28: The Magic of the Wash & Set with Heidi Smith, LPCS
Small things can make all the difference, and each person gets to decide for themselves what those little steps are that uplift our spirits and lighten our load. These little things are NOT the same for everyone! A simple thing, like having her hair washed and styled twice weekly, helps energize today’s guest and makes her feel that she can take on the world–and she doesn’t need to make excuses for it. Join us to hear my conversation with Heidi Smith.
Show Highlights:
How Heidi decided that having someone “do her hair” twice each week is a BIG deal for her mental health
Why we have to decide for ourselves how to spend our emotional energy, which is in limited supply
Why it is ridiculous that women put so much pressure on themselves to be presentable because of external motivation
Why our self-care routines should serve us and have a place in our functionality
How parenting responsibilities evolved for Heidi to finally allow her to take time for yourself
Why the best advice around self-care tasks is to find what works best for YOU
Resources:
Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website
Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning
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KC Davis 0:05
Hello, you sentient balls of stardust. Welcome to Struggle Care. I'm your host, KC Davis. And I have a very special guest in the virtual office today. And her name is Heidi Smith. If you've read my book, if you read the acknowledgments, you will have seen her name, she was my therapy supervisor, and has now become one of my best friends. And so hello, Heidi.
Heidi Smith 0:24
Hello, thank you for having me.
KC Davis 0:26
I'm glad you're here. So I have so many things I want to talk about today. But I want to start off with the text that you sent me the other day about how you're getting your hair done. Now, tell me about it.
Heidi Smith 0:36
It's true. So it's funny, because I'm actually so a lot of your model, sometimes I feel like doesn't like totally apply to me, just because I don't struggle in some of the ways I think that a lot of that you do and some of your other like, I'm a very organized type of a person who loves cleanliness and things like that. So there's lots of things that sometimes I'm like, Huh, that's not really my struggle. But I've been sourcing your model when it comes to my hair. So somehow, in the last maybe five years, I have gotten this new struggle. And I always feel like it's like a sensory issue with washing my hair. And so I have been, I've kind of adopted this new thing where I don't wash my hair. And it's like, the whole thing is super overwhelming to me, I will avoid, I'll take a bath. But like if I have to get in the shower and get my head wet, and sopping wet, and start the whole process all over, it feels very overwhelming to me, I don't like how it feels, I don't like starting from scratch. I can't stand like trying to fix my hair, I'm not good at it. I'm not like a person who knows how to like round brush, dry my hair, the whole thing is just super overwhelming to me. And what the result of that is, is that I just don't do it. And then I have disgusting hair. And then I'm trying to you know, throw some dry shampoo on it. And then it turns it's like the Friends episode where like it turns into a paste. I feel like the flour and the oil turns into a paste. And it's just not good. So there is a little walk in hair salon right next to my grocery store that I go to regularly and I stopped in one day and asked if I could get a wash and dry. And it was amazing. I left and my hair was like lovely and clean and bouncy. And I asked them if I could come in every Wednesday and Saturday like it a very specific time where I have kind of a window of opening in my schedule. And I go every Wednesday and Saturday, I pay $20 And I get my hair washed and dried. And I felt so much shame like that. Maybe that was very well lazy of me. And also very maybe like pointy TOIDY I don't know if that's the right word. You know, like,
KC Davis 2:54
oh, it was bougie have you to spend $20 to get
Heidi Smith 2:57
Yeah, bougie Yeah, like, I'm going to get my hair like, you know, set. But I sourced I like sat in the car and I sourced Casey Davis and I just thought like, she'd be real proud of me. This is like Casey's thing. And so I texted you and told you about it. And I am just real proud.
KC Davis 3:15
I mean, I am so proud of you. It's really like it's out seems like kind of a dumb
Heidi Smith 3:19
small thing. But like it's kind of changed my life because I feel nice. Most days like I feel like my hair is like presentable. Whereas I used to always kind of just feel like I kind of had like a greasy, matted hair. And I was always I just never felt nice. For me. It's like, I guess, I think the part that I feel like you were able to help me with was the part where it's like, I was getting stuck and like why can't I just be the kind of person who wakes up early and showers and washes my hair every day. Like that's what normal people do. Like, what's wrong with me? Why don't I enjoy that? Why don't I want to do it? And why would I do it? And I guess the part that I felt like you really inspired me was just like letting it go. Like, it doesn't matter. Like just figure out something that works for you. And so that's like, who cares? Right? Like, maybe it doesn't mean I'm a crappy person. Maybe it just is like something that is what it is.
