it's gaslighting ourselves into what the oppressors want us to do. And it's not moving the needle. It's not helping us stay in the struggle, right? If my trans community, my Asian immigrant communities, we can't afford other like more people burnt out and not take action.

    KC Davis 47:05

    Now this has been such a wonderful conversation. Can you plug yourself and your accounts and where can people find you and see more of what you do?

    Nat Vikitsreth 47:16

    Thank you for asking Casey. I can mobilize families and people to do this liberation work. But when it comes to talking about myself, I have no word. So please be patient with me. All of my information, along with my podcast, which is called come back to care. Is at comeback to care.com, and then work with parents and families, people who love and raise young children and want to heal their inner child wounds and internalized oppression wounds so they can really show up as an ally, as a parent, as a human, and do this liberation work for the long haul. Well,

    KC Davis 48:01

    I can't thank you enough, and we will put those in the show notes that people know where to go. And I hope that you have a wonderful day.

    Nat Vikitsreth 48:09

    You too, KC. Please take care. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
112: When a Loved One Won’t Seek Mental Health Treatment with Dr. Alec Pollard

What do you do when a loved one won’t seek the mental health treatment that they obviously need? We are looking at the very important topic of mental health from the perspective of your concern for a loved one who might be resistant to asking for help, and what you can do about it. I’m joined by Dr. Alec Pollard, a co-author of When A Loved One Won't Seek Mental Health Treatment: How to Promote Recovery and Reclaim Your Family’s Well-Being. With a long career as a clinical psychologist, he is the founding director of the St. Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute. Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

  • Dr. Pollard’s background and four decades of experience as a psychologist 

  • Turning his focus to help those who are concerned about their loved one’s mental health

  • Dr. Pollard explains The Family Well-Being Approach/Consultation

  • Two types of accommodations that loved ones make: commission and omission

  • Differentiation between appropriate and inappropriate accommodations for a loved one

  • Recovery avoidance: a pattern of behavior that is inconsistent with the process of recovery

  • Creating opportunities for a loved one to get better through support, incentives, and positive rewards

  • Dr. Pollard’s book and its approach of finding a balance between long-term planning and crisis management

  • Dr. Pollard’s takeaway about his book as his proudest achievement in his career

Resources and Links:

Connect with Dr. Alec Pollard: St. Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute and When A Loved One Won't Seek Mental Health Treatment

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music. Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, and I have a guest with me today, Dr Alec Pollard, and we're going to talk about, what do you do when someone that you love doesn't want to seek out mental health treatment that they, in your opinion, probably very much need I talk a lot about mental health on the podcast, but I'm usually talking about mental health from the perspective of you being the person looking for help. But I know that things get really complicated when it's someone that you love that needs help that maybe feels resistant to it, and so for that reason, Alec, thank you for being here. You and some of your colleagues wrote a book, and the name of that book, let me pull it up here, when a loved one won't seek mental health treatment, correct. So tell me a little bit about yourself and how this came to fruition. Well,

    Dr. Alec Pollard 0:55

    I'm a psychologist. I've been practicing, I won't say how many years, but let's just say I was a child prodigy, certainly, of course, but okay, I'll admit it, almost 45 years, I've been practicing at this point, and I started off with my interest in specializing in OCD and anxiety disorders, and that was truly my love for many years, in terms of both research and clinical work and teaching and training, but at some point myself and my colleagues would get these calls, and we're not alone in this, and it would be somebody, it might be the husband of someone, the wife, the parent, the child, the adult child of someone with a mental illness, who would say something along the lines of, he or she has got this serious problem, it's affecting the rest of us, but they won't get help, either because they deny it's a problem, or they agree it's a problem, but they're working on it themselves. They don't need help whatever it is. And so what can you do to help us? And then we would say, well, not much have him call us when he's ready. And that's pretty much what we call in the book, Doctor typical. And we were Doctor typical, because that's what you know to do. You're not a miracle worker. Can't make somebody want to change. And so that's what we said for a number of years. And finally, we were feeling guilty about that, because we had real human beings calling us, it's suffering, and that's kind of what we're supposed to do, is to help people who are suffering, and we were just turning them down. And so we realized that, well, maybe we can help the families, if nothing else, to reduce the impact for the mental illness of their family member on their lives. And so we started sharing ideas and researching the literature. Found that there was very little directly about this topic. There were lots of things to draw upon, which is what we did, and we also learned a lot from our colleagues in the substance use area, who are very used to people not wanting help and denying that they have a problem. So we took some things from them. I'm happy to say that I've never had the original idea in my life. I I just steal from everybody else, and the only original contribution, perhaps, is how we package it, put it together into a comprehensive, holistic approach. And that's nice, but, but really, we were fortunate that there were theories and interventions that we could draw upon to put together this, what we call the Family Well Being approach, or Family Well Being consultation, if it's provided by a therapist. But the book really was designed for some families, at least, to be able to do this on their own and to learn how to deal with a loved one who will not seek treatment, something we call recovery avoidance, and we can talk more about that, if that would be of interest. Well, I,

    KC Davis 4:09

    my own background is in addiction. I was a therapist in various addiction centers, and then ended up at the end of my code of addiction career working with families, and so I'm a little bit familiar with, at least the conundrum of, you know, when families are so desperate for help. And the way this book is laid out, it's, it very much is laid out. In my mind, being a practitioner, it looks like, Oh, this is someone who has had the same conversation with person after person after person after person, and after person, and then finally, kind of realized, wait a second, there's kind of a pattern here. This could kind of be systematized and given out, you know, at mass to people, because I'm really kind of saying the same things. There's kind of the same principles that I'm repeating, yes, and I find that when I used to work with people that wanted to get their person. Into, like, a drug rehab. There was kind of, like two polar opposites. You kind of had the people that were like, I think the word we would use was, like, enabling. Like, there's this idea that, well, if I just make sure that this person doesn't experience any distress, then you know, I'll get them to stop using drugs. And then on the other side of that, we had the families that were like, you know, if I make their life hard enough, if I punish them enough, if I control them enough, you know, if I if I bring enough consequences, and if I make them hit rock bottom. And I'm curious if that's been your experience, sort of generalized out to other mental health issues, because it seems like you address both of those things in the book

    Dr. Alec Pollard 5:42

    we do that's very, very good observation on your part. And so we came from the field. When we first started doing this work, it was largely with families of people suffering from OCD. And then we started to realize, well, in fact, when we first started the book, it was going to be about OCD families, and then we realized, Now, wait a minute, we've been doing this with the families of socially anxious folks, agophobics, depressed. Why are we just focusing on that so? But the reason I mentioned the OCD focus early on was in the OCD literature, there's something called accommodating, and it's very similar to enabling, and it's the concept gets has the ability to sort of be fine tuned and nuanced in our book, so that we have different types of accommodating and things like that, which are not as critical for our conversation, but it basically is the concept of enabling, and which we call accommodating. And then there's two kinds of accommodations that we're concerned about for family members. One is accommodations of commission. Those are the things people usually think about with enabling or the term accommodating, the things we do for someone that we wouldn't normally do for anyone else if they didn't have who was not disabled in some way, and those are accommodations of commission. But we also learned that something that doesn't get talked about as much as accommodations of omission, those are the things we give up in life for those people because we're accommodating, we're committing those accommodations and the social life the you know, sometimes even more extreme, you have to quit your job and realize we didn't address that early on, when we were Developing this approach, and we started to realize this is something that we're omitting that should be in there, and because we really emphasize a lot with the families the importance of cutting back on those accommodations of omission to start to bring back into their life the things that bring them, that they value the bring them meaning joy, pleasure, because, and this is, again, not a unique idea to us, is that if you, if we go, think about the flight attendant who always tells you when the oxygen mask comes down, put it on yourself first before you Try to help your children or others that you're with, and that's such a great metaphor for our whole approach, which is we're not going to even talk about how to get that family member in treatment until you've taken care of yourself, both because you need to be a model for that person, instead of telling them what to do, why don't you do it and take care of your life, your own well being. And secondly, very pragmatically, when you are stressed, when your well being is not taken care of, you are not very good at dealing with the challenge of what we call recovery avoidance and and that's the pattern. It might be helpful at some point for me to kind of define that term a little bit, but,

    KC Davis 9:12

    yeah, I want to get into what recovery avoidance is, but I only want to ask a little more follow up question about this term accommodating, because I'm interested in that term, as opposed to enabling. And I think I like it, but accommodating is also the term that we use when we're talking about, you know, okay, somebody who needs accommodations at school, someone so I'm interested in that being the word. How do you help families understand maybe the difference between, like, an appropriate accommodation for someone's disability or their mental health versus an inappropriate or a kind of accommodation that's not helpful or maybe is sort of like an over functioning on the family's part? Yeah,

    Dr. Alec Pollard 9:55

    that's a great question, and you're right, and we go into some length about. Talking about accommodating as a general term, is a good thing. You know, it's good service at a restaurant. It's, you know, when you accommodate people. And not only do we talk about it in that way, we also use that point to try to destigmatize or unshame people from thinking that somehow there they goofed up because they wanted to accommodate somebody. Their intentions were absolutely positive and good, and in most cases, accommodating is a good thing. The problem is that they don't, and they can't possibly realize this at the time is when you start accommodating a recovery avoider. That's when it's bad. So there is no general strategy that's good or bad in life. Generally, usually okay. I think shooting is bad thing. Don't shoot people, but. But even then, if somebody's attacking your family, you might have to so it's understanding the nuance of when to do something and when not to do it. I use the example of a loaning money to a friend. So it really depends on who that friend is, whether that's a good idea or a really dumb idea. And sometimes you don't know your friend well enough until it's half it's too late, but you that friend who needs that extra money to get through the last last year of college, and they get they graduate, they get a job, they put themselves on a payment plan, they pay you back every month. That ended up being a really good thing. You feel better about yourself. They get through college, it's a win, win. But that friend who maybe isn't so responsible or doesn't have the right attitude about it maybe doesn't pay you back, and then you start calling them, going, Hey, where's the money? And then tension builds, and this is just what happens in families, and then it starts to deteriorate into that conflictual

    KC Davis 12:04

    Well, it's an interesting distinction, you know, accommodating the mental illness versus accommodating the recovery avoidant behavior, yes, which I think is interesting and important, right? Because we're not just talking about, in general, a loved one with mental health. We're specifically talking about a loved one with mental health issues that is not taking the steps towards seeking any treatment, or not taking the opportunities, or not accepting the help, or not really where, where we find ourselves working harder than they are, on a consistent basis on their mental health, right? Exactly. So that's a that's an interesting distinction.

    Dr. Alec Pollard 12:45

    Yeah, no, that's exactly it. And also, you know, it's just in life in general, even without any concepts of accommodating and all the things we all know about, just as you approach life, it's a human challenge to learn and know when to change what you're doing. And you know, well, we all know that. Suppose a quote from Einstein about the definition of insanity is keep doing the same thing, but expecting a different outcome. I'm not sure he said that, but, but he gets credit all the time, but for that. So it's knowing, okay, I don't know anything about accommodating or whatever, but something's not working here. And human beings, God, love us, we sometimes get stuck in things, because, unlike computers, it's not input in analyzed and input, I mean an output. It's we filter things through what we hope and wish for, and so when we get information, we don't always use that information to change our expectations and our tactics. We just keep doing the same thing over and over again we get that's

    KC Davis 13:58

    what we always used to say in in rehab was we would tell families, you know, they'd say, Well, you know, is it right to give them money? Is it wrong to sign them up for therapy without their and we'd always say, it's not about right and wrong or good and bad. It's about what works and what doesn't work. Because if we find ourselves kind of doing these same things, these same accommodations, over and over, and that person is not helping it's not helping them. They're not getting better. They're not, you know, wanting to seek out treatment. So tell me, let's go to that point about what does it mean to be recovery avoidant, and what does that kind of cycle look like?

    Dr. Alec Pollard 14:32

    Well, we think we felt that we needed a term for this to study it, we needed to label it, to give it a term that we could begin to talk about it with, and recovery avoidance was the term that we picked. There's a and recovery avoidance we define as a pattern. First of all, it has to be a pattern. It can't be once or twice something happens, but a real pattern of behavior that is inconsistent with the process. US of recovery from whatever the problem is. And we're very adamant about emphasizing that this does not describe intentionality. No person wants to not recover to wants to be impaired. It is not no decision is made consciously. I'm going to be an impaired individual, and that is part of why the thing you were talking about the people who are maybe more conflictual in their dealings with a person with a mental illness, we call that minimizing. And again, I'll say why we did which is that it trivializes the forces that drive recovery avoidance, that make people act in ways that are inconsistent with their own welfare, and by sort of suggesting that if I lecture you one more time, you'll snap out of this, and in fact, they're not capable of snapping out of it, and certainly not on command. So So So what happens is that that the minimum we talk about two ways that families interact with recovery avoidance. One is the accommodating, and then the other one is the lectures, the nagging, the prodding, the shaming, the shaming, the guilting, the on and on and on, all the uglier sides of being human and and we try to help people not feel so ashamed of that when they look at themselves. We try as much as we can to help people feel that this is all just natural ways of reacting to very challenging situations for which none of us is prepared. Well,

    KC Davis 16:44

    a lot of people I know, at least me, I mean, most of us, I think, vacillate right. We maybe are trying the accommodating, and then it, you know, we kind of blow up and get frustrated and swing to this other side, and then we feel guilty about being so harsh, and then we come back over here, and we just kind of swing back and forth, and neither side is really working, and we're we're not really even reacting to the person we're trying to help. We're just reacting to our own internal frustrations and fears.

    Dr. Alec Pollard 17:13

    Yes, absolutely, and we would not say that you're either Accommodator or a minimizer. Everybody is both. Now some people might do more of one than the other and and that's certainly true, because we see that. But to really understand what we call the family trap, you have to understand both dynamics, the because both minimizing and accommodating. Not only do they not when we say not work, we're talking about more than not working. We're talking about actually making things worse. So we have to understand that these both accommodating and minimizing, are toxic in that they it's not just that they're ineffective. We would say at best, they're ineffective, but most of the time, they actually contribute to this trap that the whole family is in. So the more that the individual avoids recovery, the more the family accommodates, the fewer opportunities the individual has to engage in recovery behavior, and their motivation to do so goes down because they're protected from the consequences of their own disorder, which is what drives us to go to go see the doctor. For the most part, people don't go to a doctor to be a better person. Okay, maybe in some parts of California. But other than that, don't do that. And I can say that because I lived in California for four years at least. So, any rate so, and then the other part of this, and I don't have, you know, we don't have visuals here, my diagram, that's in the book. But so you have that circle of interaction, more recovery avoidance, more accommodating, fewer opportunities and and incentives to actually work on recovery. And that cycle, then you have this other loop where, because you're accommodating, you are burdened by the extra responsibilities that jeopardizes your well being, which means you're going to be cranky, irritable or anxious and afraid. None of those things help you deal effectively with recovery avoidance. So when you start the lecturing and whatever, the recovery avoider now feels number one, more afraid because you don't get it. You don't understand how hard this is. So they're distrustful of the family because they don't feel that they get it. They're more anxious, more defensive, dig their heels in, which reinforces recovery avoidance. So that's the whole thing we call the family trap. And everybody's stuck in it. They don't know how to get out. And so all right, of course, I'm going to say that our book is the way out. I'd like to think at least for some it will be you. But it's easy to see how just normal human beings can get stuck in that cycle.

    KC Davis 20:11

    I like the term opportunity. It's funny, you know, I actually just turned in the final manuscript for my book. It's about relationships and how to make decisions in relationships, and it actually pairs nicely with a lot of things that you're talking about, because it deals with, you know, what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone that maybe has some mental health difficulties, and you feel stuck between the compassion of, well, I understand where they're coming from and the reality of, okay, but this is really hurtful. And you know, what do I do and what are my obligations? And one of the things that I that I talked about is this idea of opportunities where you can't control whether someone gets better or not, whether they're willing to, or whether they're able to, or some mix of it, but we, we can look at whether or not our behavior is robbing that person of the opportunities to get better. Yes, and you know, we, all we can do is create those opportunities, not get in the way of the opportunities that would be there and be healthy enough to be the kind of support system that a person would need when they are able and willing to take those opportunities. Yes,

    Dr. Alec Pollard 21:17

    absolutely. And we would say, probably there is one more thing you can do besides creating the opportunities. You can create incentives for it. You can actually incentivize people to take advantage of those opportunities, but, and big but, well, that didn't sound right, you know what I meant? So you we don't even talk about that, that's the last step in our five step approach, because we you won't do it well if you haven't taken care of yourself first and reduced the conflict in the family. Yeah,

    KC Davis 21:55

    I was going to ask, how do you help somebody distinguish between creating incentive in a healthy, appropriate way, versus the kind of controlling, you know, oh, I'll just bribe them, right? I'll bribe them, or I'll threaten them, or I'll make these ultimatums, you know, because I can see someone engaging in those behaviors thinking, Oh, I'm creating incentive. I'm telling them I won't pay for college if they don't go to therapy. Or I'm telling them I'm going to get a divorce, if they won't, you know, take the medication?

    Dr. Alec Pollard 22:24

    Yes? Well, that the answer to that could take up the rest of our talk so, but I'm going to try to bullet point it here a little bit. Alright, so you won't be upset with me, Casey. So there's a couple of things that that distinguish sort of what we would call productive use of incentives and incentivizing versus what families often tend to do people violate. So in step five, by the way we talk about that very issue, like, well, what's the difference now you're you told us for the first four steps, we should take care of ourselves, and now you're turning us back to trying to influence the recovery avoider. And the answer is, yes, we are, but it's some fundamental differences. First of all, if you've done it right, your household is no longer filled with conflict. Not saying that the recovery avoider is cured or better, even just saying there's less conflict. So for a while you're gonna All right, so he sleeps till noon. So what? Leave him alone. You go play golf, whatever. I know I'm oversimplifying it, but it's basically stop creating unnecessary conflicts. Save your battles for if they're standing in front if they're in their room doing rituals and it bothers you. Well, you got to learn to let go of that. If they're standing in front of the television doing the rituals and you can't see it, that's different. That's what you have to focus on the things that directly interfere with your life, and then you try to let go of the other stuff. And so the whole goal of Step four is to dismantle those arguments, those contentious things, and focus on yourself more and treating both you and the recovery avoider better. So before you even get to trying to influence them directly. You are trying to get rid and you know, we have a quote before each step, you know, like some kind of defining quote. And the defining quote of step four is, if you can't do anything good, first, do no harm. That was Kurt Vonnegut quote. And so we're saying, let's stop doing harm, which means let's stop the arguments and the conflicts that are unnecessary right now and get the environment better between you and the recovery voider. That is a huge difference, because when you're mad at each other, you can't do any healthy and. Incentivizing. It's, you know, and so, so that's one big difference. The other big difference is that we focus on incentives that are immediate. So when people say, Oh, I'll pay for college if you do this, well, that's too far off, because you have to understand that the reason that people behave in ways that are sort of self defeating are not because of long term things. It's because of the immediate influences on their behavior, mostly the avoidance of something bad or the pursuit of something good. We really are not that complicated at that level, right? So I'm either going to get a high if I smoke this and or if I do this compulsion, I won't feel so bad. And so the incentives have to be more up closer in time to really be so if we just use the example of homework, that's not the big issue for everybody, but let's just pretend, instead of saying, Johnny, I'll get you a new car. Like, take the huge incentive, like, I'll get you a Mercedes Benz. Now, most of us couldn't even think about using that as an incentive, but if at the end of the semester you have straight A's, okay, well, first of all, that's pretty high straight A's. It's all or nothing. So that's a bad incentive, and it's way off better to say when you've done your homework tonight, you will earn screen time tonight based on that you got your homework done on whatever contingency, however you set it up. But that's going to be much more powerful than delayed, and because you're battling against immediate incentives that are keeping people impaired. So any rate, there are nuances to it. We go through the definition of good incentives and bad ones and healthy and most importantly, we focus almost exclusively, with some exceptions, on positive rewards, rather than because often what families have gotten themselves into is threats and negative trying to influence things through negative consequences, whether it's just yelling, arguing, threatening to kick them out, which that's an in a lot of times, the concept of tough love. One version of it is, you know, the idea that you're kicking them out of the house and tell you get treatment, you can't live here, and all that kind of stuff. And that all sounds good, and sometimes people can do that successfully. But the problem is most families can't follow through with that, and so what they've done when they kick them out of the house and then they let them back in after the first call from a homeless shelter, they've now done more harm because they've lost their credibility. So we emphasize for families do lesser things, but make sure you're ready to do them and don't do them out of impulse. Plan them all that's in the book talking about how to plan your interventions, do things that you'll follow through with, because it's about building credibility in part over time, so that when that family member hears you say, starting in June, I will no longer, or I will start blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, and they believe it. And so you reduce testing you, yeah, and that you start to get credibility, right? So that's another thing that we emphasize a lot, is don't be so ambitious. Start easy and make sure you can follow through with it, because that's going to build on your ability to be effective with that person down the road.

    KC Davis 28:55

    Well, we're running up out of time here, but I just wanted to say that the book is chocked full of really, really practical things. And I like the balance between long term planning and like crisis management. Like, what do I do right now when this thing's in front of me, speaking of in front of me, I think I have a child about to run in here. That's life. It's okay. And I do, I do, honestly, really like the book. It does seem to mirror a lot of the lessons that I learned, you know, just in working with people in addiction, which I, you know, is my stamp of approval there. And so again, for everybody, it's when a loved one won't seek mental health treatment, how to promote recovery and reclaim your family's well being. And so I really encourage everyone to check that out. Do you have any last kind of things that you want to say about the book? What is the thing you're most proud of in

    Dr. Alec Pollard 29:48

    the book? Well, I will say, I think this is the thing in my career, which is, I've already admitted has been rather long. I think it's the thing I've done a lot of things, and I. I won't go on about it, but just I've done a lot of things I think I'm proud of in my career, but I think this is the one that I'm the most proud and mostly because I think we've started to create thinking about and again, other people have, you know, set the tone for us, and we used their information to go a step further, but I hope that we've opened up the door for a whole group of people that otherwise were ignored and neglected, and not the recovery avoiders, although them too, they will benefit, but these family members that so many of us have been ignoring for years, They're suffering, and I'm hoping that we can do some good there.

    KC Davis 30:43

    Well, it's a great book, and I'm going to be recommending it to people, for sure. I'm actually going to send it to some of my therapist friends that still run rehabs, because I think you're right. It's not that, it's, you know, you know, I know. You're very you're humble and saying, oh, you know, we're really building upon, you know, work that's been out there, but this is such an excellent synthesis of all of that wisdom, and I appreciate the way that you laid it out. I mean, my whole thing is kind of talking about moral neutrality, where, you know, we don't want to shame you for what you've been struggling with, and not put these moral labels on it. And I think that's something that the book does well. It's not good bad, right or wrong, it just is. It's just human, understandable, human reactions, and some of them work, and some of them don't. And let's get you on the right path. And so Alec, I want to thank you again for your time and for the all the effort that you guys put into this book.

    Dr. Alec Pollard 31:34

    Thanks so much. It's been my pleasure. You

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
111: How to be a Content Creator without Wrecking Your Mental Health with Franchesca Ramsey

If you joined us for last week’s episode, you know that we promised Part 2 of my conversation with Franchesca Ramsey. She brings an expert perspective on the various aspects of content creation, like authenticity, compassion, handling negative comments, the value of listening, and more. Franchesca Ramsey is an actor, writer, public speaker, and longtime content creator. She wrote and performed in the web series MTV Decoded, where she tackled race, pop culture, and other uncomfortable topics. Other notable accomplishments include writing for The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore and a nomination for an NAACP award for one of the best books of 2018: Well, That Escalated Quickly: Memoirs and Mistakes of an Accidental Activist. Franchesca shares her expertise and insights about guarding your mental health as a content creator. Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

  • The skills we lack in being human, trusting each other, and genuinely calling someone IN

  • The public vs. private sphere of an online presence

  • Listening, forgiving, and doing the right thing

  • Hard-earned perspectives on hot takes and being silent

  • What’s your WHY for content creation?

  • Handling critical and negative comments on social media

  • Being authentic in content creation means sometimes logging off.

  • KC’s thoughts on her WHY as a content creator

Resources and Links:

Connect with Franchesca Ramsey: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and book

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello, you Sentient balls of . Welcome back to struggle. Care. I'm your host. KC Davis, we're going to jump right back in to part two of my amazing conversation with Francesca Ramsey about mental health and being an online content creator out in these public platform streets. If you didn't hear last week's conversation, go listen to that. And if you are just joining us this week, you're going to want to hear that first just as a reminder, Francesca Ramsey is an actor, writer, sought after, public speaker, and the creator, star of the award winning web series MTV decoded. She has been a former writer and correspondent for The Comedy Central show, The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, and she wrote an amazing book called well that escalated quickly. So without further ado, here is the rest of that conversation. Well, and I think in general, like as a society, as people, like one of the things that we don't we're not taught well as kids, it is how to manage emotional reactivity and that feeling of being in fight or flight, and so, like we, I think, lack those skills in general, but then you push somebody into the place of a content creator, and like all of that is amplified online. And I actually had that same situation last week. I had a mutual mega video, and it was friends only, and she tagged me in it, and she was like, Hey, I just saw this video that you made, and I almost didn't say anything, but like, I think like or form, I think poor form, it kind of hurt my feelings, right? And like, what was so it was genuinely, maybe one of the most touching things that has ever happened to me on Tiktok, because, like, this person and I have followed each other for probably three or four years, and like, they absolutely they could have just scrolled on because, hey, you don't agree all the time, or they could have unfollowed. Literally, it was like this very human moment where I was, like, this person cared enough to tell me, like they actually valued this. You know, it's parasocial, but it was like a mutual parasocial relationship, and they felt comfortable

    Franchesca Ramsey 2:06

    and they trust you. And I remind people I saw that happen, and I remind people all the time that it's really scary to share that you've been hurt or that you're disappointed or that somebody fucked up. I think people assume like, Oh, you're getting off on this. You're gonna, especially if you respect somebody, it's really scary, because you're like, this could potentially, this could potentially hurt our relationship. Like, is this going to be the end whatever? So if someone does that, it's because they believe that you can handle it. They believe you can do better. They believe that you are worthy of their time and energy. How many times that people piss you off and you just go, Fuck it. I'm never gonna talk to them again. I'm just gonna write them off. Versus you say, like, Hey, can we make time to talk? I'd love to go out to lunch or get on the phone or FaceTime, or can I send you an email? Whatever? I'm setting aside time for this relationship, because I value it, and I want us, my best friend's sister, as a therapist, and she says, rupture and repair. We've had a rupture, and now I want us to repair it, and it's because you believe it's worth it. And, yeah, I've made a few of those friends only videos and commented on a few of them, which I think is how we got to this podcast episode. Yeah, I again, it doesn't always work. Don't get me wrong. It does not always work, but I believe it's worth it. And I just think more people could stand to benefit from calling folks in. And just like sometimes you got to call people out, brands, celebrities, stuff like that that I don't have personal connection to. But I think if you really want to move the needle, you got to call people in sometimes.

    KC Davis 3:48

    And I do think like when it comes to calling someone in, like when it's someone who has, like, an established relationship with me, there's so much more there than someone ran. Because I do think sometimes someone will make a video, and it'll be a very passionate, quote, unquote call in, and they'll say, like, Well, I'm not calling them out, I'm calling them in. And it's like, I mean, okay, I guess technically, but like, and at the same time, I think there's a difference between, you know, if you've been directly hurt by someone or something, like not saying that everyone needs to, like, tone police themselves. But at the same time, I do think that if we are the person doing the calling in, we have to ask ourselves, like, What is my purpose? Do I want this person to hear me? And am I thinking about the way that I'm talking and the way that I'm addressing them in the hopes that they can hear me, or am I using language or tone that I know is going to make it more difficult for that person to hear me, but I'm gonna enjoy how it feels like I'm the one that's right.

    Franchesca Ramsey 4:54

    Yeah. I mean, I think assuming that your audience has heard these terms before, but just for. Reference, you know, calling out is when we do something in a public scale, and we're taking a celebrity or a brand to task or person you know in our personal lives, because we've been harmed, versus a call in requires a lot more care. Even though you have been harmed, you are not making this public, you are making it a private or a more delicate conversation, because your hope is to repair the situation so the person can learn from it. And so I think you bring up a really good point about asking yourself, what is the intended goal? Because I do think there's a way to call people in that happens to be public, but I think it's very tricky. And I think a lot of people to your point, use the words I'm calling you in, but they're not really and for me, I think calling in requires like offering a little bit more grace. It doesn't mean that you're saying what you did is okay, and I'm excusing it. You're just allowing a little breathing room to say maybe you didn't mean to do it like and intentions are those things that, like we often try to stay away from when we're trying to take real accountability, but when we're calling someone in, I think you give that little breathing room so that the person hopefully can meet you in the middle, and then you can move forward together.

