95: How to Bring Sexy Back with Lindley Gentile, LMFT
Do you want to bring sexy back into your life? This concept encompasses much more than actual sex, but it reaches to the inner depths of a woman’s core identity, vitality, and attitudes about life. This episode was prompted by the response to a recent TikTok in which I commented about how I’ve rediscovered things about myself here in my late 30s as my kids are a bit older and I have more time to myself. The response was big, with many questions about what I’ve done. I hate to say that there really is no big secret, but this topic is well worth exploring, so I’m bringing in my good friend, Lindley Gentile, a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is an expert who works specifically with women around rediscovering their sexiness, or perhaps, learning to discover it for the first time.
Show Highlights:
Contributing factors to why women lose their individuality and sexiness
The roles women fall into throughout life’s phases—without any renegotiation with their partner
Sexiness in identity is about MUCH more than having sex.
Being “turned on” is about aliveness, vitality, positivity, and a vibration of your soul.
Care tasks create a barrier to pleasure.
Sex is like a playground for fun and pleasure, and the aging woman can have more fun at the playground.
Aging women, what they wear, and feeling sexy
Sexiness is about energy and how you feel.
False messages from society around fatphobia, suppression, and ideology
Fantasy is a gift and a power that can overcome our tendency to overthink.
Lindley’s starting point with women who want to rediscover their sexiness
Lindley’s recommended reading for every woman: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Resources and Links:
Connect with Lindley Gentile: Website, TikTok, and Austin Couples Concierge Counseling
Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook
Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning
We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes.
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KC 0:04
Hello Sentient ball of stardust. Welcome to Struggle Sare. I'm your host, KC Davis, where we talk about all things individual and systemic that impact our health, our well being our happiness, and where I hyper fixate on topics that intersect with mental health, depending on how I'm feeling that week. And I recently did a tic toc where somebody who set like made a comment to me that they felt like I was like glowing from the inside. And I shared that I feel like I'm in this part of my life. I'm 37, where I'm kind of like rediscovering sexy in my late 30s, my kids are four and six, they're starting to go to school, I have a little bit more time to myself, and like rediscovering my identity and things like that. And there was such a response to that. Tiktok. And one of the big responses was like, Oh, my gosh, how did you do it? Tell me about that journey. Tell me about how I do it. And I feel like I just was am woefully inadequate to tell you anything about it, because I've just stumbled into it. So what I've done is, so I brought on an expert, my good friend, Lindley, Gentile, she is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. And she has been working with women specifically around this idea of rediscovering sexiness or perhaps discovering it for the first time. And would you say that the majority of your clients that you work with this kind of stuff are mothers,
Lindley 1:22
they are the majority, I would say 95% of the clients I work with are moms. And that can be any stage new mothers, mothers who have children going off to college, anywhere in that aging mother journey, who say, Oh, my goodness, I've lost connection to the woman, behind mom, behind wife behind whatever career I do, right? Like, I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost connection to my individuality. And what typically goes hand in hand with that is I no longer feel sexy.
KC 1:56
And what do you think contributes to getting to that place? Like a couple of things? What do you think contributes to getting to that place in the first place? And then what is it about women? Like, is it a certain age or a certain stage? Like, what is it that's like kind of waking them up to like, Wait, I don't want to let go of this part of life yet. So two part question. Yeah.
Lindley 2:17
So I think what contributes to it is we are socialized as women from a time we are very little girls to believe that our worth is how much we can do. For others. We are the mass nurturers, caretakers solvers Give it to me one more thing on my back, I can take it to the finish line. And it's almost like whoever can be the most exhausted or have the most balls in the air has that biggest badge of honor and self worth? Right. And so I think that the reason we lose connection to our individuality is because we have been socialized to believe we must pour all of ourselves into taking care of everyone else in order to have self worth.