KC Davis 4:11
And I think I was talking to someone the other day and we were talking about like accommodations and things and they were saying like, I know, but it's not like a disability. That keeps me from washing my hair, whatever. And I was like, right but here's the thing like sometimes these like accommodations are because like we can't do it a different way because it's extremely difficult to do it another way but also like it that there doesn't have to be some like huge disability. Like, if the reality is is like if it was like life or death or if it was like, you know, you're not going to be okay if you can't like make yourself get up and shower like I'm sure that you could like make yourself you could like berate yourself into it every morning. But the reality is, is like we only have so much energy like emotional energy to like force ourselves to do things and like there's just more important things in your life that you have to, like, try really hard at right like your, like emotional regulation and like, you know, parenting and being emotionally present for your clients. Like, we don't have like an infinite amount of that like pushing a boulder up a hill energy like that willpower, you know what I mean?
Heidi Smith 5:17
Right? Right, then that's like the thing it's like, and I mean, I don't know if this is true for everybody, but I certainly feel like my motivation for my appearance, like significantly decreased after I got married. It was like, right, like, I'm all set. I mean, I don't know, it's like this kind of almost, you know, primal, you know, it's like, I don't need to fluff my feathers as much because and so I have this thought, you know, I'm like, I could get up early and shower and like, do my hair. And then I'm like, But why? Well, like, what do I really need to you know, like, you're saying, Why do I need to push that boulder up the hill today? Like, I'm not trying to find a mate. I'm not trying to you know, and so at the same time, I don't like how it makes me feel always have dirty hair. Yeah. So it's like, finding a solution has been huge for me.
KC Davis 6:02
And I'll say this, well, actually, I'm gonna say this after a short break. Okay, so we're gonna, let's take a word from our sponsors. Okay, so I'll say this. Some of it also, like when you were talking about, like, you used to have all this motivation to like, get up and like fluff your feathers, right? Because you have to, like, attract a mate. But here's the thing that also I think is like, integral to this conversation is like, I watch my husband every day, Get up, take a shower, walk straight out of the shower, and like directly into his pants, and his shirt. Yes. And then like, walk out the door. And maybe he trimmed his beard a little, but like, He looks handsome, he looks put together, he looks amazing. And I think there is, I don't think it's just this narrative of like, oh, women let themselves go once the man is trapped. I think it really is, like, I never should have had to like spend an hour getting ready to be like, an acceptable female.
Heidi Smith 6:57
It's so true. I mean, sometimes I even look back at like what I used to do, like the amount of time I used to put on into my makeup and my hair. And I'm just like, what I mean it is it's it taking a shower is not like my son and my husband, like you said, just hop in and hop out, you know, and just move on with their day. And that's just not what it is. For me. I mean, I have like super dry skin. So after I get out of the shower, I have to like, do all this lotion on my face, and I have to like let it dry. And then I have to put makeup on on top. It's just like the whole thing feels like such a rigmarole
KC Davis 7:29
it is it I hate it. Yes, I hate it too. And I feel like you have done the thing that we all do, which is like, for a long time we do X Y, Z whatever, clean the house, put on makeup, get ready, blah, blah, blah, look fashionable for primarily like an extreme extrinsic motivation of like, what people think how we're perceived how we're moving through society. And then when we realize either, we don't have to do it anymore. We don't want to do it anymore. The pendulum swings like, all the way over to like 100 Till now I'm not doing anything like now I'm literally rolling out of bed, never showering, forgetting deodorant, like wearing big baggy clothes. Because when you detach from that phenomenon of like, my beauty belongs to the world. You go all the way to like, I guess nothing matters. Because truly, as a woman, like, I was never given the opportunity to be like, I enjoy the feeling of clean hair, because it was always about what I looked like how is perceived what I get a mate. And so I feel like your experience, it's not little, it's profound, because what happened was, you realized, wait, what do I enjoy about a shower? What do I enjoy about my hygiene? What makes me feel good, and makes me like the way that it feels in the way that I look not about, like how I'm perceived. And so I think it's profound, because I think it shows that we're so socialized to do these care tasks for the benefit of others, that when that is taken away, we genuinely have no connection to our own functionality. It's so true. And so we have to like come back to center.