    KC Davis 6:28

    And I think the less of a relationship you have with them, the more you need to have some of that graciousness, because I don't know you, and you don't know me, and so like, if I do, it's like, if I do know you, you can actually be a little more pointed and direct with me, because I know you're not here to harm me. I know that the it's like the grace is unstated, and if I don't know someone or have a relationship with them, I actually have to put a little more of that graciousness in there. The best call out I ever yeah, there's more to calling in than being right and being on the same side. I think people think that as long as I align politically with you and I'm right, then anything I say to you being wrong is a call in, and that's more than that. But the best call in I ever got from someone that did not know me was a follower that made a video, and they said, Hey, I see that you feel a little spun out. And I want to tell you, like, with all the respect and the care in the world, just stop. Stop. You feel like you're being attacked. I know that it feels that way. Oh my god. I know it feels that way, but you're just digging yourself deeper. I implore you to just take a beat and step back and remove yourself in this conversation. But it was that like, I mean, it genuinely, like, auto regulated my nervous system. And they were like, you know, you've really kind of stepped in it, but I see you in this space of feeling frantic, and I one time went viral, and I know what that feels like. And it was like, there was this compassion for that without saying that. Like, yeah, yeah, you stepped in. It still, but like, I care you enough. Yes, yeah.

    Franchesca Ramsey 8:05

    They centered your humanity. They were like, and again, it's that thing that I keep saying is, like, two things can be true, you fucked up, but you're also a human. And my good friend Dylan Marin said this. He has a fantastic podcast called conversations with people who hate me, and he wrote a book about and did TED talk, and one of the things he said is that empathy is not an endorsement, and I think about that all of the time, but we can empathize with someone and not say that what they did was okay. Still hurt people, you still need to face consequences, you still need to repair the harm, and also you are a person and hurt people, hurt people, and people make mistakes, and I've made mistakes too, and I needed to learn from that mistake, and I've gone viral, and I've been called out. I've done those things, and I can see the humanity in you, and that's why I'm taking the step to call you in. And I think most people aren't prepared for how much work calling someone in is. It's like emotionally draining, and you don't get the public cookies for it, and that's where I think people default to doing things publicly. And they say it's a call in, but it's like, No, you. I mean, you just want people to hear it, which is fine, that's okay. But if it was done offline, it would be a lot more work, and you really don't get anything out of it. You get nothing out of it.

    KC Davis 9:36

    Yeah, this whole like private versus public fear is interesting to me online, because I feel like a lot of the conversations that we have, a lot of the discourse around community, does not take into account the very unique dynamics of online platforms. So like, when we talk about, let's just take like, the very comment, you know, like, listen to, and then fill in the blank, right, listen to. Black women listen to people with disabilities. And it's this idea that you know you don't necessarily get to be like the arbiter of whether you caused harm, like the people who you know. You need to listen to people that say, Hey, that harmed me, and it's intent versus impact. And all the stuff, like all of that stuff, is really, really true, and there aren't a lot of people there to help you walk through what that actually means in the context of 1.6 million people watching your videos, right? And like, because, okay, like, you know, you've said something or you've done something, and like, no one is a monolith. And so there's a portion of people that are like, hey, that's fine, and a portion of people that are really angry about it, and maybe you need to address this. And how do you address it online? Do you address it offline? If someone came to you offline and you address it, you know, not every mistake needs a big public apology video. So you have to make these decisions about, you know, what does need me to address publicly, and what you know, I addressed privately, and I kind of did my thing, but now there's still people publicly that are upset because they didn't see whatever that work was. And you start to, you know, when you when we hear this, sort of like, you need to listen to people, and it's like, well, is that the same thing as every single person that has an opinion in your comment section, sort of like being owed or needing to get an explanation or you're wrong, as long as anyone can say you're wrong, and that there's like, a tricky way to translate some of those lessons on how do you listen to people while recognizing that you know not everything kind of going back to our First point, not everything has to be performed publicly and but maybe some things do,

    Franchesca Ramsey 11:46

    yeah, I mean, I think, unfortunately, there's not really an easy answer for that. I think it's something that I struggle with myself, and we kind of touched on this before, is being okay with the fact that you're not always going to get it right. Everyone's not going to like you that even when you really make your best effort to do it right, it's not going to be enough for some people. And the same way that when you have conflict with someone and they say, I'm really sorry, and you decide you're not going to forgive them, sometimes you're on the other end, and you say you're really sorry and the harm was just too big, and the person says, like, I can't forgive you, and you just have to be okay with it. You have to say, like, my actions will hopefully show you that I've made the changes and I'm bettering myself, and I'm trying to do what's right. And if it's not enough for you. It's okay. It's not gonna you see this a lot of times where someone says, like, oh, I said, I'm sorry. Like, what more do you want? Like, it's like, oh, so then you weren't really sorry. What you wanted was to be forgiven. You didn't actually want to repair the harm. You didn't want to change your behavior and do better. You wanted a clean stamp, and then to move on, if you're really trying to move forward and be better and learn, you have to accept, oh, it's not going to work for some people, but I'm still going to do what's right. I'm going to do what's right not because it's profitable, not because I'm going to get rewarded for it, not because my name is going to be in lights, because it's the right thing to do, because most of the time the right thing to do. Don't get you anything, nothing. You know, we're not all getting a Nobel Prize. Sometimes you lose you lose jobs, you lose friends, you lose opportunities, because you're trying to stick to your morals, but you stick to your morals because that's the right thing to do. And it's I get messages from people about this all the time, and I'm like, I wish I had an easier answer for you.

    KC Davis 13:48

    One of the boundaries that also has really helped me, particularly when I make like white woman mistakes, is, do I want to do the right thing or like? Is my goal to do the right thing, or is my goal to be seen as doing the right thing?

    Franchesca Ramsey 14:06

    If no one was around, would you do the right thing?

    KC Davis 14:09

    And sometimes like, I will take steps to like be accountable and rectify situation, and for whatever reason that is not somebody doesn't like that, either it was a publicly and it wasn't good enough, or sometimes it was just something that actually went private, and that work went on privately, and I didn't make a video about, Oh, and here's all the things I learned. And so early on, what would happen is someone would say, like, you're not doing this, and I would want to respond with, actually, I am doing this. Here are all the things that I'm doing. And then really quickly it was like, Oh, so you get in this place where, okay, if I don't publicize all of this thing that I did, that I thought all these ways. I thought that I was meeting my integrity. There's this group of people that will think that I. Didn't. But if I do make that move to publicize it, to make these people think this, then it will do something that tastes bad. It will be this. Here's this self aggrandizing. Let me give you I've now centered myself, to give you a long list of how I'm really okay, and you're not allowed to think that about me. And I've learned that like, truly, most of the time, the more appropriate response is, like, just to allow people to misunderstand, or I can let someone know you know something, but like, if it ever comes down to the only way this person is going to think that I have not done the wrong thing is to make a big, long video about how I've done all the right things. It will not feel good. It will not taste good in anyone's mouth. It will not center the right things, it will it will blow up. It will not feel good, and it will not have, it will have just been about me, really caring that user number 904455, is wrong about me, and they see that they're wrong about me, and that's when I kind of go back to that, like, Okay, did I pursue the right thing? Yes, I did. So that's what I developed,

    Franchesca Ramsey 16:10

    like, a number of just like responses that I share all the time, that I go back to when I feel myself wanting to defend myself and go back and forth. I often tell people it's okay for us to see this differently. It's just okay, like, I again, especially on the internet where it's like, I don't know you, I don't know you, you don't know me. You have a life. I have a life, and I realize I'm in a privileged position in that like this don't pay my bills. So like, if this was fucking on my check, it would be very different, but it's not, and it's okay if you have to unfollow me, it's okay if you have to block me, it's okay if you report this video, it's okay if my Tiktok gets taken down. I mean, I'm gonna be disappointed, but I'll be fine. I'll move on. And I also often say I'm not gonna repeat myself. I was clear the first time. At this point, you were just asking me to give you more of my time when I said it very clearly, and that's it. And I like doing that because it is a trick that makes me go. Now I really can't respond, because I'm gonna look fucking stupid. Yeah, if I just said I'm not gonna repeat myself, and then I repeat myself. Yeah,

    KC Davis 17:16

    I sometimes will say, like, if someone's really pushing and pushing and pushing, I'll say, I understand that you don't agree with my choices,

    Franchesca Ramsey 17:23

    and I'm okay with it. Like, yes.

    KC Davis 17:26

    Like, just to put it back, like, put it back into this perspective of, like, number one, this is just a disagreement on opinion. This isn't a lot of people like to turn it of like, hey, because I've, you know, I'm trying to hold you accountable, and if you don't do what I think you should do, you're a bad person who doesn't want to be accountable who did it? And it's like, actually, this is just two people having a differing opinion on what we and like, I've done what I think, you know, meets my standards of integrity the best I can. You don't think that I did. That's okay. Neither one of us is bad or wrong. I understand, and then I'm also, like, making them realize, like you're just repeating yourself, like your goal now is to get me to do something to control my behavior, and I'm letting you know, like I'm not going like, I understand you disagree with my decision, clear, nothing to argue about.

    Franchesca Ramsey 18:16

    Yeah? Well, yeah, I do something really similar. And I think what's really smart about that is, at the crux of it, people just want to be heard a lot of times, and I've learned through my time on the internet, dealing with my audience and people that I actually know and people that don't like me and people that have you know, dedicated hours of their content to talking about how they dislike me is that a lot of people don't feel heard in their real life, and so the Internet is a place where they feel like they could be heard. And so sometimes, when I'm going back and forth with someone, sometimes I just say, I hear you. It doesn't mean that I agree with you. It doesn't mean that you're right. I just I hear you, I hear where you're coming from. And I've again doesn't always work, but I've oftentimes found people that are just like, you know, thank you so much for hearing me. I really respect that we had this conversation, even though I still think you're wrong about blah, blah, blah, it's like, wow, how unfortunate that you've been in too many situations where people just didn't listen to you. And I know how frustrating that is when you're being misrepresented, and it's just like, but this is what I feel, this is what's important to me, or like, this is what I believe is right, or, and the person's just got their fingers in their ears, and you're just saying, I just, I just want to know that this is penetrated, and then I can move on. And so sometimes you just have to give that to people. I understand is a great one. I use. I've heard you, and sometimes I've said to people, especially when I can really see that they're upset and it's not going anywhere, is I say, like, how would you like this to be resolved? Like, what do you want? Because if you. What you want is for me to say I'm wrong. You're right. That's not gonna happen. But if you want, because I don't think I'm wrong, but if there's something that you want me to do, and it's within reason, I might be able to do it. Sometimes I had somebody say, you know, I'm getting dog piled because of your comments and blah, blah, blah, I said, What would you like me to do? Can you delete the comment? Okay, I'll delete it. Hey, I remember one time I was, I had gone through a bad breakup, for Jessica was not being smart. She was sub tweeting. And I was sub tweeting about this girl and all this drama and whatever, she showed up in the comments, and she was like, You blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and and she said, You're you're posting this for validation, and you need to take this down. And I said, You know what you are, right? I was posting this for validation. I didn't name you, but obviously you're upset, because you know what's about you, so I'll delete this. And then, sure enough, we exchanged some very friendly emails, and we're not friends, but like, we decided to squash it, and it was a great example of, like, I fucked up. Somebody was unhappy, and so I said, and again, what I said, No, sub tweets was not wrong. That's probably why she was upset, but how I went about it was not right, and she was upset, and I could acknowledge that I had done the wrong thing. And so if deleting this, because it was one of those things where, like, I fired off a subtweet and then it went viral, and because people were agreeing with it, or they had been the same situation, and it must have come across her feed, and she was not happy about it, even though she wasn't named. And so I said, No problem. I can just delete it. It's over. And I think more people would be served to just say, what is going to help us move forward? It doesn't mean that anyone's the winner or the loser. We're just agreeing to disagree and move on.

    KC Davis 21:48

    Yeah. So the last thing I wanted to ask you about is, what are some lessons that you've learned, or advice that you maybe have to give, or maybe just experience, some perspectives on how to engage with like, bigger issues as they come, as they're happening, whether they're political issues or social issues or things like that. Because I feel like there's kind of like two sides to the polarity. Of like, there's that frustration of like, I need to have a hot take on everything. But then there's also this, like, I feel like it would be weird for me to not say anything. Then sometimes there's a lot of pressure from an audience for you to address something, and then you know, so what are some like, kind of maybe hard earned perspectives you have on that?

    Franchesca Ramsey 22:31

    Yeah, something that my therapist says to me a lot that has been really helpful for me is like knowing what your WHY IS, and when I know what my why is, it helps me make decisions about what I speak on, what I share, what I create. And for me, my Why is telling untold stories and making people feel seen. And sometimes that means, like, posting a silly video, sometimes that means sharing content from someone else. And I think my why also kind of like what we're talking about, the calling in versus calling out. Like, am I sharing this because I want to look knowledgeable and informed and I want to be a good look like a good person? Or am I sharing this because something is really important that needs to be amplified and I'm the best person to speak on it, or I have a perspective that people haven't heard. I use that a lot when I decide if I'm making content. And I think that's one of the things I really don't like about Tiktok, is that it rewards everybody speaking on something. And a lot of people there the videos are like, I don't really have anything, I don't really know anything about this, or I don't you know. People are asking me to talk about no one is asking you to talk about this, but okay, but everyone's talking about it, so they need to. And for me, I'm of the mind of, like, am I adding anything to this conversation? And if not, I'm just not going to participate. Doesn't mean the conversation is not important. Just means that, like, I Francesca, don't have anything to share, so I'll just share what somebody else has said. You know, someone who's more informed, a journalist, you know, and you know, an economic specialist, somebody who has some letters at the end of their name. And I can say, You know what? That makes some sense. Now, why am I going to just try to, like, regurgitate what I hate, those videos that are like, I saw somebody that said it's like, just share the video with the person that said it like, I don't need your cliff notes version of it, because you're just trying to get views. So I think, like asking yourself, like, What's your why? And everyone's going to be different. And then the thing that I've tried to do to varying degrees of success is to be candid about my wins, but also be candid about my failures. I have found that that has given me goodwill with my audience, because it happens so rarely, that when you do fuck up, if you're like, Yeah, you know, I fucked up. And instead of trying to sleep it under the rug, like, here's what happened and whatever, you're not going to win everybody over. But for me. Me, more times than not, people are like, Yeah, you know, I rock with you. You've always you've done that the entire time. I've been a fan of yours. You know, sometimes you get it wrong. You're human. It happens. And then when it comes to, like, speaking on certain things, I always similarly to how I feel when I've been wronged or I have, like, strong feelings about something. When something happens, I try to give myself a moment to make sure I have all the facts. And that has come from mistakes. The story I talk about my book was there was a guy who posted on Facebook that he was throwing out resumes of anybody whose name sounded too black and they like went viral, and everybody was trying to find where he worked. And I was on the case, and I found where he worked, and I posted it on Tumblr. And then we were calling the office, and we were yelling, and blah, blah, blah, and the guy did not work there. We were calling some like, random business, and we were flooding their phone lines, and they had like, an automated, like, off site phone service, and they had just been instructed, if you said, Hey, does Casey Davis work there, they were just supposed to say, Oh yes, we will send her a message, even if you didn't work there. They were just instructed to do that. And so that's what they were doing. And I remember when the company put out a statement, and they were like, that person does not work here. We do not know who that person is. I felt so stupid, and I was like, I was not the sole person responsible, but I had this moment of, if I had just taken, like, two seconds to just one, one, what is my why I want this person fired or like, or do I want to have a conversation about, you know, racism in the workplace and how certain names get like? That's a conversation worth having. But I've decided that this, like, one random guy needs to lose his job, and I need everybody to know about it. And so I jumped in, and I didn't have all the facts, and then you can unring the bell. And so similarly, something will happen in the news, or a celebrity will do something, or whatever. And like, everyone is so fast to be like, I have to respond to this. And it's like, Did it really happen like that? Like, do we know all the information, it doesn't mean that it's not worth talking about. But like, I am not the Associated Press. Like, why do I have to talk about it the minute it happens? The minute it happens? How many times Kate Middleton, perfect example, homegirl, was missing, quote, unquote, she just had cancer. And so many people were like, holy shit. I've made like 30 videos saying that she was kidnapped and she's dead, and conspiracy theories, and we're making all these jokes, and then she comes out, and she's like, Hey everyone, I have cancer. And I was like, now if y'all had just satchel asses down and waited again, like it was weird, the Royal Family handled it poorly. Like, don't get me wrong, but like, everyone was just so quick to have a response. And it's like, sometimes it's okay to just say, I don't have enough information to comment on this.

    KC Davis 28:19

    There's been a couple of times where I have made a video where I've said, like, hey, this thing happened, and a lot of people are talking about it, and I do not have a hot take. I am also processing this thing, this like Zeitgeist event that happened. But I just, you know, it occurs to me that it might feel strange to you that I'm not saying anything, you know, that just to see my content go on and and, you know, I just want you to know like I'm right there with you, like I am also sort of reeling from this whatever, whatever I think I might have posted something similar to that, like when January 6 happened, where it was like, I don't have a comment. I may never have a comment, but I know that some of you sometimes are, like, wondering, like, why do you not seem disturbed by this? And I think sometimes, particularly being a white woman, a lot of people have that, like, fear of like, when, like, are you not saying anything? Because you just don't care if you're not affected. And it's not this, like, demand. It's more like a safety check. It's like, I'm constantly wondering if you are indeed continue to be a safe person. And so sometimes that's like, the best I've come up with, yeah. And

    Franchesca Ramsey 29:34

    I'm also just something that I say all the time is, like, speak up, not over and sometimes, like, you just don't need to hear from me. And like, I would rather reshare, repost someone else's content, you know, or recommend, like, a book or an article or, you know, I oftentimes will read something and I'll just, like, post it on my story. And I'm not saying like, this is the right perspective, or, like, here's why you should read this. It's just like I read. And I thought this was interesting, and I'm sharing it with you. And so people are like, what do you think about blah, blah? Sometimes I'm like, I really have been living my offline life, and I don't know about that thing. And I think, on the one hand, it's flattering when people care what I think, but I often have to remind people like, I'm a comedy writer. Like, yeah, even when I was doing decoded, which was, you know, is a show about race and pop culture, and one that I'm really proud of and opened a lot of doors for me. Like I was reading a teleprompter on that show. I know I'd do a great job at it, but people are like, You are so smart I need to know what you think about a, b and c. And I'm like, I had, like, a team of writers and fact checkers working on that show, and so, like, you were getting a really funny, concise, five minute explainer, but it took like two weeks to write, and it went through all these different channels to make sure that it was correct before it was put out. It was not a hot take. And so, like, now something is happening, and you know, it's like, Will you speak on this thing? And I'm like, do you want me to speak on it because you don't know how you feel about it? Or you want me to filter through how you should feel about it? Or do you actually care how I feel? Because real talk, like, I'm not qualified to speak on a lot of things, like, a lot of times I'm just sharing my opinion. And again, I've gotten to a place where I'm okay, not commenting on every single thing. And I have really been making a conscientious effort in recent years to, like, move away from being, like, the social justice educator. It's tiring. I just I want to, like, be funny and like, Sure, say stuff that's smart too, but like, I don't want to be tasked with, like, oh, this tragedy happened. Like, Francesca has to explain it in like, a minute video that's shareable. Like, I just, like, drew something in my journal that I thought was cool. Look at this. I painted another wall. Like, I'm just, like, I want to do that. And I think people need to give themselves permission to do that again. It's so important to talk about all these issues. But, like, it's weird to me when I'm like, You are a cupcake influencer. Like, why are you explaining to me? Like, geopolitical news with fucking icing? Like, why are you You don't I mean, it's like, when the freaking Johnny Depp trial happened, like, suddenly everyone was like, a body language expert, and I was like, just make your fucking crochet videos and go like, I don't need to hear from you about this. I don't think you're qualified, and I don't think you actually care. You just want the views, like, listen

    KC Davis 32:35

    the nuttiest one that I ever got. This was like six degrees too. Was I had a guest on my podcast to talk about friendship. She left like she did, like an advice column about friendship, and we want to talk about, like, different kinds of friendship. And so I had her on my podcast. She has a tick tock, but, I mean, she had probably, like, 20 or 30,000 followers. There's, like, a very small account, but I just happened on some of fruities. But then I got an email from someone, from a listener that was like, I'm just so disappointed that you had this person on your podcast because, like, they have not used their platform to talk about and like, I don't remember what it was. I don't know if it was like they have not spoken about Palestine, or like they haven't talked about this, like, event that happened, and I remember being like, wait, wait, wait, you're disappointed in me for having a content creator that talks about friendship on because on a completely unrelated social media account where she talks about friendship, she did not make a commentary on some sort of, like geopolitical happening. I was like, This is strange. Yeah,

    Franchesca Ramsey 33:35

    it's also just, it's so interesting to me, like, personally, if I'm going to do someone's podcast, or if I'm working with someone, you know, I do my due diligence, but sometimes it's like, I'm on a panel with someone. I'm like, I don't freaking know this person. I don't know every single thing that they've done or said, and it's like, do you denounce this thing they said in like, this year? And I'm like, yeah, that's pretty fucked up. If I talked to them, I would say that was fucked up, but on the panel, it had no relevance, and I didn't know about it. And I can't go back in time and tell them that I disagree with the thing that they did that I didn't know about until now. Like, I

    KC Davis 34:14

    just not everything needs a press release. Ah,

    Franchesca Ramsey 34:17

    no, it's such a weird way to engage. And I just have to remind myself that people that have the time and energy to devote to that, like, it has really nothing to do with me. It has it's other stuff that has nothing to do with me. And like, I just have to wish them well and hope they figure it out. But it's taken my other time to get there. The

    KC Davis 34:38

    other mind trick that I do sometimes it really works is that I what I noticed is that when people would say really hateful things to me or really critical things to me, I was automatically picturing like a reasonable person that I wanted to like me or agree with me. And so then I felt this like I need to convince them, no, I need to show them if I just explained. And then I was watching Tiktok one time, and it came across those like, street this is, I'll admit, this is a little mean, but it was like street interviews from people at Trump rallies. But like, in particular, the ones that are like, very into conspiracy theories, where they would be like, he's the new Christ. He's the new Christ. I

    Franchesca Ramsey 35:17

    saw him pulling all the strings. But also he's not like, how? And they're like, Well, why

    KC Davis 35:22

    do you think that like? Because I saw his face in my pancake, right? And so what I started doing was realizing, like, Casey, why are you assuming that every person that like is a scholar, like, start thinking of him as this person? And so I did. I'd be like, I would picture it coming out of the mouth of like, the person who thought they saw Trump in their pancake syrup, and then being like, Is this someone that I need to respond to? Like? Is the substance of this necessary like? Do I even care what this person thinks of me? And all of a sudden I was like, so free of a lot of like, because sometimes there was like, a genuine, substantive like, I'm concerned about XYZ, and sometimes it was something where it's like, You're so wrong, and it would be so easy to prove myself right, but also like, I don't care enough because you think Trump's in your pancake. Yeah. I

    Franchesca Ramsey 36:12

    mean, I think that's definitely a way to go about it. And I think, you know, having that offline community that gives you that gut check, because sometimes, like, I've had times like that too, where someone says something that, like, I really don't agree with but there's like, a kernel in there that I'm like, Oh, is that true? I don't know. And so then I sometimes I just have to say to, like, again, my very offline friends who don't know any of the drama or any of the viral whatever, I'm just like, Can I get your read on this? Just tell me, like, what do you think about this? And if they say something like, I don't know. Think that they're right about blah, blah, blah, I'm like, Oh, fuck. Well, you're like, super offline, and I trust you, and I know you, and I know you're gonna give me, like, an unbiased opinion. Then you know again, but it's goes back to that. Why do you want to win internet arguments, or for me, I want to tell untold stories. I want to make people feel seen. Sometimes that means engaging with people who think differently for me so that I can better inform my content. Sometimes that means logging off so I can do a better job at making my content sometimes that means taking time away from the internet so that I can make sure that I'm better informed before I decide to come back and make something. And

    KC Davis 37:25

    sometimes I'll take that, like, kernel of truth and still not engage with someone, because, like, okay, there was a kernel of truth, and I can take that, and I can grow from that. But it's also clear to me that you are a person that is not for me, that like, your intent was to wound me, and so I don't have to come back to you and be vulnerable about that, like, I can take this like, little kernel of gift you gave to me and, like, leave you on red.

    Franchesca Ramsey 37:46

    I mean, we are not meant to engage with 100,000 people's opinions every single day. We're just not I'm not supposed to know what everybody's doing at all times. I'm not supposed to know about like, every like, exciting event in every person's life. I'm not supposed to know about those things at all times. And so sometimes, yeah, sometimes I have, like, a subset of my audience that thinks that we have, like, that parasocial relationship. And again, it's very flattering. But sometimes they'll just like, dump in my inbox and tell me, like, all kinds of crazy things. And I'm like, I know you're going through something, but like, I really don't have the space to take this on. And, like, I just have to say, like, Hey, thank you for sharing this with me. I hope that you are able to, like, find healing and peace. I'm sorry I'm not the person to like, help you with this, you know. Or sometimes I just, like, send them a heart emoji. And I'm like, that's all I can do right now. Like, I'm literally doing 8 million things, and I just saw your long wall of text, and I'm like, I can't, I really can't do this right now, and I also don't know you, and like, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a marriage counselor, or whatever it might be, and it's just okay to be like, I can't. This isn't for me. I can't do this. I

    KC Davis 39:02

    am one of the like, lessons that I learned when I was running Drug Rehabs that oddly helps me with social media. Because there was a long time where I was getting lots of emails and DMS about, like, people's personal and they're heart wrenching. And I especially, you know, setting myself as a book creator who's like, trying to give helpful tips to people struggling. It's like I wanted to answer every single one, and I wanted to help every single one. And I took it really hard if someone was like, hey, that tip didn't work for me. And I realized that, like, My why is, like, I'm here to build a really good net, not to go fishing with a fishing pole. So, like, I'm not worried about, like, every fish on the line. I'm not here to save everyone or to fix everyone's problems, yeah. Like, I'm here to make a really good net, knowing that some people will not get caught up, like, some people will pass through, some people won't be helped by it, but in general, like, I have a structure of creating content and education that lots of people can kind of get caught up in, in a good way, and that was always kind of a helpful way, because it's hard to like. Catch and release. You know what I mean, when you kind of feel like, oh, gosh, this person really kind of dumped this shout

    Franchesca Ramsey 40:04

    out to you for keeping that fish analogy going, catch and release. Thank you. Yeah, catch

    KC Davis 40:10

    and release. There you go. Francesca, this has been such a great conversation, and I'm glad that I waited till I had like the perfect person to have it, because you are just such a grounding person to talk to, and I appreciate your perspectives a lot, and especially on this.

    Franchesca Ramsey 40:25

    Thank you so much. That means a lot. And like I said before, I am such a fan of your work and what you bring to this space. I think you do a really good job of navigating challenging conversations with a huge audience. And I'm just very honored that I am in community with you, and that I've been able to learn from you and, yeah, and that we've been able to have, like, a fun but heartfelt conversation. I really appreciate it. Thank

    KC Davis 40:49

    you. If people want to follow you, where can they find you?

    Franchesca Ramsey 40:51

    I'm on Instagram at Chesca Lee, C, H, E, S c, a, l, e, i, G, H, my website is francesca.net Francesca F, R, a, n, C, H, E, S, C, a.net, and then I'm on tick tock as Francesca Lee. Somebody else got my got my username. I'm usually, I'm usually tuscali everybody everywhere. But if you just search Chesca Lee or Francesca Ramsey on tick tock, you

    KC Davis 41:14

    can find me Awesome. Well, have a great day.

    Franchesca Ramsey 41:17

    Thank you. You too. You

Christy Haussler
110: How to be a Content Creator without Wrecking Your Mental Health with Franchesca Ramsey

Today’s episode is a conversation I’ve been wanting to have for awhile, and I’ve found the perfect person for this topic. Franchesca Ramsey is an actor, writer, public speaker, and longtime content creator. She wrote and performed in the web series MTV Decoded, where she tackled race, pop culture, and other uncomfortable topics. Other notable accomplishments include writing for The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore and a nomination for an NAACP award for one of the best books of 2018: Well, That Escalated Quickly: Memoirs and Mistakes of an Accidental Activist. Franchesca shares her expertise and insights on longevity and mental health as a content creator. Join us to learn more!

Show Highlights:

  • Burnout is real in the content creation world.

  • Lessons learned about life and authenticity as a content creator, influencer, and vlogger

  • Are you putting your time and energy in the wrong place?

  • You have to censor yourself EVERY day!

  • Impulsive reactions on social media can have severe consequences. Give yourself space to step back.

  • Prioritizing joy in your content and not reacting with anger

  • The nature of social media

  • Strengthening internal boundaries by getting comfortable with being misunderstood

  • Thoughts on cancel culture and negative backlash

  • Our conversation is so good that we don’t want it to end. We will continue with Part 2 with Franchesca in next week’s episode!

Resources and Links:

Connect with Franchesca Ramsey: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and book

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello the, sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to struggle. Care. I'm your host, KC Davis, where we talk about all things individual and systemic that affect your mental health, your wellness, and occasionally just things that interest me. And so I am really excited about today's episode. This is a conversation I've been wanting to have for a while. I haven't found the right person to have it with, and so I have Francesca Ramsey with me in the studio. Francesca, thank you for being here. Oh,

    Franchesca Ramsey 0:29

    thank you for having me. Casey, I'm such a big fan. I've been a longtime fan of yours, so it's long overdue for us to chat. Well, thank

    KC Davis 0:36

    you. I was so starstruck when you, like, tweeted at me on Twitter. I was like, wait, wait, wait, what?