KC 2:58
Yeah, I feel like I really resonate with the idea that the more I was consumed by my role in caretaking, particularly with my children, the farther away I felt from that woman who used to think herself sexy, it was kind of two things there was like, there's the physical component of like, I was getting older. You know, I had had two babies who I weighed more, you start to get lines on your face. I mean, I just wasn't a 24 year old, nor could I pass is one, which I had been told my whole life that you know, sexiness and your desirability to men is a part of that worth and what like sexy is that one specific look of like, a young, thin tan girl in their 20s. And like, physically, I was moving farther and farther away from that. But also internally, like, you're just you're wiping butts and dealing with throw up and caretaking people and even like, I think a lot of us, we're caretaking our partners. Mm hmm. And then you wake up one day, and you're like, What happened to that woman that felt sexy? Yeah, that's
Lindley 4:07
typically when they reach out, right? And you're like, what is happening? I'm overwhelmed, I'm resentful. I'm miserable. I've lost connection to self. And they realize I have to diversify the way that I build worth. Because this way, this pouring myself into everyone else endlessly is not sustainable. And what
KC 4:29
role do when women come to you? What role does their partner typically play in that? Like, do you find that women are mostly just kind of, you know, doing it to themselves? Or are is there like a dynamic with their partners where like, the partner isn't stepping up to the plate when it comes to home labor, and it's like contributing to kind of that feeling of, I just can't help but think of that, like the men that you've told me about that. Like, they're going through a divorce. And they say like, well, she just she used to be so interesting. She used to be so fun. and used to be so sexy, and then you dig into and it's like, okay, but you've also like refused to pick up your kids from school for the past 12 years.
Lindley 5:10
You know, it's an honest mix, I really can't blame them in and you know how much I love that book, how not to hate your husband? After kids, right? She really has women take a large responsibility and role in their over functioning. And so I think it's a good mix. I do think there are a lot of cases in which it has been has under functioned for many years voluntarily, right. Like, he knows he's doing this, he doesn't want to change, and the woman is exhausted. Honestly, though, in the bulk of cases that I work with, I think that men and women fell into roles, right? And they just fell to renegotiate over the years, right? They fell into certain roles, or for certain care tasks, splits, and they just didn't renegotiate. Right? They didn't do that week to week or month to month, or as they added more children or as jobs changed and fluctuated. And a lot of times, I think it's unintentional. And they do want their wife to seek this help. And they do themselves want to learn how do I step up and do more so that my wife can have more of a buffer away from care task to connect to her individuality? And when
KC 6:20
we talk about sexiness, like maybe we should stop for a minute and just talk about like what that even means because I can see someone in the audience being like, so are you talking about just like having sex more often? Are you talking about getting turned on? Like, what are we talking about here? Because we're not actually just talking about the act of sex, right? We're talking about something much bigger than that when it comes to identity.
Lindley 6:46
Yeah, the way that I love to talk about this concept is sharing a story of going to hear a stair Pearl speak in person a handful years ago. And you know, a stair Pro, very famous writer therapist focuses a lot on sexuality throughout our lives. And she really blew my mind. This is where the start of me focusing on women's sexuality. This is where it happened. She said, You know what the feeling of being turned on? Right? The two words turned on. It really is a feeling of aliveness. liveness of vitality, right? It's like this electricity that moves through your body and you feel this surge, this rush this positivity. And that feeling is so vital to our health as females and especially as aging females, it's so vital to our health. Why would we outsource that? Why would we outsource that to our partners? Why would we outsource that to what the world thinks is sexy, right? The feeling of being turned on right is such a powerful electric aliveness, we need to own that we need to own the feeling of being turned on a feeling sexy. So she did this really cool thing where she said, I'm going to walk around the audience. And I'm going to pass this microphone around. And I'm going to ask you to say I turn myself on when? Okay, so she's actively having us, reframe our mind about we own this nobody else and so she starts to ask people and you know, the first one says when I kick ass at on a project at work, or someone else says when I take a risk when I learn a new hobby, when I buy those sexy red heels when I buy that vibrant, beautiful outfit, that was way too much money and wear it to dinner, right? And then this woman I swear she had to be 7580 years old, and I loved every bit of it. She grabbed the microphone from a stare pulled it in her hands and said when I get naked in the hot tub. And I just love this idea of it doesn't matter if it's, you know our appearance with heels or some fun, crazy new outfit. It doesn't matter if it's moving our body or sweating or learning a new hobby or taking a risk or, you know, getting in the hot tub naked. It's different for everybody but what makes your soul vibrate. What makes you feel electric, what makes you feel alive and to me? That's how I want to focus on sexiness as I age.