Heidi Smith 9:14
Yeah, and like I've really looked, yeah, it I've kind of entered into this new era where, you know, my son's 11. And so I feel like I'm sort of like I've told someone the other day, I feel like I'm sort of like peeking up, like taking a breath a little bit. I feel like I've been underwater for the last 11 years, just with parenting. Just yeah, parenting and like, I haven't really been a priority. And I feel like I'm kind of coming up for air and realizing like, I do like to have my hair look nice. You know, like, that does matter to me. And like how can I make that happen for myself? And I think part of the kind of you no reward system is like when I do my own hair. I don't actually like how it looks. I'm not like I said, I'm not good at it. And again, I've always told myself like, Well, I'm just not committed enough to like getting the right Like, you know, product in the right blahdy blah, but you know, I just I'm not, that's just not me, I'm not into that. And so like, being able to go get a blowout twice a week is like, oh my gosh, it's like, it kills all these birds with one stone. And it's amazing. But coming up for a breath and all of that, like, even with my face, like, like, I realized that like, my skin is really dry. And I've not been taking care of my skin forever. I'm just I've never been like a face, or I mean, I've always I was kind of blessed with a nice complexion. I didn't really struggle I didn't struggle with like acne or anything. So I never really also had kind of a internal motivation to do some big nightly routine with like my skincare. And but what's happened is now my skin is really dry. It's just 45 I guess it's just happens. And so I've actually kind of taken an interest in that for myself, like, I've got those little Korean face masks that you like, you know, put on your face and stuff like that. And I'm enjoying that, which is new for me. That's not and it's not about how I look. It's about how I feel. I don't like feeling like tight, dry skin. And so yeah, it's just kind of interesting how, when I like take ownership of stuff for me, and not necessarily for how I look to everybody else and trying to keep up, it makes a huge difference. So
KC Davis 11:21
and I like how you mentioned that like this is at the end of 11 years, like this sort of organic interest and like, huh, and it really is like a gentle curiosity, like, how can I adjust this routine or this ritual that like, serves me and makes me feel good and has a function for me? I love that you mentioned that that was after 11 years. Because I think that's what it's about. Like, I can definitely see someone who is maybe only three years into an 11 year like a parenting SLOG and they're listening to you talk about like, yeah, just like decided to care for myself. And even that becomes like a mandate that someone's like, Oh, right. I'm such a piece of shit I don't even care about I'm not even caring about myself. Because that's like a shame thing to like, just take some interest in yourself, girl wash your face.
Heidi Smith 12:07
God. I mean, I have a unique situation in that island. I have an only child. But I mean, even with an only child. I mean, fuck man. Like, I mean, parenting sucks, like, I mean, it's like, I look back at the last 11 years, and I'm like, I feel like I literally got sent to like another planet. And like maybe just got to take, it's just I don't even I'm not very articulate. But it's like my entire life just kind of got taken from me. And I mean, I have a career. I'm a business owner like me, that's not actually true. Like, I mean, I still have friends, I have family, but it's just something has happened as my son is becoming a preteen where he's more independent. Like, it's the burden of like, kind of finding childcare on every moment of every single day. And, you know, meals and all of that is like it's loot that burden is lightning, as he's 11 now, and I just for the first time I just I really don't know how else to explain it. Like I feel like I'm able to come up for air and be like, Oh, I could like actually go take like a 30 minute bath and put on like a Korean face mask, just because I want to and like my son's just play in like his Playstation. And this is just kind of a new era.
KC Davis 13:16
Yeah, it was like a natural, gentle curiosity once you got the capacity, and I feel like that's the piece that we sometimes miss. Is that like, okay, yeah, you know, I think as a society, like we're good about talking about, like, you don't have to look good for others. You know, it's about like, how you feel, but even that sometimes gets commodified into this, like, you know, you look at some woman who looks like harried and whatever, and you're like, she just needs to, I just wish you would take some interest in herself just caring for herself. And it's like, that becomes the new edict of like, you're not good enough if you're not interested. And it's like, Right, no, like, it's okay.
Heidi Smith 13:55
Like, I can't even pull that off. I can't even do self care, right? Or, you know, yeah,
KC Davis 14:00
like, it's okay. Like, the whole 11 years that you were like, I don't know, my hair is just fucking greasy and I'm not gonna figure it out. Like it was literally fine. It was fine. Like you were like, less or more like I still am someone who does not have a scary skincare routine. I go to bed and my makeup. I never take my makeup off. I just go to bed. No, I
Heidi Smith 14:18
don't. I don't either. Make no mistake. I haven't gotten that. Like, I mean, no, I do too. But it's
KC Davis 14:25
not like a problem to fix.
Heidi Smith 14:26
It's part of the reason why I don't like taking showers and washing my hair because then I have to redo my whole face. So it's like it's not just my hair. It's also like, yeah, anyway, but I also
KC Davis 14:39
something else that I thought at the beginning when you were talking about like, oh, maybe it's lazy of me to like go twice a week. What's so funny is how like generationally dependent that line of thinking is because like my grandmother would go to the salon like twice a week to get her hair set like that was what you did like that was considered like even that like this sort Ever like spending one hour a day like blowing out your hair expectation like that didn't even exist for my grandmother. Like, I'm not saying she didn't have to spend a lot of time on other stupid gendered shit. But like she went to the salon twice a week to get her hair set. That was the expectation then
Heidi Smith 15:18
I mean, absolutely and when the best part is that the little salon I'm going to is like across the street from like an assisted living or kind of nursing home. And one of their like, big clientele is like little ladies. And so she literally always has like these little old ladies in there getting their hair set, then makes me feel better. I'm like, Yeah, I'm just coming in to get my hair set. Yeah, like it's okay. Why can't I do that?
KC Davis 15:40
I love this. Okay, I'm going to have you back to talk about some other things. So I felt like this was just like the perfect little mini episode on just like finding something that works for you. I love it. I mean, thank you so much.
Heidi Smith 15:51
Thanks for having me.