    Speaker 1 0:44

    Yeah, I've been following you on Tiktok for a minute at that point. And then, you know, I made, I did this thing where I pulled a video from Tiktok to Twitter, which I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point, when I was like, oh, man, I feel like I should let her know that it was me. If people are starting to get weird so,

    KC Davis 1:02

    and they did, they always do. If those of you at home don't know who Francesca Ramsey is, let me give you a little breakdown, and then I'll let you also introduce yourself, right? But Francesca's an actor, writer, public speaker, longtime content creator, and you've done lots of stuff. You did the web series MTV decoded. You've been a writer for The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, and you also have an NAACP award for one of the best Amazon books in 2018

    Franchesca Ramsey 1:29

    Well, I got a nomination. I lost the award to Michelle Obama, which I'm totally okay with, right? I mean, we knew she was gonna win. I knew.

    KC Davis 1:39

    And you wrote a book called, well, that escalated quickly, and I believe it's memoirs and mistakes of an accidental activist. Okay, so you're the perfect person to have this conversation with, because I want to talk about longevity and mental health and being a content creator. And you've been doing this a long time, and I've been doing this a short time. And in my short time of doing this, I think I started in 2020, and it was totally accidental. I have had to learn a lot of really hard lessons, and I have wanted to quit a few times, and I have watched other content creators quit?

    Franchesca Ramsey 2:21

    Yeah, burnout is real, and I think especially because this career field is so new, and most of us, you know, you can go online and you can see a lot of people working as content creators, but in your real offline life, do you know a lot of people that are long term content creators, probably not, and so creating community for me has been really important. But I've I've felt myself get burnt out. I've watched other people get burnt out. I started making videos in 2006 so my senior year of college right after YouTube had been founded, there really was no blueprint. And I think for me, the thing that's given me longevity, as I approach almost 20 years, which is bonkers to say, is taking time off. And I think a lot of influencers and creators, they're like, I'm gonna go all in, which is not a bad thing. But when you're self employed, you can essentially work all the time. And when your content, when your life is the content, the lines get blurred between, like, living life and living life for the purpose of creating content. And somehow I just had the foresight to not do that to myself. Yeah, that's actually

    KC Davis 3:41

    one of the things I wanted to ask you about. Is because I just wanna delve into your brain about, like, the lessons that you've learned. And that is one of them. Because not only do I see people burn out, so I see people like, flame out, burn out. I also see people quit because they're like, it's too much and I can't do it anymore. I also you see people, quote, unquote, get canceled, and then they quit, or they, you know, they just can't recover. And one of the things that I wanted to ask about is this idea of, when it comes to, like, the content creation, influencer, vlogger world, there's this idea of authenticity, where, you know, it's not just the product you're putting out there. It is also you. It's your life, your personality. And there's all this emphasis on authenticity. And I'm curious, like, how you lessons you've learned about boundaries, because I feel like that's where a lot of us get into trouble. It's like there's a difference between authenticity and transparency. And you had a Tiktok recently where you talked about, there was someone talking about their frustrations, learning that white content creators were often paid more than black content creators, and there was this frustration, and you made this Tiktok response where you had said, like, hey, that is like a real issue, and we need to talk about it. And it is valid to be upset about. And one of the things that you see a lot of newer content creators do is we don't have a buffer between experiencing something and then jumping online to talk about it

    Franchesca Ramsey 5:14

    and turning it into and turning it into content. And it's it is, it's hard. When I made that video, there were a lot of people that were like, there was differing responses to it, where people were like, you know, don't tone police, don't respectability politics, all these things. And I was like, Look, I know these words, and I think you're using them in the wrong way, because I am not saying that you should not be angry if you're not paid fairly. What I'm saying is when something happens. I mean, it could be the smallest grievance ever. I mean, you see influencers do this all the time, where they're like, I ordered something at this restaurant and it didn't come on time, and then they make a video about it, and you're like, Okay, I understand that you're pissed off, but like this becoming content, what is the purpose? And similarly, if you want to talk about pay disparity, which I think we absolutely should, if your goal is to be paid fairly, making a video the minute you find out about it is not the way to do it. And I saw a number of influencers, one in particular that was saying, you know, my manager reps these white creators, and they're making more than me. And I was like, so you should be talking to your manager, not to us, because if your manager is telling you my white clients are getting paid more than you, then Mom, why you my manager earn that 10% but now you come on social media and you tell us about it, and you you look really tone deaf to Your audience, like your audience is like you're complaining about 1000s of dollars for Instagram posts, other brands are thinking, Oh, if the deal's not right, she or he or they are, they gonna go on the internet and argue and talk about it versus talking to us behind the scenes to get it right? They might be too risky. And so I say that from a place of I have made that I have made that mistake I will never forget. I was working on my first TV job was the Nightly Show, and I was really struggling. And one night after that, we, after we taped Larry, my boss sat us in the office to go through. How do we feel about the episode? And he asked me how I was doing, and I was really, I don't remember what I was upset about, but I was really stressing out. And he said, Well, maybe if you weren't on Twitter so much, you wouldn't be stressed. And I had a moment of, oh my God, my boss is seeing me talk shit on Twitter when I'm supposed to be in my office writing jokes for the episode, and now here I am stressed about if I did a good job or not, because I was putting my time and energy into Twitter. And it was a huge perspective shift for me, because even when I was right with who I was arguing with on Twitter, I was putting my time and energy in the wrong place. And I think that's something a lot of creators, they struggle with, that balance your grievances can be absolutely legitimate, but I have to ask myself, what's the result that I'm looking for? What's the purpose of sharing this on the internet? Am I looking for the instant gratification of Yeah, girl, you're right, blah, blah, blah, or do I want a solution to the problem? And you know, I think that can happen. Sometimes you can get both, but I'm of the mind. It's never going to hurt you to just take a moment to calm down before you decide how you want to move forward. It

    KC Davis 8:36

    seems like it's a hard lesson to learn, and there's not really anybody to tell us when this point comes, but Tiktok is such a different animal than all other social media that we've really been familiar with in the past. Like it used to be that we had our personal Facebooks and our personal Twitters, and then if you uploaded on something on YouTube, there was this understanding that it's like this is cultivated for an audience. And then you used your like, personal, you know, Instagram or Facebook, for your kind of unfiltered reactions to your day, and it was just the people that you knew listening to that, and they knew your intentions and your backgrounds and whatever, whatever. And when Tiktok really started blowing up, I feel like a lot of us started Tiktok just like our facebook, and it was just our friends we were following, and then, like, but as they blew up and as they got big, there has to be this, like, turning point of, like, Oh, this isn't my personal social media in the sense of, like, Facebook anymore. Like, I can't just this isn't just my unfiltered thoughts, or at least if it is going to be be aware that's going to get me in trouble, and I probably can't use this as a career.

    Franchesca Ramsey 9:40

    Yeah. I think with the thing that a lot of people struggle with, like, when you mention authenticity, I've seen this with a lot of younger creators. And just for context, I turned 40 last year, and not to be like, That's old, but maybe you've had this experience too, where I'm starting to see my 30s and 20s with, like, this different lens, where I'm. Like, Oh my God. I just didn't know there was just so much life I hadn't experienced. And one thing I see a lot of young people saying when it comes to authenticity is, I'm not going to censor myself like I'm just I am who I am. And I think you have to censor yourself every day, like you, you know, if your boss smells like a butthole. You don't say, like, Hey, you smell like a butthole. You just go like, Oh, my boss smells a little funky today. And you go about you. You just don't say everything that comes into your head. It's the same thing with building a brand online. You can be authentic without sharing everything. And some people think, oh, that's being fake. Or, you know, you're playing the game. It's like, well, I mean, maybe a little bit of both, but the same way that when you you know, when Beyonce is doing a meet and greet, you're not getting the Beyonce that's at home without her bra on, you know, like, that's a different Beyonce. I don't know that Beyonce behind closed doors, she's somebody else, but when she's at work, she's this version. And similarly So, when I'm on social media, you're seeing Francesca, but you're not seeing all of Francesca. There's stuff that I save for my friends and my partner and my family and whoever else you know. And so learning how to delineate what is for the audience's consumption? What opinions you maybe should keep to yourself? What drama should maybe be on the internet? If you have drama with someone you actually want to squash, maybe you got to talk to them offline. You have slide in their DMS to your point about the tick tock of it all, that algorithm will pick you up and show you to millions of people, and I've started, or for a while, I've thought about who is the person I don't want to see this content. If I have that person in mind, I shouldn't post it on then or because it could potentially get to them. Yeah,

    KC Davis 11:59

    and I want to talk about that the drama of it all for a minute, because two of the big things I wanted to hit was like, how you like lessons you've learned in dealing with like online hate, and also like lessons in online drama, like, I feel like when my account was smaller, you know, I would stitch a creator and say, like, I disagree with this person, or like, I find this person fundamentally flawed, or I this value set is ridiculous, right? And I hit a critical mass of followers to where, no matter how right I was or how tactful I was trying to be, it created this huge ripple effect of people like going to that person's page. And then it became about how I was sending my followers. And then it was like, okay, yeah,

    Franchesca Ramsey 12:45

    and I've even seen you, and I commend you, because I've seen a number of times where you're like, I am not telling anybody to go after this person, but they still do it anyway. And it is that thing of like, you can't unring the bell, and I've learned that lesson many a time. I told a story in my book about someone I don't even remember what exactly I think we were talking about, like victim blaming or something on Twitter, and a girl was in my mentions, and she said something along the lines of, like, Yeah, well, if you get assaulted, then it was probably your fault or something like that. And I ran, like, just reamed her out. I was like, and then, like, a few hours later, when I reread our conversation, I realized she was talking about herself. She was saying that she had been assaulted and that something that she had done had led to it, and by the time I realized it, my followers were just laying into her, and I was I felt so terrible. I DMed her, I deleted the tweet immediately, and I DMed her, and I was like, I misread your comment, and I'm so sorry. You did nothing wrong. And I and she never replied, and I just felt so heartbroken by it, and it reminded it was an eye opening moment for me that the impulsive reaction on my part to be right ended up having severe consequences, and also, because it was a public conversation, despite the fact that I was only replying to her, I didn't quote tweet her. It was still on the internet, and everyone could chime in. And the performance of social media encourages folks to not be thoughtful, not have nuance. It's like, WWE wrestling. It's like, I'm gonna wind up and I'm gonna drop on you, not because that's the right move, but because everyone's gonna see it, and so yeah,

    KC Davis 14:41

    and I had a few times, more than a few times, where I've made a response video that was snarky or sarcastic or clap back, and would have been a stellar, totally reasonable response, except I misunderstood what the person was saying. In my head, I always hear like, friendly fire, friendly fire, like I ended. Up really just blowing up some poor, vulnerable person, or, like, you know, I end up seeing them as, you know, a full human afterwards who maybe just made a mistake, versus someone who was really trying to be cruel. And those are always the times when I'm like, I need to step back for a minute because I'm now in a state that's so reactive. And typically, that reactivity is because I've gone through an onslaught of hate, of people who are clearly just trying to be cruel, people who are pursuing my suffering, and

    Franchesca Ramsey 15:32

    then it gets really hard to distinguish. I've had that issue too, where you have so many people asking questions that are not in good faith or misrepresenting what you're saying. So then you get a random comment. And something that I've done is I'm answering so many comments at once that, like I respond to somebody that I meant to respond to somebody else, or I think again, I just like, read too fast or something. And so again, like giving yourself space to step back and say like the internet is not making me feel good right now, I'm getting either a lot of negative feedback or I'm consuming a lot of negative content that's making me feel bad, and I need a break, and I think more influencers, again, need to give themselves space for that, and that's one reason that I always encourage folks to have multiple streams of income. Because, you know, here we are, Tiktok might not be here next year, and that is going to have devastating effects for a number of reasons, but for some people that Tiktok is their bread and butter, it could potentially be really devastating, but even for your own mental health, when you're like, have to make videos. I have to respond to comments. I have to no no, no, no, no. If I'm starting to feel tense, I'm like, I have to take a break. I have to put the phone down to go outside. I have to hang out with my offline friends who don't know anything about social media and live my life, because this is not productive. And, you know, there's been this whole conversation about like content creator versus influencer, which I think is kind of like semantics. But personally, I don't feel like my brain is suited for creating anything when I'm angry or upset, I mean, sometimes, but I'm really trying to prioritize like, joy in my content, and I can't do that if I'm thinking about like, how someone's gonna misinterpret it, or what the haters are gonna say. Like, that's not a good place to create from.

    KC Davis 17:38

    Yeah, and I find myself sometimes feel like I'm backed into this corner where not responding makes me feel powerless, like makes me feel like a doormat, like I should just sit here and take it, and I have some of my own trauma and my background to where, like when I feel like I'm getting the messaging, just be the bigger person. Just allow yourself just take it. Just take it. Just absorb it. Just absorb it. Yeah, I get to a place where it like clicks off something in me, and I feel really angry about my perception of the expectation that I just sit there and take it, and I lash out, and I clap back, and I feel like I have I'm constantly thinking about the way that I respond to those things, because there's been ways that I've responded where I feel empowered, and then there's ways that I've responded where it feels good for my ego in the moment, and then I end up regretting it. And then there's ways that I respond that I think, okay, all right, that's not some big, huge mistake, but like, what do I want to do differently? And I'm still trying to find that middle ground because it doesn't feel good to become the person that I hate. You know what I mean? Like to just utilize my power to squish you because you've hurt me. But it also doesn't feel good to just like completely ignore all of it, and I'm still trying to find that inner you know, that middle ground of can I Is there a place where I get to stand up for myself, or defend myself or not, have to feel that way that doesn't crush people, and I don't know,

    Franchesca Ramsey 19:08

    yeah, I mean, I don't have an answer. It's something that I grapple with too. But I will say the first time I encountered your content was when you were making those cards where you were talking about, like, bad faith arguments and like, you know, rhetorical devices and stuff. And I really loved that because, to your point about standing up for yourself, it felt like that's what you were doing in that content. You weren't directing it at one specific person. You were saying, here is something that I've encountered, and I'm going to explain to you why it's bad faith, why it doesn't work, how you can spot it, and you were taking your power back in that way. And that's something that I've been trying to do more than my content, like, if I see a trend in my comments, or I've encountered a certain type of person that is just, you know. Sticking in my craw, instead of giving them the spotlight, how can I take that feeling and turn it into content that makes me feel like I am giving it, like letting go of it, having power over me, but also like doing something that helps my audience? Because if I'm encountering this thing that I know they are and I can, or even sometimes, if I comment on drama, you know, for example, this influencer this conversation about pay disparities, I'm like, I can talk about this without saying the influencers name. I can talk about this without being like, here's why they're wrong and like, what you need to learn. And I can make it about what I've learned, my experience, things that I've encountered, ways that I would do things differently. And I can use that grain of situation as a jumping off point without making it about that. So that if you don't even know about the drama, you're just like, oh, this was really great advice. They don't, they don't, they don't have to know who I'm talking about. And I feel like, to your point about, like, the algorithm and drama and whatever, I also feel like it then you don't get caught up in, like, the discourse wave, where then like, everybody's commenting it. I feel like it attracts like a more authentic audience. Like, I'm like, Oh, this video is not going to go viral because I didn't say this influencers name and this data. But guess what, the comments are a lot better because there's people who actually care and want the information, and they don't want to just like, fight. And when

    KC Davis 21:35

    you get to actually talk about the subject, like, one of the things that I have noticed happens is that, you know, I'll start out with a commentary or even a criticism or whatever, and that's what I want to talk about. And I have good points and I'm not maybe I didn't say every single word perfectly, or maybe some, you know, in a real conversation, I might say something and you go, Oh, what about this? Will be like, yeah, actually, let me amend that one sentence. But of course, in Tiktok, it's a one snapshot in time, right? So, but what happens when it's a stitch, or when you say the person's name, or when whatever, not that that's always wrong, but really quickly, what becomes the center of the conversation is whether I did it right. And so now I have to defend whether I did it right, whether I said it right, whether I'm being a big old meanie or whether it was okay to say and then the other person, and then everyone feels like they have to take sides, like, well, I'm with this person. Why unfold that person? Why? And I'm really it's like now the conversation and the content and the replies and the videos are about me and whether I did an okay thing and not the actual subject that I wanted to talk about. Yeah,

    Franchesca Ramsey 22:39

    and I think that that's also just, unfortunately, the nature of social media, like it just doesn't lend itself to giving folks grace. And it is all about the hot take. It's very black and white. It's who's right and wrong, rather than like. And to be fair, there are some instances where like someone is wrong, right? Like someone has harmed someone, someone has broken the law, right? Like someone has, you know, abused someone. Like, those are situations where, like, yes, there is a right and there's a wrong, and then there's a bunch of situations where, like, there's Shades of Gray, where you're like, oh, I don't agree with that, but I can see how you got there. Or Or I've done something similar, and here's how I got to a different place, right? It's just way more nuanced than like, right and wrong. And I'm of the mind that some conversations are just not meant to be had in a one minute video. They're better for a podcast, they're better for an email. Sometimes they're just not suited for a public consumption. I've had a number of offline conversations with influencers and even some celebrities where I just, like, sit in their DMS and I was like, Yo, you getting eaten up right now? I can let you know why, if you want to talk about it, I can let you know I put the ball on the court, I say, like, I know you're getting inundated right now. And I think this is what's helped me, is I say I know people are coming at you left and right. If you want to hear another perspective, I'm here, and we could do it offline. And it doesn't have to be it's not a public conversation. It's totally off the record. Take it or leave it. And I will tell you I've had so many times where people have taken me up on it. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn't, but even when it didn't, it ended in from a place of like, hey, you know, thanks for reaching out. Nobody has done this. Everybody has done it publicly, and you're the first person who seemed to, like, actually care. And for me, I'm like, Yeah, I do. That's why I don't. I don't need it to go viral. I really don't, which is why I've had a number of times where people are like, this is disingenuous, because you're blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, I mean, that's how you feel. But I could tell you for sure, I have people on my inbox that you've seen on TV that are asking me for advice. And guess what? I can offer it to them because I I believe that they want to learn, and I want them to learn. I don't care about going viral. I don't that's not how I pay my bills. That's like a fun bonus. I'm genuinely, like, just very interested in communication and how we learn and mistakes, like all that stuff is just very fascinating to me. The most

    KC Davis 25:19

    helpful, like internal boundary that I had to strengthen, I think, with having a big platform was being comfortable with being misunderstood.

    Franchesca Ramsey 25:31

    Say that again,

    KC Davis 25:32

    I had to get really comfortable with walking away knowing that this person doesn't has misunderstood me, has misunderstood my character has misunderstood my point, because I will fall into the trap of arguing back and forth about, you know, being right, and I just the other boundary that came from that was and it happened recently, because what was it? Oh, I was drinking. I made a joke video, and I had one of those Starbucks drinks that you to the gas station, and very quickly got lit up by people angry that I was drinking Starbucks, because a lot of people are participating in a Starbucks boycott right now. And I had responded in comments like, hey, like, I actually have, like, read a ton about this boycott, and I participated from a union perspective for about six months. And kind of it seemed like it was a little aimless, for my taste, in terms of knowing what to do next. And so I went more for the BDS list of boycotts. And, you know, prefer to do XYZ towards, like, things about I care about with unions. Whatever the point is is, I was like, listen, I wasn't that was not in my thoughts when my husband bought me, like a $2 drink from the gas station. But, of course, like the Tiktok, doesn't do a lot of nuance and but one of the response to that was, as I was telling someone that was, they were like, Yeah, right. Just say that you care more about your creature comforts than you do. You know people's human rights and go or

    Franchesca Ramsey 26:54

    whatever. They've already decided. They've already

    KC Davis 26:57

    decided, yeah. And so I just what I said and what I've started to say at that point, instead of arguing, is I say I don't argue about my character and intentions with people like that period in a paragraph, like, I will give you a good faith response if you have an issue. Like, I will explain what I thought, or I don't want people to think the wrong thing, you know, if someone says I haven't seen you post anything about, you know, the Palestinian genocide, and I'll say, Hey, I've done lots of retweets. I actually have an active fundraiser. Like, I'll I'll inform someone, or I'll say, Hey, let me give you some more information. But once we get into well, you're only doing that because of this. Well, you just did that because of the PR. Well, you and it's like, at this point, I'm the only one that knows the truth. You have no way of knowing what my motives or character is, and like, you get to make your decision, but like, this is a hard boundary for me, because you're not going to be convinced. Like, I don't argue about my character. Yeah,

    Franchesca Ramsey 27:48

    they've already made up their mind. I mean, again, not to be a broken record. But this, I think, is what you explained so brilliantly in your series with those cards. It's like, these are bad faith arguments. The person, when someone says to you, oh, so you doing X, Y and Z, that's not a good faith they have. They are telling you what you did. They're not asking you what you did. They're telling you what you or what they believe that you did. And so at that point, it is a losing game, and I will admit I am someone who loves to have the last word, so it is some and I have learned that the sad in me hates being misunderstood, and especially because I really make an effort to choose my words so carefully. I am a writer. I get paid for my words, for my thoughts, and so it's very frustrating when people one of my biggest pet peeves is when people put quotation marks around something I haven't said, and I often just say, you can't put quotation marks around something that I have not said. That's not how quotes work. That's not how quotes work unless you're using it for sarcasm, like you know, or you know, or you're quoting a specific word. But you can't put a whole sentence together and put slam two quotes on the end of it and say it came from me, because I know it did it. One thing about Francesca, I'm a banker. I love receipts. Show me where I said it. Point on the doll where Francesca said X, Y and Z. You can't so to your point, it's just a waste of your time and energy, and that's just again, a time when you have to step away from the internet. I have to remind myself that we are very loud about the things that we don't like. We're not as loud about the things that we do like, and so it can often feel like everyone is screaming at you, and maybe that's true, but there's also a lot of people who really enjoy your content, who are just passively enjoying it, and they're just not saying anything about it. And then you step away from the internet. And my best girlfriend, I call her my work wife. She and I are exact opposites. She is the most offline person ever, and anytime I will tell her about some drama going on online, she's like, What are you talking. About, like, no one knows who what. And I'm like, Oh, right. Like people in the real world do not know about this. And even, like, a million people saw this video, okay, a million people feels like a lot of people. It's not a lot of people. Like, when you walk out of your front door and you ask someone on the street, Hey, did you see this thing, blah, blah, blah. They're like, No, what are you talking about? But a million people saw it yet. But like, no one on this block saw it, no one at your job probably saw it's like a bubble, you know,

    KC Davis 30:38

    I have so many of those little tricks it because I feel like it comes down to two things, like not taking the bait, but then when you do accidentally take the bait, it's also, like managing the fight or flight of like I'm being misunderstood. I'm gonna get canceled. People didn't understand what I said. Now they think that I said this horrible thing, blah, blah. And like, one of the funny mind tricks that I do is, like, if I make a video and I say something, and maybe I it was wrong, or maybe it was just off color, or was tone deaf, or whatever was it ever I decided to take it down. And then, you know, to manage that feeling of like, I need to make another video. I need to explain and re explain it over explain it. I'll sometimes, like, look at the video and it's like, okay, 12,000 people saw this video, and I'm getting hundreds and hundreds of comments of how awful I am. Sometimes what I'll do is, I'll look at it and I'll be like, okay, 12,000 people, and then I'll be like, every single person that saw this video unfollowed me for it. How many followers would I still have? And I'm always like, honestly, like, 12,000 compared to 1.6 million. Like, is not that big of a deal if 12,000 people saw a mistake and decided they were done with me for it. And I don't see that to be like, egotistical, or to say that, like, you know that I don't care about the people who follow me, but like, my brain goes to this place where it's like, oh my god, if I don't over explain this mistake I made, my career is over. And just reminding myself like, No, it's not. It really isn't.

    Franchesca Ramsey 31:56

    No, it's not. I mean, I say this all the time, but cancel culture is not real. And that's not to say that sometimes we don't experience consequences for our words and actions, and sometimes those are rightful consequences, and sometimes they are unjust consequences. That is the world that we live in. But ultimately, negative backlash. It doesn't, unfortunately, more oftentimes than not, it propels people's career, and I see it all the time on Tiktok. Now, people have gotten very wise to the fact that if you put the right words together, and you can get people upset, you can make a nice little check, and you can maybe get a podcast and and start doing public speaking. So again, I care more about maintaining my morals throughout my work, and sometimes that means when you stray, your audience is going to have a negative reaction. And what I can only hope for, and I think that you've done a good job with, is cultivating an audience that feels that they respect you enough to let you know when you fucked up, and cultivating an offline community, which is what I talk about a lot. I think a lot of influencers lack is some people who will really let you know. They will slide in your DMS. They will pull you to the side. You know, I've had times where I was like sub tweeting and just going off, and I'll have a friend text me and say, girl, you Okay? I see you on Twitter. Uh, everything, okay? And I'm like, Oh, I'm going through some online. I'll never forget my friend Angelica Ross, who is an actress, and she has become a good friend of mine, but we met via social media. She did that to me a few times. She said, Girl, come over, turn Twitter off. Let's lay by the pool, just chill. And I was like, wow, I needed that so badly. And when I see people spiraling online, I often think, God, I just they must not have somebody, or maybe they're just not listening to them. But I definitely think some of them are in real time sharing every single thing, because they don't have that group chat that they could say, oh, this thing pissed me off, and they can all tell you, you're right. Don't post that online, though. All right,

    KC Davis 34:15

    y'all, this conversation is so great, I don't want to end it early, so I'm gonna go ahead and split me and Francesca's conversation into two parts. So stay tuned for next Monday, where I will release the second half of this phenomenal interview. You.

Christy Haussler
109: Should We Bully Immoral People? with Ellie Rushton

Join us for today’s interesting conversation about ethics, boundaries, suffering, bullying, and being online/offline. There are many facets to these topics as they intertwine with morality, and we are diving into a discussion with Ellie Rushton, 

Show Highlights:

  • Ellie’s background, work, and TikTok content about “cultivating bold spaces”

  • Ellie’s definition of bullying: “doing something harmful several times on purpose for the sake of someone’s suffering”

  • Thoughts on bullying and why people do it

  • Holding someone accountable vs. bullying—what’s the difference?

  • Ellie’s perspective on online comments to others’ content

  • Thoughts on the roots of inequality, oppression, and suffering—and the problem with categorizing “good” and “bad” people

  • People are afraid of embodying compassion.

  • What is effective in online spaces

  • Thoughts about boundaries, revenge, and retribution

  • Standing up for what you believe while holding yourself accountable

Resources and Links:

Connect with Ellie: TikTok

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC Davis 0:00

    Music.

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. I sound a little sick because I am a little sick, but I am here with you and also with Ellie Rushton here in the studio, and we're gonna have an interesting conversation today about ethics and boundaries and suffering and bullying and being online and being offline. And I don't really know what to call the whole episode, but I am glad that you're with us. You sentient balls of Stardust and Ellie. Thank you for being here on the show. Thank you so much for having me. It's great to be here. So I stumbled upon one of your tiktoks that really, really put into words something that I'd kind of been throwing around in my own head. But before we dive into that, tell me a little bit about you and what you do, and you know your Tiktok channel talks about cultivating bold spaces, and kind of just tell me a little bit about all that. Yes, so my name is Ellie. My pronouns are sheher, and my life's mission has become in recent years, this idea of cultivating bold spaces. Basically what I mean by a bold space is a space in which people are safe and empowered to discover, explore and expand their authentic selves. It's an idea that I sort of spiraled out from the concept of safe spaces and brave spaces. Came up with this idea in the context of performing art spaces, and then I realized it kind of works everywhere. So I thought, You know what? Let's take this to Tiktok. Let's see what we can do. So in my everyday life, I work for an organization that supports the arts and culture industry with things related to equality, diversity and inclusion and change making work. But when it comes to my Tiktok, what I'm interested in is discussing topics and areas that I think throw up roadblocks and barriers to authenticity and connection, and that's kind of really what it's all about. So I go in a lot of different directions, and it's a lot of fun. Well, I am excited about this conversation. Can I already tell you might be somebody that might be coming back for more conversations? Well, that's exciting. Yes, because, I mean, one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot lately is just kind of the way that we behave as a species online, which is a mirror of what we see in public spaces. But I think that it brings out behavior in some of us that while deeply human and definitely something we see in offline spaces, it's like it's much quicker to be brought out. And those of us that maybe wouldn't behave that way in an offline space, and I wanted to start with this Tiktok that you made where you talked about, basically, like bullying immoral people. And I don't know if somebody brought up a question or if it was just kind of on your mind, but you talked about, you know, is it right, or is it practical, or is it ethical, or is it functional to bully immoral people? So tell me kind of your thoughts on that.

    Ellie Rushton 3:02

    Yeah. So this originally came about because I made a Tiktok before that, where I was basically just exploring, why do we bully What is it inside us that makes us feel like it's okay to bully people sometimes? And I wasn't really talking about immoral people at that point. I was really just talking about bullying in general. And I came to this conclusion that, you know, we do feel either because we've learned, or maybe it's just a part of being human that we have the right to correct behavior which we think disrupts the social norm. And I was thinking about, you know, children and teenagers at that point, it's like if, uh, someone in your class behaves in a way which you've interpreted as abnormal, you feel like you have the right to correct that behavior. And sometimes people feel like bullying is the method by which they can do that.

    KC Davis 3:52

    And this is such an interesting starting point, though, especially with when we when we hear people talk about community, like, oh, we need to build a community. We need to build a community. And we talk about how community involves holding people accountable and calling people in or calling people out, right? But really talking about what that looks like, and in what ways is that practical and or ethical? In what ways is that maybe impractical or not ethical? Let's start with kind of like a what definition are you using for bullying? Because that it's that's a word that comes up a lot with, like, Hey, you're bullying me. So what would be your definition?