KC 9:30
And it strikes me as a couple of things strike me as you as you talk. One. It's like there's this playfulness. It's like the Innit for me. It's the intersection of my gender and playfulness, if that makes sense. And I don't think it doesn't have to do with like, where on the gender spectrum you feel like you are, but it's just kind of like going to that place wherever it is, and being playful with it and And when you talk about like being turned on, this was another thing that really came to be obvious to me in my late 30s. It's like, there's a really big difference between being like, turned on in my brain and being turned on in my pants. Do you know what I mean? Like a arousal like the literal physiological arousal of one's like, in the pants bits is like a part of sexiness. But like, there's also like, I just did a podcast episode about kink, and the kink educator talked about, like the brain tinglies and the pants tinglies and how they're different.
Lindley 10:31
Oh, my gosh, kink educators are the absolute best. Yes,
KC 10:35
and they work together. But like it, that to me is what it is. It's like those brain tinglies and sometimes that's in conjunction with the pants tinglies. And sometimes it's on its own. And when I accomplish something, I can feel good about it. But when I accomplish something, and I'm in this intersecting headspace of, like, part of my identity is where my gender lies. And I feel so playful about that. And also, I just kicked acid that like, it's like it all kind of comes crashing together. And is it I think it's Astaire Perella she the one that talks about how like, sexiness and like familiarity or like something about how like caregiving is the opposite of eroticism?
Lindley 11:19
It is, it absolutely is. And a female's brain cannot engage in both at the same time, we need a significant buffer away from care tasks in order to turn ourselves on opened ourselves up for an even create that possibility, right? We have to be able to connect to our individuality and have that buffer in order to seek or want pleasure or feel sexy. Yeah,
KC 11:42
and I think sometimes in those like early years of postpartum and young kids, and like, I think because of the way society has structure, because of the way gender roles are, I mean, like, I just felt like I was underwater all the time. And, you know, sometimes just the physical labor required to take care of babies is like, there is no room for anything else. And if you do something 24 hours a day, it is going to be your identity. And it takes years, I feel like to get to the point in parenthood where, yes, I am a mother, but I now have some time to experience my other identities. Like I don't always have to be in the mother identity, even though it is obviously an important part of me.
Lindley 12:25
Yeah, and when you talk about time, what comes up for me is prioritizing. Before I understood the concept that I could own My pleasure, I could own my aliveness and my feeling sexy and how important it was to my aging process. Right? My vitality, before I understood that I just didn't make time for it. Even if I could have it was the last thing on the list because I didn't realize, hey, this is so important in my health. I want to prioritize it. And you know how I feel about this. Casey, we talked about this a lot, right? But I teach women constantly that sex is not about meeting your partner's needs. It is not about caretaking. It is not about confirming love. Sex is like a playground that we go to, to have fun to seek pleasure for ourselves and Astaire parole talks a lot about if you understand it in that way, sex and feeling sexy. And the idea of being turned on can truly be a fountain of youth they can it can be a fountain of youth you visit in your 30s 40s and 50s. To feel that sense of vitality, and youthfulness again, when I made that connection, then it became something I wanted to prioritize on the to do list.