    Ellie Rushton 4:29

    Yeah, bullying is quite complicated. I actually used to teach primary school children about bullying, and the little phrase we used to use with them was several times on purpose, so it wasn't things that were just a one off. So sometimes you can be very mean to someone, but it's a one off. And it wasn't things that were by accident, but it was repeated and it was on purpose. And I think that is a fairly good model to base this on. But of course, bullying is quite a nuanced and complex thing, because sometimes you can do something as a one off, but you can. Contributing. You know, especially in online spaces, your one off might be contributing to a bigger thing that is very much several times

    KC Davis 5:07

    it might be a ripple effect. I think, particularly if you have a like a large platform, right? You say one thing, and then the ripple effect is several dozen or 100 people going to either say the same thing or do the same thing exactly,

    Ellie Rushton 5:22

    exactly. And so what I think is important to remember it is a repeated attack on that person, and it is for the sake of their suffering. It's not necessarily with a constructive purpose. People might convince themselves that it is, but the goal is to make them suffer.

    KC Davis 5:38

    I'm curious what your thoughts are when it comes to like, intention versus impact. Because one of the things that I have found interesting about existing in an online space is that we haven't really caught up to what happens on an online space when it comes to like, our definition of bullying, and what that looks like and feels like, because, you know, it used to be, let's think the plague yard right where we typically think about bullying. Typically, as you said, it's like repeatedly on purpose to cause suffering. And usually when we say repeated, we're talking about specifically repeated from the same person or from the same group of people that are kind of in on it. And one of the things, and we know how damaging to mental health bullying can be, but one of the things that's really interesting about being online is that you can experience the exact same recipient experience of bullying, even though the little attacks or the jabs or the comment whatever are coming from different people, so as a user, I might be saying a one off in a comment section. Oh, that's such an ugly dress or whatever, right? But if I'm one of 10,000 people saying the same thing, the experience of that person who made that video is no different than if one person had said it 10,000 times

    Ellie Rushton 7:09

    Exactly. And I do think it's useful to draw a comparison to children in the playground, because, you know, as you're speaking, just then, I was thinking about, well, what if there was scenario? What if there was a scenario where, you know, a child throws a pebble at another child, we wouldn't call that bullying, but if a child sees a group of children all throwing one pebble each at a child, and they decide to pick up a pebble and join in, then I think we would consider that bullying, right? Because they are aware that they are contributing to an act of bullying. There is something that is happening several times on purpose here. And so I think that when we're on online spaces, most of the time, when people adding to an onslaught of comments, they're doing so feeling buoyed up behind that onslaught of comments that's already there, and feeling like, Yes, I'm part of this big wave of people saying this thing, and they feel somewhat of a protection within that, and I think that it's something that we have to be extremely mindful of, especially because unlike on a playground where you know you've got 30 children who all know each other and have these relationships in online spaces, you just don't have those relationships with the people that You're interacting with, and it's so easy to go on one video, comment on it, and then forget that you've even done it, because you've now scrolled on to the next thing. And so, yeah, there's a heightened level of responsibility and awareness that I think we need to be thinking about.

    KC Davis 8:38

    And it's interesting that, you know, you could almost see a scenario in which a person is being bullied, and yet one person making one comment would not say, Oh, I'm bullying that person. I did one thing and I moved on. It wasn't repeated. It wasn't this. It wasn't that. One of the things that I have had to contend with as my platform gets bigger and bigger and bigger is like, what is my responsibility in terms of how people react to the way that I react to people? Because I've been known to make a snarky video or a clap back, or, you know, a reply video to someone that is being rude or mean or awful to me, and there's this interesting tension of like, I feel strongly that I am not morally obligated to, like, take it on the nose every single time, because it does rise sometimes to the effect of feeling bullied, especially when you know someone is intentionally being cruel to you. And so I've sort of constructed some of my own boundaries around this. And I'm curious your thoughts and genuinely curious. Like, if you're like, Casey, that's ridiculous, you can't do that anymore. But like, one of the things that I sort of see align with is, like, if I make a video talking about something or someone, or someone specifically, and. And people will make comments in my comment section, but when people then go to that person's page and start making comments in their comment section, for some reason, to me, that crosses a line, and I think it's because I feel as though, okay, if that person decides that they don't want to see what I've said, they can block me. And if they've decided that they don't want to get notifications about what we're all saying about their behavior in this comment section, they can delete their comment. They won't get those like they have an option to opt out of us reacting to their behavior. But if you go into their space on their other videos like you push them into this space where their only way to opt out is to completely shut down their own like online account, which, to me, gets a lot closer to bullying or a lot closer to suffering or like that's a pretty big ask for someone in A world where your online, you know, account is a real part of your life, and I don't know if, if that's like a good enough place to land, or, you know what I mean, or if that's a justification for why, like, I don't want to stop telling people that they're being assholes. I'm just curious your thoughts on that. And then I want to get into this sort of difference between, you know, what is holding someone accountable, versus bullying? Or what do we consider, you know, is a creator saying something and then going, but by the way, guys don't bother this person. Is that sufficient, you know? And at what point am, are you truly, really not responsible for every crazy on the internet? I say that with love. I'm a person who can be crazy sometimes.

    Ellie Rushton 11:39

    Yeah, and it's a big question. And, you know, just to give a bit of context for the listeners, I'm very new at Tiktok, you know, I'm currently sitting just under that threshold of 10,000 followers, whether I might be able to start making a couple of quid a month, you know. So I, you know, I'm very much still figuring this out, and I think that it's challenging, because we can ultimately really only take responsibility for ourselves, but when we are in online spaces, we do also have to consider what the ripple effect might be, right? You know, certainly it's funny, since I started making videos, I basically never comment on other videos. Now I only ever do so to say something positive, because I'm really uninterested in getting dragged into other creators drama. I'm dragging myself by putting a comment. You know, that would be my own doing. And similarly, if people sometimes tag me in other people's videos and they want me to make a comment or make a response, I tend to ignore that. And for me personally, and I'm not saying that this is the correct solution, but for me personally, I think I have shied away from stitches or from doing discourse on top of discourse on top of discourse within tick tock, because, within tick tock, because it can get a little bit insular, right and and so I kind of try and challenge myself where, if I've seen a tiktoker Make a Tiktok about something that I disagree with, well, can I make my own Tiktok about those ideas without actually involving that person at all? Is that more valuable for me to do rather than being like, look at this person. Aren't they terrible? But of course, all of this is contextual, because it sort of depends exactly what we're talking about. You know, are we talking about someone who has got online and said something that I disagree with, or are we talking about someone who's got online and advocated for war crimes? You know, there's

    KC Davis 13:42

    like an ascend ascending level of, you know, okay, is there a need to sort of directly talk about this person is doing something dangerous, so this person is doing something dishonest, or this specific person needs to be addressed directly? But, of course, the interesting thing there is that not everyone is going to agree with where you draw those lines, so then you end up in those arguments. Yeah, yeah. Because as my platform has gotten bigger, you know, I've gone from stitching people to oftentimes, what I'll do now, especially if I don't think it's someone that like is necessarily doing anything dangerous, I just have some like, social commentary or whatever. Is that I started just showing a clip of the video, and then I ended up showing a clip of the video and blacking out the username. And then I showed the clip of the video black out the username and the fate like, because every single time it would just like, spin into this huge thing, and the actual commentary of what you're trying to say gets lost. And so, you know, I have a friend that literally will put it in the background and stand in front of so that you can't say anything about that person except for what they're saying, so she could address what they're saying. But I'm curious, in an online space when it comes to, like, quote, unquote accountability, and you know, you talk about the definition of bullying specifically being to cause suffering. Where you sort of draw that line between, you know, calling out behavior versus causing suffering,

    Ellie Rushton 15:08

    yes. So the place where I sort of came to a few different tiktoks, I mean, a few different tiktoks on this topic, and the place that I kind of came to, that I landed on, was that I am not entitled to pursue the suffering of others, but I am entitled to other things which may cause suffering to others. So I am entitled to pursue my own safety, which means, you know, I may act in self defense in a way that causes suffering, and I am entitled to stand up for what I believe in, which very much does involve calling out people's ideas and calling people in. And, you know, I see no problem with saying something like this person's values disgust me, or I'm disgusted by this person's values. I don't see a problem with that, because that is me standing up for what I believe in, and sharing my perspective. But I'm not pursuing their suffering for the sake of their suffering. I'm trying actually to pursue something that I think is morally good and right, and I think it's in the pursuit of what we believe is a moral ought that sometimes suffering is an inevitability, but I think that, you know, I am entitled to pursue those things, and I'm not entitled to just pursue someone's suffering for the sake of suffering. Where this gets complicated is that, you know, a lot of people do believe that, in quotes, bad people deserve to suffer, and therefore believe that it is a moral ought. But what I spoke about in my Tiktok is that the guiding principle of bad people deserve to suffer, and I am entitled to pursue their suffering is at the root of most systems of inequality and most systems of oppression. Whereas I think my guiding principle of I am not entitled to pursue the suffering of others is at the root of what I would like the world to be like, which is that, you know, people do pursue what they believe is morally right, but they don't pursue suffering for the sake of suffering, and they don't believe that because they have categorized someone as beneath them, for whatever reason. You know, perhaps it is because of sexism and racism, or perhaps it's because of, you know, they see them as a bad person in quotes. But you know, I don't think that we can ever hold the belief that we can pursue the suffering of people we see is beneath us, and that not leads to an extremely destructive place.

    KC Davis 17:44

    Yeah, it seems to me like it's not necessarily a fault of the ideal, as much as it's a reality of human beings, like, if we were to say immoral people deserve to be, you know, for bad things to happen to them, I don't know. And we truly were like to give examples, right, like of the worst people we could think nobody would disagree, like, you know, but the issue is, is that I don't want to construct a society where I could be cast as someone's immoral, beyond, beneath, you know, deserving of whatever, just because of their judgment. I mean, that's really the issue, right, like, and I think I sometimes think this way of like the death penalty. The reason that I am so anti death penalty isn't necessarily that I don't think there are people that deserve to die, or that there are people who have done things so horrendous and are such a danger to society. Society wouldn't be better if they were not alive. It's that the pursuit and the execution of that ideal in the hands of people, it's like impossible to carry that out in a just, consistent way, and we will end up causing more injustice than we could have solved if we try.

    Ellie Rushton 19:14

    Yeah, exactly. It's so complicated, isn't it, because you're exactly right that if you name you know, the worst people that we can imagine, I have exactly the same emotional response of, you know, fear and disgust and rage. And you know, I'm not, I wouldn't shed a tear if they were to suffer, right? But I'm just a person, and I can also be aware that, you know, my feelings about what is good and bad are from the perspective of just being this, like you say, this little ball of sentient Stardust, right? And I can't, for that reason. I can't really get on board with the idea of objective morality, the idea that there. Are objectively good people and bad people. I can't really sort people into categories like that in my mind. And again, it's not because I don't have that emotional response, but it's because that if you decide that someone is a bad person, then that raises the question of, well, how is badness measured? And who decides what the measurement is, you know, what is the percentage of bad things they need to have done in order to qualify as a bad person? You know? It raises all these difficult questions, and

    KC Davis 20:33

    I can't give myself the right to do that without giving strangers the right to do that to me too. You know what I mean? I can't say, Well, I'm the only one that gets to utilize that judgment without saying that everybody else also gets to utilize that judgment. I want to go back to those two statements that you made, where you said, you know, I don't have the right to pursue the suffering of someone else, but I also don't have the obligation to always avoid the suffering of someone else. I think you said it slightly differently, but it was those two principles, and that's the first Tiktok that I stumbled upon, that I really latched onto, because I'm in the middle of finishing up my second book, which is on relationships, and a large portion of the book is about what do you do when someone's best is hurting you? So they are doing their best and it is hurting you. It is damaging you. And a good part of the book is about relationships, and it's about dealing with this idea of, okay, there are people out there who are bad actors, and it's important to how do you deal with someone's a bad actor? And then there are people out there that are not bad actors, but because of their own psychology and decisions and trauma and disabilities and hurts and harms like are causing hurt in and harm in your life. And what are your responsibilities to that person depending on the relationship and and at what point do you say, you know, the harm is too harmful. And it struck me in a conversation about boundaries, that those two sort of guiding boundaries are really powerful in the way they intersect and the way that we treat the people around us, that we are not entitled to cause the suffering of other people, and we are not obligated to always avoid the suffering of other people. And it really beautifully melded what I think is kind of those two polar things that we as humans struggle with, which is like the people pleasing in us, of, Oh, I feel bad if I make them feel bad, right? And then also, like the vengefulness of us, which is like, if you hurt me, everything's game, or if you do something I think is wrong, everything's game. You know, my fear and anger justify cruelty. You know, bad behavior justifies cruelty, because those are kind of the two polar opposites. And you know, when we're talking to one side or the other, it sounds like we're just telling them to go to the other side. And it's like, well, no, you don't have to just right? And so I wanted to kind of just talk about those two principles as they relate to interpersonal and maybe give us some examples of each and how that would come up. Yeah,

    Ellie Rushton 23:23

    well, this is a really great topic to talk about it through. And you know, as I'm sure is the case for many people who you talk to, you know, there is a personal element of that for me, you know, I have been in a relationship where I needed to get out and, you know. So the specific words, and I am a bit of a nerd for specificity of language, and the specific words that I landed on was I am not entitled to pursue the suffering of others. And I landed on pursue rather than cause. In the end, because it was really about that intention, you know. And that's the thing, you know, you asked about intention versus impact earlier. And you know, a lot of the discourse when we're thinking about equality, diversity and inclusion is, you know, we really need to focus more on impact rather than intent, because we're over focusing on intent. But of course, really, it is a balancing act, ultimately, and I really do believe that I am not entitled to pursue the suffering of someone else for my own satisfaction, because I think that way,

    KC Davis 24:24

    yeah, pursue is very active, right? Like pursue is ongoing, also it's not I did a one time thing, and oops, I just realized it caused suffering. Pursue is that if I did a one time, it's like, it not only has an active component, but the active component is the intention of suffering like I am doing this so that this person will suffer, yeah,

    Ellie Rushton 24:45

    and so I landed on that phrase, but at the same time, I am entitled to pursue my own safety. I'm entitled to pursue the safety of other people as part of, you know, being a human being in community, and I'm entitled to. Stand up for what I believe in. And we have to be able to do that in relationships. You know, we have to be able to pursue our own safety and stand up for ourselves and stand up for the fact that, no, it's, it's not acceptable for you to treat me this way. And you know, maybe okay now I have to take myself out of this relationship, and that is going to cause you suffering, because, despite the way you treat me, you do love me, and you are attached to me, and I know that me leaving is going to have a devastating impact on you. You know, I knew that when I was leaving a relationship was that it was going to have a devastating impact. And you know, I cared about him deeply, but I had to pursue my I'm not going to say safety in this particular context, because I don't feel I was unsafe, exactly. But I had to pursue my emotional liberation, and I had to pursue my happiness, and I had to pursue my health, and by having this guiding principle of I'm not entitled to pursue the suffering of others that kept me in check, that stopped me from, you know, seeking any kind of revenge or trying to make becoming attached to the idea of making his life difficult in the way that he'd made life my life difficult. You know, that guiding principle kept me in check and kept me away from that, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

    KC Davis 26:21

    Yeah, I think the way that I put it in my book was I talked about how, like, love can never be unconditional, because the condition is always my own well being my own survival. And actually, I think the way I specifically put it was that my love can be unconditional, but my relationships are not like I can love you even if I'm not in a relationship with you, and I can love you at a distance, and I can love you, and I can want good things for you, and I can forgive you or feel compassion for you. So my love can be unconditional, but a relationship with me, even with the people that I love unconditionally, will never be unconditional, because the condition is my own survival and my own well being, and because I used to work in addiction, this is a fascinating thing to me, because I talked one time about doing addiction work with families, where you have families who are you're trying to get them to talk to their loved one about the impact of their behavior. And once again, you kind of have a couple of extremes that you would often find family members fall on sides of you. Have the ones that want to say, you know, you have been the worst child in the world, and you have ruined our lives, and you are so selfish and lazy and you stole from us and right, like that kind of where I would constitute that as speaking in cruelty. And then you have the opposite, which is the family members that would be like, listen, I know that you stole my grandmother's ring because you were hurting. And I get it, honey, I get it like, I know that that is not I know that you are not your addiction, and that you really couldn't help it. And I that type of communication I call delicate. So you have people that communicate cruelly, and you have people that communicate delicately, and the goal was always to teach people how to speak the truth with kindness. And so I think that's why your Tiktok resonated so much with me. Because when you have people that speak cruelly, yes, they're having emotions, yes, they might be speaking honestly, but they are purposefully pursuing the pain and suffering of the person that hears it. And typically, sometimes it's from an anger I just want you to hurt. But more often than that, it's from a if I can just get through to you, right, if I can say something so powerful and so hurtful that it will get through to you and you will feel it. That will make you want to change, that will make you wake up and see how you're hurting everyone around you. Doesn't work ever. It just causes that person to fold up into shame and to run right back to substances. And then you have the person who's always speaking delicately, and they're always thinking about and really it's both of these people are more concerned with how this person is going to feel than just speaking the truth, right? And so the delicate people are always thinking, well, if I hurt their feelings, if I make them sad, if they have negative emotions, then they're just gonna run off and go use again. You know, I have to make sure that they never experience anything that upsets them and anything that makes them sad and like, I just love them unconditionally, and that also never works. That's how people get walked all over. That's how people get manipulated. That's how people end up. It's like, when you're almost, like, helping them continue to self destruct, that's when you get into people we talk about, like, enabling both of them are in the same situation. It's, I really think that if I can control your emotions, I can control your behavior, and so we talk about like, what would it look like for you to say you stole my grandmother's ring and it destroyed me. I don't know if I can ever trust you again, because that's how deeply this wounded me. And I don't know who you are. I feel. Like the person I used to love, I don't know where they went, and speaking about your own emotional truth, and you are going to say some things that that person will feel hurt by, that will cause them pain. But there's a difference, as you said, between pursuing that pain and saying, I don't have to avoid you feeling any pain. That's why I really resonated with you making those distinctions, because that's kind of who I always dealt with on the polar opposite ends, right? Yeah, you

    Ellie Rushton 30:27

    know what's interesting is, I think that so many people are afraid of compassion, afraid of embodying compassion, because they their compassion has spiraled towards that delicacy for them in the past, and they exactly. They think of compassion as permissiveness. You know what? On one video I made someone, I spoke about compassion, and they interpreted it as pleasantness, which is a very different, very different thing. And I think that people are very afraid of embodying compassion. And you know, for me, I see compassion as, quite simply, the refusal to deny someone's humanity and always holding that person's humanity no matter what they've done, no matter what the situation is between you two, still always honoring the fact that this is a human being who I do have some moral obligation towards, right? And that doesn't mean being nice, that doesn't mean being permissive, and it doesn't mean being delicate, but so many people are afraid of being taken advantage if they embody compassion. I see compassion as a position of great strength and integrity. And, you know, relating it back to the relationship situation we were talking about, you know, I consider the moment I left that relationship to be the moment that I fully accepted him as a human being, and accepted that I cannot force him to change. And therefore, if I accept that this is who he is, then I accept that the only action I can take is to leave. That is actually the compassionate thing that I can do in this moment. And I think that you know, when it comes to online spaces and bullying immoral people. You know, you had that excellent point there about, you know, I believe I can change their behavior by changing their emotions. And of course, I can totally understand why people would believe that. Because, of course, yes, our emotions drive our behavior. We all know this. And so, you know, why wouldn't we think, Oh yeah, that's a good tactic. But in my experience with online spaces, it's not effective anyway, because there's always going to be other, lots of other voices in the room, and frankly, this person doesn't actually know you. You know and you're not willing to be vulnerable with them. You're not willing to say, this is how I am impacted by what you've said. Instead, you're going you're attacking them. And I do think that if we were able to cultivate, and I have no idea if this is possible, but who knows, maybe in the future of the Internet, we can cultivate a culture where what it looks like for a mass of people to take to, you know, call on someone to take accountability is for them to actually be able to be vulnerable in the way that you just described, and say, you know, this is how your words impact me, And I want you to know that and be willing to let that be enough. And I have this whole life philosophy that everything is facilitation, right? And so when you're facilitating a situation, you're putting out your offer, but you are aware that you cannot control the outcome, and you have to be unattached to the outcome. And so, you know, could we ever cultivate a culture where we show up to the internet with that level of integrity, that level of compassion and actually just being willing to put out what we need, to put out how we've been impacted, or, you know what our view and perspective of that thing is, and allow whatever journey happens to happen, rather than trying to do it through that. Oh, I can control how this person feels, and I can make them change their behavior, yeah,

    KC Davis 34:29

    because that's really what boundaries is. And one of my biggest Eves when it comes to commenters that want to quote, unquote, call things out, is that, you know, like when I show up to give someone information, this is kind of like one of my personal boundaries, is that, like, if I'm gonna, quote, unquote, call somebody out, call somebody in, give somebody information about how I find their behavior either affects me negatively or sidesteps what I believe their own bound, what their own values to be. You know, if I have a relationship. With them, or what I think value should be if I don't have a close relationship with that person, right? So we're just talking to kind of people on the internet, mutuals, things like that. I get to say it once, like, that's it. I say, I don't like this. I think this is wrong. I think you're off here. I think this. That's it. My job is done. I have given the information on the platter. What is not my job and what goes beyond boundaries is okay. They didn't react to that the way I thought they should. So I'm gonna go to another video and say it again, and another video and say it again, and I'm gonna make multiple videos over and over and over about how they're not listening. See they're not listening. And let's whip up the frenzy of how we should all now punish them for not listening. And I don't mean that you know anyone who's making commentary on a public you know creator is wrong, but it really grinds my gears when I get a commenter that'll say, hey, you know, here's my opinion on something you did. Great. I see it, and then they come back to another video. Are we going to talk about this? Are we going to talk about this? You've done this, you've done this. And it's, first of all, it's this. Like, okay, please understand that you're not my friend. You're like, one in a million. There are a million opinions on something I have done or said. And I actually had a situation recently where I made a video and somebody commented and said, Hey, like, this is bad, this is wrong. This is a stupid take. And separately, I had a mutual make, a video, a friends only video, and say, Hey, Casey, I think this was a wrong take, and I was kind of hurt by it. And I, you know, responded to her and was like, hey, fair, I trust your insight on this. I'm gonna take it down. That's whatever. But what was funny is that other commenter continued to come into my comment section of my other videos and go, are we not going to talk about it? Are you not going to take accountability? Are you not going to it? Was like, dude, you've said it. I get it. Like you've done your part, continuing to move on to, I have to force you to have this conversation with me personally is like, beyond breaking boundaries, particularly with the awareness of like, you're a commenter in a comment section, not somebody who kind of knows you, but even people that I know, a mutuals, or somebody that I call out, like that's to me, that's a very clear boundary where I say it, I'm not responsible for whether you change.

    Ellie Rushton 37:21

    Yeah, and you know, something that I think is important to consider in all of that is that people are very, very invested in the idea that there are good people and bad people in the world, and the idea of that binary, to the extent that which, if I say that I don't buy into that binary, people will only hear that I won't label people as bad. They think that I think everyone's good, when actually, no, I'm rejecting the binary entirely, right? And it's so funny, though, because then they will list out examples of who they think I should label as a bad person. They will never list out examples of people who I should label as a good person, right? And what that tells me is that people are measuring their goodness by through how they respond to what they perceive as bad, right? And so this person in your comment section. You know, she's perceived something that she feels is bad, and she feels that her job as a in quotes, good person, is to keep responding to it in that way and to pursue, pursue, pursue, pursue retribution, pursue revenge, even. And it's funny, I was talking to my husband about this before we got on the call, and my husband is one of my greatest inspirations in life, and he was a he said something really interesting. He said retribution and revenge is narratively satisfying, that's why we pursue it. But we're pursuing it for satisfaction and to satisfy our egos and to satisfy the idea that we're a good person, and we get so caught up in that that we're not actually doing the steady work of what we might consider to be goodness, right, which isn't about how we respond to things that are bad necessarily. It's actually about creating the energy of the things that we perceive as good. And I think that in online spaces, there's very little of that going on in comparison to the, you know, the process of, you know, discovering wrongs that can be righted. That's what people are very interested in online

    KC Davis 39:39

    I'm thinking back to, you know, the way that I respond when people are purposely cruel. And I will say, I think I probably, I mean, I let, like, probably 85% of it go, right? You go, oh, that, wow, right. And then you just kind of like, or like, I personally kind of hit my limit before I'm like, hi, you know. Need to go f off. And I do have an internal sense of boundaries when I do that. I don't I've never, like, explicitly said them out loud online or any of that. But like, I think people will find like, I specifically do think about holding that person's dignity. Like, I don't talk about what they look like or what they you know, their identities, or any of that, right? I've been known to be snarky and sarcastic and probably insulting at times. And when somebody, one time asked me, like, I thought that you were such a compassionate person, like, why do you sometimes respond this way to people? And I said to them, you know, I do feel like I'm like, try my best to be compassionate and at the same time, like I would, like, insulting me to be an uncomfortable experience for you. Like, I'm not necessarily interested in, like, you know, pursuing your suffering, but like, I'm really comfortable with, like, my reaction to your purposeful attempt to wound me, to be uncomfortable for you. Like, to not be a fun time for you. And it is something that I have to, like, keep a constant check on, and sometimes make the decision to just like, you know, I probably just need to, like, step back for a few days or a week from even just interacting on the internet to like, to feel as though I can operate in a space where I'm not, like I'm not, never defending myself, and I'm not, you know, grasping at just trying to stroke my ego, as in response to feeling really hurt, because, like that Dance is really difficult, but that is also really helped me in person, like, if someone is really awful to me, it's easy for me to be like, Okay, let me just smooth it over. Let me just like, as opposed to, in my I had an old therapist that used to call it return awkward to sender. Where, like, if someone makes an inappropriate comment and you it, you feel awkward, so you're trying to, like, kind of cover it up or or not draw attention to it. And she was the one that taught me, like you're not the one that made an inappropriate comment. So it is not your labor to make it not awkward. That's their labor to deal with the awkwardness, right? And so you should respond honestly and authentically, without fear of, oh, they might have to deal with the awkwardness of their inappropriate comment, right? Or, you know, and it could be as simple as, you know, someone saying something to you that is insulting, but they're trying to, like, kind of laugh it off, like, oh, it's, it's funny to say things like that. And, you know, instead of going, Why would you say that? Or like, wow, that was rude. And so it's not like we're saying, you know, tell them to, you know, fall off the face of the earth or something. But we have this fear sometimes of like, forcing or creating, like, I'm not going to take on the labor of the moment you just created. Yeah,

    Ellie Rushton 43:01

    yeah, a phrase I really like is, I don't know why you think I'm a person you can say that to. Or I don't know why you think I'm a safe space for that kind of comment. You know, if someone's making a derogatory comment about someone else, for example, or just, you know, I don't know why you think it was okay to say that to me. You know, I think that, like, again, like it's pursuing, it's that pursuit of standing up for what I believe in. And yeah, of course, people are going to feel uncomfortable, but you know, if I wanted to make them feel uncomfortable, there's a lot of different ways I could do that, right? But if I am just willing, if I'm willing to hold space for their discomfort. Essentially, if I'm willing to create an uncomfortable environment in the process of pursuing, you know, what I know to be right, then that's, that's a very different, a different thing. And I think it's just, it's what keeps us accountable. You know, I've said in another video, actually, that the way that I hold other people accountable is by holding myself accountable. And I really try, and I'm not perfect, but I try and use that I language, you know, you know, starting the sentence with I and offering them a window into what I am perceiving and what I am experiencing, and then letting that be the information on which they then make their next decision, right? And it's up to them what they take from that. You know, I try and do that because I see that as a process of holding myself accountable. If someone says something that I, you know, feel insulted by, then I do have an accountability there. There's a process of holding myself accountable in that moment and modeling to them that behavior, rather than trying to make them behave that way. If I'm trying to teach someone the lesson or impart the lesson that it is not okay to treat people like that, then obviously I can't mirror their behavior, because that would be ridiculous. And so sometimes people in my comments who are like, Oh, well, an eye for an eye. Me, it's kind of like, you know, I really do believe that I should be modeling the behavior that I want to see in others as much as possible. And again, that doesn't have to mean that I'm treating everyone's feelings really preciously and making sure that no one ever feels uncomfortable. It just means, you know, holding myself to a high standard and showing the people this is the standard I hold myself to, and therefore that's the standard I'm going to hold you to as well. Yeah, the

    KC Davis 45:26

    phrase, you know, an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind is what comes

    Ellie Rushton 45:30

    to mind. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Well,

    KC Davis 45:35

    Ellie, this has been an excellent conversation, and super helpful and beneficial, and I really appreciate it. Where can people find you online if they want to follow you,

    Ellie Rushton 45:43

    so you can find me on Tiktok, and my handle is cultivating old spaces. Thank

    KC Davis 45:48

    you again. Ellie,

    Ellie Rushton 45:50

    thank you.

Christy Haussler
108: BEST OF: The Sex Ed You Should Have Gotten with Rachel Coler Mulholland

🌟 Taking a Break! 🌟

Hey everyone! I am taking a short break for August to recharge and prepare exciting new content for you. I’ll be back in September with fresh episodes and engaging conversations. Thanks for your support and patience. Stay tuned for what’s coming next!

Today, we are covering an important topic today, but maybe not in the way you expect. I’m joined by Rachel Mulholland (aka Shug CM), a therapist whom I met on TikTok because of her incredible content around sex education for children. Today’s focus is on how our lives as adults are impacted if we don’t get comprehensive sex education as children. Join us for the conversation!

Show Highlights:

  • How KC’s story from her teenage years illustrates the gaps that most people have in their education about sex and the fact that sex ed is NOT a one-time conversation

  • How “purity culture” is impacting teenagers in certain places in the US in damaging ways

  • How even most comprehensive sex ed doesn’t address the pleasurable side of sex–and (for females) that the pleasure doesn’t have to come from another person

  • How sexual predators take advantage of the lack of information in sex ed from SAFE places

  • Why parents have real fear about talking to their kids about sex ed

  • The effects of NOT educating kids that sex and pleasure don’t always go together

  • Rachel’s Four Pillars of Safe Sex: confirmation, communication, lubrication, and enthusiastic participation

  • Why parents should be aware when their kids are ready to hear and learn–and begin at the most basic level appropriate for their age

  • How to answer those first little-kid questions around, “Where do babies come from?”

  • Why curiosity is a foundational part of body talk for kids–not just around sexuality

  • How parents can work through their own feelings around sex ed with their children

  • Why Rachel’s next project is a book about body talk

Resources:

Connect with Rachel: TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and Website (coming soon!)

Recommended by Rachel: How Do You Make A Baby by Anna Fiske

Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website 

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello. Sentient ball of stardust Welcome to Struggle care the podcast about mental health by me KC Davis, eventually I'll have a tagline that sticks also, by the way, I somebody told me, like way early on, that I don't pronounce sentient correctly. And I looked it up and they were correct. So apparently the American pronunciation is sentient. I guess the British still say sentient. But I just want, dear listener, you to know that I am totally 100% aware that I don't pronounce it at the correct us pronunciation, and I will not be. I think it sounds weird, and I will not I want to stick with sentient. My guest today is Rachel, who is a therapist. I met her on Tiktok because she makes really incredible content about sex education for children. And before you swipe away if you're not a parent, we're only going to talk about parenting stuff at the very end, because I want to talk more about what the effect is as adults when we don't get comprehensive sex education. So Rachel, say hello, introduce yourself.

    Rachel 1:04

    Hi everybody. I'm Rachel. You might also know me as Shug from Tiktok. So Rachel,

    KC Davis 1:09

    I want to start by telling you a story. Alright, let's hear it. So by the way, Mom and Dad, you may not want to hear the story, but whatever my I don't remember sex education in school at all. No recollection of it. I do remember my mother, which I thought she did a good job. She sat down when I was in early grade school and explained to me how babies were made, and she drew the ovaries and the uterus and, you know, the vaginal canal, and she talked about the sperm going up through the vet the vaginal canal and meeting the egg and it coming down, like she get, she drew it out the whole picture, and that's what I remember. And at the time, and for a long time, I thought, like, wow, like, my mom really, like, did so much more than school did. And then fast forward, I was 16 years old, and I lost my virginity in the backseat of a minivan at like, 3am it was very romantic. And the next day. So I'm talking like 29 hours later, I was with my friend, who, incidentally, was that person's younger sister, and I went to the bathroom, and I sat down on the toilet, and this gush of blood came out, and it was not period blood, right? Like it was watery. It was a gush, and I panicked, and I called a friend, obviously not their friend, whose house I was at, because I just slept with her brother. And I said to her, this is embarrassing to this day, I said I had sex and I think I got pregnant and just had a miscarriage, because at 16 years old, that was I didn't know anything else except for those mechanics of like the sperm meets the egg, and that's what happens. It's so funny to me to this day of poor little 16 year old thinking that 24 hours later I had gotten pregnant and then had a bloody miscarriage, because I had no idea what happened. I know today that I must have had a hymen that broke like hours later, and a little bit of blood came out. But I just wanted to share that with you and maybe use that as a jumping off point for how what we think is really comprehensive is not that comprehensive, well. And you touched

    Rachel 3:11

    on a really important theme. We've touched on several, actually, and the biggest one is that this is not a one time conversation, right? So many of us can point back to that one time we had the talk, right? I will never forget mine was sitting on the front step with my dad, because for some reason I was much more comfortable talking about that kind of stuff with my dad, and he was, you know, going to have the talk with me. And was like, Well, you know, when this, and I pretty sure, blacked out, because I don't remember a single thing he said. And then after that, it was like it was never talked about again, and there was never any discussion about the interpersonal part of it, which is another thing you're talking about, right? Like the fact that you felt like you had to hide the fact that you've had sex from this one friend. Like, we never discuss the consent piece, the interpersonal piece, the timeline. We put so much pressure, right? You made an off the cuff remark about how, you know, oh, how romantic. In the backseat of event, like, there's so much pressure on the first time, right? There's so many themes that you've touched on. But the biggest one here that we should probably discuss is this idea that, like, you have the talk about the mechanics, then you never discuss it again, and you'll just figure it out. And from an adult perspective, right? You're wanting to talk about how this impacts as adults, that's the piece, right? Because we spend so much of our early adulthood fumbling around and trying to find this information through trial and error and through misinformation of our friends, trial and errors, and that's one of the biggest negative impacts you can have about not getting comprehensive sex ed. And

    KC Davis 4:37

    I even think about fast forwarding to being in my late 20s, I was married, and we were trying to have a baby. We were trying to conceive, and we were having fertility issues, and so that drove me and my little ADHD brain into this, like hyper focus of learning about how conception really happens, and learning that you're only fertile, like four or five days. Days out of the month, and that it happens at this time, and it takes this many days for and I remember being like I was never taught any of this. I had to learn what fertility meant. And my husband and I kind of joked about how our whole, like teenage and early 20s years was spent really thinking that, like getting pregnant was so easy that, like we had to constantly be terrified about it, only to find that, like it's actually kind of hard for some people, and feeling very like no one prepared us for this, I can't believe we didn't know this. And it also makes me think about how, you know, I am someone who considers themselves sort of what we call an ex evangelical. So I still am in sort of a progressive Protestant Christian faith, but I talk a lot with friends about what the effect of purity culture has on us like so if listeners aren't familiar, like in the US church, particularly in the south, there's this real emphasis on sexual purity. It's particularly only for women, really. And there's a lot of conversations about how damaging that is, and that's sort of a conversation for another day. But what I think is so interesting is that even those of us who would not consider ourselves as growing up in purity culture, there's still this like, well, this is not something I can talk to my parents about. And the conversations that my mom had with me about sex were about mechanics. And I was sort of given this impression that it's okay to ask about mechanics, it's okay to learn about mechanics, but when it came to pleasure, that's not okay to know, like to learn about, that you just have to that's

    Rachel 6:48

    not even the thing we talk about, yeah, like ever even once you're sexually active, like it is a recent development that even adult people talk to each other about, not just Like, whether it was good or bad, but like, this was an enjoyable thing. I'm doing this because it's an enjoyable thing. I don't want to have children, you know, they're like, that's a recent development in the way that we talk about sex,

    KC Davis 7:12

    and I think it really does create even if you're not growing up in sort of a religious context that shame culture around your body and your pleasure and the way that your body works. And it's wild to me that we can know so much and learn so much about our bodies, and that somehow everything below the waist and above the knees, it has to be like mysterious.

    Rachel 7:35

    What's really interesting, too, when you talk about the concept of pleasure, and the way that we introduce that idea is like, even if you have the comprehensive discussion like this is between two people who are really into each other, and it does feel good. We also leave out the idea that, like, the pleasure doesn't come from the other person. The pleasure is innate in you, and the pleasure is something that you can do for yourself, and we especially fail to do that for little for people who are born with uteruses and vulvas and vaginas, like we don't talk about that. It's like, ingrained in the culture to acknowledge that people with penises are just going to explore themselves. But we never, like, we don't touch on that subject for people who are born with vaginas ever and so like, even again, even if you have the conversation about pleasure, even if you were lucky enough to have a parent who was comprehensive enough to say, Well, yeah, you know, you can have sex without having babies, because it feels good. We don't like that gives the that gives children, and then again, young adults that the idea that the pleasure comes from the other person, it has to be initiated by the other person. It has to be created and serviced and maintained by the other person. It

    KC Davis 8:41

    totally reminds me of another funny thing, which is that I remember being young, and I'm talking like I must have been like a toddler, like I was sleeping with a stuffed animal, and I had just discovered masturbation, and I was in bed with my mother. I mean, that's how young I was right. And my mom was like, What do you wear on vacation or something? She's like, What are you doing? Why? Like, what are you moving around? And I was like, I'm touching myself here. And she just kind of rolled over and looked at me and went, Okay, well, that's something that you do in private. And then, like, rolled over and went to sleep. And so, like, my mom really did have, especially, think, for the when I was growing up, like a pretty open matter of fact, non shaming conversation or like attitude about it. And yet, fast forward, like around that time or a year later, I remember listening to that Christmas song where it's like, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pow. I'm telling you why. Listen, this is how young I was. I didn't know what the word pout meant, and for some reason, I decided in my head, I think that means what I'm doing when I touch myself. I think that must be what pouting is, and Santa doesn't want me to do that. And I remember getting really frightened. Yeah, so it's just so funny to me to like, have what I've always considered like a parent with kind of progressive, open ideas about that, and yet, culturally, still having these, like, formative memories about being like, wait, I shouldn't do that. And I think here's my question, really, is that I think when we talk about, Hey, kids need comprehensive sex ed, and we talk about like, they need to understand how sex works mechanically. I think a lot of people are totally down with that, like, yes, they need to understand. But even the most progressive people that I know, when you start talking about, talking about children, about pleasure, all of the sudden we are so uncomfortable, is that something that you've experienced,

    Rachel 10:45

    Oh, absolutely. One of the very first videos that I had kind of blow up really big was when I proposed that we should not only encourage our young people to explore their own bodies, but that we should encourage them to explore their own bodies as a way to keep them safe, because if you understand how your body works and what your body likes and what your body needs, and you know that that's okay, and you can focus on yourself, and you can say, I'm not really down to explore your body yet, because I'm really still learning about my own that's a safeguard for them. That's a way for them to say, you know, I know that I'm not really all the way sure about how my own body works, so like, let's not go there yet, right? A lot of the ways that predators leverage their power against children is by giving them information that they haven't gotten from somewhere safe. So they start with answering questions for them that the kids have been told they can't answer, you know, they can't ask, or they don't feel comfortable asking their caregivers. And, you know, it's pretty nonchalant. It's pretty non threatening. And then it escalates. And then it goes from answering questions to offering information, and that information is where we start to, you know, get into the dangerous stuff. And when they offer that information. Like, hey, if you do this, it feels good. And you know, I won't tell even you know it's okay to feel that. Like, can you hear like, how that becomes a way for this person to not only gain their trust and their confidence, but to then prepare them to move into things that is absolutely not okay. Whereas, if we take a kid and we say, You know what, you're absolutely allowed to explore your body, and you're going to find spots that feel really good to touch, and you can go in your bedroom, or you can go in the bathroom, and you can do those things with clean hands by yourself, that's totally okay. You're allowed to explore your body, and you should explore your body and find out the things that you like, and when you're older and when you're ready and you're done, exploring your body, and you understand it and you know it, then when you're bigger, you can start to explore it with other people who are safe,

    KC Davis 12:50

    yeah, because it really it deals in the the sort of like it is dealing in the trait of pleasure. Because we're told pleasure is sort of a taboo subject to talk about. And so when there's this person who's going to talk to you about pleasure, and it's the only person that will, and I mean, that's certainly how there's a reason why trust and credibility is so easily offered to teachers, because people that teach you things right, like, that's honestly even I have never thought of it that way. Because even though I agree, I still feel those feelings of, like, really, talk to my four year old about how it feels good, really, like, talk to my 678, year old. And I'm trying even to identify, like, what is my fear, right? And so that's kind of what I want to talk about next. And but I want to pause just for a second, and then we'll come right back. Okay? We're back with Rachel, who's a therapist that talks about, basically, BodyTalk sex ed. What is the effect that not getting sex ed has on us as adults? How should we talk to kids about sex? And so I wanted to come back to this point about how you said that not only talking about the mechanics, but about pleasure, and how that's actually a safeguard, because I think that something in me, My gut feeling feels the opposite. I feel like it's like, scary or dangerous, or like I might accidentally open something up that's like, not going to be good for my kids. Like, where does that come from? Well,

    Rachel 14:13

    I think that's, you know, touching back into the idea of purity culture, right? We're steeped in the US, in this idea that sex and pleasure are intricately interwoven. There we go, inextricably tied, right? They're stuck together. There is no separation. How

    KC Davis 14:28

    is that easier for you to say,

    Rachel 14:32

    Listen, my ADHD brain works one way. I can't explain it. It's just how it's gonna go.

    KC Davis 14:37

    That's amazing. Okay, so it's tied in an untieable way,

    Rachel 14:40

    exactly. You can't take them apart from each other, which is, of course, not true, like I said before, to what I miss the to what sex and pleasure? Yes, okay, they have to come together, right? There's that idea that sex is the only way to be pleasurable, and because sex is an adult thing, that means pleasure is an adult thing. It's. Not for young children. It's not for people growing up, even though it's literally your biology.

    KC Davis 15:05

    And I'm having like such an epiphany moment right now, because when I think about my first sexual experiences, they were not pleasurable, and I thought that was normal. I thought that was fine, like the effect of no one talking to me about sex and pleasure being inextricably linked meant that my first sexual experience as a, I guess, a preschooler, where the little boy wanted me to go under the table and say, I'll show me yours if you show me mine. And nothing about that was enjoyable. In fact, I was uncomfortable, but I just kind of let him do it, and it was a peer, right? And then moving forward, right? Like when the first time that I gave oral sex, and it was sort of this, like, I'll do you if you do me, and it was not pleasurable at all for me. But yet, when I thought about like experimenting, no part of me expected that it was supposed to be pleasurable. And yet, when I think about every male on the other side, they actually were experiencing pleasure. Right. Fast forward to losing my virginity was not pleasurable

    Rachel 16:05

    because had they been given the opportunity to explore their own bodies, to figure out what their bodies liked? It's again, it's a cultural norm that we just expect that.

    KC Davis 16:14

    So we're literally setting our girls up for not believing that their sexual encounters should be pleasurable, and that's like a big reason why so many of us and so many of our daughters would grow up to be like to partake in this culture where, like, my pleasure doesn't matter, and it really just matters about the man. And I'm just doing it so that he like, oh my god, this is such a light bulb moment.

    Rachel 16:43

    Yeah, we never label it. We don't name that. We don't talk about the idea that we're not talking about pleasure because we don't want to talk about sex like we have never that doesn't come up. And then so, like, you know, you feel uncomfortable talking to little kids about it. You don't want to say, This feels good, it's and then the next step of that is it feels good when you do it to yourself and it should feel good when you get to a partner. And that's where, like the next video, one of the next ones that I had blow up was my four pillars discussion, the four pillars of safe sex, because safe sex isn't just about protection. So what are the four pillars? So the four pillars are confirmation, making sure that both partners are really excited to be doing this. You need to confirm explicitly that both of you are jazzed about this happening. Then you have to have communication checking in beforehand. What do you want to try? What are you excited about checking out, like checking in during? Hey, is this good? Are you liking this? Do we want to try something different and then checking in after? How do you feel? Do you want to cuddle? Do you need a glass of water? Do you want to go for a walk? How was it? And then the third pillar is lubrication. Nobody talks about that. It's a whole, I mean, that's a whole nother podcast. But like making sure that you are able to do this in a way that doesn't hurt, right? There's a very low percentage of people that can have sex without additional lubrication and actually enjoy it. Weirdly enough, I keep smacking there.

    KC Davis 18:05

    I recently saw a Tiktok that was like nobody had ever put it this way. And he showed a picture, a D model of a clitoris, and where it showed that, like it's not just that little nub, like it's this big kind of organ that goes, you know, all sorts of ways. And he specifically talked about the part of it that comes around the outside of the vaginal canal. And he was like, here's the thing, there are no nerves like on the inside, like in much of your vaginal canal. And so what makes penetration pleasurable is when you get aroused, blood flows into this part of the clitoris, and that changes what's and it pushes in on the walls and creates sensation. And so he was like, when we talk about lubrication, we're not just talking about so that it goes in easy. We're talking about so that it's actually pleasurable for you, not just the absence of pain and irritation and friction, but that foreplay, getting those areas ready, right? It's as integral to a woman as like getting an erection is for a man, like it won't work. There will be no pleasure otherwise. Yep,

    Rachel 19:16

    you're absolutely right. Like that is, it is essentially, when you think about it, a female erection, getting that part of the clitoris warmed up is vital. You said it beautifully.

    KC Davis 19:27

    And he also, by the way, for any men listening, he said that is typically best done by not touching the clitoris. He was like, you can't just like, go in. It's like, this is the mood setting, right? So that's fascinating. So it's confirmation, communication, lubrication, what's the fourth one? And

    Rachel 19:42

    now my brain just turned off. So this is I'm all like, God, I

    KC Davis 19:45

    love that so much.

    Rachel 19:47

    My favorite part about being ADHD, I talk about this literally all the time. This

    KC Davis 19:52

    is such a safe space to do that. Just blank. It's fine. We'll come back to it. Yeah,

    Rachel 19:56

    yeah. It's just gone. It's not there. I made them up. Made a Tiktok. Can't think of it.

    KC Davis 20:03

    So I think that what I find myself as a parent being afraid of is like, what if I teach my kid things about her body that her brain is not ready to contextualize or make decisions about?

    Rachel 20:20

    So that's where my the kind of foundations of BodyTalk come from. That's where you have that requirement. I call it consent for knowledge, touching base and making sure that your kids are driving this bus, that they're letting you know when they're ready to hear this information. Touch is saying, you know, hey, this answer to this question or this topic that I'm going to bring up might make you feel some things. Might make you feel a little weird, or make you have some more questions. Are you ready to hear this? Do you want to know the answer? Because sometimes they're going to say, No. They'll be like, actually, I don't really want to know that. And then you say, Okay, I'll table this, and we can talk about it later. And what that does is it allows you to know like, Okay, this is something that they've been thinking about, or they've been hearing from someone, or they heard a joke in a movie, or whatever. And I need to come back to this, because it's clearly something that is brewing, right? But it also gives them the ability to say, I'm not ready for this yet, right? If I'm going to feel some things, I need to be in a different place.

    KC Davis 21:23

    So what would you say to a parent that says I don't want to talk to my young child? They're asking me where babies come from. They're asking me how babies get into the tummy. But I'm really afraid that if I tell my kid about penises going into vaginas, they're going to go to school and ask some kid to put their penis into the vagina because they don't have they don't understand cognitively that, like they need to not do that well,

    Rachel 21:48

    and that's where. So if your kid is asking the question, you start with the minimum answer possible, right? You always start with the most base level. So where do babies come from? Oh, babies come from uteruses. Oh, okay, okay,

    KC Davis 22:02

    so let's, let me ask you this in real life, because this has happened to me. The first time that my kid asked, Where do babies come from? I said, mommy's tummy. Yeah. I said, Okay, all right. The next time she asked, and I had actually already been watching your tech talk, so I was, like, trying really hard to and then the next time she said, this was like, you know, I can't remember if it was like, months or a year later or a year later or something? And she kind of stopped doing, how did the babies get into the mommy's tummy? And so I said, well, the daddy's put them there. This may not have been the right answer, but I was, I was trying to go with, like, I'm gonna be honest, but, and then she was like, oh, okay, like, whatever. Then the next question, and when I say they were, like, months, if not years, in between these questions, right? She goes, how did the daddies put a baby into mommy's tummy? And that's when I realized I'm not ready to have this conversation. And I was like, I'll tell you later. So like, and I mean, she was four when she asked that. So how do you first of all, how should I have done that differently? And then how would I answer that question of, how does the daddy put the like? So you

    Rachel 23:05

    didn't, I mean, to make you feel better. You didn't handle it poorly, right? You didn't shut her down and say, You can't know that you're that's too much of a grown up question. Like, you didn't shut her down. You said, Oh, I'll answer that a little bit later, right? We're all. We all have moments where we're busy or where we need to gather our like our thoughts, it is better to say in the moment, can we talk about this? Can we table this? Can we put a pin in it and I'll come back to it and then do that? Right? Obviously, you've got to make good than to freak out and be like, you can't talk about that, right? We don't want to add shame to the conversation. We just want to say, we'll talk about that in a minute, right? We'll give that a second. But that's the perfect time for you to throw in that consent for knowledge piece. So I'm going to tell you how the baby gets in there, but it might make you feel some big things and make you have a lot of questions. Are you sure you want to know? Because it's very possible that she's like, Yeah. And then what you do is you start again, minimal information. So you know that babies grow in my tummy, but there's a special organ called a uterus. That's where they grow. It's like a room that's only made for babies to grow. And what happens is there's these things called ovaries, and the egg comes out of the ovaries, and then the sperm meets the egg in the fallopian tube, and that's where the cells combine, and the DNA zips together and starts the process of making a baby. And the cells divide and divide and divide, and like, when you get to that again, that very mechanical explanation, the sperm and the egg, that's enough information, if you really don't want to talk about the penis and the vagina and that whole thing yet, start with the biology of where the baby actually forms, because that's so much, wait a minute, there's two. They have to Whoa. And it's entirely possible that's enough for her to chew on that, how the sperm gets in there? Not even there, not even thinking about it

    KC Davis 24:44

    yet, sure. Okay, well, is there like, a minimum age, or is it like different for all kids? Like, when you start,

    Rachel 24:51

    it's different for all kids. So, like, my oldest was probably seven. He probably took the longest to be like, how does. Get in there, which, incidentally, was really comfortable, because it was right after we told him that he was having a baby sister. He was like, Wait, how did she get in there? And I was like, Cool. All right, well, I guess I'll tell you. And then my middle was probably three and a half, because she was getting a baby sister. And she was like, how did she get in there? I was like, Do you want to know? And she's like, Yeah. And again, to them, it's like, putting Legos together, right? It's not some sort of big, scary, puritanical, you know, oh, I'm gonna go try this. Right? It's like, oh, that's a cool thing that you could do. Interesting. And then what you were saying, like, I'm scared that my kid's gonna go to school and be like, let's try this. You at the end of this conversation, or even peppered throughout you, throw in this is a thing that grown ups do when they're feeling like they want to have a baby, because when they're little, like that pleasure is not about you're not talking about two people having pleasure, yet you can, you can say that it feels good, I guess, but like, I've never bothered because I don't want them thinking about like, it's pleasure and it's baby. Because for them, they're just thinking about the baby. They're like, Where do babies come from? Where is human life springing forth from? And then the pleasure part is a separate conversation, just for themselves, in my experience, anyway. So

    KC Davis 26:13

    when would it behoove a parent to have this conversation with a kid that maybe is not bringing it up? So

    Rachel 26:20

    I that's another one where another foundation is encouraging curiosity. So curiosity is a foundational part of BodyTalk, and not just curiosity about sex, but curiosity about your body in general. So if you want to pepper scientific facts through their whole lives about their body, did you know that scabs, they fall off? Guaranteed within two weeks, because your skin, your whole outside of your skin, replaces itself every 28 days. Did you know that isn't that cool? Did you know that your body has a mail carrier like the mailman outside your body has that they're called hormones, and peppering those kind of facts throughout your day to make curiosity and information sharing a standard so that if you notice that your child hasn't asked the question, you can say, Isn't it interesting that babies are the result of two cells from two different people coming together to make a human? Did you know that? Isn't that cool? And you can spark that curiosity just by sharing non scary facts that are interesting about the human because we're miraculous, right? The way the human body works is fascinating, and there are things about us that we still don't understand. We've been wandering this earth for 1000s of years, and there are processes we don't get, but we're like, we're still figuring it out, and so making the knowledge of the human body commonplace but still fascinating, is a huge part of making BodyTalk non threatening.

    KC Davis 27:48

    Okay, so when we come back, I have two questions for you. Okay, so here are my two questions. I want to talk about how hard these conversations can be for us as parents when we maybe didn't get those types of conversations as kids, like, how do we address and I love earlier when you said, like, it's okay to punt the question. But what was interesting to me is that punting the question was about me not being ready, not about them not being ready. I mean, how do you help someone get over maybe some of those fears. Oh yeah, what if they're corrupted, or, what if they, you know, go say this to some other kid. What if they, you know, start experimenting, and it's, you know, how do we work through our own feelings of those sort of things? So

    Rachel 28:34

    that's the kind of, the reason why I started my platform, right? Is this idea that working through your own feelings, just like when you're doing gentle parenting, just like when you're trying to get into a healthy adult relationship. So much of this comes from doing your own internal work, and the easiest way is to start or to think about them ahead of time, right? Don't wait to think about this until your kid is asked the question, right? Start thinking about, how am I going to talk about this? What do I want to say? What are some scripts that I can use, right? And then, like you were saying, Where does this come from in me? Why am I uncomfortable about this? What about this conversation gives me the ick and thinking about, Okay, is there a time when I was little that I asked a question and got shut down. Was there a moment where I realized that if I had known this, I would have been a safer person and thinking about those things like that's so much of this is forethought. It requires thinking ahead. And kids don't often let us do that. They love to blindside us with things that we never thought about.

    KC Davis 29:40

    That was such a powerful thing you said, when you said, If I had known this, I would have been safer. And I think that even if you don't have kids, there's something really powerful about the permission to grieve. I mean, the title of this episode is the sex ed you should have had. And I. There should have been someone that could talk to you about this, and maybe it was no one's fault. A lot of people are, you know, we're all products of our time and our culture and the way we were raised, and I think most people are doing the best we can, but it's okay to grieve that like that might have hit some people like a ton of bricks, like you had you had this information, had you had an adult that could have taught you the way you deserve to be taught you might have been safer. You might

    Rachel 30:26

    have been able to avoid you know, I look back on my own youth and again, very much like you. I had parents who were way more open than any of my peers. Parents, right? Like I very distinctly remember, like my book opens with me flipping through the vellum pages of the World Book, encyclopedia, anatomy section, and looking at the systems, and being hyper focused on the reproductive systems, and being like, this is fascinating. And my parents were just like, yeah, if you've got questions, you can ask them. But my parents were married for 31 years. They met my mom's freshman year of college, my dad had been engaged before, when he was in Vietnam, and my mom had dated a couple of people, but, like, there was no there was never a discussion about what healthy dating looks like and what it looks like to, you know, try people on for size, etc, etc. It was just kind of this expectation that when you get old enough, you'll meet somebody that you want to partner up with, and then, you know, that'll be the thing. And so I think about my early 20s, where I dated some really great guys, and I went on some really dangerous dates, like where I had I had my own self interest in mind, even in the slightest, I would never would have gone. And I'm really lucky that being who I am, I was able to get out of those dates without being hurt. But, you know, I think about if those conversations had been more commonplace, how I might have been able to avoid that? And you're absolutely right, grieving and recognizing, like it's okay to be sad that I had to experience those things, and then remembering the reason I'm having these conversations is to help my kids avoid the really dangerous stuff. You're not going to help them avoid heartache. Everybody has heartache. Everybody has those moments where they're like, shoot. That did not go to plan, but hopefully avoiding those situations where they come home and they're like, I'm I'm hurt

    KC Davis 32:17

    well. And the thing that I think's ironic about my sort of gut reaction, fears of like, what if they go do this? What if they go do this? Are all things that like kids are doing when they don't have the right information. Like, those things are happening anyways.

    Rachel 32:33

    I will never forget Samantha s at the base of the curly slide on the elementary playground being like, I saw some sperm. You could see him swimming around in the hand. And I was like, Whoa, no, you can't they're microscopic. Like, that's not a thing. She's literally talking about tadpoles or minnows or something, and just calling them sperm. But like, it is in just seared into my brain, and that is another one of those driving forces, like, I will be sharing the information with my child that you can't see them, and if a grownup is showing you sperm, you need to tell mom. Well, listen,

    KC Davis 33:03

    that was my first thought was, like, if you had the kind of relationship with your parents where you that kind of thing was an open topic, and you were sort of taught about happening between adults. And some one did say to you on the playground, I had sperm in my hand, then that would be something that I immediately would be like, I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna tell my mom about that, because that kind of sounds weird, right?

    Rachel 33:27

    Exactly like I think back on that, and I'm like, because I didn't tell my parents. It like I knew how babies were made. But the concept, like, why would you it never went there for me that like, why are you as a fourth grader talking about, this, is this a flex? And what's really ironic is, my dad was a social worker, so if I had told him, it would have been an immediate like, oh, boy, we gotta check in on this. And it never even occurred to me, because the like, I knew that it was a grown up thing, but I never like and we're not supposed to know and we're not supposed

    KC Davis 33:59

    so do you have any, like, favorite books that parents could use or that you like?