KC 13:55
It interesting, you bring up the idea of youth because I feel like one of the things that is a barrier to like feeling sexy when you are late 30s, early 40s into your 50s and 60s, is this idea that like sexy is a young woman's game, right? That sexy is sin, young, sexually submissive, you know someone that with a very flat tummy that looks really good and revealing clothing or whatever you have. And I think that there's this, like, I sometimes will see women and I recognize that there's like an element of judgment to this. But like women who I feel like are like clinging to the ability to operate in that space. Right. So like, they will do anything possible to not look their age, they will do anything possible to continue to dress in those styles or date men of that age or make you know, whatever. And there was a part of that to me that I didn't want to do that. Because it always kind of seemed like it was run by fear, right? Like this idea that if I'm not sexy, I'm nothing if I'm not attractive to men that I'm nothing And a big part of me like, wants to let go of that wants to unpack that, like I hear sometimes older women talking about how freeing it is to be past the age where men find them sexually attractive, because they just get left alone, and they can move on. And they're bigger, better things in life than, you know, doing that. And so there's this part of me that's like, Okay, I don't want to just be continuously trying to shape and contort my body, my personality, my sexuality to like, you know, continue to try and be sexy, like a 23 year old. And yes, I want to unpack the idea that if I'm not sexually attractive, I'm not worthy. But one time, you said to me something really interesting where you said, listen, Casey, like, the 40s is when women hit their sexual peak. And I feel like they're sexual prime. And I was like, that's so different than the world saying that like a woman's sexual prime is in their 20s, because that's when they look, you know, the way that people want them to look. And yet, okay, so we're hitting our sexual prime in our 40s. And there's not really a lot of women I feel like to show us like, what does being sexy in your 40s look like? If it doesn't look like just trying to look like you're 20? Or act like you're 20 I
Lindley 16:15
think what you just said kind of reinforces that ideas in our 20s we don't own our sexuality, we believe it's for other people, we believe it's about meeting needs. We believe our parents needs to look pleasing to other people, we don't own it. And therefore we don't feel as free. We feel freer in our 40s Because we're like, fuck other people. Fuck with a cat. I've been too much through too much adversity to care anymore, right? I own. I own the way I look, I own the way I feel. And then sex becomes freeing because if you go to the playground with all out all of that package, of course, you're gonna have more fun at the playground.
KC 16:50
Well, I also think that there's this aspect of like that, like puritanical culture where women are expected to be sexy, but not act like they want to be seen as sexy. And you can almost feel like embarrassed to do something sexy, or to dress a way that you think is sexy, or to let anybody know you're trying to be sexy. And there is even like a societal, like, push back on look at this old lady trying to be sexy, or trying to be right. And so I think that there's a part at which like, rediscovering, sexy, for me has also been about, like, rejecting the idea that I'm not allowed to want that. And that it's okay. It not even just in the like, oh, internally, I'm alive and playful. But like, I do want to figure out a way to do my hair that I think looks really good. And my makeup that looks really good. And I want to have clothes that I think look really good on me. And I want to like how do we unpack those feelings around like, I want to look sexy. And I don't want to do it in the way that it has to be like the way that I don't want to you know what I mean? I don't want to be fat phobic, and ages and all these things. But I still want to look sexy. What does that even supposed to be at this age?
Lindley 18:08
It's such an interesting question, because I think it's different for everyone. But maybe you can help me unpack this. I went to a waterpark the other day with my daughter. And there were probably 30 Other moms there. And most of them were fully dressed. The waterpark is very hot, very hot. And most of them were fully dressed. And they looked pretty uncomfortable sitting all at a table together. And I was like, It's my birthday, like I'm gonna sit fully dressed at a hot water park. For my daughter's, you know, end of Year party, like, Whatever, I'm gonna throw my bathing suit and play in the wave pool with my husband and my son. And so I throw my bathing suit, which was a two piece. And it's not like it's not revealing it's not super crazy. It's just like this comfortable, sporty, two piece halter top type suit. And I am buzzing all around that waterpark. Because energetically I feel so good. Energetically, I feel good. And I just want to be vibrant and swim and play and have fun. And I could tell that was not pleasing to quite a few women at that table. And even me as a therapist who teaches right like where are the things that make you feel energetically aligned and fun and vibrant and vital. Even a woman who teaches that and has been teaching that for a decade I got home and I called my girlfriend I was like am I too old to wear two piece? Am I not supposed to be wearing a two piece anymore? Just like did I miss that? Like truly I had a moment where I was like Wait, should I not be doing that anymore? Do I look desperate wearing a two piece because I made other people uncomfortable? What are your thoughts on that?
KC 19:54
Well, it's interesting because I bought a two piece for the first time in like 10 years this year. And because We have a pool in our backyard now. And I think that there's, it's like, for me, it's been about moving through the fear. Because there's fear on both sides, right? I'm afraid that if I don't look sexy and a two piece and looks sexually attractive to everyone around me, that's embarrassing, and I won't be worthy. And I sometimes even felt embarrassed and a one piece because it's like, I'm embarrassed that I don't think I look good enough for a two piece. And then I'm embarrassed and a one piece because I feel like it just screams to everybody. That girl's too embarrassed to be in a two piece. And so it was like, okay, yeah, I have this fear on both sides. I don't want to you know, be that woman that people are like, Oh, look at her clinging on to youth with her cold dead hands
Lindley 20:55
are just a little bit how I felt at the end of the waterpark, even though I know better. I know.