    Rachel 34:07

    So I don't, I know there's

    KC Davis 34:11

    one I should have asked that. I didn't even ask that ahead of time. It's okay. There is

    Rachel 34:15

    one, I think there's one that's called How to make a baby, that's very cut and dry, right? It's very explicit. It's very there's diagrams. It's very clinical with how it comes together, and it's pretty straightforward. And it's a picture book. It's meant for small children that you can and you can show them the pages you want to show them, and you can show them, you know, the pages you don't want to show them. But as far as like, handbooks and guides, I'm working on one,

    KC Davis 34:38

    oh, cool. Is the one you mentioned how to make a baby, is that the one that's really inclusive? Yeah, about, like, the different ways that it doesn't just talk about penetrative sex between a man and a woman.

    Rachel 34:50

    Yes, yep. And that's part of the reason I like it. So I like that it discusses IVF. I like that it discusses, you know, the fact that sex doesn't just happen to be about a baby. Baby, but it, you know, we're focusing on babies again, because this is the question you're asking me. But yeah, that's that it is very inclusive, if I recall,

    KC Davis 35:07

    because I think I might get that one. Because, you know, when we were talking about, like, how do you bring that up to a kid that maybe is getting to the age where you should know, but they haven't asked, like, maybe that's a good way of being like, we're just gonna read

    Rachel 35:19

    this book. You totally good with the idea of, like, if you get uncomfy, this book has lots of really good information, but if you get uncomfy, please tell me and we'll stop.

    KC Davis 35:27

    Okay, well, I can't wait for your book. What do you have a title yet? It's

    Rachel 35:32

    only got my working title, which is BodyTalk, but it's a collection of stories that are then attached to, kind of the foundational pieces of the sex ed that we should have had, right? Like the how this could look different for people if we give them the information

    KC Davis 35:46

    well, so tell us where people can find you now if they want to follow you. So I'm

    Rachel 35:51

    primarily on Tiktok. My handle is lack of impulse control, which is a callback to my ADHD self. I'm also on Instagram, same handle, lack of impulse control. I'll be launching a YouTube channel here and a Facebook page in the next two weeks,

    KC Davis 36:04

    which by the time this episode comes out, that will be out. Yes, okay, cool.

    Rachel 36:08

    And then I'm actually working with a developer to get my website launched with the URL of which will be safe kidsno stuff.com.

    KC Davis 36:14

    Safe Kids, no stuff. No stuff. Oh, no. Like, K N, O, W, K N, O, W, yep, because Safe Kids know stuff. Okay, we'll link all that in the show notes. This has been really great, and I want to thank you so much. I feel like this is such a gap in parenting content when it comes to helping us know how to raise our kids, and especially because when we want to do something different than what was done to us, and that's no judgment, it's just you decide, you know, but it's like when you don't have a model for the way that you want to do it, or even the way you don't want to do it, because it's not like, well, I don't want to do what my parents did. I mean, they did fine, but I don't know how to do anything different without a model. And that's why I think that what you talk about is so vital, and the way that you do your videos is vital. So I want to thank you.

    Rachel 37:09

    Thank you. I remember the fourth pillar, by the way. What is it? It's enthusiastic participation. Nice if your partner or yourself is not in it enthusiastically, you should probably touch base. There's that communication piece again and stop enthusiastic participation. Sorry. ADHD, woo. The

    KC Davis 37:28

    amount of times I've been on a podcast and people have been like, what are your seven pillars? And I've like, said them. By the way, there's not seven, they're six. They already did it. And I'll, like, forget them say the wrong number of times there are. It's amazing. I have just really learned to embrace that about myself like that's fine. All right, cool. Well, thank you dear listeners for joining us. I hope that you guys have a really soft and compassionate day. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
107: BEST OF: The Color of Care Tasks with Danita Platt

🌟 Taking a Break! 🌟

Hey everyone! I am taking a short break for August to recharge and prepare exciting new content for you. I’ll be back in September with fresh episodes and engaging conversations. Thanks for your support and patience. Stay tuned for what’s coming next!

I’m excited to have Danita Platt on the show today. I didn’t know anyone of color in the field of care tasks until I met her. Her content resonates with me and my views around care tasks, so I hope you’ll enjoy hearing more from Danita!

Show Highlights:

  • Who Danita is and how she became an expert on gentle care tasks

  • How our society over the last two generations has moralized care tasks and tied them to the worth of a woman

  • Why we need to rethink our views about care tasks and “being a good woman” that go back to the founding of the US, historically speaking

  • How the concept of “invisible labor” has carried over from colonial days even to today

  • How many white people were able to live the lives they did because of the cheap, exploitable labor of Black women

  • How the Great Migration happened to move many Black families to northern cities from the South

  • How the shift happened to push Black (and white) women to work industrial jobs while men were away during the war

  • How the push is recurring for 1950s homemaking to be viewed as the superior role for women

  • What we DON’T talk about in the fulfilling life of a homemaker

  • How Danita chooses to honor the Black women who had to wash clothes, clean house, and cook meals under duress–with no freedom or choice of their own

  • What Danita would say to women who want to live more joyfully in their homes and experience more freedom and quality of life

Links & Resources:

Connect with Danita: TikTok and Instagram

Mentioned in this episode: Sisters in Hate: American Women on the Front Lines of White Nationalism

Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website 

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

  • KC 0:00

    Dan Hello, you sentient ball of stardust. Welcome to struggle care, the podcast about self care by a host that frankly hates the term self care. We have an excellent guest today. I am really excited. I've been trying to get Danita on this podcast for a minute, because I just love her content and her point of view. And so Danita Platt, would you just say hello to everybody?

    Danita Platt 0:26

    Hi everybody. Thanks for hanging out with us today. I'm excited to be here. Casey, I really am very excited.

    KC 0:31

    So the way that I met you was that I had been posting content about home care, self care from my morally neutral perspective. And someone asked me, Hey, do you know anybody that does care tasks like you? And I was like, Yeah, I can make some account recommendations. And I made some account recommendations from people that did, like, auto care, dietitian like that had a similar sort of, like gentle and compassionate view. I didn't want to recommend anyone that had, like, a commercialized self help, you know, like view to them. And I made these recommendations, and immediately it was pointed out to me that every person I had recommended was a white person. And I was like, Oh, you are right. And I was thinking, I don't know any black women or black men or black people of color, or people of color in general, that were talking about gentle care tasks. And when I said that, immediately you were someone that people began to tag in my comment section. And I'm really grateful for that, because I went over and I looked at your content, and I was like, this, is it? This person? I get them. They get me. And so will you talk a little bit about kind of who you are, what your background is, and I love in your bio online, it literally says gentle care strategies. And so tell me who you are and how you came to be doing gentle care strategies. Yeah.

    Danita Platt 2:05

    So yeah, I remember getting those tags, and I was like, Oh, wow, but I had already been following you. And I was like, Casey is going to handle this with grace that she always does what you did, yeah? So I Gosh, what got me started talking about gentle care was the fact that I had been absolutely overwhelmed trying to take care of my family as a single mom. Some years ago, I went through a divorce, and I was just trying to get the kids up and at 'em, and it was like they were wearing uniforms to school, and I distinctly remember not having clean uniform shirts to send them to school, and just being like, and I was raking myself over the coals about that. And eventually I was just like, This has to stop. So I started, you know, I like to think I started doing what other people do, which is kind of consuming content on care tasks and like how to be able to take care of your family and get things done and work in a full time job and etc. And I started to just feel still really overwhelmed with the sensation of it all, like I still just felt like I wasn't good enough. That's just the best way for me to describe it. And then eventually I was just saying to myself, You know what? And obviously this was undiagnosed ADHD, which immediately kicked me out of the box of all of the boundaries around how to get it done. And I was just like, what works for me? So I started doing little things that worked for me and realizing, how about you just be nice to yourself about this, and that's so mean. And I started feeling better letting go of those standards that I felt like I needed to live up to. And so I have degree in home economics. All of my friends in college, they took to calling me the white Martha Stewart, the black Martha Stewart, rather. And I always felt weird about that. I always went HBCU, you know, but I always felt weird about that statement, because it wasn't even that I was the black Martha Stewart. It was that I didn't want to be Martha Stewart like No, thank you. Not that she's not, you know, for all the folks who love her wonderful it just wasn't something I wanted to be because I wanted something else that let me do what I needed to do. So I kind of wandered over into the idea of gentle care for my own struggles around not feeling good enough to be able to take care of my family as a woman in America and a black woman in America. And so

    KC 4:20

    I relate to your story a lot about, you know, the first place we go is the internet or books or podcasts or whatever, to reach for, I guess, what could, you know, self help is like the genre, right? And you're looking at the organizing books and the cleaning accounts and and all of these things, and it felt like what was presented was very much an emphasis on being esthetically pleasing on right so that Instagram esthetic and also just like a really romanticized version. And I remember trying things like, I tried to, like home, edit my pantry. I tried to. And I actually love Marie Kondo. Yeah, me too. I tried to follow her book, like, to the t right? I'm trying to think of other things. And sometimes they were just like, general, like, I'm gonna be someone who wakes up at 5am and does this and this and this. Like, this one influencer I saw, and I had that same like, it didn't fit. I didn't stick with it, I tended to do it for a little bit, and I almost felt like I was like cosplaying an adult that had their life together. And then when I stopped doing it, I felt as though it must be because I failed. I didn't try hard enough, and I found myself in the same position you were in before I knew I had ADHD, also of sort of just realizing, okay, maybe I need to figure out, sort of like rhythms and rituals and ways to be about my house that serve me, instead of worrying about, like, making myself into the type of person that just like floats around their house, Martha Stewart style. So I really relate to that. So I love a couple of the tiktoks that you have made. And you know you mentioned, like, as a woman in America, and I have have been having conversations for a while about like, when I say care tasks are morally neutral, people will say, like, why is it? Why do we have such a moralized view of care tasks. And just from my own experience, I've talked a lot about, you know, well, as a woman, I'm not even two generations removed from the generation that if you were not good at domestic care tasks, you probably weren't going to get married. And if you're not married, you're on the street, and how our families had sort of passed down this messaging about how important it is as a woman. But what I have learned is that that's not the end of the story about why care tasks are so moralized. And there was this viral video on Tiktok recently, where this mom had cleaned her house, and it looked beautiful, and she had this audio to it, and it literally said, if you're not cleaning your house, literally all day, every day, then you're not a good mom. You're not a good wife. Your husband should be able to come home and to a clean house. And it was not parody, like she meant it, and you had this incredible stitch where you talked about where some of that comes from in our culture, and how it's related to the history of care tasks in America. And I just would love for you to enlighten us about that. Sure.

    Danita Platt 7:39

    Yeah, so, gosh, all of the stuff that comes it's so so so packed and heavy, and you don't even realize that you're laboring under years and years and years and generations of stuff that people have decided is the way to do something. And when we look at it historically, it really starts with the founding of the country. It starts with the arrival of Europeans here in America. And you know, that happened in waves. So the first wave was that the settlement in Jamestown and the people who arrived were really about finding resources. You know, they're looking for gold. They're looking, how do I capitalism? How do I gather resources at this place? And as we know, they did not think about farming or crops or feeding themselves, and we know how that ended up. That didn't work out. And then we have another group that lands Just a year later, but they land at Plymouth. And what is that Massachusetts? But these folks have a completely different perspective. They really feel God ordained, like this sense of a god assignment. They are hook, line and sinker in that messaging. And they show up thinking, we are here to bring morality, Christianity, not, you know, the first group was like, I'm gonna separate from the church. You know, this group is like, no, no, we're going to redeem the church, you know, here. And they set out with that level of morality. And so you have these two ideas that are now floating around the East Coast, where it's the idea of capitalism and making a way for yourself and sort of bootstrapping to change your circumstances, and you have this idea of my God ordained. The morality part is really super heavy with these people. And obviously in 1619 there's ship that shows up that has 20 some odd Africans on it. They are then this is where we end up with chattel slavery. It starts with indentured but we know it moves quickly to chattel slavery, and specifically the harvesting of tobacco, which is being sent back to England, and it becomes the crop. The cash crop is tobacco. And so now we need more Africans in order to be able to do this. But what's happening? Societally is that we're still and by we, I mean European sellers, Americans now are still living the way that they were living previously, which is housing. And we see all this play out in the architecture. It's housing that's very small. It's not these. When you think like plantations, you think sprawling and mansions and pillars, right? But it wasn't that initially. It was like one or two rums, and everyone is working side by side. So the white woman who is the enslaver, the white man who's enslaver, the Africans who are there. They're all in the field together, harvesting tobacco together. They're all cooking in the same common room in the hearth that's in the common room in the house. So what we end up with is this side by side labor. Well, then we end up with this third wave of folk who show up from Europe, but they are here now. They are aristocrats, they're Gentry. They're of a different class than the original first two groups who showed up, and they arrive with the idea, why are we living with, working beside? Why are we societally structured so that everyone is all in here together, right? If we're going to do racism, we have to learn how to do it, because we weren't doing it before that, not in this way. So we have to learn what that looks like. And so it looks like separating whites from Africans. It looks like changing our architecture so that we don't have to live in the same spaces and places. So all of a sudden now this idea of the work and the care and all of the care tasks that fall in line with what it is to be white in America, black in America, all of that falls to the enslaved population. But there's this idea also attached in there where the work is being done by the enslaved people, but the credit and the essence of it is really to the enslave the enslavers, the people who are enslaving people in this population. So in America, we end up with this incredible moral weight that comes with the way that we organize ourselves. And we've carried it forward in that if I'm going to be a good white woman who takes care of her white family. That is actually being paid forward from the aristocracy idea during the start of the country.

    KC 12:29

    And it seems like it's part of a carryover from England and Europe, where the class divide over there was very much like if you were, you know, aristocracy, if you were lords and ladies whatever, like, they didn't really work. I mean, they maybe had, like, their investments and things, but they weren't the women baking bread, right? They weren't the men who were, like, tilling soil and, you know, farriers and things like that. They didn't work. So when those people came over, and not only did they not work, but you mentioned like that God ordained. It wasn't like, we're Lords because we earned it. It was like, no, like, our families are better. We were not meant by God to work. We were meant by God to be the land owners. And like, I'm sure there were people who were awful people, but there was also morality in that of like, it's my job to take care of these poor. You know, they don't know better. They live on my land. They pay rent, but I'm the Lord that takes care. And so obviously we move that those people come over and they're not working, but all of their care, right? Their care tasks back in England will be done by servants. Now they're being done by the enslaved population. And I thought it was so fascinating when you talked about how that becomes your status symbol, like, if you have enough servants and enslaved peoples to clean your big house, to cook your big meals, then that is a status symbol for how wealthy you are. And because of that class system brought over from England, the wealthier you are, the more right and moral you must have been in God's eyes for you to have gained that position Exactly.

    Danita Platt 14:12

    And to that point, the invisible labor is where we find ourselves now, right? Because you would have had invisible labor during that time because we were working together. But now, nope, everyone, you go off into this slave quarters down here, where no one's going to see you. You cook here, not in this kitchen. The kitchen is going to be off the house. All of the labor is done invisibly, and the white woman gets all the credit for all this invisible labor. And today it's unsaid, but it's the cap, the feather in the cap of the white woman who can have her house clean always have these incredibly high standards in her meals and meal preparation, the larger the house, the better. And. She does that effortlessly. It's the invisible. We never see her working like I say all the time, the visual of a sweaty white woman cleaning her house, we don't see that. That's not a thing, right? Because that isn't the messaging, and that is the standard that we find is because whiteness is the standard for everything else. That idea of whiteness is a standard for everything else. It becomes the standard for all women, even though it is really the standard for white women. Does that make like that?

    KC 15:30

    Yeah, and I heard somewhere that, like, we talk about this idea of, like running a household, running your household, and a lot of, like the Bible Belt will refer to a certain passage in the Bible, talking about like a woman who runs her household and but like running your household used to mean running your team of domestic laborers, right? It was organizing the maids and the cooks, and you know anyone who was working inside of your house, and fast forward, it's like we've retained the same like standards of cleanliness and home cooked meals. And you know, kids with the clean faces like that effortless always put together, but now running your house means you doing it all by yourself,

    Danita Platt 16:20

    absolutely, and that's new, right? That's like, I mean, that's what, maybe two generations, the whole do it all by yourself. And we see the result of people are exhausted because they're trying to live up to, like you said, the absence of this assistance, this unpaid labor that you have from the days of enslavement to the exploitation of domestic help, you know, up until now, and it just simply doesn't work, because the standard is not reachable. It's not really an attainable standard by any stretch. And I

    KC 16:50

    remember listening to people talk about how, you know, white families had domestic help, and I think that in my generation right now, when you think about having a nanny or a housekeeper, that sort of seems like something only attainable to like the 1% and I mean partially because, like, what you actually have to pay a nanny today who, like, knows her worth and has, like, labor laws protecting her or him is like, not something that is affordable to even. I think most middle class, upper middle class, right? You really have to be in the six figures to pay someone $50,000 a year to care for your kids, you know, on top of whatever you might be paying for private school and all this. And what was so interesting to me is when I heard someone talk about that, the amount of white people that immediately jumped to well, my family never had help. We were poor. My family never had help. We were poor. And I thought that was really interesting. And so I do not come from like a super wealthy family by any stretch of the imagination. My dad's family was well off, and my mother's family was extremely poor. So I just got curious, and I went to my dad, and I said, Dad, so my grandmother's name was tatten. Did tatten have help when you were growing up? Did y'all have, you know, people that came and helped? And he said, Well, yeah, I had a nanny. So my dad had a black nanny, and we grew up in Dallas, Texas, and she came and helped my grandmother, and, you know, watched him after school, and did all these things. And it was interesting. And my dad's, you know, second thing was, I loved her. So she was, you know, like family to us, and like you have to understand, my family is very liberal. And so it was sort of eye opening to me how close in our family history that was, and not that I don't have like, a moral judgment on it. It's just I would never have considered myself someone who was in that sort of group. And when we talk about, like, white privilege, like part of my life is the way it is because of the type of life my father was allowed to lead, and the life that he was allowed to lead was in part because the life his mother was allowed to lead, and the life she was able to lead was in part because of cheap labor from black women, absolutely. And I asked my mother the same question, by the way, the one that got very, very poor, and because I thought, Well, okay, my dad was a little more well off. And my mom said, so we didn't have anyone permanently, but my mother did have a young Hispanic woman that came after the birth of the children and helped her with the children, and she was with us until my sister, one time over dinner, said a word in Spanish, like past the whatever, and she was fired the next day. And I'm talking poor, very poor. And I was really sort of, it was eye opening to go, even very poor white families mostly could afford. At least some help, yes. So you talk about how the civil rights movement, as we you know, the impact that that had on basically cheap, exploitable labor. Can you talk a little bit about that?

    Danita Platt 20:11

    Yeah, it's actually yo. Civil Rights Movement absolutely impacted. But even before that, okay, the war effort of World War Two, because so prior to that, we have basically black families are either sharecropping or they are working in the domestic sense. So we see the great migration. Obviously, after the Civil War, we see black families leave en masse. And the great migration actually happens twice, but the first en masse movement out of the south, people end up going either straight up the coast, and so they end up stopping in DC, Philadelphia, New York, right? Or the kind of this diagonal sort of end up in either Chicago or like Kansas. Kansas City becomes a huge place that the black families migrated to and so when you're there, we're also talking about industrialization, tenant house, tenant housing. What are we doing to house all these people? Because we need workers, so people show up. And specifically, I'll speak to DC, because I'm here. This is part of why DC is called Chocolate City, because of the great migration where all of these hotels needed porters and cooks and bus hops and bellboys, etc. All of these families needed nannies and cooks and live in etc. And so there is this, um support network of African Americans who are fulfilling these domestic roles. What ends up happening is, when we're talking about World War Two, the war effort requires workers because the men are gone, so we're going to employ women. Well, prior to that, black women and had to work. It was many laws passed saying the black women absolutely they could not just be home with their children. They were either sharecropping, which is what my family did, or working as domestic help. And this is mainly because white women are complaining, saying, I need help here in the house. My grandmother had slaves. Now they're not, obviously saying it like that, but the point is, she had help. My mother had help, and what I believe is my right is to have help with these I'm not supposed to be overwhelmed with these kids, right?

    KC 22:28

    And that same messaging is still there for the of I have to have this perfect clean house. So I want to hear more about this, but I'm going to have us pause to hear a word from our sponsors. Okay, we're back with Danita Platt, who is talking with us about sort of the history of care tasks in America, and how that has influenced us today, sort of living under this heavily moralized view of care tasks, and how we're all sort of drowning and we all feel ashamed. And so you were talking about how the women began to sort of demand that they have the help their grandparents had, exactly.

    Danita Platt 23:05

    And so black women are then, well, now you can't be home. You have to go to work. If you're not working as a sharecropper, then we need to make sure that you're working here domestically in our houses. So but then with the war effort, the men go off to fight, and workers are needed to continue with the war effort. And so that dismantled the working pot of black women who could be in houses providing this domestic care. And so we look up and what black women are now being employed, not just domestically. Now, they can work on in manufacturing. They can work here in this industrial role. And that then completely dismantles the domestic pot that white women were able to reach for. And then we have the white women's feminist movement and all of that. We start looking at things like birth control. White women saying, I need birth control. And I say all the time, I get it. You don't want to have 10 of your husband's children. We understand, right? Because of what all that's going to mean. We

    don't want you to either.

    We don't want you to hurt so it all lays out into us, not letting go of this concept of our value and our what we are owed as Americans, air quotes, you know that all of that conceptual nonsense, and we haven't let that go, and we're just paying it forward constantly. So

    KC 24:36

    one of the things that is interesting to me when I sort of look at on the landscape of care tasks, is that particularly kind of the platform that we're on, on tick tock, so there seems to be this resurgent on, at least, you know, the platform we're on, tick tock, where they're calling themselves Trad wives, which stands for traditional wife, and it's typically a. White women, they're often Christian, and they're making content about home, domestic life. It's not like a how to right? It's not like what you and I do. It's just a sort of like picturesque it's almost like trying to bring back the 1950s housewife, and they talk about things like slow living and homemaking as a fulfilling role, and they even go one step further to suggest that homemaking is the superior role that a woman should be in. But like you said, it's never like the white mom with like a ratty t shirt and a vomit stain sweating with the greasy hair being like, yeah, man, taking care of the home is really like the superior place for women to be. No, it's always like some perfectly manicured, thin white woman who's, you know, not wearing a lot of makeup, but is still very like with the Eurocentric beauty standards, like holding a basket of apples right as her like, toddler jumps and puddles. And sometimes they're even, like, living off grid, and she's canning and baking. There's like, beautiful esthetic shots of her baking bread from scratch. And you had, I think, the most, just like the best commentary, where you said, you know, the picture that you're trying to, quote, unquote, bring back of this sort of 1950s housewife where, you know, she's like, so fulfilled, and every moment is sweet, and it's this kind of romanticized idea you said that didn't exist. And you said, specifically, effortless care, task management is a fantasy. And so I'm wondering if you could talk some about that. Yeah, that

    Danita Platt 26:48

    imagery that you just laid out, like it may be, like, I'm hot, like, I'm sitting here now, like, hot at the thought of it. Yeah, it's frustrating, because it is an absolute fantasy. It never happened because that work was done by black women. It was done by black women during enslavement. When you talk about care tasks in America, okay, so to define a care task, and I'm sure you have a beautiful definition, I'm going to throw mine out there. My definition of a care task is something that doesn't stop it's not a project. It's a care task. Doesn't stop. That's feeding people, clothing people, cleaning, managing dirt, etc. These things are just they're just ongoing. All of those things were done in America by enslaved black women and men, invisible labor. All of that's done there, then it fast forwards into after reconstruction and all that, we still have this work being done by a black workforce. And so in the 50s, there was no version of this white woman, hair perfectly honed, like you said, European beauty standards. She didn't exist. She wasn't a thing. And when you look at their like Pinterest boards and their vision boards for this, it's all 1950s marketing propaganda created by white men working at marketing agencies trying to sell laundry soap like the woman that you're trying to be was not even real. So it never happened when you're attempting to create this Trad life esthetic, what you are saying is, I want to go back to the days of enslavement. I want to go back to the days where, because there's no such thing as doing all of that and not sweating and hair not out of place, like there's no such thing, it doesn't exist. So what we're pining for are days where you had slaves like I don't know how to say it. That is what you're pining for. And interestingly enough, I'm reading this book right now called Sisters in hate, about the white woman's contribution to white nationalism and that Trad life esthetic was started and is the main one of the main pillars of the white nationalist message, which is, and it's white women who are promoting it, white nationalist women who are saying that the way that we're going to save whiteness in America and maintain White supremacy is about white women having white children and promoting triad life. It's interesting

    KC 29:25

    to me when I think about the amount of white women and men again in those comment sections online that wanted to jump so quickly to my grandmother didn't have anything. We were poor. My grandmother and I think first of all that in a big majority of the case, that's actually not true. But even if, for those percentage of people where that was true, one of the things I'm learning from you is that just because your poor Polish grandmother didn't have servants or enslaved people, she was still. Being expected to live up to Yes, the pressures and the picture of what a woman is and what she does, and that picture was created by white aristocracy, women who had enslaved people

    Danita Platt 30:18

    exactly yes, and she'll never be able to live up to that. She will always be behind the eight ball. She will always be behind the eight ball, and in the African American community, because, again, whiteness as a concept, as a construct, defines itself as the standard that everyone else is measured against. Then Black women, women of color in America also must rise to the standard of this idea that is held by whiteness, and so no one can live up to the standard. Nobody can be good enough to be able to fulfill that. And that is nonsense. And

    KC 30:55

    I want to even like take it a step further, because, I mean, I get comments a lot online that say, you know, you're lazy, you're this, you're that. Because I had five kids and kept it clean, my mother had nine kids and kept it clean. And I think that one of the things that is important to remember is that even if a woman managed to pull off doing that like most of us can't do it, but even if a woman manages to pull off doing it, we don't talk about what she had to sacrifice to do that. We don't talk about the fact that she never sat down, that she never had a life outside of the house, that she didn't have an identity outside of her motherhood, that she was disrespected by her husband and her grown children. We don't talk about how and I and I it's they're not happy, and I know they're not happy because they're up in my comment section acting like assholes to me, and happy people that lived a life that was such a romanticized homemaking, fulfilling life, don't go around shaming strangers on the internet. And it's like you can tell that where that anger comes from, and that projection of judging other women is because they succeeded, and the prize they got was a shitty life. There it is. And now they're angry, and they want everybody else to do it too, yes,

    Danita Platt 32:20

    and that lie tells you that if you can accomplish this, you're going to get whatever wealth, or whatever it is. You feel like you're owed. You're gonna get that. And then when you realize that's never gonna happen, the consolation prize is self righteousness. It is looking down your nose at everyone who can't do it. And it's interesting, because when I'm speaking to a group about gentle care and having this conversation, I know when I have somebody in the audience who has been successful, because I get the stank eye when I start talking like, oh, well, I did it. Yeah, but you're not you're not doing too well, are you? And those weren't great times. Were they? You know, and it's also why I talk about as black women in America. Part of I feel like honoring the fact that when I think about a black woman who was enslaved, she was born, she lived, and she died in enslavement, and she never swept a floor for her own benefit. Her floor was dirt. She never washed a dish for her own benefit. She never experienced anything around a care task that was to the benefit of her or her children or her family or her loved ones she born, lived in doing that. I say as a black woman, I'm gonna not sweep today for all the times that black women swept because they had to, like that's my moment of I'm gonna honor that woman who never washed clothes, because she just that was what was on the list for her to do today, you know, to take care of what needed to be taking it. No She only did it under duress and under constant terrorism. And so that reaching for rest or whatever I do as a care task, being able to do it of my own impetus, I feel like is a moment in celebration of Black women who never had that opportunity.

    KC 34:28

    That's really powerful. I want to pause there, because I have a question for you when we come back. Okay, so we're back with Danita Platt, and so here's my question, sort of coming to the end of this conversation, so the people that are listening when we're thinking about trying to address our own relationship to care tasks and get to this place where we both have a functional space, but that we're not living to serve our space. And you talked a bit about. You know how you are connecting to your ancestors and using that to empower yourself to sort of break free from this sort of oppressive culture of care, task perfection. And so I'm just curious what you would say, maybe more about that, about if we want to live more joyfully in our homes and experience more quality of life and freedom. It sounds like you can't avoid confronting this cultural history.

    Danita Platt 35:39

    Yeah, absolutely. I don't think that you can stand in the midst of all of the expectations and all of the stuff that's dumped on you and not address it. I think you have to stop and turn your attention to it, and it's interesting, because the stuff of life demands so much attention. And I always ask myself, like that's so interesting, because it's almost like a constant distraction, so I won't turn my attention to the nonsense behind why. Like, who benefits from me being overwhelmed by inanimate objects? I've talked to a friend of the time, she says, I've asked myself, who benefits from that? And I'm like, Yeah, because how many women went to the grave with whatever was inside of them, and it's just laying out there in a casket. The world never experienced it because she was overwhelmed with inanimate objects. And I feel like that is an important question to ask one. I think the most important question to ask yourself in life is, who am I and then live up to that? And are you a duster? Like is that the answer to that question? Because, if so, then fine dust, all the stuff, right? Because that's who you are. But if the answer to that question is more than I'm a wiper or a duster or a washer, all of the actions that come with care tasks, the answer to that is different. Let's figure out how to manage this stuff so you can get around to that thing, because I want to see it. I'm interested in that. You know what? I mean? I want to celebrate and cheer you on, and I don't want you to take it to the grave. So, yeah, stopping in the midst of it all to answer that question, to ask and answer that question, is incredibly important

    KC 37:22

    well, and it's the stuff, it's the the stuff that has to be done in order to live. And I think it all comes back to, you know, do I exist to serve my space, or does my space exist to serve me? And, you know, just echoing what you said about like, it's really almost impossible for one person to do every single care task that needs to be done for really just one person, but much just a whole family, while they're now expected to also work 4050, hours a week, right? And at some point we have to make the decision to break away from that narrative that has been given to us,

    Danita Platt 38:01

    yes, absolutely, and liberate ourselves and free our social net, and ask those tough questions to say, in what way am I not liberated? And then how do I access liberation in that area? Well, this has

    KC 38:15

    been an incredible conversation, and why don't you take a moment to tell everybody where they can find you if they're interested in following, you sure, so

    Danita Platt 38:22

    you can find me in Casey Davis's comment section. So I'm on Tiktok. Danita Platt, I am on Instagram. Danita LaShawn Platt, but you can get to Instagram through Tiktok, so come hang out with me over there and I always say, you know, ultimately, my point is, let's take care of each other, so that is the purpose of my of my online presence.

    KC 38:48

    And your content is great. You have so many practical tips, and you are so approachable. And I just, I love the content that you put out into the world, and I'm so grateful that you made time for me today. Oh, thank

    Danita Platt 39:02

    you. I appreciate the invitation. And you know I love you know I just hang out over on your page because it's absolute gold. So thank you for what you do. You.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Christy Haussler
106: BEST OF: Is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria Real? with Dr Lesley

🌟 Taking a Break! 🌟

Hey everyone! I am taking a short break for August to recharge and prepare exciting new content for you. I’ll be back in September with fresh episodes and engaging conversations. Thanks for your support and patience. Stay tuned for what’s coming next!

I’m back with one of my favorite guests who is always up for the challenge of a podcast–no matter what the topic is! I want to explore the term rejection sensitivity dysphoria and get Dr. Lesley Cook’s take on it because I have so many questions. Let’s learn more together!

 Dr. Lesley Cook is a psychologist who works with those with ADHD and other kinds of neurodivergence. Born and raised in Hawaii, she now lives in Virginia and works with children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families.

Show Highlights:

●      What RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) is and how it is manifested

●      KC’s personal experience with RSD and feelings of worthlessness

●      How RSD is different from sensory sensitivity and autism

●      Thoughts about the strong word dysphoria in RSD

●      KC’s personal experience with RSD and being told she is “too sensitive”

●      How we can grow, change, and find regulatory strategies for RSD

●      Why it is difficult to communicate the facets and nuances of RSD and other interpersonal difficulties

Resources and Links:

Connect with Dr. Lesley Cook: TikTok

Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.

  • KC 0:05

    Hello you sentient ball of stardust. Welcome to Struggle Care. I'm your host, Kc Davis And I have one of my favorite guests back in the studio. Virtually, of course, Dr. Lesley Cook. Lesley, thank you for being here.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 0:17

    It is always a pleasure. I'm excited. Every time I'm here,

    KC 0:20

    I've recently started doing this thing where I actually meet with people before a podcast recording for 15 minutes and come up with like an outline of things we can talk about. And I'm like, This is so great. And not only did I not do that with you, I haven't even told you what the topic is today. I said, Do you want to do another podcast? And you were like, Yeah,

    Dr. Lesley Cook 0:38

    this is my wheelhouse.

    KC 0:39

    I love that. I love that I just what I learned was not everybody likes that or can do that. And so I went through a couple of interviews. I was like, oh, I need to start planning things so that I can help like guide the Leslie, I want to talk about rejection sensitivity just for Yeah, don't we all. And here's my like, whatever that word is that you say the disclaimer, I want 100%. And like totally down for any term that someone identifies with, that describes their experience that makes sense of their experience for them, and helps them navigate in a world where they can ask for what they need, and create accommodations in their life, and learn and grow and have self compassion for themselves. And like, I'm so down for that. Like, I'm never one of those people that like wants to take terms away from people are like, that's not the right time. Like, who cares? You like it? You got it? It's fine. I'm disclaiming that only because I have so many questions about this term. And sometimes, in order for me to understand something, I go to this like devil's advocate place of like, these are like the objections that come up in me. And I'm not voicing them, because I think they're necessarily right. But because I have to get these answered for me to fully feel like I understand something.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 1:59

    Yeah, absolutely. I was just talking to another mental health clinician about how like in the evolution of social media, mental health professionals, I did start as the person that was like, that's not the right term. Don't use it that way. And there's some merit to that in some cases. But one of the things I've learned, and I needed to learn by so much exposure to the consumers of our services and our content, is that disclaimer is that number one, people only create and communities only create words when there's a vacuum. So there's nothing here that describes what I'm trying to say. And so everyone is just dismissing it. And I think that term, the biggest thing it did, is it encapsulated quickly, something that we could all go, oh, yeah, yeah, I've had that. Like, that's a real experience. Yeah, it's a real thing. And you share it. It's something that brings people together into more understanding of each other. And I think it's less pathologizing than just don't be so sensitive. So I share that disclaimer, but you know, semicolon, I also have concerns with some of the terms that were adopted. And I think it's because of the fact that things grow and change. And so the original intent of that word, I wonder if we have strayed away from that.

    KC 3:14

    Interestingly, you brought that up. So people ask me, sometimes if I struggle with rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, and for anyone that's listening, it's like, what the hell is that it's a painful experience that you have when you are rejected, or you perceive you're being rejected. So it often comes up with criticism, even like healthy kind of criticism. And it's the idea that like, I basically like, cannot tolerate anything that feels as though I've done something wrong, or I'm being rejected. And I'm extremely sensitive to basically interpreting all criticism, critique, pushback mistake as being rejected, and that my nervous system sort of has this really overblown response to that, where I feel panicky, I feel like I'm in pain, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel all these things. So that's the colloquial like, layman's understanding of that. So people ask, and it's talked about a lot as a something that happens in people with ADHD. It's not officially a part of the diagnosis. It's not a formal clinical term. It's not in the DSM. And to my knowledge, I have not seen any research on it, have you?

    Dr. Lesley Cook 4:30

    Not necessary I think, again, social media is moving so much faster than our science can catch up. It takes years to like select a group and then do some testing. And so I haven't seen specific, you know, outcome research of what is this but I have seen articles and periodicals and shared experience publications that talk about the fact that this does seem to be something that is relatively unique as an experience, specifically for ADHD found in every person to some extent, but over represented for the ADHD crowd. But I think it's unclear where it comes from or how we would encapsulate it.

    KC 5:08

    So I actually looked up like an article on it. And this is from like, the attitude magazine, which is like the ADHD publication that comes out. And it says, What is rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And it goes on to say like, it's not a formal diagnosis. It's just like a common under researched symptom of ADHD. We don't actually know if it is or not, but it is experientially very common. Noticeably, the first thing they say is RSD is not thought to be caused by trauma. And this is one of the hardest things is like, if you asked me, Do you have rejection sensitivity, dysphoria? And then you say, it's what I just described? Like, sometimes you'd be like, Yeah, it's like men really being impacted by the feeling of rejection. And those are, there's a part of me that's like, is that not just having your feelings hurt? Like, isn't that everybody, like, nobody likes to be rejected. But I will say that most of my childhood, I do feel like I had an extra sensitivity to feeling worthless, like I struggled with feeling worthless a lot. And so getting rejected, felt more painful to me than it seemed like it felt to others. And the only reason that I know that is because through being institutionalized, and having to go through a lot of like confrontational therapy that like forced me to grow some ego strength, and then also doing some, like having some own, like growth around some spirituality stuff, there was literally this weird day. And I won't go into it, because it's a very weird woowoo story. But let's just say that I had a run in with this woman at my work that bullied me, and like, It tore me up on the inside, like I would literally reacted that day in the middle of an all staff meeting by screaming at her because she like made a face at me that was kind of like a meant to make me feel stupid, and like ran out of the room and then cried and then went to my car and was trying to drive home and then a pull over. And anyways, I at that time was like, looking into some of my own like spiritual texts, right. And I like read this thing. And it was really meant something to me. And I felt this like physical shift in my chest. And then all of a sudden, it got lighter. And it was such a weird sensation that I described my friends as it feel it felt like something Let go of me and left me. And I had this shift, where from then on and I mean, I also was getting so much therapy. So I feel like it was almost this combination of like a lot of therapy work, a lot of spiritual work a lot of sort of like meaningful things for me, where when I would get rejected or get criticized, it still hurt. It still didn't feel good. But what was gone was this like darkness that would like slither up the back of my throat and whisper in my ear. See, I told you, you were a piece of shit. I told you no one was gonna love you. Like that previous to that, like de that was my experience of rejection. It was intolerable. It was painful. It was more painful than just this hurts right now, I had never heard the term rejection sensitivity. dysphoria, right. And I think the differentiating factor that when you hear people talk about it, as they say, one, it is not thought to be trauma, I would have told you that reaction in me was trauma. And I know what it's trauma from it's trauma from some family of origin shit. So I wouldn't have ever said that, because the specifically they say RSD is a nervous system difference that is not related to trauma. Now, I think I had a nervous system difference related to trauma. And then I got a bunch of therapy and also had like this bizarre spiritual experience. And now I don't feel that anymore. So personally, it's hard for me to contextualize that, because when you describe it, yes, I remember feeling that way. But then when you needle down on, it's not trauma, it's a nervous system difference. It's, I'm like, Oh, well, how would we even know? Like, In what world does somebody with ADHD not have traumatic experience by the time they're an adult?

    Dr. Lesley Cook 9:04

    I think that is the core of where I think we're still kind of trying to develop a way to conceptualize this thing that we're calling RSD. And we're not quite there. And I think to piggyback on that, I agree and disagree and love how they described it and absolutely hate it at the same time. So we know that ADHD comes with this list of dis regulations. And it's not just as we all know, as we all in the club now. It's not just our attention and focus, it's also our ability to control up regulating our emotions, sometimes getting excited or motivated, sometimes down regulating. It's hard to inhibit our impulses. And so one of the most famous pieces of research that gets quoted a lot is kids with ADHD, hear their name called in a negative way, by I think it's AJ teen, like 20,000 times the it's a huge number more than other kids. And so we could look at it through one lens and say, well, that's not necessarily trauma. That's just the interaction of a nervous system that has trouble with this and the environment. However, that's also another way to look at trauma is that the interaction? So I think it's almost a non sequitur, like, is it due to trauma? Is it not? That almost doesn't matter? I think I think what really matters is to look at all of these kids, especially these undiagnosed kids who are growing up hearing that down, stop it go away, you're too much, you're not enough. If you could just focus that builds this sense that of impending doom, that every side glance, every miss text is about rejection is on the horizon. And I don't love the description, but I love the description of it climbing up your throat, I immediately identify with that experience. I even had one experience as a teenager where a friend that I had had since kindergarten, I guess I was probably being too much and too loud, getting on the bus. And she turned around and said, Don't you get it? We don't really like when you hang out with us. And that was my throat, realizing like, oh, it's me, they don't want me. And that was a formative experience to know. Would that have happened? Had I been dysregulated? Bless, maybe not. But those things, I think, you know, are part of the same phenomena.

    KC 11:21

    Yeah, there is this interesting, like hyper vigilance to rejection that you develop because of that. And that's the thing that I was trying to express at the beginning. Like, I'm not saying that the experience that we're all describing, when someone says rejection sensitivity, dysphoria is like not real, like I believe it is. I'm more interested in like, when you get down to this question of, is it an environmental, like, is it an experience that is just describing something we already knew about ADHD, the different factors of, you know, we knew these symptoms. So this symptom intertwining with this environment, creating this kind of, you know, traumatic experience, causes this experience, versus people who will talk about it as a symptom like no out of the womb, something with your nervous system and your brain wiring. Like, even if you've never had a negative experience, like, is overly sensitive to rejection. Because that was my other thing was like, when I read I was like, is that not just emotional dysregulation? I think

    Dr. Lesley Cook 12:19

    you could phrase it that way, you could look at it as functionally speaking, this is an emotional dysregulation that happens faster and more intensely. For those of us with this neuro type with this neurological difference. I think you could also say, maybe for most ADHD people, it's so common of an experience, that it might as well be a symptom. I think the danger in that for me, and this is like a bee in my bonnet as a clinician for years is that when we start believing that this thing, I'm holding up a little AirPods case, that this thing, RSD is like inside of me, like it's part of me, then it's always going to be here. And there's a tendency to think then when it happens, oh, it's RSC. Yeah, that happens. Versus if it's something that that I'm holding that I can look at, that I can examine, there might be a way for me to figure out how to maybe put it down a little more, how to learn how to get that cognitive thinking part of our brain online to say, is this really rejection? And you know this, because we've talked, you know, off of the online space, but I have friends where I try to actively practice, here's what I'm feeling. Am I literally making this up? And I have some amazing friends that will say, Yes, you are making that up. That is your brain has created that story. That's not what's happening. And that has decreased. That feeling of fear of rejection by probably 80%.

    KC 13:48

    Yeah, I think when I hear people talk about it as an innate thing, and to your metaphor, I think it's when we tried to put it in the same category as like, sensory sensitivity and autism, like that's in your brain, you came out the womb with that, like, not every autistic person has the same sensory or even any sensory sensitivities. But it's like, that is a sensory sensitivity that has to do with the wiring of your brain. There's no like cognitive restructuring that you could do to make yourself not be erect or in pain over that sensory thing. Like it is not a social construct. It is not an interaction between some other autistic symptom and your environment, like it is just straight up a neurological response to something that would happen in a vacuum. And I see a lot of people talk about RSD moving in that direction, as is like, No, this is an innate symptom separate from other symptoms that would happen even in a vacuum. And that's the one where I'm always like, Hmm, I'm not sure. And I'm not sure if it is, maybe it is, but if it's not, and we put it there will we be doing ourselves a disservice. And that's, I think what you were saying is like, well, here it is, you know, deal with it. It just sucks forever,

    Dr. Lesley Cook 14:56

    right? Like that's just what we have and I do think there are Some other pitfalls with that, as well, because it could be weaponized and and that could I see this a lot with kids. So if you have a child who like let's say, a teenager who is actually experiencing rejection, and they have ADHD, I have seen it, you know, well, that's your RSD. You know, it's possible that that can be weaponized against kids and adults alike, I

    KC 15:23

    don't have to take your hurt feelings seriously. Because your feelings are just an indicator that you can't control yourself, they're not an indicator, they're not couldn't possibly reflection that I hurt you, or that that thing really hurt you. It's just this, you know, and I have some friends that have borderline personality disorder. And they talk about that exact scenario with them. They're like, you know, I'm, and they're really healthy people, like really mature and healthy around their borderline. And they'll say like, the thing that sucks the most is like, really, actually having someone do something shitty to you, and like, try to talk to your loved ones about it. And they either say or imply like, well, like, Could this be the border line, and you're like, No, like, it actually was a really hurtful thing they did. And like, it's valid for you to be hurt.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 16:07

    And I think sometimes that's what happens when terms start out meaning something and then they get so blurry is that they circle all the way back around to the thing they were supposed to replace. So understanding BPD was supposed to be helpful, and therapeutic so that we don't stigmatize folks that are struggling with that understanding RSD was supposed to help us get away from, you're just too sensitive. But unfortunately, when we use it in this way, it becomes like, that's just your RSC it becomes you're just too sensitive. And I think the other piece is distinguishing between, I think the use of the word dysphoria, and it is really hard for me. And that is the one as a clinician that I'm probably too much of a stickler for I probably need to get over it. But I struggled because there's something it's like when people talk about pathological demand avoidance, and I refer to it just as demand avoidance. Because when we add pathological and when we add dysphoria, those words mean something, dysphoria means I'm feeling not right, based on something that is not necessarily acknowledged by everyone, right? That's a really imperfect definition of dysphoria. But really, it's just being highly, highly sensitive to and reactive to real or perceived rejection. But that's not a super fun descriptive term, like twice as many words, I

    KC 17:25

    think this article talked about the word dysphoria, it says dysphoria is the Greek word meaning unbearable, its use emphasizes the severe physical and emotional pain suffered by people with RSD, when they encounter real or perceived rejection, criticism or teasing, the emotional intensity of RSD is described by my patients as a wound, the response is well beyond all proportion to the nature of the event that triggered it.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 17:47

    And so that's where I struggle, right, because who gets to judge whether it's out of proportion. And that's what that kind of what I was trying to capture. And that's much more elegant way of saying it is that my reaction is out of proportion for what's happening. When we start going down that road for some of the symptoms, I think and traits, we get into messy territory, not only who gets to determine whether it's out of proportion, but also, if you heard your name called 20,000 more times, by the time you're 18. Why would your fear of an anticipation of rejection be out of proportion? To me, that's a perfectly proportionate response. But you are highly sensitive.

    KC 18:26

    Yeah, like in proportion to what in proportion to the thing that just happened, or in proportion to your experience, your lifetime of experience, about what that means about you and what that message is about you. You know, what's interesting about all of this, is that, you know, at the beginning, I asked like, is there any research on this yet? And sometimes, like you said, well, all times like, the world of psychology moves faster than the science of psychology. And so, like, you can't say like, Well, if there's no research, then it's not valid, because again, it moves faster. But one of the things that I think people don't always appreciate about research, it's not just this like, well, we need a bunch of white men scientist to say it's real for it to be real. It's like when we do research, like No person is just their diagnosis, right? And so if we were to say, well, let's get a bunch of people with ADHD together, and like, see how prevalent this description of this thing called RSD is, well, that seems simple. But like, when's the last time you met somebody that had ADHD and no trauma, or no other diagnosis? So even if, you know, wow, 30% or 60% say they have this. Okay. But how do we know the RSD that they all have is stemming from the ADHD because, again, a lot of this sounds like stuff that comes up in bipolar. A lot of the stuff sounds like stuff that comes up and trauma. So you have to do so much research and so many different control groups and, you know, people that only have this one diagnosis and then of them like, what's their educational background? What's their emotional background? What's their race? What's their Right, like, you have to do so much of that, to make sure that the symptom you're looking at truly is only coming from this one disorder. And think about how impossible that is with how high the rates of comorbidity is between ADHD and other things.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 20:16

    Yeah, it's incredibly difficult. And I think if we look through an intersectional lens to, it probably is going to look and feel and be conceptualized in very radically different ways behaviorally, for a black American teenager, and a white 44 year old psychologist, lady, right. So my experience of that is going to be very different, because I also haven't had to hide and shift and mask other parts of myself that other people had. So this is also where to get a little nerdy for you for a second, where I think I really see people not grabbing or going to the qualitative research. And if you're if you don't haven't heard that term before, quantitative research is more when we're doing what we're talking about now. So we have control groups, we're trying to isolate variables we're trying to look at does this thing cause this thing? Qualitative research looks at storytelling and common factors and common experiences. It's a wonderful way to learn. It's it's highly scientific, it's highly rigorous, and we don't we just don't talk about it, I think enough in in regular media. So I wonder, and this is me wondering, because I haven't thought about it. I wonder if there is some, some data and more the qualitative area, I'm going to write that down.

    KC 21:34

    I did do like a cursory Google search to see if I could find any, you know, research data, the PubMed data and things like that. But maybe there's stuff out there that I just haven't found. So I'll leave that obviously, as an option. When you were talking about like, what could be the downside of over pathologizing? The rejection response is that, like, I know, for me, there were so many clinical interventions that went into both clinical interventions. And just like personal work that went into getting to a place where I don't feel like my world is ending when I feel rejected. And my own experience, I think, was too far in the other direction, where I was kind of made to feel as though like that is a personal failing and me like you're too sensitive, and you're not tough enough. And you need to get a grip, like get a grip. Now luckily, I mean, that wasn't the solution. Like that's how they pose the problem is like, you need to get a grip. But luckily, I had access to resources where I could work on like, Okay, this is trauma. Where's it coming from? How can I heal that trauma? How can I learn distress tolerance? How can I widen my window of tolerance? How can I hang on to myself in those moments? How can I work on some cognitive restructuring where I can talk to a friend and be like, Okay, this is what I'm telling myself. And they can either go like, yeah, that just happened or like, no, that sounds like you but and, like, I'm so grateful that I was able to work on that experience, so that I don't have to live that way every day. And I think back to your point is like, if that just gets classified as like, well, you know, that's just a thing, and it will never go away. It's like, I don't want people to feel like shame about having it or that it's some sort of like character failing. But at the same time, like, you don't want people to feel like they just have to live with this incredible pain.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 23:19

    And I do think that's where I have concerns about some of these. And there's other terms too, but that we use for these diagnoses, because they don't necessarily allow for the opportunity for growth. And we need that another thing we know about ADHD brains, in addition to the things that are kind of always going to be there is that our brains do continued while everyone's brains continued to grow and change. But some of the development of that frontal lobe lobe system is just delayed. So some of our treatment is ADHD, or is life is continuing, like literally growing up, yes, keep going. It's going to take us longer to find these regulatory strategies. And so if you tell someone who's eight, this is something you have in terms of RST, not ADHD, and that's it, there's nothing we can do. I wonder if there are opportunities to learn that we can survive some of these challenges, and that you can reach out and have support people that you can check with your friends, and they'll be honest with you, I wonder if we deprive them of that I didn't have access to any of that. I had to learn that as an adult.

    KC 24:22

    Well, and I think most people that I've heard use the term RSD are using it in I would literally say like 95% use it to describe oh my god, I'm not broken. This is a part of my experience. This is why it's so painful. I'm not weak or stupid or any of these things like I just have a pretty unique neurology, whether that is always innate, or whether that was environmentally shaped like whatever it is like this is the thing, this is why this is happening to me. Or maybe like this is why this is harder for me 5% of the time. I hear it used to say because the It is harder for me, for reasons that are not my control, I don't have to work that hard to address the impact it has on others. And that is just a human thing. Like we all don't, you know, it's hard to look at yourself, it's hard to take accountability. And I think that, like, you know, it takes a scalpel to really kind of draw that line between, like, I always, like, My example is always like, I am sometimes late to things because of my ADHD. And what I learned was, like, the proper place for it's okay, it's just my ADHD, that's something I tell myself, that's never something I told the person being impacted by me being late. Like, that's for me to not hate myself, to not feel shame. It's not for me, like that's to address my feelings of being upset at me, it's not to address your feelings of being upset at me.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 25:54

    Definitely forgot what I was going to tell you. And I love that this is like a real world example of like, some of the things that can happen when you have space to be authentic. But I was gonna say is that also does it mean that we're not allowed to reach out for support or ask for accommodations or let people know that we struggle with something, but I 100% agree with you that there is a balance point of what I tell myself. It's kind of like when we talk to kids about inside thoughts and outside thoughts and learning which are, which can make profound differences, I think for ourselves, but also our relationships, so that others feel comfortable to say when we have impacted them.

    KC 26:29

    And like feeling bad about something is also nuanced. Like, I don't feel like so for example, I was 30 minutes late to a really important podcast recording because when I read it, I read that season at 930 cet, not 930 at so I had the time, but whatever showed up 30 minutes late everyone's calling me. So I don't hate myself for that. I don't think that I'm a bad person. I know that has nothing to do with me being irresponsible, I still feel bad, that it impacted the people who were waiting for me and their day, like their day also matters. And so like, I think that that's the other like, fine point in there is like, I know, that's due to my disability. And I sometimes will communicate that to people, not because I want them to change their feelings of aggravation, but because I want them to know that I did not intend for them. I don't think I better than you I know your day is important. And sometimes that's part of the wound of someone being inconsiderate. And your mind is like they think that I don't matter. And I want you to know, like, I do think you matter. I do think your time is as important in mind. That's why I want you to know that this was a disability related, you know, flub not just me being entitled. And I think that it takes a lot of nuance to communicate that in a way that says, I want you to know that I do care. And I'm sorry. And not, you don't get to have feelings about this. And I don't have to address this.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 27:53

    I think even this particular part of our discussion really eliminates why talking about RSD is so hard because all of these different facets of the nuance and understanding. And I think what, what always kind of brings it home for me is that it for this particular experience. I don't know that we've quite gotten it yet. I don't know that we've quite nailed it. What is this thing? How is it? You know, happening conceptually, because it's so hard to talk about, there's all of these facets?

    KC 28:23

    Do you find that that's particularly hard when it comes to any symptom that primarily expresses itself? interpersonally? Yeah,

    Unknown Speaker 28:32

    that's a great point. I

    KC 28:32

    mean, like being late is kind of interpersonally. But I mean, like, you know, there's this RST, but then with borderline personality disorder, there's this, you know, maybe push and pull or being mean, or feeling, you know, what people would say it's being dramatic, somebody that maybe has PTSD, and that is showing up as anger, like you don't even like things that emotionally come into play. interpersonally. Like, I wonder if that's why it's so hard.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 28:56

    I agree. 100% I think that's how we arrive at the difficulty when we talk about things like weaponized incompetence. And why that's so hard to talk about, is because there's just this overlay. Anytime you have an exchange of communication in some way. It gets really hard. And I guess that's where a part of me always gets hesitant to label something boom, that oh, that's RSD. Because I think I know from my work and also my personal life, just because I'm so different than a lot of the people that I'm in relation to that it's just not that simple. As soon as we add the dynamics of someone else, everything gets murky, and we have to consider all of it.

    KC 29:34

    I think that's also what makes the large scale communication about these topics so difficult, just like personally as a content creator as an author. Because if I'm interacting with someone specifically, like I can ask enough questions to understand the nuances and then give a piece of insight or a statement or whatever. But what usually happens when I'm making content about something like let's say I make it about RST at And, you know, you'll have this person, or this huge group of people that will be like, you know, I'm a good person, and I try so hard to love the people well, and I feel so deeply ashamed that I can't live up to the neurotypical standards. And the people around me are always telling me that, you know, I'm not good enough, because I can't do this. And thinking that my inability to regulate emotionally like everybody else is due to me being bratty or not caring. And it's like, that's so painful. And so you want to talk to that about like, this is not a moral failing. This is this is a disability to death. But for every group of people in that bucket, you have a group of people in a bucket going, yeah, like, my husband, or my partner, or my friend, or my parent, was a horrible fucking person, and either abused me or mistreated me or constantly hurt me in some way, and refused to take accountability, because they had fill in the blank of whatever disability it is. And it makes it difficult to talk in general terms about the two competing truths of like, disability is not a moral failing. And it's not an excuse to mistreat people. Yeah, I think it's one of, and that's an easy thing to say out loud. But if you go any further than that, you know, there's no other sentence, you could say, except for that one, before you feel like the people who were married to an abuser that had a disability or being discounted, or the people that were always demonized for having this disability feel discounted, and it makes it a really weird, hard line to walk.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 31:32

    It does. And I think the most common response that I get when I also make content like that, or have discussions like that is well then how do I know the difference? And the fact that there is no answer for that? How do I know if I have RSD? How do I know if I have sensory dysfunction due to this? Because we're all actual, like human blobs, and we have all of this stuff going on? It's incredibly hard to give that answer, especially in these kind of short sound, by the ways. And I think when you're someone say you're in my position, it's so easy to talk about the nuance when you're someone who is consuming that content because they are in daily pain. It is very hard to hear, I think, I don't know, I don't know, you would have to look at the entirety of your relationship, you would have to compare it to this. So I understand the frustration. And I wish it was simpler than it is.

    KC 32:23

    Yeah. Well, Leslie, we are at time. And I can't tell you how great of a conversation this is. It's always a great conversation. With all of the pre planning that I've been doing. It tickles me pink to have somebody that I can schedule a podcast episode with and not even tell them what the topic is going to be. I myself thought of the topic about 15 minutes before I logged on, because I was like, Wait, have we not talked about a topic? But this has been great. You want to tell people where they can find you if they want to hear some of your sound bits, wisdom of sound bits, sound bits of wisdom. Yeah.

    Dr. Lesley Cook 32:51

    I don't know about the wisdom. But I've got lots of sound bits right now. I'm just on the tick tock at Leslie society. So it's le SLEYPSY Be

    KC 33:00

    nice. Thank you so much. Thank you

Christy Haussler
105: BEST OF: Self-Esteem Sucks. You need Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff

🌟 Taking a Break! 🌟

Hey everyone! I am taking a short break for August to recharge and prepare exciting new content for you. I’ll be back in September with fresh episodes and engaging conversations. Thanks for your support and patience. Stay tuned for what’s coming next!

I’m excited about today’s guest because she has had a huge influence on me. I can confidently say that finding her research on self-compassion was a turning point in my healing journey. Do you need more self-compassion? Join us to learn more!

Dr. Kristin Neff is a renowned psychologist, self-care researcher, and author. Her work has had a profound impact on the field of psychology and has helped countless people cultivate self-acceptance and resilience. 

Show Highlights:

  • How self-compassion became Dr. Kristin’s main area of research

  • Understanding self-esteem vs. self-compassion

  • The three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness

  • How self-esteem creates comparison and social disconnection by being conditional and unstable

  • How self-compassion gives the gift of authenticity

  • The difference between fierce self-compassion and tender self-compassion

  • How self-compassion helps us get past our shame

  • Why self-compassion doesn’t mean indulgence

  • Pathways and blocks to self-compassion

  • The connection between self-compassion and psychological functioning

  • How self-compassion helps when we fail and make mistakes

  • Why the goal of practicing self-compassion is to be simply a compassionate mess who is completely human

  • Why the practice of self-compassion has to start small with baby steps of warmth and support (What would you say to a friend?)