KC 20:58
But I also don't want to make the mistake of like, being so principled. Like, you know, Oh, I'm so judgmental about people to get Botox because they're just trying to look 20s. And I am so enlightened, I've unpacked my, you know, views about the patriarchy and ageism. And so, you know, now I've like, gotten myself into a corner where like, my worst is now about how I'm too good to fall for any of those societal messages. And so now I'm afraid if I want to get Botox, or if I want to put on a two piece, or if I want to straighten my hair or learn how to do my mate, like, it's like, I think it's about moving from fear to playfulness.
Lindley 21:43
It really is. That's what we're talking about. It's sexiness is the energy. It's the energy you feel, I felt so playful at the waterpark, it's playfulness, it really is, I think you hit the nail on the head.
KC 21:59
And I also think that there's, and we've talked about this before, like whether it comes to like erotic map stuff, which I don't have time to unpack, or like societal messages or whatever some of that stuff is, we know that it's like not helpful. And it's it can be really harmful. And it's used systemically for oppression and suppression and all those kinds of things. And so it is important that we become aware, it is important that we don't allow those things to be the harbored, like, carry all of our worth. And it might be impossible to like 100% root out every beauty ideal you've ever had that's ever been touched or shaped by you know, society, like I know, that like thinking I look better and long, straight hair is like a societal message that is gleaned from patriarchy, and white supremacy, and yada, yada, yada, and I have curly hair. And so like I did go through this process of like, I'm going to learn how to take care of my curly hair, I'm gonna learn how to love my curly hair. And I did that for a long time. And, you know, at the end of the day, I still feel sexier in my long straight hair. I just do. And I know that that's like, you know, okay, that's not ideal, but I think that sometimes for some of us, that's where we get stuck, where it's like, I don't want to participate in these kinds of beauty standards to the level where like, I'm losing my soul, or I'm running on fear, or I'm like, you know, contributing to some harmful belief. But then we get almost like perfectionistic, or like, like, the purity of how enlightened we are. And it's like, I mean, there's gotta be a level at which like, I've done the work as best I can. I'm being aware as best I can. I'm not, you know, but like, at the end of the day, like, maybe the more empowering move is like, man, I've looked at it, I get it, I'm not going to be shitty to other people about it. And also like, I'm going to straighten my hair and keep it long when I want to feel sexy back.
Lindley 23:54
Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I think we get caught up in mental gymnastics, and we overthink it to death. And if we would just kick it down to our chest and feel it and take a deep breath in. Ah, what would make me feel most energetic and playful today would be rockin some long mermaid hair. Awesome. Rock the mermaid hair today.
KC 24:15
And like recognizing things that are truly harmful, like, it's hard for me to completely unpack. Like the messages of fatphobia around like, the smaller you are the sexier. Like that's a very common message. And I know that dieting is harmful. And so I'm unwilling to do it. Like I just am unwilling to do it. And because the risk factor there is like, obvious to me. But I also like I might favor an outfit that I think makes me look a little slimmer. And I can also recognize like man, that's probably problematic, like that's a problematic viewpoint that like I have a hard time getting rid of 100%. But I also think like, it's one thing to be like, I refuse to go on diets, because I'm not going to put my health at risk for this beauty ideal. And I'm going to refuse to allow myself to buy this outfit that I think, you know, it's flattering when I know the reason I think it looks flattering is because it kind of makes me looks slimmer. And that's so problematic. So I can't allow myself to have that outfit. Do you? And I mean, like, that's kind of what I mean about like, it's both and you're only human. We don't have to, like shame ourselves into not being these ideologically pure women. It's both.
Lindley 25:31
It's both. And I really think when we get caught up overthinking, it's just, it is a distraction. It is a method and not to feel anytime I'm overthinking like but what if but what if, but maybe I'm doing it because that reason or this reason, or that reason that maybe I shouldn't because of this societal thing, and that anytime I'm there, it is an immediate flag. Oops, I'm trying not to feel something. And if I just push it right on down to my chest, and I'm like, what is it? What's the thing I don't want to feel right now. Let me feel it. All of that overthinking naturally goes away.
KC 26:14
Here's another question like so I have been reading a lot of fantasy romance books lately. And a lot of people were commenting on my ticket back like, oh, it's the books. You're rediscovering Cisely because of the books. And I had to be like, Listen, this is actually a process that's been going on way longer than the books. However, I feel like that is like a really common Avenue, where women will like circle back around to like, oh, maybe I'm not dead. They're like, maybe I do want to like, re experienced this. Maybe I don't want to put that part of myself to bed. And so I'm curious if you have thoughts about like, what is it about? like reading a really good book that's got some like nice sex scenes that like, particularly for women like wakes that back up for them sometimes? Well,
Lindley 27:00
I mean, we don't go to the movies to watch a story about our own lives, we would be incredibly bored. Right? Like all of this fairy Smite and all these different mythical creatures and erotic novels, we have forgotten the power in fantasy. Fantasy is a gift. It is a place for us to escape and play and get rid of all that overthinking you were just saying you were just talking about right you were talking about but what if but what if but what if? And society thinks this and maybe I shouldn't? That's, that's all that overthinking. We're talking about and I think these fantasy books do so well for women, because they allow you to get out of your head quit overthinking. And just feel and reengage with fantasy fantasy is a gift, it is an escape for us to be playful. And of course, the Wilder the book is the more it's about a creature or a vampire or a fairy, it's even better, right? Because that's how we're entertained. We're at nor not entertained by things that are so similar to our own lives. And I think one
KC 28:07
of the things that had that also really helped me was when it came to my social media. Like following a diverse group of people that were diverse, and that were like, closer to my age and older and had like a diverse, like body types. And diverse racially like that's huge, right? And nationality and all this kind of stuff. Because there's so much of that, like, inner oppression of like, I'm not sexy enough because I don't look this because I don't look like that because I don't like is delivered by being constantly bombarded by the one type of beauty that you said. Yeah, exactly. And like it has done wonders for my confidence and my like willingness to reengage in sexy to like, follow women and go Well, I think she's sexy. Like, holy shit, she's sexy, and following women that aren't straight. Some
Lindley 29:07
of the women I think are sexiest to me, look nothing like me. They look nothing like me. They are many different races. They are many different sizes. It is its energy. It really is the women that I follow that I'm like, Oh good. God, she's sexy. It is that energy. It's her connecting. It's like she is head down doing what makes her feel happy and feel vibrant and dammit, I want to be closer to that. I want more of that.
KC 29:39
It's interesting, too, because like it's turning on its head kind of the patriarchal rule about like women must be competition. And women must be the other enemy and you know another and like, I feel like at this point, like I'm attracted to men, in terms of like sexual and romantic attraction, but like I'm inspired by sexy women in their late 30s 40s 50s. Like, when I watched them, and that helps me because like, I have never looked at a woman and been like, see, not sexy, because of her body size, or her body type or her hair type, like, I will be like, Wow, that is sexy. And then it'll give me that moment of like, so why do I think that I can't be sexy because of ABC. But clearly, I think that she is. And it helps with that like, those like misbeliefs and lies that I have to kind of unpack and leave at the door.
Lindley 30:36
1,000% You set the nail on the head.
KC 30:41
So what are some things that you tell women, when they say like, I want to rediscover this part of my identity, like in terms of like going forward, like things that have worked well for them to rediscover that? I usually
Lindley 30:53
start by asking what cultivates aliveness for you? What makes your soul vibrate? When do you feel plugged in to the universe? When do you feel most playful? If they can start answering questions like that, we're getting them to feel sexy energetically.
KC 31:17
So do you mean like sexual situations or just anything like when I have a project at work, when I sing
Lindley 31:26
no anything in life, right? Like, when I travel to other countries, when I go hiking next to water when I take a risk at work when I give a public speech or presentation in front of a huge crowd, right? Whenever I challenged my brain, it is so different for so many women, and I love to hear their answers. But rarely is it when I weigh a certain weight, I've never heard that when I look a certain way. When I start asking women, when are you cultivating aliveness? When do you feel plugged into the universe? When is your soul vibrating? When do you feel most playful? Never do they answer anything about their looks?