  • A look at Dr. Kristin’s latest book, Fierce Self-Compassion

  • How anger fits into self-compassion

Resources and Links:

Connect with Dr. Kristin and find many helpful resources: Website

Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes

  • KC Davis 0:05

    Hello, you sentient balls of stardust, this is Struggle Care, the self care podcast by a host that hates the term self care. And today I have a guest that I'm really excited about Dr. Kristin Neff, thank you so much for being here today.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 0:17

    Oh, thank you, KC, happy to be here.

    KC Davis 0:18

    I have to admit that I have been a little under the weather for like three days. And I was like, no matter what, I will not miss this recording. Okay, so the reason why I wanted to ask you to come on the podcast is because you have been such a huge influence on me, when you talk about self compassion, and the research behind it, that was a real turning point for me in really starting to heal and grow and get better in a way that sort of leaned me out of the self improvement kind of genre of getting better and more into the actual healing of feeling better. And so I wanted to ask you, how did self compassion become your main area of focus in your research?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 1:06

    Well, for me, it also started as a personal practice, I needed self compassion, I was a mess. I you know, I didn't invent the idea. I learned about self compassion when I first learned about mindfulness meditation. And it just made such a powerful difference to me, I was going through a very stressful time, and I started being more kind of supportive to myself. And I saw that the immediate difference it made, and this was when I was actually my last year of graduate school. And then I did two years of postdoctoral study with one of the country's leading self esteem researchers and I studied self concept development. And I started to see how we can come back to this how self compassion didn't have some of the problems associated with the need for high self esteem, that kind of endless treadmill of self improvement. So when I got to UT Austin, where I still am, I kind of thought, well, no one's really researched this before. But heck, they can study self esteem, they can study self compassion. So I started researching it, you know, really shortly after I got there about around 2000. And I'm just so blown away by not only how beneficial it is, but the applications just so many areas of life life, I mean, basically any area of life in which there's suffering or struggle with, there's a lot, it's irrelevant. So very quickly, it just became my life's work, I became devoted not only to research unit for the last 10 years, figuring out how to teach other people to practice being more self compassionate, because it's not just an idea. It's not just like a trait that some people have. And some people don't, it really is a practice, anyone can learn.

    KC Davis 2:37

    So how would you define self compassion, and then I also am curious how you would define self esteem because I feel like most of us, I mean, I grew up, I was one of the 80s, kind of a 90s kid. And I feel like a lot of the self help world when I was sort of growing up, and even today was this heavy focus on self esteem. I remember going through rehab at 16. And doing all these treatment assignments about self esteem, I remember having to look in the mirror and say, I am okay today. And people like me, and I write like giving myself these positive affirmations. And I remember thinking, this is not working. I do not believe these things. So can you tell us what the difference is?

    Yeah. So let me start by defining what self compassion is, and then I'll come back to self esteem. So self compassion is really just like compassion for others. You know, the Lenten compassion being with suffering, how are we with the tough stuff, whether that suffering comes from, you know, your hurricane, or COVID, or something difficult happens externally, or you're suffering because you feel you aren't good enough, or you've made a mistake, or you feel like a failure of those types of sources. And really, just like we work with a friend, we naturally be warm and supportive. When our friends hopefully for good friend, they say they're having a hard time we're present for them, we listen, we pay attention to them. And also the difference between compassion and pity is, hey, I've been there. It's inherently connected stance. It's not like I feel sorry for myself, or I feel sorry for you. It's just recognizing that everyone struggles, everyone's imperfect. That's what human life means, really. And so those are the three components mindfulness, being aware of difficulty, common humanity, recognizing this, this is shared and kindness, warmth, support. So the thing about self compassion is it's really unconditional in the sense that it's there for us. You know, we can be kind of supportive towards yourself when things are going well. But we're also especially kind of supportive towards yourself when things aren't going well. The difference between self esteem and self compassion, as you might say, self compassion is a stable unconditional friend. Self esteem is pretty much a fairweather friend. Right. So what do I mean by self esteem? It's important to define our terms. I'm referring to a positive judgment or evaluation of self like, I'm good are people like me? I'm great. These are positive judgments and values, you know, good as opposed to bad. So the thing about self esteem is that, and nothing wrong with having self esteem, it's actually psychologically better to delight yourself than to hate yourself. The problem is that it's contingent, it depends. Again, it's unstable. So typically, it depends on first of all feeling special and above average, it's not okay to be average, if I said, KC, yeah, your podcast is pretty average. Admit it, you feel hurt, right, I would feel hurt. You said Kristin, your work is pretty average. It's not okay to be average in our society, which means that technically, if we asked to be above average, it's technically, impossible for us to all have high self esteem at the same time. So we're setting ourselves up also in the sort of comparison, like is that person better than me, you're smarter than me or more attractive to be whatever it is. And that can create social disconnection, for instance, and we know one of the reasons kids start to bully others is to raise their self esteem. I'm the cool kid, you're the nerdy kid, I'm picking on you, I've got more power compared to you, that raises my self esteem. So that's a problem. Really big problem is that it's contingent on success, whatever we value, and so usually, what we value for our self esteem is social approval. Like you said, other people like me, well, that's great when they like you, but what happens when they don't like you? And how are you going to be authentic? If your self esteem is totally dependent on whether or not they like you, right? Or how we look? Actually for men and woman perceived attractiveness is huge. What happens when you start getting older or you know, you don't look the way the supermodels? Look, you don't have the filter on your camera when you post it on Instagram, right? Your self esteem takes a hit. And then also performance, right? So we have high self esteem when we succeed for what happens when we fail or make a mistake. We feel badly about ourselves. So the difference with self compassion is when we make a mistake, or other people don't like us, or you know, we're feeling inadequate in some way. That's precisely when we give ourselves compassion. Oh, well, it's only human to make mistakes. What can I learn from this? Right? Okay, so I'm imperfect. That's part of being human. That's okay. Whoever said I was supposed to be perfect. Other people don't like me sometimes. Ouch that hurt. Well, can I like myself, at least, you know, do I really want to twist myself to contort to meet other people's expectations if it's not true to me. So those are the types of difference. So just to show you one study I did on comparing self esteem and self compassion, we found that the stability of self worth the both forms of self worth, but self compassion is unconditional, because I'm a flawed human being, self esteem is usually conditional, because I'm the way I want to be or because other people like me, or because I'm better than others. So the self worth linked to self compassion was my first stable over time that the self is worth that comes from self esteem.

    That makes me think, also, when you talk about self esteem, being sort of contingent on how you are in comparison to others, or how others think of you, that's not always lined up with your actual values, like people can like you for the wrong reasons and hate you for the right reasons. And and so it that makes it even more turbulent?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 7:54

    And that absolutely, yeah, so one of the biggest findings of the research is self compassion is linked to authenticity, right? You know what some of the feedback powers your self compassion practice helped me personally? Well, I'm still very flawed, I still got a lot of problems, but I'm authentically flag, who I am. Because my self worth is contingent on other people liking me. And that's one of the gifts that gives you you can be your true self. And also, by the way, it doesn't mean some people think it means you're complacent, you aren't going to try to change or improve. That's not the case at all. It's why do you want to improve, I want to improve not to be acceptable as am I'm already acceptable. I want to improve because I care about myself, and I don't want to keep suffering and causing problems with myself and others. And what that does is when it's safe to fail and make mistakes, that means I can actually learn from them. If I'm just full of shame, Oh, I'm such a failure. Everyone hates me. It's not exactly conducive mindset to like, figure out what happened or try to learn from the situation or try again. So it's actually a better motivator is more effective motivator than the motivator of shame or self criticism.

    KC Davis 8:59

    I'm so glad you said that. Because when I talk online, and so you know, my focus is mainly on how people care for their homes and their self in periods of struggle. And one of the major push backs I get is, well, if I'm being compassionate towards myself, when my house is a mess, and everything is dirty, and I'm not really caring for myself, like, won't that just enable me just give me permission to stay stuck? And it's interesting, because in my own experience, it's the opposite. There's nothing more motivating than real self compassion.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 9:31

    Yeah, we know that empirically. So here's the difference. So I like to turn these fierce and tender self compassion, tender self compassion is about unconditional self acceptance. It's also about accepting the fact that life's imperfect, we have difficult emotions. It's kind of the acceptance of the imperfection of life. Fear self compassion is about taking action, right? What can we do in terms of our behaviors and our situations not to suffer? So even while unconditionally accepting yourself and the fact that your house is a mess doesn't mean that you're less worthy person because it that your house was mess, you don't have to identify with it. But if your house being a mess is causing you suffering, if it's making you harder for you to, you know, relax or to get things done, or it's actually causing stress in your life, then it's actually not helping you. So compassion is about the alleviation of suffering, right. So if you're doing things that are causing suffering, like the way you live, or something's causing you suffering, it's not compassionate to let it slide. But it's aimed at our behaviors and our situations, we need to try to change our behaviors and our situations, to maximize well being at the same time that we as people are worth is like, given the fact that we are at imperfect human being is all we need. That's the only bar we need to check to be worthy of compassion, which remember is kindness and support. It doesn't mean you know, maybe you aren't doing things, right. It's not fake, because you don't say, oh, Kristin, you're great. Actually, Kristin, and this has happened. That was a really unkind thing. You said, that really hurt that person's feelings, that self compassion now saying, and you're terrible, horrible person, I hate you. That's not self compassion. But saying, Kristin, you said, what you just said was really unkind. Pay, I understand your stress is only human, it happens sometimes. But this person is hurting, what can we do to try to repair the situation. So for instance, we find that self compassionate people are more able to take responsibility for their mistakes or things they do, because it's safe to do so. And they're more willing to try to repair them again, because you have the emotional resource to do so.

    KC Davis 11:34

    So I want to take a short break here. And then when we come back, I want to talk about that word tender.

    Okay, we're back with Dr. Kristin Neff. I love that word tender. Because what I was trained to be a therapist, we talked a lot about this term, unconditional positive regard that we're supposed to have for our clients. And when I heard you use that word tender, something kind of switched for me when I realized that when I am compassionate towards myself, it's not necessarily an unconditional positive regard, because sometimes I haven't done something positive, but it's an unconditionally tender regard. Because if that connected

    Dr. Kristin Neff 12:14

    conditionally positive evaluation, but to the extent that warmth and kindness is a positive emotion, which it is, it is positive, right, really good analogy, I think an intuitive one is an ideally compassionate parent, you know, most of us are not ideally, compassion raised by them. But if you imagine an ideally compassionate parent, that parent loves their child unconditionally, when their child fails, does something wrong, just mean hurtful. The bottom line is I love you, I'm here for you, right? But a compassionate parent doesn't stop there. A compassionate parent wouldn't say, oh, that's fine, get all this, skip school, use drugs, whenever you know, don't worry about it. That's not because that's causing their child's suffering. A compassionate parent is I care about you? How can I help sometimes it may be kind of tough drawing boundaries, listen is really important that you follow these rules. Because if you don't follow these rules, you aren't gonna learn the skills you need to get by in life. You know, that is true love. And the same thing with ourselves. Complacency is not caring for ourselves, it's actually undermining ourselves. But shame and self hatred is also undermining ourselves. So we can combine unconditional warm support, being there for ourselves with some real hard honestly, this really needs to change. It's not working for me, you know, if I want to be happy, if I don't want to suffer, I gotta either me, I have to change or my situation. So fear, self compassion is also I think, for instance, the Black Lives Matter movement, or the me to movement. These are pure Self Compassion movements, when people rise up and say, Hey, this, you can't treat me this way. I'm valuable, you know, this, this situation is wrong, or maybe your work situation, you're being treated unfairly. Or maybe you're in a relationship where you're not being treated well, part of self compassion is taking action against either behaviors, yours or others, or situations to try to engender wellbeing and alleviate suffering,

    KC Davis 14:03

    When I find that when self esteem is sort of the measure, and there's a lot of shame involved, people can't be accountable, because when that truth is being brought to them about something that's either not going right or something they've done, that's harmful, they can't get unless you can get to a place I don't even know how to it's like, We're such social creatures, that when I'm feeling the social rejection, that is the only thing I can feel. It's the only thing I'm preoccupied with. And it's the only literally my fight or flight kicks in and goes I have to find out how to be acceptable again. And when that's happening, I'm inherently centering me. And I'm not even able to look or be accountable to the thing that I might have done.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 14:46

    Exactly. Shame is incredibly self focused. I mean, it's human. It's natural. It's we evolved to feel shame, but it's so self focused and it shuts down our ability to learn. When we're flooded with shame. We actually can't learn from our mistakes all we can

    Do is like hide in a corner and say I'm so terrible, please don't hate me. And again, shame still rises for me because it is actually evolutionary emotion. So shame arises and like, okay, human beings feel shame, that's okay, this hurts. How can I help myself in the moment, you know, and often helping yourself in the moment means, well, maybe I need to apologize, maybe I need to do something different. But here's the thing, some sources of shame are from social injustice, prejudice. So for instance, we've done a lot of research with teens who are, you know, LGBT plus community, who are shamed all the time. So in that case, it's like, screw you shame, I'm not going to buy into this message perfectly wonderful, just as I am. So but you know, if the shame, like my case, did say something mean to someone, then the shame was playing a function and saying, Hey, Kristen, who, you know, that was not good. And then I can move on from there. If we get stuck in it, that's when it really holds us back.

    KC Davis 15:55

    Yeah, I remember having these feelings when I first entered rehab, and people would try to help myself low self worth, by saying things like, oh, but you're so pretty, and you're so smart. And you're so these things. And there's this real sense of, you know, no matter how many good attributes you try to ascribe to me, I have this sense of if you only knew, and I think that's where that authenticity comes into place, because it really felt like it will not penetrate my heart and make any difference, unless I'm being fully known by that person. And it wasn't until I was able to get authentic and honest, and let everybody see kind of all of the ugly insides, then receive that sort of compassion from others that I was in a place to actually hear. And here are some issues that we may want to look at KC?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 16:45

    Absolutely. You know, and the slight problem with that, although it's natural is that we don't want our compassion to be contingent, either. Everyone, you know, people in prison are people who've made horrible mistakes of their life, they're worthy of compassion as well. All human beings are worthy of compassion, right? Something that's an intrinsic human right, compassion. Again, that doesn't mean indulgence. That doesn't mean letting you get you know, what you do for people to try to help society or help them is a different issue. But our worth isn't dependent on our attributes, you know, and also, these are attributes are constantly changing, right? We all get older, I'm getting older. Now I'm seeing that one, you know, we go up and down, none of this is really stable. The only thing stable is that, at least in the course of our lifetime, is that we are aware human beings who are experiencing life, and that's actually the source of compassion. And you know, you could get spiritual on this, if you want it, I have no problem going there. And it's not like generated by our small cells, it's part of being a part of this larger interconnected universe. You know, we're one in many ways, we're all part of this larger, interdependent whole. So our worth comes from being part of this larger, independent whole, it's supposed to be ego based, like, because I went to grad school. And because I did this right look a certain way. That's where my worth comes from egocentric way of looking at it, do you think that in order to have self compassion, you have to be able to humanize others first, like if you're sort of seeing others, as if you're being really harshly judgmental to others, if you're having to kind of push others down to push yourself up, if you've got whether it's internal bias, or all these things, like I imagined it would be hard to extend yourself the grace and compassion that you're not extending to others or that you believe others don't? Because if they don't deserve it, then how could I deserve it? Yeah, so there's a lot of pathways to compassion and a lot of different blocks to compassion, I, from what my understanding, also with my research, it's not like some people say, you have to have compassion for yourself before you can have compassion for others. That doesn't seem to be true. A lot of people are very compassionate to others. And that oneself, I wouldn't necessarily say that you have to be compassionate for others before yourself, either, because there are probably some people who, whatever reason connect with their own experience and not those of others. So I wouldn't say there's a halfway but some of the principles are the same, the principles of understanding the nature of humanity, and the fact that, you know, we aren't totally in control of our actions, we do our best, but there's so many causes and conditions, you know, culture, history, genetics, environment, so many things that are out of our control, even our thoughts. I mean, how good are you at controlling your thoughts, you know? Exactly. Right. So so many things that are out of our control, understanding principles like that definitely help foster compassion. For some people that's the doorway in is because they can see it with others, they might be able to then make a U turn and do it for themselves. Yeah, I wouldn't be comfortable saying it has to be the case. But what we do knows when you learn to be more self compassionate, it does increase compassion for others, because again, we're understanding the bigger picture of our shared humanity, but it also does big time is actually gives us the

    resources to care for others. Not everyone, but most people are pretty compassionate and caring to others and not to themselves. But what happens is they burn out, they give and they give, and they give. And you know, they always say yes to other people, and they're always trying to help others. And they're, they deny themselves, they don't meet their own needs. And eventually, their cup runs dry. So um, self compassion is very good for decreasing caregiver burnout.

    KC Davis 20:22

    So somebody asked you that you published a lot of research on the connection between self compassion and psychological functioning. I think a lot of people see things like self compassion, I think that's nice. And people should feel nice about themselves. But they don't necessarily understand that it's not just a nice thing to teach people that it actually helps them raise their psychological level of functioning, that it actually can be a way of them getting better and feeling better, and sort of that, you know, the high tide that raises all ships. Can you talk some about that connection?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 20:57

    Yeah. So again, if you think of the word compassion with suffering, how are we with suffering, right, and it's usually the suffering the painful emotions of painful thoughts that derails us psychologically might lead to things like addiction, or suicidal ideation, or eating disorders, or depression or anxiety, because when difficult feelings or thoughts or situations arise, we get overwhelmed by them, we aren't able to cope effectively with and we get overwhelmed. And we're still just trying to cope by whatever means necessary. We're just trying to survive. And so by having a resource, which is warmth, care, support, kindness, what can I do to help kind of unconditional self acceptance, but also that realizing that maybe, how can I change that in a way that's helpful and supportive? That resource is, first of all, you might call it a type of emotion regulation, because it helps us being so overwhelmed by the difficulty. It also is a form of resilience, we might call it a form of resilience and coping. It's huge, right? It's not just good feelings, it's a way of approaching difficulty. In fact, sometimes it doesn't feel good at all, you know, it's really allowed opening to the incredible pain and grief and distress and all the difficult stuff, we open to it, we don't sugarcoat it. But we do open to it's love. And it's the love the warmth, that's actually the strength that helps us get through it. In fact, I think if you don't do it, if you just kind of grin and bear it or just shut down, you can function but it's going to come back to get your body's going to start holding all the trauma you experienced in your processing it. One of the things the ability to open to pain with warmth allows us to process difficult emotions, so they aren't stuck in our body so that we can work through them. So we can kind of integrate them in our understanding of ourselves in the world. If we don't, that all that stuff just gets stuck gets shoved in Eskalene. Things like heart attacks or you know, physical problems are coming back and like dramatic we're experiencing from my point of view, self compassion is really essential to leading a healthy life. And we're also showing that it's like basically, marker of good therapy, doesn't matter what type of therapy you use. If it's good therapy, it's gonna raise yourself compassion. It's kind of like what it is, is how do I can I relate to difficulty suffering stress difficult does in a way that that helps whether the harms is kind of like self evident, from my point of view at both course, we want to do that. Why don't we? Okay, so when we come back from the short break, I'm going to ask you a series of sort of negative messages and talk about the difference about what would that look like from a self esteem standpoint versus a self compassion standpoint?

    KC Davis 23:37

    Okay, so the idea being that, let's say that I'm going about my day, and I make a mistake at work. And the first thing that comes to my mind is me going, Oh, I'm so stupid. I think when we come from like a self esteem perspective, we're often told that the way to combat that is to go no, you're smart. When it's like, well, but in that moment, like I wasn't, that was actually me not being able to think through something or that was actually a mistake that I made. And so I think that's why for so many people that often feels really hollow as a response, like, What do you mean, replace the negative messages with positive ones? I don't believe that I'm smart. I made a stupid mistake. But what would self compassion sound like in that moment?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 24:21

    Yeah, so certainly is not positive thinking anyway, that falls flat. You don't say I am smart. There's a couple things you can do. First of all, one of the things about self compassion is remember, it's kind of separating ourselves from our behaviors or the situations. So yeah, it was a stupid mistake. It doesn't mean that you're stupid. It also doesn't mean you're not stupid. In a way the kind of what you are is irrelevant. Right? Because you are a human being who did the best you could in the moment, but there might be a way you could do better next time, right? So it'd be like okay, that behavior was not good. It didn't work out right. Maybe it was a stupid mistake, but me

    First thing you do is give yourself tender compassion for the pain of that, oh, oh, man, that hurts. I feel ashamed. I regret it. Ouch. So you kind of where you're with your pain of that you kind of hold it, give yourself some space, some comfort, you know, everyone makes mistakes. It's okay. But that's like step one. And then okay, well, that didn't work out. So could I do differently next time that might be more effective. This is how we learn mistakes. And again, even if we do it more effectively next time, it's not because that'll make us a good person. We're already flawed human being is okay, who we are. But we want not to make mistakes, because it helps us to be happy and healthy. And whatever our goals are, it helps them to achieve them right or do well at work, whatever our goal is. So it's really, really separating our worth is people from our behaviors and the situations we find ourselves in another thing, self compassion, because compassion, I'm just complexity, you know, understanding of the causes or conditions. It's also we have lots of parts of ourselves, the part of myself that made that decision maybe wasn't working that well. But maybe there was another voice or another part of myself that wasn't engaged. So instead of saying, I am bad, or I am good, it's like, well, first of all, I have a lot of different parts, and they're neither bad nor good. There's just some of them are effective or skillful or aren't effective, or skillfulness. Focus on what our behaviors are, what gets manifested. Our intrinsic worth is unquestioned. That's the bottom line of self compassion. All human beings, no matter what they do any awareness, you know, and if you think of the thoughts in your head are different than the thoughts in my head, but as your awareness different than my awareness, that's an open question.

    KC Davis 26:36

    Well, I think it's important to say that we don't have to believe that we're worthy to treat ourselves with compassion, like it's actually not a prerequisite, like, there's a lot of people that don't believe they're worthy, but you actually like, you can still treat yourself as if you are like, there's no like worthiness police, can I bust down the door be like, no, no, no.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 26:54

    Well, and the thing is, you have to ask yourself, when a baby is born, do they have to, like, get their high school degree? Or what's a GED enough to be worthy? I mean, right. So it's like, there's something intrinsic to being a human being who's aware is where the worthiness comes from. Now, for people who were treated by their parents is that they weren't worthy of kindness or compassion. It can be scary to have self compassion and can be difficult. But there's even a term we have for it called Backdraft. It's like when I give myself unconditional love, I immediately remember all the conditions under which I was unloved. And that could come up. And so that's something else we have to have compassion for, you know, it's natural doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, and actually means you're opening to the pain so that it can be healed, right? It has to be dealt with. It's totally natural. But yeah, it's really the thing about compassion is it's not self focused. It's really not about me as an individual. It's about life, the human experience, which is again, which is intrinsically worthy of compassion. As long as you're a flawed human being. That's the only checkbox you have to check to be worthy of compassion can take a while, because we aren't taught that. But again, as you act that way, eventually, there's a part of you who will start to be able to see that oh, yeah, that's right. I'm a flawed human being doing the best I can.

    KC Davis 28:14

    I talked to my book about my sort of journey with self affirmations and how they always felt like someone was just asking me to believe in Santa Claus, and you can't really make yourself believe something,

    Dr. Kristin Neff 28:23

    by the way, you aren't getting stronger every day. I'm not I'm fifth year, that's the truth. The only one that ever really worked was when I finally started saying to myself, I'm allowed to be human. Yes, exactly. That's the truth. One of the sayings we have in the self compassion world is the goal of practice is simply to be a compassionate mess, right? So you will still be a mess. I've been practicing for 30 years now I'm still making mistakes, but I have a compassionate mess. So your goal is chess, just from getting it right to be getting it opening your heart that starts to become your goal. And then when your hearts open, even when things are painful, your heart open, feels good, you feel connected to all of life feels good, that actually becomes your primary goal. This mean you don't even give up on all the other stuff as well. But it's not as important. The point is not to perfect ourselves, but to perfect our love, you know, and that when once you you shift your aim in that way, then things are much more workable, much more doable. You are human. Yeah. Whenever people ask me, you know, I've been trying self compassion, and I'm just not very good at it. What do I always say? Well, I mean, then you can just have self compassion about how hard self compassion is. Absolutely. You start where you are. That's actually often when I say to people, what's your current source of struggle? I feel so frustrated because I can't seem to practice self compassion. Well, what if a good friend came to you and said that would you say us cuz you're stupid idiot. Just give up? No, you probably say, Well, of course, it's hard. You know, you're given your history and it's challenging and you know, you just take it day by day and

    KC Davis 30:00

    So that type of warmth and support you can give toward anything, including how hard it is sometimes to practice self compassion, but you can also start small, you're just a baby step, you're just like, ah, you know, just kind of like a little bit, just a little more arms and get your foot in the door. And then you build on that little bit of warmth, that little bit of understanding, having a tiny bit of patience for some people path is, you know, you walk a little slowly, but you might go farther, right? So it's just about taking it moment by moment, trying to approach each moment with warmth, that sense of support, how can I help myself in this moment?

    One of the things that that I'm thinking about is, because we talk a lot about, you know, what would a friend say? What would a friend say? And it's made me when I say to a friend, yeah, what would I say to a friend, it's really made me realize how much even that is something we sometimes have to learn. Because for so much of my life, I would say to a friend, no, you're smart, and beautiful. And there's nothing wrong with you. And you. And I had to learn how to just hold space for a friend and say, yeah, yeah, maybe it was a fail, I fail two people fail, it doesn't change that I love you. It doesn't change. Failure, you fail doesn't mean you are a failure. Like you have to sum up the whole your entire worth is a failure. But I think it's powerful that it whether we're applying it to ourselves, or trying to have compassion to others, sometimes we really haven't raised with the belief that it's about fixing it. It's about convincing, it's something entirely different.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 31:27

    Yeah, you know, it's both right. So that's why you have to talk about the fierce of the tender. My new book is called fierce self compassion, because people get a little confused. We don't need to fix ourselves, we are fully worthy as we are. But some of our behaviors and our situations can use a little work, and that we need to honor that. Because if we don't, that's not helping either. So it's really disentangling our worth is people from some of our behaviors or situations which, and you know, again, we just do the best we can, they aren't going to be perfect. And that's okay. But we still try. And of course, as Carl Rogers said, the curious paradox is the more I accept myself, the more I can change, right, because it gives us the emotional resources to try to make effective I love the idea of fierce self compassion, and what that means about anger and women. Because I feel like as women, we've been told that anger is not okay to have. And that anger is a result of sort of maybe being unhealthy or not being at peace. When self fear self compassion really reframes what that anger is about, like, you shouldn't be angry, if you're being abused, you should be angry if other people are being abused. Yeah. So it's simple to say is that so simple to do, but simple to understand is, when anger is aimed at alleviating suffering, it's helpful. And when anger causes suffering, it's not helpful, right. And so if someone attacks my child, you better believe I'm gonna get angry. And that anger is involved emotion, that's going to give me a lot of things, it's going to focus me, it's going to energize me, it's gonna allow me to be brave, it's going to reduce the fear response, so that I can protect my child, you know that anger is really useful in the moment, but it's aimed at alleviating suffering. Now, if the person who you know, maybe, so maybe I stand up to that person, but once it starts getting personal, and I start, like getting angry at people, and kind of dehumanizing them, or harming them in some way that it's no longer helpful, but it has a role, it can be harnessed, we need to harness it for the alleviation of suffering. But if we just cut it out, if we suppress it, if we say we don't have it, well, that disempowers us because anger is, is an important source of power, when it's harnessed and channeled correctly. And actually easier said than done, I still struggle. But it is something we don't want to reject. We want to embrace,

    KC Davis 33:45

    I can imagine that if you're caught up in a self esteem sort of rat race where you have to be above others, anger becomes your weapon to push others down to push others away, to tear them down, because that's the only way that you can feel good. But if you've been practicing self compassion, I imagine it's a lot easier to let anger be your advocate, instead of you know, harming people.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 34:06

    Yeah, well, also, when you accept this part of yourself, you know, there's nothing wrong with this part of yourself. In fact, it's very useful. Again, this is the button it is a big butt because what happens we're angry is we just forget I mean, carried away. So it is challenging, right to work with, I'm not going to pretend it's not I struggle, but it definitely has a role, especially when it comes to standing up to injustice. Because what happens as we can see the tender and the fierce need to be imbalanced for two fears of a really angry, we have no tender acceptance of ourselves or others, then that's not good. But if we're too accepting, and we, you know, is no fierceness, then that's not good for ourselves for others, right. So it's really the balance. It's much, you know, will fall off balance. We try to reintegrate and it's a process. It's not like an end point we get to finally, that's really great.

    KC Davis 34:55

    Well, I really appreciate the time that you've taken. It's this is a topic that is something that we could talk about for hours. But if people wanted to know more about self compassion, where could they go to read your books and learn more from you?

    Dr. Kristin Neff 35:08

    Well, easiest place to start is if you Google self compassion, you'll find my website self compassion.org. You can take a self compassion test, you can read research hundreds of articles on there by a lots of different researchers. There's a guided practice, I've got videos, things you can read. And then you can also links to order by books. I've got four at this point. So and some of them are practice based, some of them are more just kind of talking about my own journey with self compassion.

    KC Davis 35:34

    Awesome. Well, thank you so much, and I appreciate every bit of it.

    Dr. Kristin Neff 35:39

    Thank You will KC It was fun talking to you

Christy Haussler