KC 32:10
All right. So if so if they they begin to identify like these are the areas that sounds like you're saying, like step one is to do those things more, or try to weave those things into your life more.
Lindley 32:25
And I might also ask, How do you turn yourself off? How do you close yourself down to sex to sexiness to aliveness? Right? What are you doing to shut that part of you down, and they'll start telling me a list of those things, right? When I don't move my body. When I watch hours and hours and hours of TV every night, it may be different for everyone, when I pass up the opportunity for a promotion at work, because I just wasn't brave enough to put my name in the hat. It's different for everyone. But when I start asking them to make the list of what turns themselves on, what turns themselves off, and I say, Okay, how many of these are you doing? Right? It can often be shocking. It's like, Well, shit, I'm doing every one of them, I turned myself off when and maybe only one of the I turned myself on. So it's really trying to get those in balance and being aware of the activities they're doing that are connected to them feeling sexy or not.
KC 33:26
And then I also wonder, like, when we come to the actual act of like, doing the deed, I wonder too, if like, the reason so many women start to rediscover sexy through books is because they are engaging their mind. And you know, you talked about fantasy, but there's this, for a lot of people, there's a romance element there, or there's a fantasy element, or maybe it's some like kink element, or there is there's this like, long, like, there's this preheating like a long preheat, right? And elevate you just call it a preheating the oven. Right? And I think that when you are at least for me, like when I was younger, you know, so often participate in sex as a performance. Do I look sexy to this person? Are they desiring me? Am I making the right noises? Am I making the right basis? Are they you know, do they find me satisfying? Like,
Lindley 34:22
am I making this person feel good? Yeah. Am I
KC 34:27
good enough at this? Are they going to like that, like it's, we can really put on a performance. And you know, you get older and all of a sudden it's like, okay, I'm kind of sick of the performance. And also like, just biologically, you know, you could go from you can turn on the pants tinglies pretty fast and easy, even if you're not 100% pre heated. And then the older you get all the sudden it's like, Hey, man, like, I actually can't, like get into this or find this pleasurable. On pants tinglies alone, if there's no brain tinglies happening, and I wonder how much of this is, like, you mentioned, like renegotiating labor but like how much of us how many of us have never like stopped to renegotiate? Like, our sex lives with our partner and what isn't isn't working for us and what we haven't haven't been speaking up about or asking for or, and just like getting comfortable with what it takes to truly communicate about those things with our partner. I
Lindley 35:30
think it's a lot of that I think you sort of brought up to two or three important parts. I think fantasy novels are helping so much because they're about females pleasure. They're largely about females pleasure, and then exploding an orgasms and Oh, my goodness, he did XYZ to get me to come right. It's so much about female pleasure. And it connects to you because in your 40s, because you realize sex is not about my partner's pleasure. It's about me taking pleasure for myself, I've got to own my own pleasure. So I think that that really speaks to women, the preheating part, I love Astaire pearls quote on foreplay starts the moment the previous orgasm ends, right? That's when we start foreplay, that's when we should be right like doing this non sexual intimacy and preheating the oven with romance and things like that. And I think that that happens really often in fantasy books.
KC 36:28
Yeah, well, let's say this has been a great conversation. Do you have any thing that you want to add? or kind of like, in conclusion, or important things that we didn't mention? No,
Lindley 36:39
I love it. I'm so excited for your audience to be taking on this journey with you. I love that you mentioned it. And I think that women are raving to think about sexuality and feeling turned on and feeling feeling alive so differently. So good for you for leading the charge. Are
KC 36:57
there any books that you would recommend if someone hears this they're like, Okay, I want to read more about this. Absolutely.
Lindley 37:01
I think that every female should be required reading to read, come as you are. Right by Emily Nagurski. I think that that is a female Bible for sexuality. All
KC 37:16
right, Lindley. Well, thank you so much. And before you go, where can people find you online if they want to follow you?
Lindley 37:20
Yes. So I am relaunching my Tiktok I'm excited about that. They can always find me on tick tock, and they can check out my website at Lynley gentile.com or Austin couples concierge.com. That is where I help couples with their sex lives.
KC 37:38
And what is your tick tock handle?
Lindley 37:40
Literally Gentile. All right, thank you mumbling alright. Byla
Transcribed by https://otter.ai